Whack-a-mole

[jodiwitz]

I feel like I'm the mole in that whack-a-mole game - every time I try put my head back up after another disaster, I get whacked back down.

 

It will be 3 weeks on Tuesday since Chuck died (suddenly, probably a stroke, he was 53).  Just to give a little background, in 1998, our 14 mo old son, Jordan, died from a genetic disease.  As a way to cope, he protected me. I mean, really, really protected me. He did everything - grocery shopping, cooking, all the upkeep on the house and cars.  I think I was still in a depression over Jordan, I slept a lot But I put on my big girl panties and I'm dealing with my new life - I'm sleeping less, I'm cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, blah blah blah. What I should have been doing all along. 

 

But anyway, it just seems like everything is happening.  I've read to go easy on myself, do one thing a day, but life won't let me.  I have to deal with insurance (calling for an appt tomorrow to apply for obamacare/medicaid/CHIP), I have to find an income (social security appt on July 17), I have to put up a front for my kids (because they were too upset seeing me upset all the time), my mom is still living with me (I know the longer she stays, the harder it will be to let her go home), the lawn mower broke, prescription ran out and can't fill it cuz I have no insurance, the dryer is trying to break, the dog & the cat are acting up...

 

I went to church today, I've been going for the past 3 weeks - I feel peace there, so I think it's good for me, and we have been active in the church so everyone knows us. And so many people want to help, and I know it helps them grieve to help me. But I don't know what to tell them, how they can help! Should I make a list and carry it with me? I can't make it through the grocery store without Ativan, so I'm really struggling with the household upkeep, I don't KNOW what needs done. I just want to grieve for my husband. But I have to keep pushing it away.  Everyone and everything wants a piece of me.

 

Now I'm wondering about probate & estate - do I need a lawyer? Why isn't there a guide - newly widowed for dummies? He didn't leave a will. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

 

 

 

[Guaruj]

Hi Jodi -

 

I'm sorry that so many problems are popping up like this right now. It sounds like you have a lot of loose ends to take care of.

 

I went to church today, I've been going for the past 3 weeks - I feel peace there, so I think it's good for me, and we have been active in the church so everyone knows us. And so many people want to help, and I know it helps them grieve to help me.

 

This sounds like an excellent source of support to me. If I were there and you told me your lawnmower broke down, I'd look for a way to get your lawn mowed and your mower fixed.

 

But I don't know what to tell them, how they can help! Should I make a list and carry it with me?

 

I would suggest that you call somebody you know from the church - can you call the pastor?  All you need to do is tell them what you told us right here.

 

Hang in there. Things will get better if you keep trying. If people are offering to help you now, please accept it now. Eventually they will leave you alone out of respect, and it doesn't like you want that right now.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[donswife]

I know it felt like everything broke after Don died and it escalates the stress

just try and take a breath and I think you are doing really well

having to get Everything done can be exhausting especially when you are used to having chuck by your side to help

and take care of all of this

Yes make a list and see who can help , your church would be a wonderful place to ask

I bet someone would be more than happy to help fix the lawnmower /dryer

Maybe even have ideas about income ,

it was really hard for me to ask but when I did everyone was glad to

It made them feel like they were doing what don/chuck would have done for them

take care and again so sorry you have to be in this position to begin with

PS....i still need ativan once in awhile and grocery stores and one of the triggers

 

 

 

[DansSoulmate]

I agree, make a list and ask for help.  Dan's friends have been wonderful and have responded quickly to every request.  With regard to the estate, I'm not an attorney but did want to offer some thoughts from my experience.  To my knowledge every state can (will) be different when someone passes without a will but in my state (North Carolina) the county has an estate department and they were very helpful even though Dan had a will but some assets were titled solely in his name.  In my experience items that had a beneficiary designation did not pass through the estate and there was an estate asset value  threshold whereby the estate didn't have to be probated. Again, I"m not an attorney, but you may need to be named the executor and get letters of testamentary but check with the estate department or maybe someone in your church can be of assistance.  One word of caution on hiring an attorney, though, if one is needed, rates can vary and be sure you understand their billing practices.  You are doing great to handle these things so early.  In  my case it helped me to bring some level of control over a highly chaotic experience.  I was lucky in that both the funeral home and the donation services organization provided me with a wonderful checklist of next steps from both a financial and emotional perspective.  Take care!