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fairlanegirl

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  1. fairlanegirl

    A widow for 12 day now

    I rarely come on this part of the forum, it's too hard, but will just to say, I am 9 years out now, and it never gets 'easy' but it does get manageable, and you will build a new life, slowly. You will smile, and laugh, and maybe even love again. (Which sounds like some awful meme, but it's true). There is something about the finality of being widowed that forces you, eventually, to keep going, putting one foot in front of the other through the horror. Coming on the previous forum to this and reading posts from people further along was a great support for me. Don't be surprised if you look back one day and realise you were a little deranged at times. You will also be grateful to those who helped, even if it's a blur now. They will be like gold. Nothing can stop the hurt, but as you go along and stand on your own feet again, you realise how great it was to have practical help, and a routine to hang your life off, distraction. Oh, and a sense of humour at times. Take care.
  2. Nine years on and I have been to a couple of funerals of people my age or younger and found myself on the 'other side' so to speak. You also realise how many people you must have encountered yourself in the same situation (widowed) over the years without even realising. Now I find "There's nothing to say" or "It's just horrible" my best, really. The (harsh but realistic) reality is, when it is someone you don't know, or know well, it doesn't affect you emotionally that much, so you will just be polite, I guess. The anger will indeed ease. For one thing, it just gets too tiring. Looking back, fortunately I hardly had any inappropriate remarks made to me, though my in-laws did. And also looking back, I was probably half-deranged for the best part of a year. That's what folks don't expect, I think. Not the devastation and sadness, but that horror and madness.
  3. fairlanegirl

    Other Single Moms

    Kiwis are a pretty reserved lot with regard to personal remarks so in almost nine years I've only had this kind of thing once - ironically from a Canadian ! I think I was so taken aback I said nothing. I have though found a difference between people who call themselves solo parents when it fact they have say week-about custody (which I'm sure brings its own issues, but no, you are not a solo parent) and those who are logistically the same as me, if not for the same reason - because the child's father buggered off and is not on the scene at all. These women (haven't come across men but of course they are out there, just not in my circle) have become good friends, or even closer friends, as for purely practical, if not emotional or financial purposes, we are similar, and some of them have also been a great source of support and general life hacks around being a single parent.
  4. fairlanegirl

    Engaged

    I remember you from the early days, on the other board, Mrs Dan. That is lovely news, all the very best.
  5. fairlanegirl

    Marriage after widowhood

    Sorry to hear you are having a hard time Rob. Won;t send prayers as I'm not a believer but very best wishes. You've been here even longer than me and as Tybec said, always have something thoughtful to contribute. Good on you for recognizing that you need to take a break. So many people talk about relationships being hard work, and I know everyone is different, and we shouldn't give up when the going gets a bit tough, but when you've had one that was so easy, you know it doesn't have to be a slog. My bloke said the same as PaulZ's girlfriend, I guess some of us widowed folks were spoiled with our 'norm'.
  6. fairlanegirl

    Have you ever been called out?

    Surely the devil in the detail here - it really depends on what's going on and how much people really know about the situation? As in, there is a difference between criticizing someone's parenting because the kids have untidy rooms, just as an example, and mum or dad collapsing in a booze- or drug-addled heap every night and neglecting them? I guess if you are thinking of making a comment, it must be pretty obviously bad?
  7. RAM, don't beat yourself up. When my bloke and I do text, we reply to each other, and fairly promptly. I would definitely want an explanation otherwise. And seeing each other once a week anyway would be too little for me most of the time too. At the risk of being crude, well you know, it'd be frustrating, for one thing! My guy is usually here most of weekend and one night in week. The rest of the time I'm happy enough to do my own thing, with the odd phone call. TBH I have two kids here including a 14-year-old, and things can get pretty tense/awful between him and her, so wouldn't want to be living together right now. I guess the peace and just being able to cope by myself with the kids is enough the rest of the time.Feeling secure in the knowledge he loves me helps even when he isn't here. Re going away and not being in contact, I've always been a 'no news is good news' kind of person. Or rather was, until my husband was killed in an accident. Now if I travel, I will text on arrival, at my boyfriend's request, as he is a worrier. So I guess that is my long-winded way of saying, wanting to see your fella more is not necessarily 'insecure'. Wanting responses to texts is not needy, it's normal. I don't know how long you've been going out with this guy, but mine is a long-standing relationship of several years so I feel secure enough to ask for what I need: I know it's harder at the beginning when you don't always know how to talk to each other about things.
  8. Shows we are all different - I've been happily with a fellow for seven years now who I love but don't live with, and we can go 2-3 days without contact. I pretty much know when he will turn up and we know we love each other: we just don't need to be in contact every single day.
  9. Not saying it will help, or there are any parallels to your situation, but go see Gloria Bell with Julianne Moore that just came out, remake of a Chilean film.
  10. fairlanegirl

    There's hope for me yet....

    Ooh, not so sure about that: in this part of the world up to a couple of decades ago 'confirmed bachelor' used to be the code for 'gay chap' 🙂
  11. fairlanegirl

    A widow’s TED talk about moving forward

    Thank you for sharing that, she had some good points and expressed them well.
  12. fairlanegirl

    Last name change

    That is lovely. You were ahead of your time 🙂
  13. fairlanegirl

    Last name change

    One of those 'same planet different worlds' discussions - with the greatest respect it's very hard for me to understand why anyone would change their name at all, let alone because the bloke really wanted them to - why doesn't he change his?! I've never understood this, even as a child. It seems a huge controlling red flag to me, if a woman is reluctant. Some idiots say (not to my face, here in NZ keeping your name is v common and I doubt with me they'd dare) 'Well it is a 'man's name' - your father's - haha' type of thing - to which I would reply well, 1) It had been my name too for 31 years, and 2) I have three brothers - bet no one has ever said 'Ooh but it's your father's name' to them! Different strokes for different folks....
  14. fairlanegirl

    MAINTAINING FRIENDSHIPS

    You can do it gently. I remember saying to a couple of people, 'Um. maybe I'm not really the right person to vent about that to?' If they still don't get it, well, that's another story. Eight years out, I probably wouldn't bother unless someone really annoyed me. I never moaned about my husband though, and fortunately my friends and family don't really moan about their spouses and exes.
  15. No you are not nuts. And yes you picked the right group of people! I don't feel my husband around, but a few months after he died in 2011 I was just checking emails in my home office and heard really distinctive breathing. I wasn't meditating or anything. It was very strange. But was it in my head? No idea. It has never happened since. I think of myself as an open-minded sceptic, and since opening up to a couple of people about this kind of thing, I have heard similar, or verifiable stories of precognition, ghosts. I think more people have these experiences than we realise, but like you, don't want people to think they are mad! I do also think some folks are more attuned to this than others. I've also learned (the hard way) that you have to be a bit careful who you open up to about this kind of thing, and mediums. It never occurred to me that people might be disturbed by it, because I'm pretty matter of fact, and an agnostic-bordering-on-atheist, but I had a couple of friends who in hindsight, I can see were freaked out. One was a Christian, the other brought up a strict Catholic but not now practising, and I think they may have associated it all with the occult. But another Christian friends was totally fine.


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