Not under my watch yet nothing changes

[PhotoJunkie]

I am on my iPhone so please forgive the bad typing. Won't have Internet till Tuesday

 

My sister approached me today asking if the girl had any other email accounts. I closed all the ones we found last year before she moved here to be with my sister. Apparently she had one we didn't know about. Accessed on and off betweennoctober of last year to today. Up until yesterday, conversations on emails and Google hangout had been kosher. Yesterday and today not so much. The guy she is "talking" to is 19. She's 16. He lives in CA

 

She was accessing it during the school year when she was dropped off early for band. The last two weeks she has been at an ACT prep class that is in a imputed lab from 7am to noon. My sister swears this class was not presented as an open computer lab kind of class. I knew nothing about the class till I arrived here two weeks ago. Here I thought we were having a good time etc and she's bee. Sneaking behind everyone's backs and when finally confronted with it she lied andied and lied.

 

Now here is where I might be growing in the parenting department. I'm my angry so much as disappointed. I still blame myself even though I wasn't here. But I think she wanted to get caught because she knew she was going back to the bad stuff but didn't know how to ask for help. Why do I think this?  Since October of last year she has randomly and rarely logged on. She's kept it all to herself for that long. The few logins and conversations were completely benign and short.  Till yesterday (Thursday)Then after yesterday's conversation that he initiated the inappropriate things, she mentions in a text to a completely different friend and mentions an email address she doesn't specify just that it's not the school one. She knows my sister checks Her texts. She didn't erase anything either on phone or Internet. (Oh we also found a Pinterest account but nothing inappropriate seems to be tagged).

 

I won't get into the issues wth having to deal with my sister in this mess. I found it all. I tried to ask questions. I've been through this enough with the girl that I know nothing productive is going to happen at 1am. So I got ready to leave. I feel my sister expected me to stay but I have an appointment with uhaul tomorrow. I know how much work it all be. I don't have it in me to stay up all night and bang our heads against a wall. I refuse to let her home me and my plans hostage. We don't need to decide tonight while we are all up in arms. I say sleep. Put her to work unloading the crates of stuff instead of hanging with her friends. We can decide later.  So I left. 

 

She can't sleep here as there is no furniture.

 

I don't know what to do. It just seems hopeless at this point.

[Trying]

It sounds like you all needed a night to sleep on it and cool off so you can think clearly.  I hope you and your sister find a way to come together on this and agree on a plan for your DD.  It does seem like she wanted to get caught.  With you moving out there she may test some boundaries to make sure she is still being closely monitored.  You've had some time and distance from her to gain strength and clarity and I have no doubt you will tackle this head on.

 

Moving, DD reverting to some old behaviors, conflict with your sister, holy stress!!  One day at at time, one step at a time, you will get through this and your relationship with DD will be stronger in the end.  As a mom, I really admire you.  Hang in!

[RobFTC]

I have a girl who likes to test every boundary.  "What happens if I ....?"  She's also kind of brain-scrambled and not nearly as creative about solutions or as able to think what happens next.  It's quite the deal.  She's got two years to get to this level, and she may compete with your daughter.

 

And yet - that same girl, today, knowing I wanted us all to work on cleaning out the car, just went and did it all (and did a good job!) and then told me about it.  That same girl, today, plans to clean the kitchen well to earn back Spotify Premium.  I'm not taking that one to the bank yet.

 

Keep the boundaries solid, the consequences clear and the responses as empty of anger as you can manage so that it's about her choice rather than you being mean.  She's doing better, and this is a small bit of backsliding that won't matter too much long-term.  I don't know how you deal with the dynamic of your sister's involvement, but if you can set a course first ...

 

Take care,

Rob T

[PhotoJunkie]

Well it gets even more complicated.  The school had a major issue happen before the girl joined them last year and they now have a zero tolerance policy, meaning if your caught doing what she was doing, you get kicked out.  AGAIN.  So far they haven't caught her and there is some discussion among the adults as to if we should let the school know why we took her out of the class or just let it go.  If they investigate into it themselves they will find it.  She didn't hide her tracks.  Im actually surprised they didn't catch her like the last school did, given that the teacher was supposed to be monitoring.  Its completely obvious she wasn't monitored because it was a four hour conversation/role play thingie. 

 

I hope Rob that your child never delves into the things my daughter has.  Even as an adult with a fairly open mind, the idea of a child being involved in these kinds of chats and "communities" is horrifying. 

[Trying]

PJ it sounds like such scary situations your daughter gets herself into.  I have no advice, it sounds like you are doing all of the right things by monitoring everything so closely.  The thought of her possibly being expelled after all you did to get her there must be so frustrating.  Has she been happy at the new school or could she be trying to get kicked out?

 

Hugs and virtual support seem a little insufficient but I offer them any way.

[PhotoJunkie]

Trying she has been doing extremely well.  The school has bent over backwards to help her and support her.  They reaged her to a more appropriate grade level, have her interested in all kinds of things.  They accepted her knowing why she was expelled from the school in CA and according to my Sister and BIL the school has been aware and making sure she didn't have unsupervised internet time during classes (library time apparently caused issues before and now this class at another school)  But they also have had their own issues with this kind of stuff brought in, law enforcement and the media was involved etc.  So their tolerance is basically zero. 

 

I dunno how this is all going to play out.

[Trying]

Uhgg.    It sounds like this school is the right place for, I'm so sorry she seems to be risking so much.  The school should be taking some responsibility since they knew her history.  Hopefully this was just an isolated set back and she will get back on track.