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  • Date Widowed
    September 1, 2012
  • Cause of death
    AML (MDS dx 15 months prior)

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  1. twin_mom


    I won't tell you not to feel guilty, it's what you're feeling and therefore valid. I will tell you my husband had MDS (meleodysplastic syndrome). I told his doctor in late January something was wrong - both the doctor and DH told me no. February comes, his back pain is worse, ortho can't figure out what's wrong, PT isn't helping. By the end of the month he's rarely getting out of bed. By end of March, pain had spread to his hip and knee, he's completely bed ridden, doctor still says MDS wouldn't cause this, but send the MRI the ortho had done as it will give him a look at how his bone marrow is doing. April 16 he sends the CD to the doctor. I come home from work that day, he's in tears - no, he hasn't heard from the doctor, but he spent all day trying and he can't orgasm anymore, "I think something's wrong with me" Are you f****** kidding me?!! The fact that you haven't gotten out of bed in over a month, you've lost over 20 pounds, you're alternating opioids every 3 hours but still can't get the pain under control and you sleep all the time but you didn't think anything was wrong with you but when you can't get off is your hint that something must be wrong? I couldn't even. About an hour later that evening the doctor himself did call, he looked at the MRI, there's what looks like leukemia tumors in his knee and we need to be at the hospital by 7 a.m. the next morning for an unscheduled bone marrow biopsy. by the end of the week we find out he has full-blown leukemia and he's in the hospital to start chemotherapy and 104 days later they send them home to me to die because while they got rid of the leukemia his bone marrow never recovers and he's unable to make blood any longer and he has secondary infections which is preventing him from going to bone marrow transplant and there's nothing left they can do. The day he came home from the hospital in August all I could think was in January I told them something was wrong. If we had discovered the leukemia in January maybe he'd still be here. unlike you I was there listing all the symptoms. For months. It didn't matter. So maybe if you had been there they would have found the sepsis earlier. But maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they would have said he had the flu and done a flu test. we'll never know what might have happened; at the end of the day we're both left to live the rest of our lives without our loves. You didn't pick an essay over him. A horrible situation happened and you've been left to make sense of the senseless and pick up the pieces.
  2. twin_mom

    Stuck Again

    Getting stuck seems to come in waves for me, even after six years. Be kind to yourself, grieving is exhausting work that continues in the background of your life for a really long time. One thing I have found that helps me get unstuck is to indulge what I call "my grief monster".... I try to really listen to myself, find what's consuming my thoughts, and then give it all my attention... Another thing is prioritize the to-do list and try to get one thing a week done.
  3. twin_mom

    No will

    My husband has been gone for 6.5 years and I still haven't done all the paperwork - for example his name is still on a car, i never closed one of his accounts (long story)- you don't have to do it all at once. Give yourself time and space when you need it.
  4. twin_mom

    Wish I could die today

    Don't apologize for the negativity!! It is where you are right now - and this is the one place you can be totally honest about where you are. What happened to the life you had completely sucks - it's totally unfair that our lives were shredded while others get to continue merrily on their chosen paths.
  5. twin_mom

    Wish I could die today

    It's heart wrenching to read your words, Bubu.... i remember feeling like that for so long. Then one day on this board I read someone's signature that said something like "I can't have his legacy be that his death destroyed me" (sorry to the owner of this signature for mutilating it!). Those words really hit home for me and were the turning point of me merely existing to making steps to rebuild myself. I hope that at some point you too have something click for you... because you deserve every happiness. We all do.
  6. twin_mom

    Sad Loss Of WifeLess

    My heart breaks for you Bluebird.
  7. twin_mom

    Anticipatory Grieving

    Silverfish- anything you are feeling with the loss of your love is okay, there is no "normal" contrary to what society tells us. For me, finally being able to miss him was at war with being relieved that the journey of watching him decline into a person I barely recognized.
  8. twin_mom

    Two things can be true at once

    My NG is like yours. My MIL came to stay with us for Christmas, we brought her to Christmas Eve mass with us and had to walk through the columbarium where DH is; though he died 6 years ago she had never been and she said "Warren is here". NG was pushing her wheelchair and said "yes he is, I'm going to bring you right to him before we go in". I miss DH every day, but God I love NG.
  9. twin_mom

    Stuck and still fall apart this time of year

    I hear you. I'm 6 years out. I have recoupled- but I'm so afraid of going through that devastation again I can't get married. I'm past the worst of the ptsd- but I have no idea what will happen when the twins graduate in 2 years and go off to college....
  10. twin_mom

    A holiday ramble...

    Maureen, I always enjoy your rambles.
  11. twin_mom

    Triggers in public places

    I think most of us with children will tell you that the quickest thing to bring us to tears is thinking about all the things out kids miss out on now that they have only one living parent. It's not self pity, it's grieving for the future that you thought they -and you - would have. And it sucks when it pops up unexpectedly.
  12. twin_mom


    It's 6 years today for me. And while I am in a serious relationship, I too can't find something that catches my interest, ignites that fire. I was actually talking to NG about this last week - that I didn't know if it was an early midlife crisis (I just turned 44),a widow thing, or just a regular funk that people go though. I didn't come up with the cause, but we decided I needed to try to find a new hobby or spend some time with forgotten ones...i may look into belly dancing classes as they're something I've wanted to try but never made the time for. You're not crazy, just at a crossroad. I think pick a direction and see how it goes...
  13. twin_mom

    I miss being loved

    This - the greatest gift my husband have me was unconditional love. But it's also the worst because now I know what that feels like and I don't want to settle for anything less.
  14. There was a baby and he was beautiful. 💗

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    September 1, 2012
  • Cause of death
    AML (MDS dx 15 months prior)

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