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  1. fairlanegirl

    Have you ever been called out?

    Surely the devil in the detail here - it really depends on what's going on and how much people really know about the situation? As in, there is a difference between criticizing someone's parenting because the kids have untidy rooms, just as an example, and mum or dad collapsing in a booze- or drug-addled heap every night and neglecting them? I guess if you are thinking of making a comment, it must be pretty obviously bad?
  2. RAM, don't beat yourself up. When my bloke and I do text, we reply to each other, and fairly promptly. I would definitely want an explanation otherwise. And seeing each other once a week anyway would be too little for me most of the time too. At the risk of being crude, well you know, it'd be frustrating, for one thing! My guy is usually here most of weekend and one night in week. The rest of the time I'm happy enough to do my own thing, with the odd phone call. TBH I have two kids here including a 14-year-old, and things can get pretty tense/awful between him and her, so wouldn't want to be living together right now. I guess the peace and just being able to cope by myself with the kids is enough the rest of the time.Feeling secure in the knowledge he loves me helps even when he isn't here. Re going away and not being in contact, I've always been a 'no news is good news' kind of person. Or rather was, until my husband was killed in an accident. Now if I travel, I will text on arrival, at my boyfriend's request, as he is a worrier. So I guess that is my long-winded way of saying, wanting to see your fella more is not necessarily 'insecure'. Wanting responses to texts is not needy, it's normal. I don't know how long you've been going out with this guy, but mine is a long-standing relationship of several years so I feel secure enough to ask for what I need: I know it's harder at the beginning when you don't always know how to talk to each other about things.
  3. Shows we are all different - I've been happily with a fellow for seven years now who I love but don't live with, and we can go 2-3 days without contact. I pretty much know when he will turn up and we know we love each other: we just don't need to be in contact every single day.
  4. Not saying it will help, or there are any parallels to your situation, but go see Gloria Bell with Julianne Moore that just came out, remake of a Chilean film.
  5. fairlanegirl

    There's hope for me yet....

    Ooh, not so sure about that: in this part of the world up to a couple of decades ago 'confirmed bachelor' used to be the code for 'gay chap' 🙂
  6. fairlanegirl

    A widow’s TED talk about moving forward

    Thank you for sharing that, she had some good points and expressed them well.
  7. fairlanegirl

    Last name change

    That is lovely. You were ahead of your time 🙂
  8. fairlanegirl

    Last name change

    One of those 'same planet different worlds' discussions - with the greatest respect it's very hard for me to understand why anyone would change their name at all, let alone because the bloke really wanted them to - why doesn't he change his?! I've never understood this, even as a child. It seems a huge controlling red flag to me, if a woman is reluctant. Some idiots say (not to my face, here in NZ keeping your name is v common and I doubt with me they'd dare) 'Well it is a 'man's name' - your father's - haha' type of thing - to which I would reply well, 1) It had been my name too for 31 years, and 2) I have three brothers - bet no one has ever said 'Ooh but it's your father's name' to them! Different strokes for different folks....
  9. fairlanegirl


    You can do it gently. I remember saying to a couple of people, 'Um. maybe I'm not really the right person to vent about that to?' If they still don't get it, well, that's another story. Eight years out, I probably wouldn't bother unless someone really annoyed me. I never moaned about my husband though, and fortunately my friends and family don't really moan about their spouses and exes.
  10. No you are not nuts. And yes you picked the right group of people! I don't feel my husband around, but a few months after he died in 2011 I was just checking emails in my home office and heard really distinctive breathing. I wasn't meditating or anything. It was very strange. But was it in my head? No idea. It has never happened since. I think of myself as an open-minded sceptic, and since opening up to a couple of people about this kind of thing, I have heard similar, or verifiable stories of precognition, ghosts. I think more people have these experiences than we realise, but like you, don't want people to think they are mad! I do also think some folks are more attuned to this than others. I've also learned (the hard way) that you have to be a bit careful who you open up to about this kind of thing, and mediums. It never occurred to me that people might be disturbed by it, because I'm pretty matter of fact, and an agnostic-bordering-on-atheist, but I had a couple of friends who in hindsight, I can see were freaked out. One was a Christian, the other brought up a strict Catholic but not now practising, and I think they may have associated it all with the occult. But another Christian friends was totally fine.
  11. fairlanegirl

    I just want to go with the flow

    They do indeed, it's not that my entire existence revolves around the kids, at all. (Not sure if that's what you meant, sorry if it's not) Having a fancy man + children is rather nice 🙂 and we may cohabit before the youngest is out the door, but for various reasons , am happy with status quo at the moment.
  12. fairlanegirl

    I just want to go with the flow

    I very much understand this. I have been with a new partner for seven years and we still have separate households. He has no children, I have two aged 13 and 9, and he is here about half the week. We have talked of marriage in the future--he has never been married, so it would be nice to do this for him--but to be honest, logistically and emotionally, it won't be for a while. As others have said, when you throw children into the mix...I have a teen that clashes with him, which brings tension, and much as I love him, he can be a real glass-half-empty person (parents from Yorkshire, he can't help it 🙂) at times, and a bit moody, which gets quite wearying mentally to be around. I wasn't used to it with my DH, and fear it might start to get me down if it was all the time. I can really relate to just wanting PEACE and a non-toxic home environment. I think after being widowed, we value calm and things just going along relatively happily. My children enjoying each other's company without fighting, my work going well, seeing friends, these are all so precious too. For his part, time away from my kids, doing his own thing and looking after his dad are good. He has never cohabited with anyone, so I think this suits us both for the moment. The first couple of years he had religious friends asking him when we were getting married, but they seem to have stopped. I think people get into this 'go out with someone-buy house-shack up/marry' mentality (which I very happily did the first time round) as if that's the natural progression, when particularly as we get older, some of us have a more 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' mentality. And in Western societies, we are fortunate to be able to make such choices, because of course in many places, especially for widows, one doesn't have such choices. Klim when you said 'And then when I analyse all this i wonder will this ever be smooth and right.....and I think the answer is yes given time for all involved to evolve. ' that really resonated with me. I can see the BF and I off travelling, living together, doing our various things when the kids have left maybe. Right now, 3 nights a week is perfect. Sounds like you have a nice arrangement, no hurry to spoil it. As long as he knows you love him.
  13. This resonates with me. I used to walk around feeling so buoyant and loved and lucky with my DH; I don't have that same euphoric feeling with my new (well, almost seven years) bloke, but I know we really do love each other, and it feels good in its own, different way. I think death took away my 'lightness' in that respect, but it doesn't mean I love new fellow any less. It's complicated, eh. I guess it helps that I am not prone to overthinking, something I've only really realized since being widowed. Never been a goal-setter in life either, and managed just fine. We all know better than most that life can completely mess up any plans anyway. I understand though that if your personality is different to this, you have to take a different tack. All the best. I'd say, just enjoy. I had been in a few relationships before my husband, so knew what felt right, I guess, and realized this new bloke was in my heart, and I wanted him to stay there. You love him but don't see yourself staying with him? What's missing? Only you know. Be careful not to self-sabotage though.
  14. fairlanegirl

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    Bless him, that has to be a shared custody thing; when you have your children just you, all the time (much as you love them), well, this would drive me (even more) insane!
  15. fairlanegirl

    Holiday question

    I can't help feeling it might be a bit late for 21 and 25 year old blokes starting to bake Christmas cookies...Yes it will be hard for your sons with you having a new partner, but pandering to them by cooking and waiting around for them to call the shots on your Christmas Day also won't help them, or any future partners they may have, who likely will expect grownup behaviour. These guys are adults and can do their own thing. Whatever you decide, have a lovely day.

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