KrypticKat

My perspective 2 years out is people feel so desperate to do something that they say stuff to try and fix the unfixable. That doesn't stop unfortunately. My sweet dad who I have gradually educated on my loss will still slip up when I have down days and tell me to focus on the positive. Well intentioned ignorance. I've had people look lost before and I reassured them there really is nothing they can say. It's just bullshit this happened. Which it is. Breathe for now. You're in early days and tolerance for crappy sayings is low. You will grow back your skin slowly but it will always be annoying. Hugs Kk

Okay here is your laugh of the day folks. I've been seeing this guy and one of his summer jobs is washing windows. We text fairly often during the day. One day he was particularly busy working on a building and he needed to get back to it so he texted: Sorry Hun can't chat now. Going hard on widows. I was busy working so didn't reply right away so it was followed by: NOOOOOOES. I meant windows! OMG I am so sorry! I didn't get the message for another hour for which he was apparently dying the whole time afraid I wasn't messaging him out of anger. I burst out laughing when I saw it. Auto correct can be amazing sometimes. 😂

As a woman in her early 30s I've found this really challenging. I have finally met someone I connect with and we are taking it slow. Well sorta. He's really hot and sometimes I swear I'm two people. We get a hot and heavy and it's great but I'm not ready to go all the way. Some days the next day is a high and somedays I'm an anxious sobby mess after that and feel my loyalty is divided. I wonder if I'll be ever ready to go through with it without imploding.

Hello Jessm1, Let me start by saying I'm so sorry that you have to be here. What you went through is the most painful thing imaginable. And what you witnessed must have been truly traumatizing. What you are feeling is perfectly normal and unfortunately the way people are behaving around you is pretty standard. People that have never walked through what you've been through just won't get it. There's this mentality that we need to look on the bright side because nobody wants to stare pain right in the face but you don't get that option. My husband died in a horrible car accident and I think most people were just terrified when they saw me melting down afterwards because that's not the me they knew. Your friends and family might just be struggling to accept where you're at right now. But you are normal and you have every right to feel dysfunctional and like you're losing it. You are in an amount of pain the can't even be described and that doesn't come with a single tear staring off into the sunset like in the movies. Nobody has a Hollywood death. It comes with screaming on the floor and eating your weight and chocolate and then not eating for days. It comes with feeling like you have absolute clarity and then nothing making sense in a matter of seconds. And the isolation is brutal. But if you work at it over time you will find others that connect with you and will let you be who you need to be. Keep those people close and use this website. It will keep you going. Nothing you are experiencing is easy. Try to breathe and drink water. Do what you can handle and be gentle with yourself. Sending you a hug KK

Totally agree. But it's just wild not being able to even control the positive emotions yet. It's so raw and unrefined this feeling. I never thought the day would come I thought my teenage emotional/romantic years felt less confusing. 🙃

Fuck the insurance company that is making me go get assessed by their own shrink because 1 year and 9 months is apparently long enough for psychotherapy coverage after watching your husband die in a hospital from a violent car accident. How about you reassess my foot up your ass?

It was surprisingly easy at first to go on dates. Mainly because I didn't feel anything so there was no strings attached. I was trying to be normal and just get to know people again so dating didn't really bother me as much as make me laugh how ridiculous the whole process is. But recently I've met someone. I met him through one of my volunteer activities. He's a really nice, charming and funny guy. But he frightens me because I actually feel all of a sudden. He asked me out for a drink and I actually felt my heart race. Something it hadn't done in 2 years. And now I catch myself over analyzing and feeling things like joy and fear and discomfort I haven't felt in a long time. I don't necessarily think this is my next chapter but I'm a little Disturbed with how suddenly I Can Feel Again. It's almost like I had lost my sense of touch for years and then suddenly I've got it back and I don't know how to handle the sensation. Like puberty 2.0. Has anyone else experienced this?

My husband died in a sudden car accident. From that moment it's as if I stepped through a wormhole and I've had to figure out how to live on a new planet. I struggled with challenges from psychotic in-laws, inappropriate advances from work colleagues related to my situation, Financial scares.... Things I'm sure a lot of you can relate to. All through it I've also had to deal with the grief and the anger and the tears and the anxiety. I've come a long way. I feel like I've done the majority of my grieving although moments do come back out of the blue. I find I need to spend more time on honoring and thinking about him instead of suffering in the pain now. But the one feeling I can't seem to shake is the anxiousness. That fear that something bad is inevitably going to happen again. Granted the worst has happened now. However the last couple years have felt like emotional whack-a-mole. Fighting with lawyers, insurance brokers and even those most close to me. I felt like things were finally settling maybe I would start to feel some peace. And then I got into a car accident. And seeing that metal crumple in front of me just brought it all back. I was never in the car with my husband but I'd seen the pictures. My car accident wasn't nearly as violent in fact physically I'm okay. But since it happened a few weeks ago I find myself panicking against my challenges instead of taking the bull by the horns. I feel like if my emotional state was Chutes and Ladders I've just hit a shoot and gone back down the board. It's terribly frustrating because I've dealt with a lot of crap the last couple years and I'm proud of how I've handled everything. I don't want to go backwards. But this minor fender-bender really feels like it has set me back. My confidence has dropped, I'm freaking out more often instead of just taking a deep breath and dealing with it. And I'm convinced people are looking at me like I'm crazy again. You know... Those looks people gave you the first few months like oh you poor broken thing. 😫

I am officially 1 year and 7 months since it all happened. Since my world ended and I really did believe it was over for me. This site was recommended to me by chance by a friend. When things were at their darkest and I thought there was no way anyone could possibly understand what I had been through...this place and all of you were there for me. I have worked very hard over the past year and a half. I have gone to therapy, learned to be gentle with myself and learned it's okay to lean on others. I have taken steps back towards living and have deepened my appreciation for all I have and have had in my life. If I could go back in time and tell myself shortly after this tragedy occurred that I would be where I am now I don't think I could even have convinced myself of it. It's hard to fathom the strength you can muster when the world takes the feet out from under you. It still bugs me when people tell me I'm so strong for surviving this. But I am. It's that or get bitter and my husband taught me so much about appreciating life that it felt like an insult to his memory not to find a way to live again. I haven't needed to write on this site for a while now. I do sometimes still visit to see how others are doing. I wish all of you the inner strength you need to heal. And more than anything I just want to say thank you. Thank you for taking time during your own pain to recognize mine. Thank you for laughing at my rants and cheering me on when I took baby steps even though we have never even stood in the same room together. There are so many beautiful and remarkable people on here. If another person crosses my path that has experienced this cruel loss I know I can guide them to this safe and wonderful site. Thank you to the people who created it and keep it running. And thank you to everyone on here for making this a place of love, healing and support. XO Kryptic

So I'm entering a new stage of my loss where I'm doing stuff for me and not just focusing on the death. I'm making new friends and developing hobbies...it's great! But I still haven't dealt with Facebook yet. According to Facebook I'm still married to my husband. I just recently switched it so only I can see it. I never posted much about what happened on there other than at the anniversary where I just expressed what I was feeling. It still has my married name but I'll be honest that in a lot of places I go by my maiden name again. I know that's a tough one for a lot of widows but I wasn't even married a year and barely got to work the name in. Hell half of my IDs still hadn't been turned over yet. I do still consider myself to have that last name though. But it's a bit of an identity crisis really for me. Because sometimes I feel like I'm lying to myself when I go by that name as if he's still here. Needless to say all the stuff I've ever posted on Facebook now feels very personal. And as I'm making these new connections and making new friends they want to friend me on Facebook. And I'm currently looking at a list of a few new friends I could add and I'm hesitating. I'm hesitating cuz I haven't necessarily told them what happened to me. And I don't necessarily want to tell them because I've learned that it's best to share that information with people I trust because people that don't know you can sometimes be unintentionally cruel. I do like these people and I want to be friends with them but I have this deep-seated paranoia that they're going to start flipping through my Facebook profile to figure out why I have two different names and it feels very invasive. Then again they might not even think twice about it. Facebook just complicated stuff.

To all the new wids. I'm sorry you are here. I'm sorry this is your life now. I wish I could hug you as hard as I can. This sucks and it's not fair. I am 1.5 years out from my own shit storm. I have learned so much. I appreciate so much more. Despite this wisdom I would still trade it all for him. What I did appreciate through all of this is wids on here and around me that helped me through with their advice and support. So I'm hoping I can help too now. To the newly widowed. You will feel like you're going crazy And it will be completely normal. You are not insane. You are surviving insanity. You might feel really sad. You might feel really angry. You might feel both at the same time or you might not feel anything at all. And believe it or not you are completely normal. You will forget to do s*** that you normally do. Basic function will not be normal function for you for a while. And believe it or not you are completely normal. People are going to say stuff to you that makes you feel like you're doing things wrong. People are going to say things that make you feel like you're defective or not healing properly. But believe it or not you're completely normal. You might be one of the widows that chooses to drink kale smoothies and Jog everyday. You might be one of the Widow's that chooses to eat chocolate and binge on Netflix. But believe it or not you are completely normal. Your skin has been ripped off. You are vulnerable and unfortunately some people are going to take advantage of that. But what you need to understand is there is no right way to do this. And you've got to do whatever the hell you need to do to survive. And eventually your skin will grow back and you will learn what works for you. But you gotta put the time in. Whatever your time might be. You have got to put in the crazy. You got to put in the work. But if you give it time and you really try you can come out the other side. And you will still love the person that you were married to. They will be in your heart and you will cherish them. But they will rest in a different place and it is not something that can be truly explained until that place has been rested in yourself. But it's completely normal. And it will be your own individual place for them to rest. And then you will find your life. Whatever that may be but it will be different. It may not be the life you ask for but if you put in the work you can find a way. I know I'm posting in the area that's early days. And maybe you're not ready to hear this stuff. But I figure I heard a lot of stuff I wasn't ready to hear in the first 6 months and yet I know it helped me. So even if this message helps one person I'll be happy... but remember... You are normal. You are a beautiful hurting person that has lost a love and the consequence of that love is this pain. Take the time. Love yourself. And do what works for you. Kk

Oh dear...I hope this won't become a trend. I get sea sick very easily. Lol.

F*** the dipshitz at the bar that think they can just grope women and say awful things and they're just supposed to giggle and twirl their hair and be okay with it. And f*** my so called friends thatthink I should tolerate it and not take it so seriously or I'll never find someone else. Fuck that. If my late husband saw half the s*** these guys were pulling he'd knock their damn teeth out.

I actually met my husband online. It did take time to meet him but I did enjoy the journey. I think I can learn to enjoy dating again. It helps that I have ZERO expectations at this point. Again, I'm really doing it just to get out. I still have some healing to do. I remember doing speed dating before I met my husband. Those were by far some of the worst and most hilarious events I've ever been to. I went with a girlfriend and we had such a good laugh. Unfortunately the selection of people was let's just say 'unique'. I remember this one South Asian guy showed up in a full purple velvet suit and coke bottle glasses. He owned four parrots. I'll never forget that seven minute conversation. Lol.

You are not alone. The more you read on this site you'll see that. Our journeys are all different but we share many themes. How you go through your grief will be unique to you and no matter what remember: It is your normal. There is no right or wrong way to do it. Don't expect much of yourself. Just be gentle, take your time, get the support you need and do the work as it comes. I think feeling nothing is actually perfectly normal. It's part of the initial shock. I felt very similar at first. And then out of the blue the pain would come in like a wave of the most raw gut-wrenching pain that is unimaginable. No rhyme or reason either. And I would cry and break down and wish the world would end. And then go back to feeling nothing. Looking back at it now I think it was my body dosing me with the pain slowly over time. Allowing my brain to take it in bite-size pieces and then giving me a vacation from it so that I could recover for the next round. Because I think in reality if we took it in all at once it would probably kill us. But again, that is my take on my journey. Don't be afraid to reach out on here. It can be comforting to know you are not alone. KK

@Vintage_lover , I'm so sorry that you've had to come and join this Club. Hopefully this website will give you comfort with time and the support that you need. I also lost my husband Suddenly at a very young age. We were newlyweds. I was 30 and he was 31. I'm now about a year-and-a-half out. I'll tell you right now in the beginning I just found self-help books frustrating and I think it was because I just wasn't ready to deal with anything yet. It does take a while for it all to set in when it happens suddenly. Like your brain won't let it totally sink in. I remember going through a lot of books but there was only one that I actually found helpful and read all the way through. It's called seven choices by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. I hope it helps you too. KK

One of the reasons I find this time of year hard is because the holidays are so different now. You build this routine with the person you love and suddenly it's gone and you have to find a new way. I know I'm only in my second year and I'm still finding my way and there's still a lot of anxiety with the change. So sometimes I like to think about the things we used to do. We'd run around like mad making sure we saw all our family around the holidays but Christmas morning was always ours. The two of us were very practical trying to save up money for a house and starting our family. However Christmas morning we went nuts. We'd buy fancy bubbly wine, the most expensive prosciutto we could find and other decadent breakfast foods and we'd make a gourmet breakfast that we joked that only people like the Kardashians would be able to afford. And then we'd watch DieHard, Christmas vacation and home alone in our house coats fat on fancy food. Its Christmas mornings like that that are some of my favorite memories I had with my husband.

While I do think about my husband all the time and relish in the happy memories, I find it easier to fantasize about being romantic with celebrities than my late husband because it could still happen with the celeb and I feel both guilty and depressed about that.

So as part of my process I decided to try online dating. Not in any seriously active sense but I figured I'd make a profile and see what was out there. Maybe just got to the house and talk to people and not feel like a circus freak for a couple hours. I ended up going out on one date and felt absolutely nothing. And the guy was way too invested. And when I politely said I wasn't looking for anything serious he implied that maybe I was afraid of falling in love. Barf. Let me tell you right now I all too much enjoy the idea of love but a single date with a perfect stranger is not going to make me jump at the idea that maybe this is the one again! I know what Real Love Is I had it already. And now I'm getting messages from people that look like Ronald McDonalds pimp and I kid you not a guy who dresses up as Captain Morgan as a profession. So I've got French-fried pimps and alcoholic Pirates to pick from. I know my husband would be laughing at me right now if he saw what I was dealing with.

@kjs1989 , I did find a way to memorialize him. I had a coffee named after him by his favorite coffee roaster. We were working towards opening our own café one day and the last thing he wrote on my chalk board was about our café. Coffee was his obsession. I am by no means in a place where I could open a café right now. Maybe one day. But this was the first step. It's named after him and there's a whole write up online about him and his passion for coffee and life. I even got to take it back to his work and serve it to his workmates. It was such a terrific day and they absolutely loved it. His mother on the other hand was quite back handed when she found out. "Oh how lovely...it would have been nice if his immediate family had known." She posted that on Facebook. I never was told about the scholarship until it was already out so I found this very hypocritical for her to make a comment like that. I also found out through the grapevine that she believed the coffee was pointless and only the scholarship mattered. Like it's a pissing match about who misses him more. No one's grief is allowed to be bigger than hers. The funny thing is I never wanted and or have ever competed with her when it comes to him. I have always felt secure in my love and relationship with my husband. I have only done what he asked in the matter of his death and honored his memory. I walk away without guilt knowing that. Both of our losses are great but you cannot compare them. There is no point to that. I feel sorry she is in such pain. What I won't tolerate though is being bullied at the expense of it.

It's been sitting sealed in an envelope in my filing cabinet for over a year. The detailed report on what happened the day of the accident. I honestly never thought I would read it. Then, during my sorting today I pulled it out. And without a hesitation I put it in the computer and reviewed every single page on the CD. There we photos of the accident. There were detailed descriptions of what happened. I have no idea why I did it. And oddly I'm okay. Maybe it's because I'd already read the witness statements. Maybe it's because the cops already roughly described things too me a month after it happened. There were no pictures of him. I'm worried now this will be like a ticking time bomb and I'll have a nuclear meltdown in a few days after it absorbs. Why did I do that?

@Trying. Funny you should mention smashing glass. But as at gift one night my friends took me to a rage room. If you've never heard of this before it's literally a room where you can put on any music you want,you put on body armor and they give you bats and crowbars and a whole bunch of stuff to smash. Anything from plates to jugs to ugly figurines to computer stuff. I spent a whole hour in there taking my out my wife rage over all the crap that's happened to me and I'm not going to lie it was better than any therapy session, any massage or any night drinking wine in a bathtub with a container of Haagen-Dazs ice cream. What I'm saying is for anyone who's got a lot of pent-up energy and rage from the b******* they've had to deal with I highly recommend it.

@Euf I think you are so right. That's the approach I've taken from the start when this inappropriate behavior began. Just be silent. It was definitely done on purpose. I've heard so from other family. My mother in law had mental health issues prior to my husbands passing and the loss has only amplified things. She doesn't take stock or see other peoples views very often. I recognize they have their own grief and as a result early on I tried to give them things of my husbands that I thought would help them connect. She chose to then run around telling everyone I never loved my husband and that I was giving his things away. Then she followed it up with calling me to ask for more belongings. Then ran around telling everyone I was keeping 'her baby's' belonging from her. I could give my flesh and blood and she would cry out I didn't give her the bone. I know staying silent is probably the best move but I'm sure you can understand why there is this little voice in my head crying out 'this isn't right!". I will have to find other ways to honor the memory of my husband and the whole of his life. I'm sure you can understand why it would be hard to see his life remembered with a big gaping hole in it. He has a lovely group of friends that adored him and a wife that would do anything for him and yet you'd never know in that memorial.

I'll try to keep it short. My in-laws had a scholarship made out in my husband's name. It briefly describes his life and towards the bottom mentions his close bond with this mother, brothers and niece. It uses a photo from right before we met and no where does it mention that he was a happily married man. I found out by accident during the summer it had even been made. My husband would be so sad that his memory doesn't acknowledge his whole life. It bothers me but I kept quiet because I just didn't want a fight on my hands. But it still lingers in the back of my mind. So I ask you: what would you do? Would you contact the school just to express the disappointment? Would you just let it go? I'm sure as hell not going to go tell the nut bars in his family that made it how disappointed I am. The last thing I want to do is talk to them after all the other toxic things they have done. Just wondering because I'm sitting here staring the the college phone number and thinking...maybe?

I will say more lately I have had more victories than loses. But even with the victories as a widow I find the consequence is that a little more of my pain is processed and has to come out. I finally finished my battle with the insurance company and finally got that settled. But like I gut reflex when it was all said and done after being delayed for over a year I promptly told the insurance woman that there is a special place in hell for people like her and I hope she enjoys the ride. I went back to my husband's work to share the coffee that I had named after him with his work colleagues. The amount of Joy I felt seeing them all excitedly try a coffee they knew he would have been proud of made me feel amazing. And yet I cried the entire way home knowing I wasn't going home to him. I decided to try and go on a date. And I'll tell you the guy was actually quite sweet and he didn't push and he didn't question and I was able to act normal without having a nuclear meltdown. And yet I felt absolutely nothing. In fact later I spent the rest of the weekend feeling rage that I had to go through this process again when I knew exactly what I wanted and yet I could never have it again. I have now settled into my new home that I've purchased. It is so me and I've decorated it to match that. Some of our belongings are back up on the wall but others have been put away into a beautiful chest I purchased so I can go back and look anytime I want. I love this little house it makes me so happy. And yet when I crawl into bed at night I still look at the empty space on the other side and go why God why? Why did you take away the one thing I would trade everything else for? And then the tears come as I go to sleep. I've got so many beautiful friends and a wonderful family. I have a steady job that will suit me for now until I truly decide what I'm passionate about. I am okay in whatever sense that means when you're widowed. Cuz you are never totally okay. I will always be angry that my husband died the way he did. I will always be frustrated that I was robbed of some of the greatest potential years of my life. I will always question how and why I have suffered through the last year. I am grateful for the knowledge and wisdom I have now. An understanding of the world I could not have gotten any other way and yet I would happily trade it back for the ignorance of my life before all this happened. Even though I have a greater appreciation for life than I ever thought possible I would hand it away like a hot potato if it meant I could have back the ignorance of plodding through my wonderful life with my dear husband. But the world doesn't always give you what you want. So you try to find the new good but it always seems to come with this extra pain as you move forward. I hope one day this pain will lif. That last little bit that's been suffocating me. It gets lighter but I'll tell you right now I want off this f****** crazy bus my life has become.