luvmy2babies

I?m sorry your son is having a rough time. My son was 8 weeks old when dh died. He is now 6, which is how old my daughter was when it happened. He is acting a lot like she did. He is asking a lot of questions, wanting to know if he can ever come back even just for a visit, saying it makes him sad, his friends have dads and he doesn?t. Asking Why? There is a myth that children with no memory of the parent won?t grieve. But he knows what a father is now and that he doesn?t have one here. People don?t get it; but it should be understandable that is going to hurt a little one?s heart. And then there?s that pull to keep their father alive in their hearts and tell them about him; but when it trends towards a grief response in either of my children, I follow their lead. We don?t talk about him every day or a whole lot since he has no memory of him; but I do like to tell him when he does something funny his father used to do or I see they have something in common. He will sometimes say he doesn?t want to talk about him and I leave it alone. My mom?s response to me talking about what happened with my son once was ?So don?t talk about him?you brought it on.? I don?t think that works. And he doesn?t always respond with sadness. I was cutting his nails and he was being really dramatic just like dh used to when I cut his when he was unable to. I told him his daddy used to act the same way he was acting and imitated dh?s dramatics. Ds fell over laughing. All I can do is respect his feelings and his process. It is very unique from either mine or his sister?s or any other family member and I know the one thing I can?t do is shut him down when I know it?s a grief response. He doesn?t use it to get over. My daughter on the other hand, tried a whole lot to blame missing her daddy on various actions the first couple of years or to butter me up. So far smiles and kisses are his weapon of choice. He has his father's smile, which is what drew me to him. Litter stinker has his teachers and so many other people right where he wants them.

I have gotten to the point I pretty much only ask when I absolutely have to, which was always days when school was closed and I had to work. The job I have now allows me to work from home whenever I need to though. I also occasionally use their afterschool care destination as it is also a drop in facility. Getting turned down or getting no response at all gets to me after a while. My daughter?s closest friend though we take her places with us, she would not normally get to go because her parents just aren?t into those activities (zoo, museums, aquariums, etc.) so I can call them; but everyone?s super busy it seems. I miss quite a few events because most of the time, anyone I would ask to watch my children would also want to go to the event. As to meetings, I?ve taken my children to plenty of them. They?ve learned to sit quietly with a book or tablet. I don?t even worry about inconveniencing people anymore. My situation is no secret. And my feeling is my children are way more put out by having to sit through it than anyone else is because they are there. Half the time I?m sitting in a meeting between them and others have sent one spouse and the other has stayed home with the children. Now, thankfully my daughter is getting to the point where she can watch her brother for short periods of time. I?m grateful for that because within the next year; we are probably going to have to move to the next town, further from my mother and their Godparents. This could actually make things easier on me though because we?d be moving mainly to be closer to their charter school. It will hopefully broaden my circle living closer to the other parents. Lots of SAHM. When I was going to have to turn down free tutoring for my son because I couldn't get off work in time to get him and the aftercare van wasn't going to run twice, the mom of another boy going to tutoring actually offered to get him for me. Her son and my son are friends. I actually got emotional from getting the offer. That's how few and far between they have been. In the end, since the aftercare facility is across the street, the school decided his teacher could take him over after tutoring.

I understand

I understand. My husband was my best friend; but over the last few years especially, the meds really changed him and our relationship. When healthy couples go through things, they hopefully have their basic bond to help them through or when one person goes through something, the other has their back. When one person is taken away; but still physically present, you have all of the responsibility of life, possibly parenting, possibly career and marriage but no one has your back. Marriage is supposed to be a reciprocal relationship, except when it?s not. And if there?s no light in sight of restoration, it?s draining. And for the most part, all others think about is the suffering of the one with the illness. So it can also be isolating. I miss him. I miss my friend, my children?s father. Every day of the 6 y ears (in a week) he?s been gone I feel his absence in some way. For a significant number of years before that though, I had some of those same feelings of grief, only I also had to take care of him, shoulder his anger, survive his mood swings and live through the traumas that came as a result of his illness. I was so worn out. It was so much pressure. I think the worse was when had an unexpected pregnancy the year prior and after not speaking to me for 2 days like I stole his seed, he spoke negatively of the baby. He had his good moments, both during the pregnancy and in the 8 weeks he lived after our son was born and I try my hardest to hold on to those memories. When he felt well enough, he was a really good father; but bottom line, he said of our son ?I love him. He still shouldn?t be here.? I read a lot on this board people especially my fellow solo parents say, ?If only he/she was still here?? As much as I miss him, and the children miss him, as much as parenting solo sucks, I think to myself, with where life has taken me as far as how I have had to parent the children (both have learning challenges) ?If he was still here, I don?t know how I would survive.

I agree. I actually had the conversation with the main person in his life we chose, his Godfather. Ds asked to visit him. I also told him outright, ds is starting to grieve and could use some time with him. He lives 5 minutes from us. Nothing yet. I tell myself people just have other stuff. Being he and his wife would have my children if anything happened to me, I admit, I'm a bit discouraged. I just hope it will change. He's close to his youth pastor and I have also talked to him. He's older but a very good man. My mother also got on my youngest uncle about it. He moved back "home" a year ago and is 35 minutes from us now. He's the same age as dh. Basically said, why haven't you been to see him, you know he doesn't have a dad.

Thanks all. He's too young for Tigers right now; but I will consider it again in a year when he qualifies. For now, we're signed up for the next soccer season.

When I was growing up, I got my license at 17, a year later than most of my friends who were standing at the DMV the day they turned 16. It just wasn?t a priority for me I think. I want to say irrational fears aside, you are not alone in this. My daughter is 12, will be 13 in a couple of months. I have friends I went to college with who have children between 10 and 14. We meet up a lot when go to football games at our alma mater and one week, somehow the subject of them driving came up. One guy has a nice mustang and someone walked by after he parked asking if he was going to give it to his daughter when she could drive. She?s 14 now. Turns out we were all considering delaying driving for our children. We are all for the most part living and raising our children in much larger cities than we grew up in, of course there is the cost issue as well. It?s not like it used to be. Driver?s Ed isn?t offered in school here and you?re pretty much on your own for getting your children the instruction. No one?s made a definite decision and we?re all watching how they mature and such; but I?m thinking we?re waiting at least an extra year. Don?t know if I want to go as far as 18 as that isn?t much time to gain experience before college and if she ended up at a community college or a nearby school and lived at home, we?d have an issue.

That?s where it seems all those well-meaning folks went who promised me my son would not be without male influence in his life. Now I know this isn?t new; but my husband was a community leader and at his funeral I had women coming to me thanking me for the time he gave their sons and there are men around. Everyone is just ?in their own lives?. When they do things with their sons they don?t think of him. I don't really fault them; but it is frustrating and tiring because I didn't ask anyone for a thing when dh died. Guys were all over it but now he is old enough to need attention from more than just me. I told my mother I guess I should have had myself together and gotten another partner by now. And I can?t see myself going, ?Hey, my son could use some male bonding, could you come and get him?? I?m the type that just goes another direction to find it. I signed him up for soccer. It was what he wanted to play first. And wouldn?t you know it, we got a wonderful, experienced, knowledgeable, female coach. I asked him if he wanted to try flag footbal in the springl; but while he wants to, he wants soccer more; so we?ll see what happens next season. He finally looked at his Godfather on Sunday and said, ?I want to come visit at your house.? The response was ?Sure, just tell me when you want to come.? He?s 6 mind you. I said, ?Well, you are going to have to decide that.? He?s 6. His life is school and soccer. He is also now starting to grieve. He was 2 months old when dh died; so he has no real memories of him. But he knows what a father is and asks for his back. Is he still sick? Is he better yet? Is he coming back? I want daddy back. And I know at the end of the day whatever guy spends time with him is still ?someone else?s dad,? it has got to be better than all women. Me, his sister, his teacher, his afterschool caregivers, his children?s church teachers, his coach. When you?re little, most of the people who care for you tend to be female. So I hoped for those guys to remember those promises they made. In the meantime, I?m learning soccer drills and working on my spiral. Not to mention trying to do my part to help him through Kindergarten. Oh and there?s that little thing called working to support him and his sister. No problem right? Just needed to vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

That is very sweet. How resourceful and thoughtful of him. My children both made cards in their children's church classes. I almost cried when I read what my 12 year-old wrote. These moments are so important. Great young man you have.

I don't know about you; but I don't have an issue shaking my fist at dh when I have trouble with the children. I told my pastor's wife some days he's wonderful, others he is the little stinker who died on me. But I definitely see where you?re coming from; because society as a whole already intentionally or unintentionally attempts to make us feel inferior. And I put a lot of pressure on myself because there?s no one to check with, consult with, help with various decisions. If it?s the wrong decision it?s mine that?s true. I have tried to bring myself to the knowledge that really sometimes there is no one to blame. You do the best you can do with the knowledge and energy you have. And truth is one or two parents can do that and things still go wrong and if each is trying to do that it doesn?t give either of them permission to make the other the scapegoat for every issue their child may have. Just like we can?t blame every issue our children have on the loss. Not that people don't. I know being a mom in this situation, I see all of the time whenever a child has issues, people comment, ?Must not be a dad in the house.? I even saw an article someone shared on facebook where some supposed expert renamed ADHD ADAH, for Ain?t No Daddy At Home. Like there aren?t plenty of two parent homes where children have issues, including ADHD.

Oh my, I can't imagine. My 12 year-old and I have never been apart for more than 3 days and that was almost 6 years ago when her Godparents took her with them for Spring break right after dh died. She never wants to be gone for more than a night for a sleep over. What an amazing sacrifice you've made for him. I'm glad he is doing well. Shows even more what a strong young guy you have. Doesn't help a mommy's heart. I hope the time passes quickly for you.

I am curious. Was he the only child not invited to stay overnight? Is this a thing where say 10 or 15 children are getting together for the party and say only 5 or 6 are sleeping over? Is it all at one place? All on the same day? Maybe it's just me; but it seems odd. I know there are times when one child in the house will be invited to a party if their circles are different. But in my view, either the party is a sleep over or it isn't, especially if it is all on the same day. I'm considering a few different ways to celebrate my daughter's 13th birthday coming up in April. What she chooses will determine how many people are invited. Dave and Buster's is on the table and if that is chosen, invites will be 10 plus. Dinner at Appleby's followed by a birthday sleepover package at the Embassy Suites is on the table. If that is chosen, it will be limited to 3 girls in addition to her. Great Wolf Lodge is a 3rd choice in which case we'd take one friend. We're not going to go to Dave and Busters with a big group and then exclude 6 or 7 and do a sleepover. And this situation is exactly why. I'm glad you have something else he can do.

I have 2 children. We are at almost 6 years out. We try to vacation regularly. It is like therapy. I started a few months after dh died. I had though taken a few trips alone with my daughter prior to his death when he wasn?t really comfortable traveling; but was okay to be at home by himself. I had always liked to travel and had started my daughter traveling early and didn?t want to wait too long to get my son going. We did a week at the beach for our first one. It was summer and we had booked a short cruise (group trip with our church and 2 others) that I cancelled as dh died right before the final payment was due. I still had the week off though and since I had returned to work a week after the funeral, I kept the week. My daughter was 7 and my son was 6 months old. There were some lonely moments for me; but overall it was a nice trip. I had one of those pop up tents. We spent time out on the beach, in the hotel?s indoor pool, went on a dolphin watch tour and visited the local aquarium. My son was great. It was actually our first summer vacation. Dh refused to travel in the summer due to the costs. Only really tough part was about half way home (3 hour drive), my son decided he had enough of his car seat and cried for an hour. After stopping twice to comfort him, all I could do was just get home. It was almost 3 years before we did another long drive; but we flew to Orlando a couple of times (2 hour flight). I like doing Disney because of the flexibility of how I can pay for it. Plus we stay in one of the cheaper hotels on property and take their transportation so I get a break from driving. We got hooked and have been 4 times. We also like Great Wolf Lodge for a quick weekend here and there. There is one 2.5 hours from us. We also do day trips to go to sporting events. We like to support my alma mater. I haven?t done a cruise with both of them. I really want to though. I think it is a wonderful way to travel. That would be great because they have children?s programs on the boats and you could possibly get time together and time apart depending on how the children like the program. And if you like they try to match you with a similar family for seating at dinner. You can I think also specify you want your own table. We did one a few years before dh died. My daughter was 4 and loved it. I had said we would go once my son was toilet trained; but for some reason now that she?s older, my daughter says being out there would make her too nervous. She says it is because she saw Titanic. Like someone else said, traveling with other family has never worked out for us. We see my classmates at those sporting events and they have children close to my daughter?s age so that is a lot of fun. But for vacations, family I would travel with they are in a different stage of life and don?t have to plan as much in advance as I do. I might get a note 3 months out about a cruise and I need longer than that paying for 3 people by myself. Or the dates would be during school. I couldn?t go the first 3 times I was asked; so now I don?t get asked. I get a text saying, ?We?re about to get on the boat, love you.? I took someone with us twice. We took my mom with us to Great Wolf Lodge once. We took my sitter (at the time) on spring break with us once. She is the daughter of my children?s Godparents. She was in high school at the time. They wanted her to have a vacation but couldn?t get away so she came with us. The children were 8 and 1 at the time. It was nice to have her along. I didn?t have to drag the children with me just to get ice. But other than that, we have been on our own and it?s fine. I think if we had to wait for things to line up to vacation with others, we wouldn?t do much. You can do it. Key is flexibility, especially with younger ones. And especially if you have children who don't carry their own stuff or even if you do, I always say, pack as if no one will lift a finger to help you. Try not to set off on a trip or even go to the airport knowing that because of the amount of stuff you have you can't get through without someone coming to your rescue.

My daughter will be 13 in April. My son is 5. She doesn?t get an allowance; and doesn?t have a card to access her small savings. I could give them money; but no one steps up to take them shopping for any of these ?days? (Mother?s Day, my birthday, or Christmas) so it would be kind of pointless. My husband wasn?t really here long enough for my daughter to learn the importance of giving to me. Honestly it would be nice if a grandparent or a Godparent or someone took this on without me having to say anything. I haven?t yet figured out how to do that myself. I have worked on them not taking things for granted and knowing things just don?t happen by magic around here. They are learning about people who are less fortunate than they are and the money that would have gone to dh?s presents goes to some charity (orphans, children with cancer) every year. But I think I have gotten used to not getting anything. That being said, my daughter also didn?t really ask for anything. When asked what she wanted, she said not really anything; but some clothes would be nice; so that was what she got along with some art books and an upgrade on her headphones since she is seriously studying music. She also doesn?t ask to buy anything for anyone else. Only one of my daughter?s friends gets a gift from her/us and it is mainly because her birthday is on December 22nd. They?ve been friends for a long time and she is like a 2nd daughter to me. If she had found a way to shop for others and not me, I can honestly say that would really hurt. When this comes up, I always remember asking my mother for a ride so I could get her a Mother?s Day gift one year prior to getting my license and she refused saying she should not have to drive me for that. Mind you I asked for a ride, not the money. Now that I?m a parent; I still don?t think I?d mind providing transportation for that. I think it was more the fact that it was the day before so she knew I had waited until the last minute. My stepdad wasn?t going to be home until dark and there was no guarantee I wouldn?t get the same response from him; so I rode my bike to the store.

Just want to thank you for posting this. My son is almost 6; but having been 2 months old when his father died, the reality of it, is coming on him very slowly and right now he's in a tough phase. Happy most of the time; but doesn't want to talk about his father at all. Sees a picture of him and instead of saying, "that's daddy," turns his head and yells "NOT FAIR!" So we are definitely not in a phase where we can deal with something like that. Sounds like watching Jurassic Park would be less traumatizing, which we actually did last week because he was so mesmurized seeing the animals. He loves them; which was why I considered taking him to see this movie. My son was rooting for the dinos in certain scenes, granted it was when the humans were trying to shoot them. My daughter received the DVD for Big Hero 6 as a gift just off the previews and trailers; but I kind of "put it somewhere and forgot where" once I heard what happened.

Happy Birthday to her

I can relate. Seems now whenever one of my children gets the sniffles, I catch it and it ends up being bronchitis. 2 years ago, it got so bad, I missed 10 days of work, had to have steroids, breathing treatments, the works. It was winter break so at least I didn't have to go out to get anyone to school. Kids were 10 and 3. The 10 year-old microwaved food after I would drag myself out to get groceries. That was the only time we got dressed while I was sick except when I went to the doctor. I remember buying extra underwear and socks so I wouldn't have to do the laundry. I had it again this year; but it didn't get to be as bad. It's like a vicious cycle. You need to rest to feel better; but you have so many responsibilities you can't. But because you don't, crap usually lasts longer. Hope everyone feels better.

That primal scream, I remember it well. I?m probably queen of keeping things inside. I don?t recommend it. Scream if you must. Took 18 months; but scream I did one day during alter call at church when I had gone up for prayer. I had been feeling frightening anger over what happened and when the lady starting praying, everything came out. Thankfully my children were in Children?s church in another building.

Congratulations to you both

I haven't dealt with this either; but I know it is possible. I have a spreadsheet too that tracks expenses and my bank statements to back it up. I have 2 children so 2/3 of the expenses like everyone else noted. Add in clothes/shoes, extracurricular activities, entertainment, the occassional vacation, barbershop/salon visits, summer camp, child care when school is closed, etc, I'm way over. Now that private school and daycare are behind us I will no longer be claiming them as dependents; but even without those two things I'm still spending way over what they get. Once you begin to take a look at it, I'd be willing to bet you find the same.

Coming here never fails to show me I am not alone, even down to the food items in the bedrooms. We moved and are now renting and my #1 rule was no colored juice or food out of the kitchen unless it was in a no spill container, and I made sure there were plenty of those available. My 12 year-old complained they looked like baby cups. Fine, then drink in the kitchen. But it never fails because I can?t stay awake for 24 hours a day. Just recently I found almost empty Sunny Delight bottles in her room. Notice I said almost empty. And several tiny spills are on the carpet now. The owner left this great stuff called Spot Shot for us and it works great, as long as it is applied and used within a few minutes of the mishap. When I asked why she didn?t clean it up at least? ?I don?t know how to use it.? What part of spray and wipe is too hard? And taking away electronics? Not going to happen because she needs the dang tablet as much as wants it. I already take it at bed time or she?d never go to sleep. I hear you on not wanting so much of the interaction to be negative. This is something I have to watch as well, especially in the evenings on school days. She also has learning challenges so school requires double or triple the work and energy. When I get her back, she?s given school so much energy she?s cranky some of the time. We try to do things together that provide some type of release, like going to sporting events. I think the main thing that helps us is something I learned not long after her learning and attention challenges were diagnosed. I had already read about it in the book Power of a Praying Parent; but determining her strengths and gifts and nurturing those has helped us in various ways. Gives us something positive to do and talk about, something I can always turn to so she hopefully doesn?t get that ?Mom doesn?t think I do anything right,? feeling and gives her some much needed balance so her life isn?t all school, rules, etc. She loves to sing and draw so I let her join a community youth choir and an after school character design club and while I may deny her something else, these two things are off limits when it comes to punishments. We are and probably always will be a work in progress; but I see her trying. The people at my last IEP meeting noticed significant growth, especially in her motivation to learn. Yes, she cleaned her room by putting everything that was on the floor in the closet?baby steps. Friends we attend sporting events with have children of similar ages, which is part of what makes it so much fun. Turns out we are all experiencing these things with our children. Being the only parent definitely adds to the stress. It all falls on you. No one with as much invested in the little offspring there to lean on, talk to, help with decisions, help enforce rules. I don't know how many times I have had to bite my tongue when someone (usually my mother) flippantly said, "Well, you're the parent...make her." Always want to say, "Wow, thanks. I'll get right on that."

I?ve had to unfollow some family members, too much drama and too many 4 letter words (my children are sometimes sitting with me when I?m on there.) They have no idea I?ve done it.

Sounds like it is by far the best thing for everyone. I hope it goes smoothly.

This will be our 6th set. For me Thanksgiving is the hard one. We have spent each Christmas at home the three of us and gone to my mother's house late afternoon. But at Thanksgiving, we always hosted and dh would cook. We have actually only spent 1 of the 6 at home. First one we went to Disney as the teachers at my daughter's school had a conference the Monday and Tuesday before the holiday which gave the children the entire week off. I went home and booked it after the meeting where we got the school calendar. Didn't know how I was going to pay for it. Got hooked on Disney that week. We haven't been back at Thanksgiving again; but we've been a few times. Some of the others we have gone to my sister's house a couple of hours away. It's relaxing, I hang with my sister, I contribute groceries but don't do any cooking and my children have a good time with their cousins. Plus my dad comes and since he lives halfway across the country it's one of just a couple of times a year we see him. We've also gone to Myrtle Beach (we live in NC) to a resort with an indoor water play area. By the way Mexico and Hawaii both sound wonderful.

I'm late to this thread; but we moved in March and I have been so much happier. We actually spent our first night in the new house on the 5th anniversary of dh's death. Not planned I assure you. We were delayed a week due to weather issues. As to the other house we shared with dh, I let it go. Honestly as dh?s health deteriorated and seeing how he handled things, I had a strong feeling that if/when he passed he would do so at home. I knew or thought I knew that if that happened, I?d move immediately to escape the memories. What I didn?t know was that he left his $200K plus in life insurance to other family. I couldn?t afford to move when he died. I had just had a baby and had a job through a temp agency. Staying wasn?t any easier. My name was on the deed; but the mortgage was in dh?s name only, and along with keeping that house, I was also trying to keep my promise to dh by keeping our daughter in private school despite her being diagnosed with Dyslexia and having to pay for all of her help out of pocket along with having our other child in daycare. At the same time trying to fix the house up as it had no attention in the years we were together unless something broke because dh?s illness was always the center of our lives. Sometimes I struggled with the payment, and when I did, there was no talking to the mortgage company about it due to my name not being on the loan. Then tax time would come and I?d catch it up; but the cycle continued. Every time I sent the paperwork in to take care of that name issue, it somehow got lost. I'm now seeing that as a blessing in disguise. I eventually took my daughter out of that private school. Nothing exploded. That same year my son began his last year of preschool. Rules being what they are, I realized this would be the last year I could claim the kids on my taxes because with them both being in public school, SS would be covering over half their expenses. I had been on a permanent job for 3 years; so instead of taking this year?s refund to catch up the mortgage and do some house repair, we moved. I had begun to work with an investor who buys homes ?as/is? even if the mortgage is behind; but that was also complicated by the loan not being in my name. He couldn?t guarantee me he?d buy it even if I managed to get that taken care of; so I thanked him for his time, consulted with several attorneys to confirm a foreclosure would not affect my credit (which had already suffered plenty since dh?s death) and let the house go back to the bank. I moved the children and me to a small townhome not far from the old house. It was a little rough moving after so long and it was not easy waiting on the foreclosure to go through; but I?m more than happy about the decision. That house was draining me mentally and physically as much as financially. I told myself if me keeping the house was that important to dh, he would have done something to make sure I could do so. Three people moved into new homes and got new vehicles with dh's insurance money including his ex (financed by my stepdaughter). I was more than done struggling with that house by the time I finally moved. The payment is about the same; but the utillities are way way less. I wish I could have done it sooner.