beth_krkswidow

Hugs, angelk. I  know, hugs don't help. Nothing helps. But it is good knowing others know exactly.

So many times, I think, there is no possible way to survive this. I have no desire to survive this, but somehow I do.

Hugs

Hmmm.... greeting card companies should take note.  Pretty sure morbid humor would be quite lucrative.  I wanted to put a black balloon on my Honey's tombstone on his birthday,  but didn't find one. Cuz, you know it was NOT  a Happy Birthday.  People I told that to, thought I was horrible.

About a month after my wife died I ran into a woman who I used to work with at the grocery store. When I told her what happened, she said "Well she had been sick for awhile anyways." And she ended the conversation by saying "I hope the rest of your summer goes better." People can suck sometimes.

Soryas, you're much more benevolent than I am ... I would take out the "can" and the "sometimes."

KJS,  Holy crap.  Unbelievable.  So so sorry.  Really, I wish we all had our own state or something that only we could inhabit.

Wow, sojourner, that's terrible.  Unbelievable. At least my family cares.  My phone, which I hardly ever carry at work because, well, why?  He was the only one who called all the time.  I can go days and days with  no alerts on my phone.  But for some reason I had my phone in my pocket at work on his birthday and it vibrated.  It thought, What the?  Who the would be texting me now?  Well, it was my sister and the text just said, "sending love and special prayers today.".  So my family does care. I am so very thankful for that.  I am so sorry that your husband's family is.. was... wow.  I just can't put it into words.  ... 'a family member'.   

hugs to all of you

So sorry, Kryptic.  My parents in law both pre-deceased my husband. Reading tis and many other posts here, I'm thinking that's a good thing. Not a nice thing to say, but oh well.

All day everyday just want to go be with her

Yup.

I go to bed every night hoping I won't wake up and get up to very morning disappointed to still be alive.

Yup.

Yup. Still do. 7 months and I  just want to be with him. As I've said in Grief Group,  "I won't drive off a cliff,  but if somebody wants to push me off, that's fine with me.

I know this doesn't help. BUt nothing helps.

Just know you're not alone.

Hugs to you

Oh, Leah!  I am so sorry! SO so sorry.

Just hugs, my friend,  so so sorry,

Beth

Ran into an acquaintance today.  Just an acquaintance, not a friend ~ whom I hadn't seen in probably a year.  They did not know that I am a widow so I told them.  They offered condolences and then said, "So, how is everything else?"

Everything ELSE?!  There IS no everything else.  He is all-encompassing; or my grief is all-encompassing.  He is there every moment of the day, no matter what I am doing, He, or the Grief, I guess, hangs over me. The fact that he is dead is omnipresent; it permeates every membrane of my body and every molecule of my brain.  There is never a waking moment that his absence is not felt.  It colors EVERYTHING. 

It's exactly like the old "joke" Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

People are just clueless, I guess.... Everything ELSE?  Oh, Everything ELSE is just GREAT!

Have I mentioned lately that I hate people? 

I keep telling myself that he's worth the pain.  If the love hadn't been so great, the pain wouldn't be so unbearable.  I still do not know how people survive this.

So sorry, Jack.

So sorry

what people say does amaze me

the worst one I got was at my nieces baby shower so not really someone I knew well

she came up to me and said

"Sorry about your husband but this was the best thing that could have happened to you because you look great "    wtf

so I just assume that people walk away saying to themselves ...why the hell did I just say that !

Unfortunately,  I  disagree.  I think they walk away, patting themselves on the back, thinking, "what a nice thing I just said!'

2 people, yes 2, said "I wish it had been my husband instead of yours.  We don't even like each other"  The second time I did respond " I wish it had been yours too" 

 

Previously very close friend "You'll be married again in a few months"  Umm, I didn't marry Grant until I was 47.  First for both of us.  5 years later I still haven't dated.

 

Grant fell from a tree while hunting.  Man at work said to my co-workers "He probably jumped just to get away from her" 

BTW, this is a man who, when he was very ill, I took food up to ICU for his family 3-4 times, took snuggly blankets, etc.

When our boss scheduled a meeting with him, he quit.

 

Ask me again why I don't like people?

I'm speechless.  And I  agree - I hate people. I used to be such a nice person...

On my Shit List:

 

1. ADT rep...may need to eat my fist for breakfast

2. Storage Unit Jackass...swift kick to his bird eggs delivered by my square toed boots.

3. Anyone else??

 

I couldn't believe their temerity to say such things to you. Grrrr....

 

Baylee

I can't believe you had the restraint to use the word temerity! 

Perfect

I don't understand why I can't wrap my head around this.  I just can't.  He can't really be gone.  Why am I still such a mess?  Nothing is right.  Home is not home, as you said.  Nothing is right.  I hate this; I hate this.  I breathe.  I put one foot in front of the other.  I am not living.  Just existing

You sound exactly like me. I'm at 7 and a half months. When I just don't think I can take another minute, I tell myself he's worth the pain. If the love hadn't been so great, the pain wouldn't be so bad.

Hugs

hunh! You may very well have hit the nail on the head! I used to be an avid reader - read War and Peace  last year.  I  was 20 pages from the end of some spy paperback when I went to bed, 2 hours before The Phone Call.

That paperback is still in my nightstand, untouched since that night.

I just can't get back into reading, or anything else for that matter.

So sorry for your loss. Sometimes this place is a godsend, a lifeline, one gulp of air before going under again. So, sorry you are here, but here is a good place to be in the hell that is widowhood. Warm hugs

I am so sorry,  kbeamish, that you are here with us. SO sorry. Sending warm hugs your way

I didn't think it would be easy, but his birthday today was horrible.  BAd bad bad bad day. I can't stop crying.  Sat by his grave in the rain. Much worse than Christmas.  AS LeahRoot said in a recent post,  my brain knows he's not coming back but my heart can't accept that. I hate this, I hate this life without him and I hate everybody telling me how strong I am and how well I'm doing.

And it annoys me that 4 people called me to comfort me, knowing it would be a bad day.....but not one of them mentioned his name once. THey all called because it was his birthday, but no one said his name.

I got to talk with my husband's primary care doctor and all I could do was break down and cry. I wish I could hold myself together. This is so hard. When does the pain ever end?! 10 months in and I feel like I'm losing my mind!!! I look at pictures of his face and it tears me down. My mind has registered that he is never coming back but my heart, it can't except it.

 

I just want this all to go away! I don't wanna do this anymore. I want my husband! He will be, all I ever want.

Exactly.  WOrd for word.

Hugs. Just hugs

Hi Libster,  Welcome, and so sorry that you are now one of us.  I don't really have any words of advice, as everyone's path is different; and no path is right or wrong.  I'm thinking that perhaps your Widow Brain is not allowing you yet to process the magnitude of your grief, plus you having to put all the energy into your boys.  You have come to the right place, that is all I know for sure.  One step at a time..