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  1. fairlanegirl


    You can do it gently. I remember saying to a couple of people, 'Um. maybe I'm not really the right person to vent about that to?' If they still don't get it, well, that's another story. Eight years out, I probably wouldn't bother unless someone really annoyed me. I never moaned about my husband though, and fortunately my friends and family don't really moan about their spouses and exes.
  2. No you are not nuts. And yes you picked the right group of people! I don't feel my husband around, but a few months after he died in 2011 I was just checking emails in my home office and heard really distinctive breathing. I wasn't meditating or anything. It was very strange. But was it in my head? No idea. It has never happened since. I think of myself as an open-minded sceptic, and since opening up to a couple of people about this kind of thing, I have heard similar, or verifiable stories of precognition, ghosts. I think more people have these experiences than we realise, but like you, don't want people to think they are mad! I do also think some folks are more attuned to this than others. I've also learned (the hard way) that you have to be a bit careful who you open up to about this kind of thing, and mediums. It never occurred to me that people might be disturbed by it, because I'm pretty matter of fact, and an agnostic-bordering-on-atheist, but I had a couple of friends who in hindsight, I can see were freaked out. One was a Christian, the other brought up a strict Catholic but not now practising, and I think they may have associated it all with the occult. But another Christian friends was totally fine.
  3. fairlanegirl

    I just want to go with the flow

    They do indeed, it's not that my entire existence revolves around the kids, at all. (Not sure if that's what you meant, sorry if it's not) Having a fancy man + children is rather nice 🙂 and we may cohabit before the youngest is out the door, but for various reasons , am happy with status quo at the moment.
  4. fairlanegirl

    I just want to go with the flow

    I very much understand this. I have been with a new partner for seven years and we still have separate households. He has no children, I have two aged 13 and 9, and he is here about half the week. We have talked of marriage in the future--he has never been married, so it would be nice to do this for him--but to be honest, logistically and emotionally, it won't be for a while. As others have said, when you throw children into the mix...I have a teen that clashes with him, which brings tension, and much as I love him, he can be a real glass-half-empty person (parents from Yorkshire, he can't help it 🙂) at times, and a bit moody, which gets quite wearying mentally to be around. I wasn't used to it with my DH, and fear it might start to get me down if it was all the time. I can really relate to just wanting PEACE and a non-toxic home environment. I think after being widowed, we value calm and things just going along relatively happily. My children enjoying each other's company without fighting, my work going well, seeing friends, these are all so precious too. For his part, time away from my kids, doing his own thing and looking after his dad are good. He has never cohabited with anyone, so I think this suits us both for the moment. The first couple of years he had religious friends asking him when we were getting married, but they seem to have stopped. I think people get into this 'go out with someone-buy house-shack up/marry' mentality (which I very happily did the first time round) as if that's the natural progression, when particularly as we get older, some of us have a more 'if it ain't broke don't fix it' mentality. And in Western societies, we are fortunate to be able to make such choices, because of course in many places, especially for widows, one doesn't have such choices. Klim when you said 'And then when I analyse all this i wonder will this ever be smooth and right.....and I think the answer is yes given time for all involved to evolve. ' that really resonated with me. I can see the BF and I off travelling, living together, doing our various things when the kids have left maybe. Right now, 3 nights a week is perfect. Sounds like you have a nice arrangement, no hurry to spoil it. As long as he knows you love him.
  5. This resonates with me. I used to walk around feeling so buoyant and loved and lucky with my DH; I don't have that same euphoric feeling with my new (well, almost seven years) bloke, but I know we really do love each other, and it feels good in its own, different way. I think death took away my 'lightness' in that respect, but it doesn't mean I love new fellow any less. It's complicated, eh. I guess it helps that I am not prone to overthinking, something I've only really realized since being widowed. Never been a goal-setter in life either, and managed just fine. We all know better than most that life can completely mess up any plans anyway. I understand though that if your personality is different to this, you have to take a different tack. All the best. I'd say, just enjoy. I had been in a few relationships before my husband, so knew what felt right, I guess, and realized this new bloke was in my heart, and I wanted him to stay there. You love him but don't see yourself staying with him? What's missing? Only you know. Be careful not to self-sabotage though.
  6. fairlanegirl

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    Bless him, that has to be a shared custody thing; when you have your children just you, all the time (much as you love them), well, this would drive me (even more) insane!
  7. fairlanegirl

    Holiday question

    I can't help feeling it might be a bit late for 21 and 25 year old blokes starting to bake Christmas cookies...Yes it will be hard for your sons with you having a new partner, but pandering to them by cooking and waiting around for them to call the shots on your Christmas Day also won't help them, or any future partners they may have, who likely will expect grownup behaviour. These guys are adults and can do their own thing. Whatever you decide, have a lovely day.
  8. fairlanegirl

    Holiday question

    Goodness, with all due respect, if they are going to be like that, I wouldn't even make anything for them, and sure as heck wouldn't be 'cleaning up' especially at 21 and 25! I understand you may have a different view/tradition. As Abitlost said, they are adults well and truly, and obviously not interested in Christmas (fair enough), so I'd just leave them to it and go have a lovely time with you new fella. Don't let them dictate your holiday, they are not wee kids that have to be fed by you.
  9. If it is any help, I moved mine to the right hand a few months after and they have stayed there for the last seven years. I am also in a relationship but imagine even if we marry, those rings will stay, I can't see myself ever taking them off and my boyfriend isn't bothered (if he were, I doubt we'd be together TBH). I wouldn't expect people to guess your situation but equally, found they are unlikely to ask about them at all. I think one person ever has in my case, assuming they were new engagement/wedding rings and not really thinking as in the Anglosphere they are usually on the left hand. I guess a lot of women may also wear mother's old rings etc on different hands. Mike is right, there will be a few awkward moments, whatever you do. These days if someone asked what my husband did I could say, 'Not much, he's dead!' but early on, it would have been like being stabbed. My husband also died in an accident, at 43, though no one else was involved. My heart really goes out to you x
  10. fairlanegirl

    7 years; so short yet so long

    Seven years past in February here and everything you say about sadness and tears resonates. Went to see Bohemian Rhapsody at the weekend and cried through so much of it, would have cried anyway about poor Freddie, but we all know at times like that for us it is more, like the floodgates open. I'm doing it now as I type. I have a good man again but he has not got the best of me, I feel sometimes. Just worn out with being widowed. Eddie - ' I can function but I notice I am not as able to concentrate to my best level. It’s more like a slight fatigue.' is so true.
  11. fairlanegirl

    Rant about the DGI's..... (Don't get it's.....)

    People don't experience loss in the same way though; he may be genuinely befuddled. Going to the cemetery with you - maybe he thought it would help? I don't tell my bloke when I am going, he doesn't ask, I realise that is not possible for everyone. He is perfectly comfortable about my widowed status though. SW you make a good point: those of us further out do tend to be more tolerant, if that's the word, than those raw earlier times. Without knowing any more, I wouldn't write the poor bugger off as a psychopath!
  12. fairlanegirl

    It must be tough...

    I'm with Portside here TBH, at least the lady cared enough to say something, and acknowledge that it is indeed tough, rather than giving her some silly positive thinking message or worse. It was succinct and to the point. 'Tough' can cover a lot of things too, from having a cold, to serious mental health issues to losing your home to losing a loved one to...
  13. fairlanegirl

    Really - forever mail?

    Yes! My insurance company here in NZ does exactly the same - seven years too...What is it with them? They are the only ones who do it. And it's not the 'estate' that is paying the premiums, it's 100% me, for goodness' sake. It also took them years and two requests to remove the written-off bike he was killed on from the bloody policy... On another note though, I still get a mailer addressed to him every few months that I have not contacted, as it is the only other thing that still turns up with his name on it, and not 'estate' obviously. We all know how evidence of their existence seems to slowly be erased, so I am still happy to get these, though I never open them. Strange how we go (or at least I went) from being stabbed in the heart each time it happens, to glad for it.
  14. fairlanegirl


    Not sure why you need an excuse not to go out with someone? You are obviously not keen on him, let the both of you waste no more of each other's time!
  15. fairlanegirl

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Rubbish, it's dishonest. Whether women do it or not is irrelevant, straw man there. Thankfully I didn't have to step into the online minefield...

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