KrypticKat

I think right before bed is the hardest because there are no more daily distractions you can busy yourself with. And when you're at this stage and the shock is wearing off not only can you not keep the thoughts out at night but the pain is just that much more real now. It sucks. Period.

Sorry, but this post might get a little rambly. I've had one of those weeks and need to get it out. Sometimes you feel like you have the strength. Like you can do it and you're making your way through. That you can smile a little, see the good in the universe and maybe...just maybe make your loved one proud that you chose to live out of respect for the love that you shared. Be the person they fell in love with rather than the shell you turned into when you got robbed too soon of the precious connection that you had. Then it all comes back. Or life throws more shit at you than normal and you feel like you are back to week one all over again. Like the shittiest game of Shoots and Ladders ever and you just landed on the big fucking shoot again after having a few good rolls of the dice. WEEEEEEEEEE fuck my life! Then all the tears and the bullshit thinking and anger comes rushing through you like hot lava and it paralyzes you all over again. Part of you is like WTF? Why? I've been working so hard and this is how you reward me brain and universe? Making me do this work all over again? Why me? Why now? And the kicker is the people that helped you early on when you hit a shoot are not so quick to respond anymore. Or they are just confused at how you can be sliding back so far all of a sudden. Like there is something wrong with how you feel. You might even question yourself that maybe there really is something wrong with you. But I got news for you: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. FUCK THEM. FUCK THE SHOOTS AND LADDERS. FUCK how no one is taught how to deal with this shit. We get sheltered in society at an early age from death. The dog goes to the farm. It never just dies. Because we need to be protected from it. Which is really messed up because death isn't one of those things that just happens to some of us. It happens to all of us. And WE here on this site are the unlucky crew that is all too aware of that now. Because we have witnessed it first hand. We have seen how brutal and powerless death makes us and since everyone is so death averse we are left in the dust to deal with it alone. Because how can you understand having someone you've been connected at the soul with suddenly ripped from your life and what that means unless you've lived it. I mean they can try but no...my husbands death is not like when you lost your cat or your cousin. I'm sure that was sad but it's not the same. No two deaths are. Yes I'm a little messed up now. Yes I backslide sometimes. Yes occasionally I involved white wine in my meltdowns but you know what? This is not a graceful process and if you can't deal with the hot mess I turn into sometimes then just GET OUT! But if you think you can handle my messiness and just accept I'm still me then please just give me a hug, hold my hand and help me back up when I'm done riding down this crappy shoot. ....That felt good to get out.

Fuck my friend for buying the exact same car (make, model, number or doors and color) as my husband's car 3 months after he died in a car crash. Now everytime I look at it I see my sweet husband dead inside like the car crash pictures. And she wonders why I avoid driving with her. Why are some people so freaking ignorant?

That sounds lovely @Julester3. You must have been so touched.

When it comes to his family my friend put it best. Your only an in-law until your an outlaw. People do crazy stuff in grief and it's a shame we can't lift each other up and support one another. I do find even people not close to him can be judgy too. Like bank employees and doctors...

My husband was a coffee addict. We plannex on opening a cafe one day. One of the last things he wrote on my kitchen chalkboard was the new name for our cafe. He used to get coffee regularly from this one place and they were so devastated when he passed away they donated a whole bunch of coffee to the funeral so that it wouldn't have to smell like anything but his favorite coffee. I've actually got them to agree to name their next coffee after him. I know he'd be proud. It doesn't bring him back but it brings me joy that he'll be remembered this way. Are you doing anything in your sweethearts honor?

Fuck his family members that accuse me of just giving his stuff away when all I did was return some personal items to them. Would it hurt them to just be thankful they have some of his things to hold onto? Gossipy bitches.

I've had some time to reflect on this but has anyone else felt like they were treated as less important in their husbands lives because they hadn't had a chance have children yet? It was subtle at times and sometimes it felt like it was right at my face: the things people would say or do. That I wasn't as significant in my husband's life because we hadn't been together long enough or didn't have the complete family set yet. Even though legally I had the right to make the decisions on my husband's behalf and we knew each other so intimately. Yet because I was young and we didn't have a family yet I was taken as less important by some. Like my love wasn't as meaningful. Did anyone else experience anything like this?

Sending you all hugs. It's probably the most frustrating thing not feeling in control of your own mind. Like you never know when the grief is going to hijack you. Geminigirl I agree with you that it does get better from the first few months to after 6 months to some extent but I still have days where it seems to come back like it's week one all over again. I miss my husband so much and would do anything to see him one more time but I have accepted that will never happen as much as I hate it. I just wish I didn't have to relive the worst of the pain over and over randomly as the days go on.

I started laughing and crying maniacally in an appointment on the weekend trying to pick out the place where I'm going to put my husband's remains. I started doing this cuz it dawned on me that last year we had just gotten our first property and we were going to pick out new granite to put on the counter tops. It's a new year and I lost the house before the close so my first property will actually be my husband's grave site and I get to pick out the granite for the stone. Life is kind of messed up. :'(

My little guy Watson is only two. I was never really a cat person but my husband loved them. He's a bit odd (the cat). He loves to play in the tub and likes to bring me pens. I remember being angry at first after DH died. 'You left me with this stupid cat that doesn't even like to cuddle'. But now I've learned to appreciate my weird furball. He keeps me busy and is always entertaining. He doesn't know it but he helped me get through some of the worst moments of my life.

@Robunknown I feel for you. It's bad enough you've lost so much but now you have people coming into your life picking away at at like a bunch of vultures. Things got so bad with my MIL I started having nightmares that they were breaking into my home. Shirley really contact me now and fans interest in my well-being before giving me the grocery list of what else she think she deserves. I've learned over time to stand up to this politely and tell her I'm not ready to go through these things but it's a little ridiculous how they feel like they can come in like your having a f****** garage sale. There is no shame in protecting your home. I've learned your gut on these things is often telling you to do it for a reason.

Kjs1989 It's terrible right? I remember early on balling on the phone to my father telling him I was afraid everyone else would abandon me because I was crying too much and his advice was that it is tiring for people to see me sad all the time and if they can't enjoy themselves around me once in a while they will push away. Because they don't have that pain and they don't want to experience it. It was brutal and I'm still bothers me he said it. Only shitty people will abandon you or people that cant handle the new you. But there is a certain sad truth to his aweful words. Many people are selfish that way...

I think a lot of people struggle with widow humor. We just have a much clearer understanding of death and yeah it's dark. We spend so much time in pain if we don't laugh and let some of that energy out we might explode.

Fuck the people that say they are thinking of you and then scatter like roaches the moment you show some vulnerability. I'm not fucking Meryl Streep and I'm not getting any awards for Best performance for being normal in front of you.

I just passed 6 months. I had a friend that suggested I needed a break away and took me on a low key vacation for a week. The day we left just happened to coincide with the accident. I ended up making a right fool of myself and drinking too much that night and crying but my friend was kind and patient, she figured I was bound to have a bad night. I've been good about dealing with the pain in healthy ways for the most part but none of us are perfect all the time through this process. After that night I was able to enjoy myself for the most part. I found other vacationers irksome at times because they'd ask questions like of I had kids or if I was married but it's not their fault. They can't fathom there are people that are my age that aren't on the 'typical' life track. I did have a panic attack the night we were to go home because I realized 'oh right, I have to go back to that sad mess at home.' It's not a progressive improvement. It's up down forward back and anywhere in between. I think you just get better at handling the randomness of it over time.

Our first wedding anniversary was 3 weeks after the funeral. We had plans booked and my sister had to cancel them and make it all disappear. I also had to accept I couldn't keep our first house we were supposed to close on the following month. And the organ donation society delivered a letter to my house on our anniversary to let me know where all of his organs went. Needless to say I was a hot mess that day but also pretty numb. I ended up going to the place we got married and sitting by the water and talking to him. I have a feeling the second anniversary will be worse since the fog is now lifting. But you do what feels right. There is no rule on how you recognize your day with your husband. Afterall it was a day for the two of you so you're really the only one left with a say in it.

Thank Maureen, It's what makes it all so frustrating. She'll ask for things in one breath then when I say I'm not ready she replies I know, I couldn't touch my own husband's things for a year after he passed away. She's experienced this kind of loss herself but seems to lack empathy. It confuses me, makes me angry and worse I feel super guilty that I might be hurting her during her own grieving because I'm not prepared to handle it yet. But I can't just let her push me around. She really doesn't seem to care how I feel deep down.

I can relate to crazy demanding MIL. She made me cut a lock of his hair while he was on life support after the accident. I wish she'd just taken it while I was out of the room. She tried to change our shared netflix password between the time of the death and visitation (which we paid for). Then she stole his memorabilia I brought to the visitation to set out (we all brought stuff) while I was crying in the corner. She scooped up all the flowers she felt were hers after the funeral without asking and finally tried to go behind my back to take his ashes from the funeral home two days after the funeral before I was prepared to deal with them. She told the funeral home director she knew him longer so she should get them. She only calls and fakes concern before providing me a list of what else she wants now. Most of its just things and in the end don't matter but it hurts so much when someone picks away at your life like a buzzard.

Hey Jess @JP, I remember all too well that feeling at 2 months. I know it's hard to believe but you will have happiness again and feel like yourself. I wouldn't say I am happy but I have had moments. Moments where the person I used to be comes back. It comes with guilt because it feels like I'm leaving him behind. It also makes me happy because who I was was who my husband loved and if I can keep her alive then it would make him happy. I remind myself I have to try because he always used to say it broke his heart seeing his mom never moving forward after his dad died. He wanted her to have a life and find happiness. Knowing how much he loved me I know he'd want the same for me. It's a lot of work, it's a lonely journey and it sucks big time. I have lots of days where I look for the cliff but I give myself points everyday I choose not to jump. I'm glad I found this site and I'm glad you found it too. @Adley, Thank you for the encouragement. You're right. What do they really know. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. They can't even imagine being in this situation so how can they have any real input?

This is my first time posting in a group I wish I didn't have to be a part of but I am here and I'm hoping it will help me heal on my journey. My husband died in a car accident coming home from work just under 6 months ago. He was in my life for 4 years to the day and we just got married in 2015. He was my lover, my best friend...I really lucked out. We fell 3 weeks short of our first anniversary. My life went from a wonderful adventure to a horrific nightmare and I have spent the last 5-6 months just trying to sift through it. I'm only 30 and feel like an alien now. So few people can relate to the young widow who didn't even get to start her family. To boot, I have a MIL who lost her husband when she was young and did not work through her grief well the first time. Now it seems to have compounded the issue and sadly I've become a target for her grief and anger. She works hard to try and get the family to dislike me because I have refused to give in to her every request anymore (though I do regret how much I let her push me around the first few months). I work hard to take care of myself and seek help. I still try to think of others needs even though it take everything not to run off a cliff sometimes. But no matter what I do I'm making someone unhappy with my actions. I'm not giving enough stuff back. I'm fixating on things too much. I'm not getting back to work fast enough. I'm regressing too much. I'm rushing forward too fast. And as I try to figure out if I'm doing the right thing; If I'm acting with integrity and to the best of my abilities being kind to others that are suffering this loss as well, I still feel I am painted as a villain and it sucks. I've lost so much in the past 6 months. My husband, our first house, my immediate inlaws, my hopes and dreams of a family with this man...And now I'm expected to waffle my way back towards a new life without him and there is no handbook to help. That cliff is looking pretty good right about now... :-[