KrypticKat

Just wondering. Has anyone else experienced having half the family hate them and half like them? I feel like I'm navigating this weird dance now. I've officially cut off the mother side and his brothers as per my above posts. However the father's side is more like my husband. They have been kind and respectful. It's why I haven't really brought the issue up to anyone on that side. I don't want to create divisions. Now with my MIL storming out of that picnic the cat is out of the bag. I do worry about losing them. I also know with time we will probably drift. I also don't want more drama if spending time with them means that because of the trying relatives. Why is nothing ever simple?

That blows. Sending you hugs.

You are so right. The message could not be more clear now. Amazingly yesterday I actually got an opportunity to talk one of his family members who bless her soul wants to get it to the point where we can be in the same room. She doesn't know the whole situation but I appreciate that she just doesn't want there to be this discord. Our conversation was an opportunity for me to provide my point of view. I wasn't petty, I didn't attack, but I did stand up for myself and I refuse to be painted the villain. The bottom line is it seems like these particular immediate family feel I didn't grieve in a way they would have liked. I didn't make it about them and therefore it was a personal attack. It still blows my mind. All I know now is I could have done somersaults and backflips and I don't think it would have made a difference. I just unfriended the whole lot of them. It's honestly a little bit liberating. I'm sure that time this will be one of the best decisions I've ever made. It just took me awhile to reach this point. I needed to feel like there was no guilt or responsibility left on me and that I'd given everything a shot in respect for my husband. There honestly is nothing left and I will not feel bad. I will keep my chin up and I will move forward and I think my husband will be proud of me for doing that.

I suppose that is one reason I can cut them off and others atruggle because my husband and I never got to have children. We were just starting out together. I have our cat which sadly my MIL seems more concerned with how he is doing than me. He's doing well FYI. All your messages give me some reassurance that this is probably the right step. My life involving them is over. I need to take forward the good and leave the bad. Honoring my husband and his memory is the former...they are the later. Some of his extended family are still great and I want to keep in touch. Still not sure what that will look like but I guess time will tell. It's weird how I still have this tugging feeling that I'm Supposed to stay in touch with the immediate family but really I think that's just me remembering my husband and wanting to respect him and those from his life. Thank you all for your support. Kk

This is so against my nature. I would honestly rather keep a neutral open relationship but I just can't do it anymore. I moved past the hurtful actions of my in-laws during the early stages of our grieving. I didn't fight for the insurance money even though we were in the process of turning over the beneficiary names. I paid the debts, the funeral... I returned personal items early on so they could connect to him. I vented to friends but was always polite and respectful despite their behaviour. I never tried to get people on my side. I just wanted peace. I gave a portion of his ashes to allow them to intern them how they needed. And all it got me was glares, abandonment, gossiping and them trying to erase my value from my husband's life. I stopped texting my brother in law's to see if they'd reach out. I haven't heard anything in 7 months. I still went to family functions and my mother in law stormed out of the last one upon seeing me and made the sons leave with her. I also just found out they got a bursary made in his name. No where in it does it mention he was married. It does mention many other people. I'm happy there is a bursary but it hurts a little that I mean so little to them I wouldn't be a part of his story. I think they honestly wish I didn't exist and it hurts. I've tried to leave the door open for us to at least connect and be amicable but my mother in law's pathological dependancy on her boys is toxic and nothing I do makes a difference. She never grieved the loss of her own love and my.husband filled his shoes. And it seems I'm to blame for her pain now. So now I think I need to block them, unfriend them and be done with it. Any contact at this point has only caused pain and shown how little they see me as my husband's wife. I want to hold on to what I have of him and take it forward with me into whatever good life I might be able to have. But this toxic painful connection needs to stop. I don't like doing this but what is left to do? This is hard. I truly believe now even if I gave into every demand I would still be on the outside because letting me in would mean acknowledging what I brought to my husband's life. Feeling low.

Ugh I know @Julester3. That's just aweful. Not that you need to be the center of attention but some balance would be nice. It also drives me nuts that someone can walk through life like a living hurricane just damaging everything around them without remorse for how others might feel and us wids are put under a microscope to make sure we're mourning but not to much and not in a way that is inconvenient for others. Feel free to cry...just not in front of me. Ugh.

Fuck my Mother in Law for being a giant lady child. I've been civil since the beginning and went to a family BBQ tonight. Upon seeing me arrive she promptly made her grown children go home with her even leaving her food behind without saying goodbye to the rest of the family. The family was appalled and I was so sad and embarrassed. I guess when she told me last time we met she hopes the best for me that was bullshit. I'm tired of being the only grown up in this grief filled shit storm!

I'm getting closer to the anniversary. And yet I'm getting further away from the first day. I find I have moments where I actually feel Joy now but I never just feel Joy alone. I will feel sad underneath at the same time. I can feel sadness and I can feel peace. I remember what it was like to just feel happy and ecstatic about life. Back when my husband was still around. Now I'll have moments of Happiness similar to what I had before but there's always this layer. This layer of anxiety. This layer of pain. This layer of sadness. And honestly I'm just tired of it. And I fear I will spend the rest of my life with this layer around me. This complication that will never go away. I don't want to forget my husband. But it doesn't seem fair that I spend the rest of my life feeling broken because of something I couldn't control. An accident I was nowhere near and had no influence on. Everything feels so complicated. Nothing is simple. I am a happy person and I try to feel Joy and I've had so many good days. But there is always this layer. And I worry it will never go away.

It could be they aren't dealing with the loss well themselves or it's just common backwards thinking from people not understanding grief. As if they could inflict more pain on you. And as if they could remind you as though you've forgotten. Like you'd be at the grocery store going 'lets see...eggs, cheese, bread...oh crap my husband is dead. I totally forgot!' You don't forget...ever. that's why it's kinda funny/sad they avoid it to avoid reminding you. My friends and family do the same.

1) I managed to negotiate a better rent with my landlord without help 2) I'm back to full time work and feeling good about it 3) My cat has gotten cuddlier and wakes me up every morning for snuggles

I think everyone situation is a little different but I can tell you that I hadn't see my mother in law since funeral as well. I only saw her and my brother-in-law's last week because one of my husband's uncles died. One that I was quite close to. I think the reality is if you didn't have a very close relationship with them while your husband was alive it's very unlikely that they will become closer to you now that he's passed away. I know the ones I spent the most time with and cared for still keep in touch with me but it's also hard for them to see me as I'm a painful reminder of the person that is gone. But I still keep in touch with those that truly care. Over time I've learned not to take it personally that my mother-in-law and brother-in-law's treat me kind of like angry high school girls and just throw me shade the handful of times I've actually seen them. It's hard because it's another loss but just try to surround yourself with the people that do love you and care about you and can help you through this journey. Sending you hugs. Kk

I know from reading other people's posts that I'm not the only person who has had a strained relationship with their mother in law since their husband passed away. I won't bore you with the details but I have prided myself on the fact that I have been as respectful as I could possibly be despite the strain that there has been between us. Over time it became very clear that the two of us were not going to be able to have a strong intimate relationship going forward. To be truthful, I hadn't seen my mother-in-law in person since the day of the funeral which was a true Gong Show to say the least. Today I had to face or for the first time in 10 and a half months. Sadly one of my husband's uncles passed away suddenly. A man who had been very kind to me even after my husband died and still treated me like I was part of the family. His wife felt the same way was adamant that I be there for the celebration of life. It was terrifying walking into that place and see my mother-in-law. She wouldn't even look at me at first and my husband's brothers and niece also were very cold and wouldn't really talk to me. I wasn't all that surprised. They had to stand by their mother even if her anger was in some ways not justified. It's all perspective. It's still hurt all the same because this is my husband's family. My mother-in-law finally cornered me at one point and simply said to me 'I hope you have a good life and I really mean it'. I wished her the same. It went better than I thought it would but it still wasn't fun. It was great to see the family I cared for and knew cared for me but sitting close to people that hate you for being you is remenicant of highschool. None of this is fun. What I wouldn't do for my husband to stand next to me and hold my hand and reassure me everything's going to be okay. Sometimes you don't get what you want. 😢

His coffee is out! I ran up to it like a kid getting the latest hottest toy at the store. It was such a confusing moment. I was so happy and giddy while also insanely anxious and sad. Thought I was gonna unravel into a pile standing there holding it in the middle of the shop. But it's beautiful and I know he'd be proud of it and honored I got a coffee named after him.

Hello Mona, I'm so sorry you have to be here with is but I'm glad you have found this safe space. The change in relationships is probably one of the hardest parts of this. You've already lost so much and it's just salt in the wound honestly. I've really been surprised by who's been able to step up and who's had to step back. Some people just aren't good at the hard stuff in life and I try really hard not to judge them but it still hurts when these people have been such an intimate part of your life for so long. Sometimes you have to be honest and communicate to others what you need but early on that's almost impossible. I think we have people come and go from our lives as our lives change and this particular situation is really startling cuz it's so much change at once so we see this transition so much more clearly. It's not easy and some people may step back into your life and some relationships may be changed forever. You may actually make some new friendships and bonds that you never thought were possible. Cherish the friend who has stepped up at this point. They sound awesome. Use this place as another support. It's great. Thinking of you. Kk.

As you go along you're journey you start to identify those you can be open with and those you can't. And I think that's a good thing. You're right that most people just can't get it. I honestly wouldn't want them to because I wouldn't wish this level of 'enlightenment' on my worst enemy. It sucks. I have learned to tell the difference between those that don't truly care and are filling their own needs (trying to look good, morbid curiosity etc) and well meaning people that just don't get it. I keep the second camp close and try to be patient. It's hard not to want to burn all the bridges sometimes because this is such a rip off. I hope at the very least you get the comfort and support you need from this forum and your therapist. Kk

Small victories are all you can ask for early on Mac. Have no expectations and be gentle with yourself. Thinking of you.

I was talking to my mother about getting life insurance to cover my new mortgage for the house I just bought on my own. She asked 'who are you buying it for'. Cause I'm gonna die alone now so fuck protecting my investments right?

Just found this great artist on the east coast of Canada named Christine Campbell. Her new album is a great grief soundtrack. I particularly love the songs Butterfly and Nobody Cares. Worth a listen.

I'm on day 5 of my week long trip on the east coast alone and I'm okay. I booked it so long ago. I thought it would be a chance to show myself I really can stand on my own two feet. About 1 week before I started getting scared. What if I break down in grief? What if the loneliness is unbearable? But it hasn't been. Sure I've had my crying fits. I've been doing a lot of hiking on the coast and turns out trees are great therapist for a rambling widow such as myself. I've eaten dinner alone with a good book. I've chatted with strangers. I've seen lots of beautiful sites. And I wear his wedding ring on my right hand and carry his day pack everywhere I go. Its like he's right along side me as I go. It was scary but I'm glad I did this.

Yep. Same car. Right down to the color. Only seen it once and had to walk away because I had flashes of seeing my husband inside of it. I'm starting to think she's more clueless than anything...and possibly a little self involved. She's one of my longest standing friends so it really blows she'd let me down when it really counts. And now it feels like she's hoping I'll alleviate her guilt by going 'all good!'

Weird...my post is gone. Huh. Well rather than rewrite it I'll say I appreciate all of your perspectives. The challenge with this friend is she was my maid of honor. And in the first 6 months I heard from her twice. 3 months in she bought the exact same car my husband died in. At 4 months she decided to bring him up at one of the few get together I'd managed to pull myself out to. She always seems to try and do the heart to heart in public where I have to use my all not to break down. Suddenly she's back and wanting to tag in but I'm also ambivalent about it. And now she's really being pushy. It's frustrating.

Fuck those people telling me I'm grieving wrong. If I wanna jog till my legs hurt and drink kale smoothies to feel physically good I will. If I wanna lay in bed and watch Netflix and eat chocolate to feel numb I will. Fuck you for thinking you know how I'm supposed to do this.

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Another good show tune is For Good from wicked. I know it's two sister friends singing about their relationship but I resonate with it because my husband changed me with his love and being a part of my life. <3

Hey Monique. I feel for you. The only thing I can say is that in the early days it does get worse before it gets better. Mainly because you go from numb shock to feeling the reality of your situation. I imagine at 3 months that's likely where you are at with things. I don't know if it helps but what you are feeling is pretty normal. We are all here if you need support. XO KK