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fairlanegirl

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  1. If it is any help, I moved mine to the right hand a few months after and they have stayed there for the last seven years. I am also in a relationship but imagine even if we marry, those rings will stay, I can't see myself ever taking them off and my boyfriend isn't bothered (if he were, I doubt we'd be together TBH). I wouldn't expect people to guess your situation but equally, found they are unlikely to ask about them at all. I think one person ever has in my case, assuming they were new engagement/wedding rings and not really thinking as in the Anglosphere they are usually on the left hand. I guess a lot of women may also wear mother's old rings etc on different hands. Mike is right, there will be a few awkward moments, whatever you do. These days if someone asked what my husband did I could say, 'Not much, he's dead!' but early on, it would have been like being stabbed. My husband also died in an accident, at 43, though no one else was involved. My heart really goes out to you x
  2. fairlanegirl

    7 years; so short yet so long

    Seven years past in February here and everything you say about sadness and tears resonates. Went to see Bohemian Rhapsody at the weekend and cried through so much of it, would have cried anyway about poor Freddie, but we all know at times like that for us it is more, like the floodgates open. I'm doing it now as I type. I have a good man again but he has not got the best of me, I feel sometimes. Just worn out with being widowed. Eddie - ' I can function but I notice I am not as able to concentrate to my best level. It’s more like a slight fatigue.' is so true.
  3. fairlanegirl

    Rant about the DGI's..... (Don't get it's.....)

    People don't experience loss in the same way though; he may be genuinely befuddled. Going to the cemetery with you - maybe he thought it would help? I don't tell my bloke when I am going, he doesn't ask, I realise that is not possible for everyone. He is perfectly comfortable about my widowed status though. SW you make a good point: those of us further out do tend to be more tolerant, if that's the word, than those raw earlier times. Without knowing any more, I wouldn't write the poor bugger off as a psychopath!
  4. fairlanegirl

    It must be tough...

    I'm with Portside here TBH, at least the lady cared enough to say something, and acknowledge that it is indeed tough, rather than giving her some silly positive thinking message or worse. It was succinct and to the point. 'Tough' can cover a lot of things too, from having a cold, to serious mental health issues to losing your home to losing a loved one to...
  5. fairlanegirl

    Really - forever mail?

    Yes! My insurance company here in NZ does exactly the same - seven years too...What is it with them? They are the only ones who do it. And it's not the 'estate' that is paying the premiums, it's 100% me, for goodness' sake. It also took them years and two requests to remove the written-off bike he was killed on from the bloody policy... On another note though, I still get a mailer addressed to him every few months that I have not contacted, as it is the only other thing that still turns up with his name on it, and not 'estate' obviously. We all know how evidence of their existence seems to slowly be erased, so I am still happy to get these, though I never open them. Strange how we go (or at least I went) from being stabbed in the heart each time it happens, to glad for it.
  6. fairlanegirl

    Eureka!

    Not sure why you need an excuse not to go out with someone? You are obviously not keen on him, let the both of you waste no more of each other's time!
  7. fairlanegirl

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Rubbish, it's dishonest. Whether women do it or not is irrelevant, straw man there. Thankfully I didn't have to step into the online minefield...
  8. fairlanegirl

    Temporary solo parents

    I'd counter that PEOPLE can be thoughtless, ain't no male monopoly on that! You're doing well not to respond - I suspect even after seven years I would, gently of course...
  9. fairlanegirl

    a widow dating a new widower - help!

    I didn't mean 'dating' two people at once - sorry if it came across that way - that has not been a 'thing' here either until recently perhaps, more of a US thing (I'm in NZ)? I used to watch American telly and when they talked about 'seeing other people' and 'going exclusive' always wondered how that worked - does one just shag a few at a time until deciding?! Things cut to the chase physically pretty quickly in this part of the world so that's what it sounds like, not snogging and going to the movies :-) Anyway I digress badly - I just meant that to me, you and this other lady seem to be kind of served up on a plate for him to pick from, without a lot of agency on your part, like you're all waiting gratefully for this bloke to choose. I guess in my book, someone is either really into you and only you, or not: if not, I wouldn't bother.
  10. fairlanegirl

    a widow dating a new widower - help!

    Thanks for the further explanation Shelly I'd still run a mile, agree with what others have said about what he has said, goodness. Pretty shitty way to treat the other woman too, frankly, unless maybe she knows and his happy with that? Is that a cultural thing? With all due respect, are you just there to be 'chosen'?
  11. fairlanegirl

    a widow dating a new widower - help!

    He 'couldn't make up his mind'?! 'From his class'?! Must be nice to have these two women dangling, bloody 'ell, as we say in this part of the world, what a guy! And considering getting engaged to someone he doesn't even really care about, so his kids can have an instant replacement mother, gosh that's magnanimous of him, does she know? I'm not sure where you are in the world shelly, but and if this is a usual sort of thing, but 'Run, Forrest, run!' would be my advice. It's unlikely this will end well. This gentleman likely needs some time to himself. By 'quickly' it is possible too his wife didn't mean quite that quickly...
  12. fairlanegirl

    Family Obligations

    Seven years out and six years into a new relationship, still see my in-laws with the children (12 and 9) a couple of times a year, and the children see them another time or two (they live far away). I guess I'm lucky in that I love them, and they have always treated me like family even after I met someone else, which is something I'm grateful for. They are just lovely people who have lost so much. Your children are adults, so as others have said, they can continue to see the in-laws without you, and also as others have said, it depends on your relationship with them. We do some holidays together, some not, and that seems to work OK on a case by case basis.
  13. fairlanegirl

    For those in budding relationships ...

    Needytoo you might find as time goes on that not living together becomes less of a 'thing'. We are so used to the go out with someone - move in - maybe marry pattern that we and others often assume that's the only way, when there are many ways to be committed to each other. BF and i don't live together as logistics and he has a dad at home he keeps an eye on, and over time my kids and I have got used to him being half the time at his, half at ours, and actually, it works well. Everyone gets their own space too. If anything I don't see us permanently under the same roof for five or more years, until children are older, and fine with that. I realize if you live far apart it would be harder.
  14. fairlanegirl

    Dating as a widow parent of young kids

    Dragonfly, you're in exactly the right place. To add my two cents, another different experience - I never 'dated' as such, it is more of a thing here these days (I'm in NZ) than when I was younger but I honestly think I could not have done online. I ended up with someone I'd known years ago, who helped out with chores every few months after my husband died. So the children (they were six and three) knew him a bit before we became an item. He said he would've waited as long as I wanted but ahem, it took a whole two weeks before he was staying over three nights a week. I knew myself well enough to know it wouldn't be long. And don't have any beliefs surrounding premarital sex, children seeing a bloke sleeping in the same bed as me, etc. That said, it would indeed have been much harder with older more 'aware what mummy is doing' children, I think. And in hindsight (we are happily at 6 years now), it was a gamble. But I would never have actually got to be in an adult relationship with him otherwise. Though the reasons may be different, logistically there are actually a lot of people, mainly women, out there in the same position, where the other parent has left entirely or was never there to start with, and they too have been left in charge 24/7. Those friends are nice to have too, they have some understanding.
  15. fairlanegirl

    BIL creeping me out...

    I would not say anything about not being 'ready' or your sister's memory - if the bloke is this persistent he might think 'Oh one day she'll be "ready" and I'll be there!' And frankly, his behaviour is off even if the two of you weren't widowed. And he must know it but just keeps chancing his arm. Unless there is some info we don't have here, a simple 'No, sorry, I'm just not interested' should suffice. That's not insensitive or mean. We all have to deal with rejection sometimes. I assume you meant 'untouchable' there EW, although it hopefully would put him off making any moves on the sofa :-)


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