beth_krkswidow

I think it broke me.  I really do.  I don't think I can come back.  It's over 5 months and it is no better.  I don't know how to go on.  I certainly don't want to go on.  I'm just broken. 

I was fortunate in that I got to lie with my husband's body for hours. If you had told me prior that I would lie with and cuddle with, a dead body, I'd have said you were nuts. But I did, and I am so thankful for those many hours. I lay with him,  I hugged him, I smacked him, I told him how much I loved him, I yelled at him for leaving me, etc. etc. It was insanely surreal, but I am thankful for that time.

Hugs to you

I'm so sorry.  Hugs

5 months and I absolutely have no reason to go on. Not helpful,  but I agree. I hate this life. What's the use in going on?

5 months. I can't imagine taking them off,  but that's me. Someone in one of my Grief Groups  took hers off immediately and had a new ring made from hers and his. I wear his on a chain. Everyone is different. Follow your heart,  it led you to him.

Warm, not war..sorry

Hugs to you

At 5 months, I still feel exactly as you do

Just stuck, not caring about anything,  wishing I could crawl in the ground with hi

So sorry,  and war hugs

Thank you, Maureen and Seagirl.  Thank you.

You know, I used to be a great Prayer Warrior.  Now, I can barely pray.  I try.  I just can't do it.  If someone had asked me prior to my husband's death how I would survive were he to die, I would have said, "It would be horrible, but my faith would carry me through."  Sooo not true.  The only thing my faith is doing is keeping me from driving off a cliff.  I just can't find it or feel it or act on it anymore.

Thank you again for your encouraging words.  I am glad I found this and actually joined. 

Hi Bill,

I'm brand new here.  But your sentence, "I'm also not prepared for the inadequacy of other peoples understanding." resonated loud and clear.

I am so sorry.  So sorry we're all here.

I can't imagine the holidays.  He passed away 2 days before our 28th anniversary, so that day was ... just kind of a blur.  I had to make the funeral arrangements on our anniversary and I was just not really aware of anything going on. So that "first" kind of didn't register as a "first".  But looking to the holidays... there's Thanksgiving then my birthday then Christmas then his birthday.  So I am dreading the whole season.  Can't imagine a birthday without him.  Mine or his.

Thank you so much, MrsK and Maureen.  Thanks especially for the hugs.

I guess I am taking it a moment at a time.  I am just so sick of people telling me I have got to be better by now.  Really, you must feel somewhat better!  Uh, no, I do not. 

One of my Grief Groups is only for "young" widows.  You must be under 65 and you must be widowed.  That is the best one.  The ones for anyone grieving, as you said, Maureen, are just not the same.  They don't understand.

I just don't understand how you go from where I am to actually wanting to live again, or actually looking forward to something.  I am dreading the holidays and pretty much just want to crawl in a hole.  Any little pain I have I hope is something serious.  Pain in the head? Hey!  Maybe it's an aneurysm!  You can't say this to your normal average person because they then argue with you and tell you that you have SO much to live for.  Uh... no.  No, I do not.  I have nothing go live for.  Absolutely nothing.  I love my pets, but they would be just fine with someone else. 

Sorry, and thanks for listening and for your kind responses.

I am new here.  I am at 5 months and 2 days.  People think I should be "better."  I am not.  I am no better than the unspeakable moment my life ended when my husband died 2 days before our 28th wedding anniversary.  I do not want to go on.  We were never able to have children.  So many widows in my Grief Groups (I go to 3) say, "If it weren't for my kids...".  I don't have kids.  And I have absolutely no reason to live.  I do not want to go on.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I wake up each morning and think, Oh :expletive: I'm still here.  I can't imagine living another month, let alone a year, a decade, multiple decades.  My life ended when he died.  He was my life.  He was my soul mate.  And I was his.  I do not know how to go on.  I just don't.