fairlanegirl

Said it before and I'll say it again - Truly, Madly, Deeply - a bit out there, but Juliet Stevenson crying's was the most messily realistic I had ever seen. And Alan Rickman was, as always, wonderful.

Nola I know nothing of you but your post, but 12 years on, one night a week, with teens, following what you refer to as an abusive marriage, and widowhood? Your mum is overreacting. As has been said, she probably had a narrative about how all your lives would be, and you've upset it. A kind talk in order as also mentioned? I was an old slapper with two young children who had a bloke staying here a couple of nights a week only a year on, not always easy times, but very good now, and we love each other and have been together eight years. I still love my husband too. Good luck with your new love, it's always a gamble, but hope it works out.

We started lockdown here last week for at least four weeks, my bloke of several years is with his father who is in his 80s and has emphysema, so it is best, while I am here with my kids. Fortunately I still have work at home. Also to be honest, the four of us stuck in one place for a month would get a bit tetchy...he is better off, having lost his job, to be at home with his stuff, projects etc. We talk on the phone every day, not that there is much to report! At this stage, I'm OK with it too. Been through far worse, like us all, and the kids are pretty good. I suspect he misses us more than we miss him, much as I / we love him. And sometimes, I've learned, that's not such a bad thing.

Hi, rather not give my name, no bad reason but where I live is a pretty small place so prefer to keep some privacy! My husband died at 43 in an accident back in 2011, a few days before a devastating quake hit my town. It was like the Four Horsemen of the Feckin' Apocalypse had all turned up at once. Now Pestilence has made an appearance (fortunately Famine is unlikely to soon, as the supermarkets are still open!) and my country, surreally, goes into Covid-19 lockdown for at least a month in just under half an hour. I have two daughters now aged 11 and 14, and a new relationship of some years. I still have days when I can't believe my lovely husband is not here, but we have come a long way. It has been hard work but thanks to good friends and family and love and sheer bloody-mindedness, we are doing OK. That my youngest does not remember her Daddy, and my oldest barely does, breaks my heart. And the pain for my in-laws, who are such lovely people. Julie, your post resonated especially with me, and Maureen, you have always been a wonderful presence. I joined YWBB soon after my husband was killed and used to read it all the time; bizarrely, the social posts especially. I think I wanted to be reassured that there was a life beyond the hell I was experiencing. My heart really, really goes out to newer widows and widowers compelled to self-isolate or in national or local lockdowns. I just want to give you all the world's biggest hug. If this had been 7 or 8 years ago, let alone nine, I would be absolutely beside myself, devastated at being stuck at home like this. I know for some folks it is the opposite and hibernating is soothing, but I needed a lot of distraction and human interaction. As it is the prospect of isolation doesn't thrill me, but I know I'm strong enough to make it work now. Virgo, I'm impressed you're all excited about that, apparently DIY stores here too were inundated with customers! I work from home so juggling kids too, but intending to make as much time for them as I can.

I rarely come on this part of the forum, it's too hard, but will just to say, I am 9 years out now, and it never gets 'easy' but it does get manageable, and you will build a new life, slowly. You will smile, and laugh, and maybe even love again. (Which sounds like some awful meme, but it's true). There is something about the finality of being widowed that forces you, eventually, to keep going, putting one foot in front of the other through the horror. Coming on the previous forum to this and reading posts from people further along was a great support for me. Don't be surprised if you look back one day and realise you were a little deranged at times. You will also be grateful to those who helped, even if it's a blur now. They will be like gold. Nothing can stop the hurt, but as you go along and stand on your own feet again, you realise how great it was to have practical help, and a routine to hang your life off, distraction. Oh, and a sense of humour at times. Take care.

Nine years on and I have been to a couple of funerals of people my age or younger and found myself on the 'other side' so to speak. You also realise how many people you must have encountered yourself in the same situation (widowed) over the years without even realising. Now I find "There's nothing to say" or "It's just horrible" my best, really. The (harsh but realistic) reality is, when it is someone you don't know, or know well, it doesn't affect you emotionally that much, so you will just be polite, I guess. The anger will indeed ease. For one thing, it just gets too tiring. Looking back, fortunately I hardly had any inappropriate remarks made to me, though my in-laws did. And also looking back, I was probably half-deranged for the best part of a year. That's what folks don't expect, I think. Not the devastation and sadness, but that horror and madness.

Kiwis are a pretty reserved lot with regard to personal remarks so in almost nine years I've only had this kind of thing once - ironically from a Canadian ! I think I was so taken aback I said nothing. I have though found a difference between people who call themselves solo parents when it fact they have say week-about custody (which I'm sure brings its own issues, but no, you are not a solo parent) and those who are logistically the same as me, if not for the same reason - because the child's father buggered off and is not on the scene at all. These women (haven't come across men but of course they are out there, just not in my circle) have become good friends, or even closer friends, as for purely practical, if not emotional or financial purposes, we are similar, and some of them have also been a great source of support and general life hacks around being a single parent.

I remember you from the early days, on the other board, Mrs Dan. That is lovely news, all the very best.

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time Rob. Won;t send prayers as I'm not a believer but very best wishes. You've been here even longer than me and as Tybec said, always have something thoughtful to contribute. Good on you for recognizing that you need to take a break. So many people talk about relationships being hard work, and I know everyone is different, and we shouldn't give up when the going gets a bit tough, but when you've had one that was so easy, you know it doesn't have to be a slog. My bloke said the same as PaulZ's girlfriend, I guess some of us widowed folks were spoiled with our 'norm'.

Surely the devil in the detail here - it really depends on what's going on and how much people really know about the situation? As in, there is a difference between criticizing someone's parenting because the kids have untidy rooms, just as an example, and mum or dad collapsing in a booze- or drug-addled heap every night and neglecting them? I guess if you are thinking of making a comment, it must be pretty obviously bad?

RAM, don't beat yourself up. When my bloke and I do text, we reply to each other, and fairly promptly. I would definitely want an explanation otherwise. And seeing each other once a week anyway would be too little for me most of the time too. At the risk of being crude, well you know, it'd be frustrating, for one thing! My guy is usually here most of weekend and one night in week. The rest of the time I'm happy enough to do my own thing, with the odd phone call. TBH I have two kids here including a 14-year-old, and things can get pretty tense/awful between him and her, so wouldn't want to be living together right now. I guess the peace and just being able to cope by myself with the kids is enough the rest of the time.Feeling secure in the knowledge he loves me helps even when he isn't here. Re going away and not being in contact, I've always been a 'no news is good news' kind of person. Or rather was, until my husband was killed in an accident. Now if I travel, I will text on arrival, at my boyfriend's request, as he is a worrier. So I guess that is my long-winded way of saying, wanting to see your fella more is not necessarily 'insecure'. Wanting responses to texts is not needy, it's normal. I don't know how long you've been going out with this guy, but mine is a long-standing relationship of several years so I feel secure enough to ask for what I need: I know it's harder at the beginning when you don't always know how to talk to each other about things.

Shows we are all different - I've been happily with a fellow for seven years now who I love but don't live with, and we can go 2-3 days without contact. I pretty much know when he will turn up and we know we love each other: we just don't need to be in contact every single day.

Not saying it will help, or there are any parallels to your situation, but go see Gloria Bell with Julianne Moore that just came out, remake of a Chilean film.

Ooh, not so sure about that: in this part of the world up to a couple of decades ago 'confirmed bachelor' used to be the code for 'gay chap' 🙂

Thank you for sharing that, she had some good points and expressed them well.