66etype

I have recently passed my 3rd year. I feel a little unusual in that I was loved very well by Michael. I grieved him hard for over 2 years and then things seemed to lighten up. Right now I feel the most confident, beautiful and have the most self worth than I ever have. I feel like Michael is cheering me on from the sidelines... it's a very odd place to be and wonder if anyone else has felt like this. I'm happy, sassy and feeling pretty good right now and I'm not sure why. I'm still alone and it's o.k. Life is so fucking weird. All replies are encouraged! Tracy

SB... maybe it's just not the right fucking thing.. You sound so different than him. I don't think it would work even if you didn't have children. Just my opinion. I know you're from a small town. He's out there somewhere! Tracy

I live in the Seattle area.. I looked hard for peeps in my area.. if I saw them come on board I would send them a message. My first message went out to Mimi.. not sure what her alternate ID was..anyway. we met.. it what was soothing in a way. Then Flohog came on board.. I got hold of her. Then the 3 of went out.. now we are very interconnected on FB and I know how their lives are going. I love these 2 women beyond belief....This board is such a wonderful thing!!!

After Michael died the number one statement I hated was "you will never be the same"... Why won't I be the same Tracy?? What are you talking about. I tried so hard to hold onto the one thing I had control of...me. Tomorrow is 3 years for me.. I have now learned I am not the same. Empathy is much more an emotion I have now than ever. It's taken me a while to understand that the underlying Tracy is still here... I have changed in some very subtle and signifiant ways. So now I have embraced the changes..I want to change some things about me pre Michael.. I'm all in. Let's be different. With that I have my check list. I have been checking off the changes... What do you do??? I will embrace my new thought process and be the best Tracy I have ever been. Michael is proud of me. I know while he was here on earth he knew I could achieve these things.. now he get's to watch me be my best. It wouldn't have happened without the terrible jolt of his death. xoxo Love you all. Tracy

I'm almost through my 4th week at the gym with a personal trainer. I now look forward to going to the gym at 5:15 am. I've only lost a couple of pounds, yet people I haven't seen in the last couple of weeks ask me how much I've lost. Things must be firming up and reshaping!!! My pants fit most awesomely now!! Some how I scheduled myself for a personal trainer twice today... once this morning and again tonight. I'm all in! I'm doing a double header today!! Wooohooooo...... I feel pretty damn good right now! Good job to everyone else as well. Getting to the point that you look forward to a workout, is tough work! Tracy

Hi, I'm Tracy and I was 66etype on YWBB. My user name is my husbands favorite car... and I'm pretty sure it was a thread killer in the past. I lost Michael 6 months after a diagnosis of poorly differentiated kidney cancer. There wasn't much that could be done. He struggled, suffered and held his head high. Next Friday 4/3/15 marks the 3rd year he has been gone. I have learned a lot about myself and others through this roller coaster ride. I know that I am a good person, some of my "friends" only liked me when I was happy and at my best... grief fucks that all up! I now only have a couple of pre death friends and many more post death friends. My first 2 years were very difficult.. sometime around 2.5 years life got easier. I flirt, have fun and enjoy life much more than I have in the last 3 years. Still not much focus on the future... not sure that will ever come back. My heart breaks when I read the posts from newbies... what an awful time in life.. then the first year ended and it didn't get brighter.. it just changed but was still blue. I can only hope that things get better as I get older and live through this awful situation. Big hugs to all of us... this all sucks! Tracy

This is a great article... it has many good mantras! http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/01/25-powerful-mantras-for-not-giving-a-fck-adult-language/ Tracy

Michael was diagnosed with a very aggressive renal cancer late November 2011... there was no rallying on his part. It was straight fucking downhill. He died 6 months later. Watching him die was painful and emotional. I am almost at my 3 year mark and am quite surprised by my blueness... I have been quite sad and it has surprised me. Fuck cancer!!!! Hugs to all of you who lived through this awful scourge! Tracy