beth_krkswidow

cassandra,

 

That's the spirit! (Or lack thereof.) Nice job. Thank you for your contribution.

 

--- WifeLess

Nope, can't do any of it.  Especially cards... and sign just my name?  Can't do it.

I'm so sorry Angel.  So very sorry.  I don't have children, so I can't pretend to understand that part.  Is there any place you can go to scream and cry where they wouldn't hear you?  I know it is necessary.  I cry all the time and when I'm in the car I pretty much cry and scream all the time.  I physically feel better afterwards.  Mentally, not so much.  But it is a necessary part... and at almost 7 months, I am still crying all the time. 

Empty.  Yes.  That is a perfect description.

So sorry.

Hugs probably won't help, but I'm sending them to you anyway,

Beth

Thank you, MB. 

We are dog people and have 2 huge dogs; but a few years ago, a cat showed up and we, dyed in the wool dog people who would never own a cat, now have 2 huge dogs and one cat.  Anyway, I was scooping the cat litter today, and thought, we need more cat litter in here.  The brand new container is out in the garage.  I'll have to ask him to bring it in for me....

Yes, I understand what you are saying.  I know with every ounce of my being that he is gone, as you said, but I still can't believe he is never ever ever coming back.  That just absolutely does not compute.  Someone said it's our brain protecting us from the reality, which is too horrible to bear as of yet.

Virtual hugs back at you; and thanks so much

I joined a few months ago, but never officially "introduced" myself here.  Mostly because I feel like I may be an illegal stowaway.  I have searched and searched to try and find a place where it specifies the criteria for "young widow" forum.  I feel like a "young" widow, but you all may not agree.  I meet with a "Young Widow" Grief Group.  Their criterion is under 65.  I fall well within that range.  When I joined I was 58; have had a birthday so am now 59.  I hope you will accept me anyway.

Christmas will be 7 months.  I have gotten no better.  People do not believe that.  You MUST be better.  Oh, really?  Must I?  Jump into my skin.  The Love of My Life, My Raison d'etre, My Honey, is gone.  Gone.  They don't get it.  He's not an old pair of jeans that I threw out.  He was my Whole Self.  Not my better half. He was my whole self.  I wrote a blog on our 28th anniversary, which was 2 days after his death.  It was written on a Christian blogging site to which we both belong.  If you are interested, it is here:

https://www.christianblog.com/blog/blest/sleep-peacefully-my-love/

He was in the hospital but he was supposed to come home the NEXT DAY.  I didn't go see him his last day alive, because I had a migraine.  The hour and a half drive to the hospital just seemed like too much with a migraine.  And he told me not to come.  He didn't sound right on the phone.  I kept calling his nurse and telling her he didn't sound right.  She kept telling me his vitals were fine.  And he was coming home the next day.  He is FINE. 

And at 2 am I got The Phone Call. 

I am so mad at myself for not going.  At the nurse for not listening to me.  At the hospital for not getting into his room until his heartbeat was so low they couldn't bring him back...

At almost 7 months, I still cannot believe he is gone and never coming back.

I am so very thankful for this site and for the members here who don't argue with me when I say I'm doing horribly.  "oh, no, you're doing much better.  You look great!".  Aarrgghh. 

Anyway, a belated introduction and thanks for being here.

People just don't understand.  I have quoted these to people, and they just say, "Oh, that's so sad".  Uh, have you MET me?  Sad isn't even the tip of the iceberg!  You want me to be JOLLY?!  REally?!

... hanging on, dragging myself through... everyone says how tough the holidays will be but DAMN it's like I'm standing still and the whole world is just buzzing right along. The stillness, the quiet, where did everybody go?  I know they are in holiday mode, I know they feel badly, I know they don't know what to say, I didn't expect them to stop living as I have, but it's like a whole other level of hurt on top of the deepest, most cutting sadness and pain that I'll ever know. And I just can't reach out to them. I don't want to pull them back into sadness with me.  I'm angry about it all... mostly just mad that he's still dead.

Ecactly.

I  feel like a plagiarizer. I want to quote everyone here. 

..mostly just mad that he's still dead. Yup

I have that feeling in your chest where it feels like a hole but at the same time you just want to rip and dig at the pain.  I want the feeling gone. I am so tired of this life.  I'm exhausted and everyone loves pointing out how tired I look, like everyday, seriously.  This is just how I look people! I am exhausted every minute of every day.

Exactly,  every word.

And Cooper is a sweetie!

We'll just skip the holidays and meet back here in January

Christmas Day will be 7 months.  I agree.  I could have written those same words. It is NOT better and everyone thinks I am or should be better.  It ticks me off tjay they thimk I could "get over " the amputation of my reason for living.

I would love to enclose a few of these in my Christmas cards in response to all the "my life is perfect" cards I get every year, but I don't think it would go over well. I can hear it now in fact: "Wow, she is still has so much grief anger... It's not healthy... She really should be moving on by now.... and yadda yadda yadda..."  ;D

Amen.

LOVE Love Love these songs... thanks for posting!

Exactly.  Exactly

Certainly not helpful, but you're describing me exactly

I want the T-Shirt. ..

"I survived Widowhood.  What's your superpower? "

.... or just lie there for awhile...

Hugs

And I join in the tears.

Beautiful,  just beautiful

Ditto  ditto  ditto, to every response written.

Bless you. WArm hugs.

Dean,

What you wrote perfectly describes it.

No purpose left,. Surgery ...

At almost 7 months, nothing has changed.

Hugs

He always drove, especially in bad conditions.  It took me 2.5 hours to get home last night in ice. This morning it was supposed to be warmer, above freezing, but it wasn't.  I could probably have made it to work, but chose not to drive. He would have known if it was ok to drive  (I live way out in the country ), and he would have either driven me or told me to stay home.  Now I've spent all day second guessing my decision, cuz I don't get paid if I don't work

And I'm in mid-USA. 

I don't know how people have survived this.  I really don't.

Oh, MR, I am so sorry.  All "important" dates hold no importance anymore... I dread them.  Can't imagine Christmas without him.  Can't imagine today without him, or tomorrow...

Thank you.  I do not think I have "progressed" at all.  I am past the 6 month mark, but as far as I'm concerned, it happened yesterday. 

Dear Adventureland.  I am so sorry.  I am so sorry.

I send you hugs.

You will do this; you will obsess about it.  It won't change anything, but you will do it over and over and over again.  Accept that it is normal.  We all do it, no matter what the circumstance.  It's just something we widows do.  I am so sorry.

Hugs,

Beth

Umm, yes. Agreed . UN. be.lievable

Oh, that was in response to @MrsDan way back on page 1

@julester.  Just got the bill for the headstone, and it was set the day after my birthday; what is it about our birthdays and headstones?  I was there the following day but had not been there for 5 days so did not know which day it had been placed.

@Ursula,  I love that

It's your finger and your ring. I are free to do what feels right for you and only you. I hope you find a way that feels right.

 

I wore my wedding ring in its true place for two and a half years.  This summer I bought myself a ring which I wear on the wedding ring finger. Sometimes I wear my wedding ring. I got married and was not asked to unmarry. If ever there is anyone else who gives me a ring, it's got to go on another finger.  I've got ten. This one was meant for Alex. Maybe that will change, who knows. I have never believed in dogma.