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  1. This resonates with me. I used to walk around feeling so buoyant and loved and lucky with my DH; I don't have that same euphoric feeling with my new (well, almost seven years) bloke, but I know we really do love each other, and it feels good in its own, different way. I think death took away my 'lightness' in that respect, but it doesn't mean I love new fellow any less. It's complicated, eh. I guess it helps that I am not prone to overthinking, something I've only really realized since being widowed. Never been a goal-setter in life either, and managed just fine. We all know better than most that life can completely mess up any plans anyway. I understand though that if your personality is different to this, you have to take a different tack. All the best. I'd say, just enjoy. I had been in a few relationships before my husband, so knew what felt right, I guess, and realized this new bloke was in my heart, and I wanted him to stay there. You love him but don't see yourself staying with him? What's missing? Only you know. Be careful not to self-sabotage though.
  2. fairlanegirl

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    Bless him, that has to be a shared custody thing; when you have your children just you, all the time (much as you love them), well, this would drive me (even more) insane!
  3. fairlanegirl

    Holiday question

    I can't help feeling it might be a bit late for 21 and 25 year old blokes starting to bake Christmas cookies...Yes it will be hard for your sons with you having a new partner, but pandering to them by cooking and waiting around for them to call the shots on your Christmas Day also won't help them, or any future partners they may have, who likely will expect grownup behaviour. These guys are adults and can do their own thing. Whatever you decide, have a lovely day.
  4. fairlanegirl

    Holiday question

    Goodness, with all due respect, if they are going to be like that, I wouldn't even make anything for them, and sure as heck wouldn't be 'cleaning up' especially at 21 and 25! I understand you may have a different view/tradition. As Abitlost said, they are adults well and truly, and obviously not interested in Christmas (fair enough), so I'd just leave them to it and go have a lovely time with you new fella. Don't let them dictate your holiday, they are not wee kids that have to be fed by you.
  5. If it is any help, I moved mine to the right hand a few months after and they have stayed there for the last seven years. I am also in a relationship but imagine even if we marry, those rings will stay, I can't see myself ever taking them off and my boyfriend isn't bothered (if he were, I doubt we'd be together TBH). I wouldn't expect people to guess your situation but equally, found they are unlikely to ask about them at all. I think one person ever has in my case, assuming they were new engagement/wedding rings and not really thinking as in the Anglosphere they are usually on the left hand. I guess a lot of women may also wear mother's old rings etc on different hands. Mike is right, there will be a few awkward moments, whatever you do. These days if someone asked what my husband did I could say, 'Not much, he's dead!' but early on, it would have been like being stabbed. My husband also died in an accident, at 43, though no one else was involved. My heart really goes out to you x
  6. fairlanegirl

    7 years; so short yet so long

    Seven years past in February here and everything you say about sadness and tears resonates. Went to see Bohemian Rhapsody at the weekend and cried through so much of it, would have cried anyway about poor Freddie, but we all know at times like that for us it is more, like the floodgates open. I'm doing it now as I type. I have a good man again but he has not got the best of me, I feel sometimes. Just worn out with being widowed. Eddie - ' I can function but I notice I am not as able to concentrate to my best level. It’s more like a slight fatigue.' is so true.
  7. fairlanegirl

    Rant about the DGI's..... (Don't get it's.....)

    People don't experience loss in the same way though; he may be genuinely befuddled. Going to the cemetery with you - maybe he thought it would help? I don't tell my bloke when I am going, he doesn't ask, I realise that is not possible for everyone. He is perfectly comfortable about my widowed status though. SW you make a good point: those of us further out do tend to be more tolerant, if that's the word, than those raw earlier times. Without knowing any more, I wouldn't write the poor bugger off as a psychopath!
  8. fairlanegirl

    It must be tough...

    I'm with Portside here TBH, at least the lady cared enough to say something, and acknowledge that it is indeed tough, rather than giving her some silly positive thinking message or worse. It was succinct and to the point. 'Tough' can cover a lot of things too, from having a cold, to serious mental health issues to losing your home to losing a loved one to...
  9. fairlanegirl

    Really - forever mail?

    Yes! My insurance company here in NZ does exactly the same - seven years too...What is it with them? They are the only ones who do it. And it's not the 'estate' that is paying the premiums, it's 100% me, for goodness' sake. It also took them years and two requests to remove the written-off bike he was killed on from the bloody policy... On another note though, I still get a mailer addressed to him every few months that I have not contacted, as it is the only other thing that still turns up with his name on it, and not 'estate' obviously. We all know how evidence of their existence seems to slowly be erased, so I am still happy to get these, though I never open them. Strange how we go (or at least I went) from being stabbed in the heart each time it happens, to glad for it.
  10. fairlanegirl


    Not sure why you need an excuse not to go out with someone? You are obviously not keen on him, let the both of you waste no more of each other's time!
  11. fairlanegirl

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Rubbish, it's dishonest. Whether women do it or not is irrelevant, straw man there. Thankfully I didn't have to step into the online minefield...
  12. fairlanegirl

    Temporary solo parents

    I'd counter that PEOPLE can be thoughtless, ain't no male monopoly on that! You're doing well not to respond - I suspect even after seven years I would, gently of course...
  13. fairlanegirl

    a widow dating a new widower - help!

    I didn't mean 'dating' two people at once - sorry if it came across that way - that has not been a 'thing' here either until recently perhaps, more of a US thing (I'm in NZ)? I used to watch American telly and when they talked about 'seeing other people' and 'going exclusive' always wondered how that worked - does one just shag a few at a time until deciding?! Things cut to the chase physically pretty quickly in this part of the world so that's what it sounds like, not snogging and going to the movies :-) Anyway I digress badly - I just meant that to me, you and this other lady seem to be kind of served up on a plate for him to pick from, without a lot of agency on your part, like you're all waiting gratefully for this bloke to choose. I guess in my book, someone is either really into you and only you, or not: if not, I wouldn't bother.
  14. fairlanegirl

    a widow dating a new widower - help!

    Thanks for the further explanation Shelly I'd still run a mile, agree with what others have said about what he has said, goodness. Pretty shitty way to treat the other woman too, frankly, unless maybe she knows and his happy with that? Is that a cultural thing? With all due respect, are you just there to be 'chosen'?
  15. fairlanegirl

    a widow dating a new widower - help!

    He 'couldn't make up his mind'?! 'From his class'?! Must be nice to have these two women dangling, bloody 'ell, as we say in this part of the world, what a guy! And considering getting engaged to someone he doesn't even really care about, so his kids can have an instant replacement mother, gosh that's magnanimous of him, does she know? I'm not sure where you are in the world shelly, but and if this is a usual sort of thing, but 'Run, Forrest, run!' would be my advice. It's unlikely this will end well. This gentleman likely needs some time to himself. By 'quickly' it is possible too his wife didn't mean quite that quickly...

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