KrypticKat

Take pictures and catalogue all things that will legally belong to you one probate passes. Maybe have someone you trust around as often as possible. Not sure what else you can do. Sending hugs. Kk

All awesome songs. Going to have to add these to my playlist.

I learned from a very wise widow there are 4 things needed to process grief: community (support), story telling (talking about it), sound and movement. I find music is great for those tough moments. Sometimes it's songs about loss, frustration or songs that remind me of him. What songs do you find helpful? For me some I like are: Good Grief- Bastille Son of a Bitch- Nathaniel and the Night Sweats I'm Gonna Love You- Meghan Trainor Whose Gonna Kiss You When I'm Gone- John Legend Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd Fix You- The Off Spring

Everyone grieves differently and we can all act like banana heads at times due to loss but there is NEVER a valid reason to become violent towards another person no matter how much you are grieving. That line about protecting him is bullshit. Protecting him from his own actions is not your responsibility. It's like justifying a man hitting his wife because he's a good person. He chose violence. Violence is not okay and there are should be just consequences. Maybe this grieving boy needs to recognize his dad would be probavly be disgusted his son would attack the woman he loves. Don't meet him alone. Stay safe. Kk

One of the types of people I've found I commonly have to deal with through this process are what I've lovingly refer to as The Vultures. They are just like the bird. Ugly, annoying garbage feeders that circle you to pick at the remains they feel entitled to. There are the information vultures. An example of this for me was the local news showing up days after my husband died trying to get 'the story' on my husband. Looking for a puff piece to feed their viewers. Not considering maybe hey it's none of your damned business. Then there are the emotional vultures. People who think they should get a front row seat to my pain. They judge me for not crying when they think I should. They try to 'bond' like they can relate because they lost a sister or friend. My grief is my grief. You are not entitled to see it. I will share when I want. Then there are the Things Vultures. Those that feel entitled to money, my husband's stuff...these are usually family I've found. All vultures have one thing in common. A false sense of entitlement. Remember it's your story. It's your feelings and grief. And it's your stuff. Don't let those mangy vultures get you down. Kk

So true Michael. I'm only 9 months out but I agree about time. It won't play as big a roll as how you work through it. Through is the only way. Some will work through quickly others slowly. The important thing is that you are moving through it at your own pace. This site has also helped me so much. And yes, you don't get over it. You just learn how to carry it with you. Kk.

It's a very personal thing. My husband and I had only been married for just under a year before he suddenly passed away. So my Rings were still a very new thing to me and I love them so much. I probably stopped wearing them after about 1 to 2 months. Then oddly enough I started wearing my husband's ring on my right hand. I still wear it and it gives me comfort. Everyone is different though. Some people wear their rings around their neck. Some people don't wear them at all. Some wear them just the way they palways did. I'm actually debating having my wedding rings turned into a cocktail ring similar-looking to the first ring my husband bought me. That way I can wear it and itwill still remind me of the wonderful relationship I had. But I'm a bit like you where when I looked at my rings it caused a lot of pain for me because it was just a reminder that he was gone. Your marriage is so much more than just the rings on your finger but I'm glad that you recognize that. You'll know what's right and when it feels right and don't let anyone tell you otherwise how or when you should wear your rings. Sending you lots of love. KK.

Sending you hugs. None of what you are going through is easy. You have every right to feel how you feel. Theres no need to compare or feel guilty because someone may have it 'worse'. The point is it's hard for you right now in your own life.. Everyone's journey through this sucks. Take small steps and be kind to yourself. Thinking of you.KK

Thank you. I did write that first post. Just my random widow ramblings. I originally tried grief groups to help me on this journey but found it was a bad fit. Being a young widow it's hard to relate with others at times. This place has been so helpful. I read a quote today that really resonated with me: "Closure is a word for people who have never really suffered. There’s no such thing. Just try to “manage” your loss. Put it in perspective. You will always have some regret and doubt about your loss. You may always second guess yourself. If only you had said this, or tried that." I don't let go of the loss. I just learn how to carry it with me.

Those who have not walked this walk just cannot understand. It doesn't end after the funeral. Just because I don't talk about him as much doesn't mean he's not on my mind. He's ALWAYS on my mind. Going through some of his belongings doesn't equal progress. This is not a good way to see how I'm doing. Even though I smile sometimes it does not mean I don't still feel profound sadness. Widows can feel lots of things at the same time. We are pros at this. I am not who I used to be. I cannot be that person anymore. That person was with my husband. I am still me though. I know that's a contradiction. I see the world in a way those who have not lost cannot see. I have never felt stronger because I am surviving. No other challenge will be this hard. I have also never felt weaker because I truly understand you cannot control everything. It is a terrifying truth. I am so glad to have found this place to share. Thank you all of you for understanding. <3 Kat

I took mine off about two months out and started wearing his ring on my right hand. I'm thinking of having my own rings changed to look like the first ring he ever bought me (a cocktail ring on our 4th date). Still not dating and not really comfortable with the idea. I'm at about 9 months.

Fuck the people who tell me their problems then turn around and say they can't deal with my sad issues because they need to focus on the positive. And yes. Fuck those that tell me how well I'm doing. Or I did good at the holiday meal. What standard am I meeting exactly? Do I get a fucking cookie?

Living alone suddenly I'm so aware of the quiet. On the odd occasion if I've had a busy week I embrace it but a lot of the time it just makes me aware of the absence. I turn on music or the tv just for the sound. I used to love quiet. Now it just makes me miss him. Who knew one man provided so much noise in my life.

@bromans I had every possible explanation given. Texting, maybe he had a seizure, he was too stressed from work...God has a plan...God needed him early...grrr. We all make split second decisions when driving. We all make educated assumptions about drivers around us. It just happens that most of us don't get in accidents. But they happen even with good drivers. I think sometimes people forget we drive tonnes of glass and metal at break neck speeds and news flash there is risk with that. People just wanna wrap your tragedy in a nice neat little package because then they don't have to face the reality that the world is random and even good people lose sometimes. This tragedy does not define you or the wonderful person you significant other was. Screw other people's theories.

@Adventureland I understand what you're feeling. My husband died getting hit by a large truck that went through the intersection as he turned left. Two seconds faster or slower and I wouldn't be on this site. I used to play out alternate endings. Like what if I'd called to ask what he wanted for dinner instead of sleeping off my headache. What if I'd hugged him longer that morning before he'd left. What if I'd offered to get the oil changed on his car that day instead of the next so he'd have to car pool. None of these answers change the end result. But you can't help but think about it because your brain always wants a solution to the problem. Only problem is the solution is them coming back and it can't happen. Hugs to you.

This is a cold fact of life but it's an important one. I had to learn that the hard way. My husband and I were only 30 and we were three days away from updating all of our insurance and forms because we were about to get our first house. He died before we could get the Medicals done. So Not only was the house not covered but my brother-in-law actually got my DH old life insurance policy and took all of it without even batting an eye. This left me to pay off all of the debts alone including the funeral (my in-laws were happy to tell me what should happen but offered no support). I have since gone to my lawyer and got a new will drawn up that way there will be no arguments about whether or not my husband's belongings go to anyone else. It also makes it simple where my belongings go. You want to believe it's not going to happen to you, that you've already suffered enough and it seems very cold but you need to get on top of this stuff. The reality is is it can go very wrong very fast when you least expect it. We want to hope for the best and believe people will do the right thing but we really should prepare for the worst as well. Think of it as actually a very loving act that you don't want to burden people with having to fight over What's Left Behind if you actually die suddenly. Your mother likely means we'll. She can't​ understand your pain and I find a lot of people who can't understand where you're coming from ultimately just want to look at things that can be done like a check list. I was honestly still grieving mess when I went through and did all of this stuff but I'm glad I did. Having somebody that you can talk to and vent through the process like a family member or friend to sit with you as you do it can be helpful. It's awful but it's a necessary. The world isn't kind to those that grieve. Sending you hugs.

Fuck insurance companies. Seriously fuck em. Happy to take your money but when shit hits the fan: they bury you in paperwork to see if you break. Fuck em for having every protocol imaginable to drag their rich corporate ass on getting shit done for you.

It's amazing how you can go from feeling nothing to having it all come out. I remember one day having total numbness then a picture of us on the wall caught my eye and it came down like a freight train. I actually fell to my knees and started sobbing uncontrollably. Sometimes I think you're body just doses you with it as you can handle it then shuts down again to give you a break.

Up until this point most of my life has been surrounding this tragedy. Closing up accounts, taking care of lawyers and doctors and slowly just trying to get myself back to work so that I don't have to live in a shoebox. But now I'm reaching a new stage. Things are finally starting to settle , certain things are starting to close and I find myself realizing I don't have much going on for myself. So I started doing little things like redecorating the house or possibly looking at if I want it move. I even catch myself thinking about if I was to ever consider looking for love again what that would look like. But all of these things are usually followed by this horrible racking guilt that I can't seem to let go of. Like I'm betraying or cheating on my husband which when I really think about it is crazy because that implies I have an option to go back to him. God I wish I could go back to him. I love and miss him so much. I do little things in his memory which bring me peace. But doesn't seem fair that as I try to move forward in a healthy manner (because I have to) that my reward is this never-ending guilt. Not really sure how to deal with it. The fact is we never got a chance to have children so it's not like I can focus on making their lives better. I've got a cat and he's doing just fine. So really all I have is me. Just me so I've got to focus on making things better for me. But the guilt. I can't stop with the guilt. Is this normal? Any suggestions?

Cooking was my passion and obsession and one of the things my husband loved about me. For the first few months I lived on milkshakes, takeout sushi and toast. I've recently found cooking enjoyable again. It is hard to cook for yourself but I've found a few tricks: Freezing leftovers for ready made dinners on bad days Inviting people over and making them dinner. It's not the same as my hubby but it beats the company of the cat. Plus it's motivating having your cooking appreciated again. Breakfast is sometimes the hardest mood wise for me. My current fav solution is over night oats: 1/3 cup oats 1/3 cup dairy 1/3 cup Greek yogurt 1tsp cinnamon 1tbsp flax seed 1/4 fruit (frozen or dried- personally I like dates or peaches) 1 pinch of salt Throw it all in a jar in the evening. Shake and put in the fridge overnight. Ready to go breakfast in the morning. Hope this can help someone else.

I know you want to hear from other men but I can tell you it's something women experience too. My husband died suddenly 8 months ago in a car crash. We were just getting our lives started. So many dreams were destroyed. But I didn't deny what was happening. I let myself feel all of the pain and sometimes I felt nothing. Sometime I was so numb I couldn't even remember what my life was before this hell. Like the woman that was married to my husband was someone else and just a story I told people about. Then it would come back again and it hurt like hell. Because all the beautiful things I remembered are now in the past. Weirdly enough since the day he died I have had to rescue two people from near death. The first one was a young guy that had over dosed in his car doing drugs with his girlfriend and I just happened to walk buy. The second was an old man that fell on the sidewalk as I was driving by and cracked his head on the pavement. Both moments were so graphic. The boy was as blue as the sky and the older man had blood pouring out of him. But I can tell you in those moments I felt nothing. I was almost robotic in trying to save them. I suppose I told myself "well I couldn't save my husband but like hell I'm going to let this one die". I function better now but I always tell people I don't feel alive anymore. I used to have this fire and spark in me but that hasn't come back. I honestly wonder if it went with him. I can perform being me like a character in a play but the me everyone remembers has been gone for 8 months. You are not alone.

Let me ask everyone a question. How reponsible do you feel for maintaining the relationships with your in-laws? At first I did make a concerted effort to stay in touch. I would call and text and even send birthday cards. Yet nobody ever really reached out to me unless they wanted something. I couldn't take it anymore being neglected and the fact that I was only being contacted when they wanted something so I stopped. Then I got a phone call four months later and I get chastised for not speaking to them for 4 months. It hardly seems fair. How much effort should you really have to put into relationship that wasn't strong to begin with and clearly there isn't any real concern for your well-being. At times I want to keep at least a certain connection out of love for my husband but there seems to be no good in doing this.

I've been sad but I've also been really angry. It's only been 8 months and I feel myself changing for the better but there is still a lot of work to do. The anger bothers me a lot. I'm angry this happened to a good man. Angry I feel so alone and abandoned. Angry at the awful things people have said or done to me since then. Sometimes I think I've let it go. Then something happens and it all comes flooding back. I'm having a hard time telling apart the true injustices and when I'm just projecting my old issues and letting off steam. I box, talk, play music and exercise to let it out but I seriously worry about this anger. I hate feeling angry. That's not me. How do I REALLY let it go? How can I help myself better recognize when my feelings are justified so I don't get walked on but avoid taking out my deep wounds from this tragedy on the wrong person? Anger just feels toxic.

I've got a contender for just being THE WORST to a widow. My boss called me in about 3 days before Christmas to talk about my continued transition back to full time work. It wasn't great timing to begin with but about half way through the conversation she told me she'd read an article recently on why it's hard to be a young widow around the holidays. She then began to 'educate' me on what she found so interesting about the article (um, yeah, pretty sure I have the expert opinion on why it sucks to be a young widow at Christmas here!). Then she cuts in: "And you know one of the hardest parts is the sexual stuff." Ummm...What? "You know, because you are so young." Oh my god my boss is trying to talk to me about my non existent sex life three days before my first Christmas alone. Shoot me....please shoot me. I was so stunned and didn't want to break down in the room that I tried to change the subject. I tried to say something to the affect of I hope one day I can look forward to the holidays again as I did in years past to which she replied: "Yeah, but back then you had hope". There are no words for this. Needless to say I'm looking for a new job.

I have this over sized teddy bear I've had since University. I originally got it for when I was a Don in a residence hall. Students used to come in and hug it, punch it etc when they needed to get things off their chest. It sat in the corner of my room for years and my husband actually thought it was cute I'd kept it when we started dating. When we moved in together, he used to put the bear in 'compromising' positions on the guest bed to make me laugh. It was our little joke. Taking turns putting the bear in ridiculous poses to make the other smile. I was hoping to give the bear to our first child...but that's not happening now. I've moved the bear into our bedroom and some nights when it's too hard I hug it to sleep. At first it felt juvenile but you know what? It's hard going from nightly cuddles and daily contact to zilch. So yeah...I cuddle a giant bear sometimes. And sometimes I still put it in weird poses. You do what you have to do.