The sadanniversary never leaves us

[Sugarbell]

So...I am coming up on 8 years in Sept. For the past few years on that day...I intentionally go on with life as usual...it's not a gut wrenching fake it day like it was in my early years (his death day is also on the day of my middle sons birthday)..So I used to force myself through my sons party (usually accompanied by a few panic attacks) but got through it.

 

In recent years...it's a smooth day...but I know. I know the smells of fall..the sun...and it takes me back to the day he died. Almost like it's my own little dirty secret...I don't share or dwell on it...I don't acknowledge it...the focus that day is on my son (who looks identical to his Dad) not DHs death. And I have wondered how long I will know.

 

So Sunday new guy was kinda quiet (he's private guy).. finally he said "Today is the day my Dad died from a heart attack. I was outside playing..he had it inside...the ambulance came...my siblings wouldn't let me in the house...I was 7"

 

He's now 52...45 years later he still remembers the day and what he was doing. He says he has never missed a year when he didn't know it was the particular day and he's always a little off on that day.

 

He also reassured me that I did the right thing not telling my son that his Dad died on his birthday. I always say there Dad died 3 days later-which is the day I found his body. He told me that date would be with my son forever and I did the right thing going with the day I found his body.

 

45 years later and he never has forgotten the day each year.

 

 

[Carey]

I agree with you. I so wish there had somehow been a way to keep from Jacob that his dad died the day before, or possibly ON his birthday.  Chad was born 11/23, Jacob was born 11/24. Chad died either on his own bday or his sons, no matter how you slice it.  His death certificate says 11/24 because they are 8 hours ahead of us.  Jacob talks all the time about how he never wants to have another birthday. 

[Sugarbell]

B died on the 24th...was missing for 3 days and was found on the 27th. Coroner estimated day of death was the 24th. My oldest son also told me that day that his Dad died, how he died, where he shot himself, etc. (he was only 4..and it's a mystery that started me into the psychic phenomenon because I have no idea how my kid knew this)

 

My oldest son knows his Dad died on his brothers birthday. He says he will take it to his grave-His Vision at age 4 still haunts him. The tombstone only has year of birth and year of death.

 

The death certificate says estimated day of death 9/24.

 

Middle son doesn't associate it at all. I have never shown my sadness on that day (even year 1)..But oh it added to my already complicated grief early on. Just sucks anyway you slice it. ((( Hugs)))

[Lmsmdm]

No I don't think that day will leave any of us really. Big hugs to you. That must have been so scary for a 4 year old.

[Sugarbell]

Right after he told me..he spiked an 103 fever that would not come down even with meds. He was almost delusional for 3 days..Took him to the doctor-no ear infection, strep. They were giving him 24 more hours then admitting him to hospital.

 

After I found his Dad his fever went down almost immediately.

 

A priest once told me that my son has experienced the angel of death that came when his Dad died.

 

Don't know what I believe....but I know he experienced something unexplainable. To this day he won't discuss it...and hates anything paranormal (he's not an eccentric type-meat n potatoes jock)

 

 

[luvmy2babies]

I just can?t imagine.  How courageous of your oldest.

 

My son was born on 1/9.  My husband died two months later on 3/9.  It?s 17 days after our wedding date and a few weeks before my daughter?s birthday.  For almost all of the first year, every time the 9th came I would look at my son and think ?You?re another month older? and look up and remember my husband was another month gone.  My son was a year-old before the 9th didn?t hit me like that.  Right before the first ?sadiversary? my son got very sick.  He started having trouble with his lungs, and dh?s lung disease was what ultimately killed him because it weakened his heart.  He had to be hospitalized, spent time in the PICU.  We came home on the anniversary. 

 

Been 5 years and my daughter who was nearly 7 then doesn?t realize when the date comes and I don?t bring it up to her.  If she been more aware at the time it would likely be different.  If we had gotten any mail that day, she would have been the one to find him instead of me.  He died on his day off.  Each time he had a day off, she would always take the mail to him once we were home and they would talk about her day.  That day we just happened not to get any mail so she sat on the floor playing with her baby brother while I went up to check on him.  He had been unwell; but nothing compared to other times?I thought. 

 

After I found him, I kind of did what your new guy?s family did and kept her from it.  Only unlike him, she didn?t know at the time anything was wrong.  Her Godparents lived a couple of minutes away.  He had obviously been dead for hours so I grabbed the cordless and called them.  They came and snatched her up before she knew what had happened.  We called 911 after she was gone.  She had just come from their house when I told her they were coming back to get her.  She asked why; but I told her I had to take care of something and she didn?t ask me anymore questions.  It was 3 hours later before they finally got dh out and she could came back home. 

 

As she got older though she figured it all out?  I think she was about 10 when she asked me if he was dead when we came home that day and if that was why she had to leave.  I told her he was and that was why I had her leave.  I didn?t know exactly what was going to happen; but I didn?t want her there.  My heart just breaks for our children.   

 

 

 

[linda5]

I agree, don't tell you son that his Dad died on his birthday.  My oldest turned 30 the day before my DH died.  We all went out to dinner and had a lovely evening, then he died the next day.  My 30-year old has been saying that she is never celebrating her birthday again and that Dad died on her birthday.  I keep reminding her that he died the day after, and that is not her birthday. 

 

It really does mess with the head, having a birthday so near the date of death. 

[Guest IronBear]

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