Captains wife

I'm sorry too. This has to be very difficult and painful. Please don't put blame on yourself re your daughter. Be good to yourself during this tough time.

Manfriend : ) I also call him New Guy a lot. He calls me his "Serious Girlfriend"  . We haven't reached the "Significant Other" phase.

1.got thru tough work presentation this week. Good feedback. 2. Very nice date night tonight. 3. Started new fitness regime- wish me luck!

Posts like this put me in a good mood. Thanks for the update !

Sorry Chapter 2 is so tough, especially trying to date as a single parent. I never like to tell people what to do with their relationships but I'll try and offer some advice as I've been in a similar situation. It sounds like you are getting increasingly frustrated, and it's understandable given his (in)actions. But what I've come realize in my many years of dating is that different people move at vastly different speeds when it comes to verbalizing the "L" word and some have a hard time saying it at all, even if they feel inclined that way. It takes me a very long time to say it (like over a year or more) and I have a hard time saying it generally. It doesn't mean he isn't feeling that way and pushing him to say it will not likely go well either, especially as it sounds as though he is carrying some emotional baggage. My personal experience has been that guys can close down if they feel they are being pushed emotionally (as can women). Is he expressing some emotion towards you through other actions/words...do you feel this is a time issue or something is lacking in terms of how he feels about you? If your emotional needs aren't getting met, and you have talked to him a few times and nothing is changing maybe you need to evaluate what you can and can't live with in a relationship. Maybe you guys are a good match in some ways but not on an emotional openness level (I've had this said to me FYI)? It's ok to analyze a relationship but you are good to make sure you aren't over-analyzing it. If you aren't getting any of the emotional support you need and want it it might be worth a(nother) frank discussion with him- about how u r feeling, what you are looking for in a long term relationship (before making any rash decisions so at least if you decide to walk away that you feel you've done what you can)? As I mentioned, I think there is a big difference between a man who needs some time to get to the "L" phase (and for some men that can take a long time) but is expressing his caring and attachment in other ways plus you are seeing some emotional progression vs a man who just can't get to that point as he is so closed off and generally emotionally closed off/cold and not considering your emotional needs. Wishing you all best...I understand how tough this is.

Ugh. Sorry Maureen- last thing you needed. Hope next week better.

I'm also sorry you had to join us, and at such a young widow age. The first weeks/months are so unbelievably tough - I remember being in a daze (I lost my 37 year old husband suddenly) and crying over chicken wings in the frozen food section at the grocery store. I am now almost 4 years out and I still grieve but I have learned to cope and grow from it. Please be good to yourself now, keep in touch with us (we understand). Other things I found useful were: taking time from work, allowing myself time to feel bad and cry, finding a grief therapist, reaching out to other widows/widowers, exercise, keeping myself distracted with projects. Please take care....

1. My son got a smaller cast on and actually stood up for first time today on his own. First time in 6 plus weeks. 2. Took a little "me" time today. Met up with local male friend and went for gorgeous lunch and a walk in Woods Hole. 3. Nice laid back "movie night" with my son this evening, complete with popcorn. Nice to just relax after hectic week.

I hear you. Even though my prior dating profile mentioned I was looking for a serious boyfriend, guys just went after me for a fling. I also found Match.com the best of all sites but this also very regional dependent. I found it best to try and meet men as well as new friends through meetup groups or social groups where there are common interests. For example, for me it was sailing (and I joined local yacht club) and also my wine tasting groups. Some of the activities you mentioned may limit the men that cross your path. I know...the whole process is frustrating but it sounds as though you are doing many of the right things and making a concerted effiort. That's great. All the best,

TooSoon,

First of all I am sorry you are feeling this way.....I am not sure I can relate 100% to what you are going through but I do understand some of the issues you were describing. My grief therapist thought I may have some form of PTSD after the very sudden loss of my husband (after he was "missing" for 10 hours and then I had to pick up his body at the boat dock) and then being left to care for a 9mth old boy alone.

I have had friends who have tried EMDR with good success, who have been through other life traumas. In terms of medications, I am personally not into using them - but this is purely my own choice and not for everyone.

I wish I could help more but let me give you a few suggestions of what has helped me. What has helped me the most in the past 3.5 years since losing my husband has been making some key lifestyle changes. These include: 1) Diet (cut drinking way back, eating healthier vs. binge and comfort eating, cut back processed food, less caffeine), 2) Exercise (seriously tough aerobics classes, including ones where I could punch or kick). I work out regularly and the endorphins have helped so much, 3) I sought out new things to keep me occupied with my time and to introduce me to new people. Sometimes I want my alone time at home with my son but pushing myself to do new things and mingle with new people (widow and non widow), 4) Regular monthly visits with my grief therapist (to get any crap out of my head I don't want to tell anyone else, or just have a good cry), 5) Relaxation yoga at night (alone, after my son goes to bed - bought a video on it) and forced myself to "clear my mind", 6) Writing stuff down to get it out - especially if upset with NG or other friends, it helped to write it out. I also write out my TO DO lists and break it out as to what to accomplish immediately vs what can wait so I don't feel overwhelmed. 7) Planning stuff in advance to look forward to (esp in the winter). For example, I am taking my son again to Florida to visit a friend. For you, making visits to see NG, trips with your daughter etc. Knowing I had a plan of even just events helped my anxiety about the more immediate future. 8. I take help where I can get it - i.e. I have become much closer to my family and lien on friends when I need help as a single parent...and then I don't feel so alone and overwhelmed.

Im not sure any of this can directly address your anxiety but maybe a few of them might be helpful in some way. All the best,

TooSoon - I too (as we can all see) have communication issues. I am very protective of myself (and my feelings) and my son and I am not particularly emotionally open (although I am certainly better than I used to be as I have worked on this post widow). I fear rejection a bit but I mainly fear things generally not working out. I am dating long distance too (although your situation is clearly more long distance) plus my life is crazy busy so this Chapter 2 relationship is so foreign to me - ie. seeing someone 3-4 times a month.  I am also dating someone who I think feels more than he shows/communicates and is very stubborn - which is not very comforting to someone who has been through a sudden loss of a husband. Although I am not 100% there - I have a few suggestions which have helped me: 1) when you get communication that sets you off (for whatever reason), take a step back and sit on it for a while rather than react immediately to your feelings (try and distract yourself for a while). In the beginning, I would just react and when I feel threatened I can be quite "sharp" and that would just set him off. So now I sit back and wait and then respond. 2) Write stuff out you are feeling and want to say ! It helps I promise. 3) Make plans ahead so the schedules for you two have a timeline. I find I feel "separated" if I don't see what is happening next, 4) Have a frank discussion (in a rational way) about issues bothering you and own it if you feel certain feelings are "irrational". When I explained certain reactions/feelings to NG, he sat back and understood and I saw changes in his behavior (and our interactions) which helped. (I am still working on this however).

TalktoAngels - Agreed on communication - we (NG and I) are very similar in that respect - therefore the silly problems and misunderstandings. I hate to "compare" but my DH was very open and a great communicator (most times, except when I pushed him too far) and it really helped me that he was like that. I also agree NG has accepted things about me he isn't really happy about - he has actually said as much. I don't want to "change" him but I want to change some of our interactions I think - and I feel I have changed some of my actions to accommodate him. I will give him credit that he has altered some behaviors over our time together but I guess part of this dating process is trying to understand what I can and can't "live with" (and same for him). I think we are still in that phase, especially as my child is also part of the picture as is his bitter divorce.

PS - I tend to make notes before I talk to my new guy. It helps me think through my thoughts and get to the root of what is bothering me and why- and also to sift out (when on paper) things I shouldn't be getting upset over given other factors. In the old days when I was married, I just used to get angry and either spew out whatever in my head or go into shut down mode. I know the notes thing is dorky but it helps me keep organized, calm and allows me to get my thoughts out (that I thought out ahead of time). Might work for others?

I understand. I get this feeling very often with people in my life - NG, my son, my parents....the sudden loss of my husband made me well aware that anything can happen but I also know it's my issue. I'm very happy that u r so happy with new guy - just letting him know you care about his well being and that he is ok is nice for him I think. I don't think it's wrong to mention it if u feel that way as long as you try not to obsess about it. Wishing u all the best,

Thanks to all for hearing me out while I vented. He ended up sending me a nicer text and just called. Things aren't 100 percent sorted out but we had a good adult conversation and both acknowledged some bad communication habits. Mark - u were right...he was very frustrated and confused since he felt he made an effort last week and I was pushing him away. We shall see how things progress- we r meeting in person next week. So much unecessary drama...ps- it's pouring rain here out in Buzzards Bay MA.

I hear you- this is so juvenile. I offered to get on the phone and was turned down....

Well we just had a text argument. I'm so tired of this...

This is helpful, thank you. Honestly, when this has happened before, it is me that breaks the vicious circle most of the time, even when he was in the wrong. Its not the couch text that set me off (but he did send it in the middle of a funeral which is why I didn't respond) but he has done a number of things recently to upset me and I did apologize on Sunday for being aloof plus emailed him a coupon for his couch as a "nice" gesture. This time around, I really don't deserve his silent treatment (especially as he knows how stressed I am), although knowing him I guess I get it. I really try and be fair (I learned a lot becoming suddenly widowed) and while my communication skills still need work, I also feel I would have acted so differently if the tables were turned. I am just tired of this cold shoulder from him and needed to vent so I can get through it and decide my next steps.

Thanks - it is indeed very possible. We are very similar....but boy this feels like high school....uuggghhh.

Honestly, I needed a place to get this out. I have been having some issues with my Chapter 2 relationship recently as I have been admittedly unhappy with certain aspects of my Chapter 2 relationship and have been re-thinking about whether to keep going (we have been together for a year and 7 months). He says he is very happy - I would like a few things to change for me to be happier.

In many ways, he is a wonderful, kind man and we have a lot that makes us a good match but unfortunately we don't communicate well (as we are somewhat similar in this area). This past week I have been crazy busy plus he has done a few things recently to upset me (not making plans ahead of time, his drinking behavior, some insensitive comments/actions) so I kind of shut down this past week and was very aloof (not responding to all texts, even when he asked what was up - he could tell something was "off"). I finally fessed up after a few days via text that I was angry about a few things (and let them build up) plus I was overwhelmed by the amount of things I have on my plate now (work crazy busy, son with broken leg etc) and I apologized for my aloof behaviour. On Friday, he suggested maybe we should speak via phone (I said maybe later in the weekend - with me, I need to sit on things a few days when I am angry which is why I didn't reach out earlier in the week), we exchanged a few texts earlier on Sunday (he sent the last one, sending me a pic of his new couch) and then...radio silence. He never called, and didn't text again. We are usually in touch several times a day but he is giving me the silent treatment now and I am just fed up and upset. This vicious circle has happened before and I don't think its justified. But I cant bring myself to break the vicious cycle this time and just trying to focus on other things as I see how this plays out.

I care about this person very much but I also cant take this emotional rollercoaster, with everything else I have going on. I don't need advice about breaking up vs. not breaking up (that has to be my final decision) but maybe some of my fellow wids could help with ideas re: coping mechanism/helping me to cope as I go through a bad period (and maybe end) of my Chapter 2. I can feel myself getting distracted and upset but want to keep pressing forward with what I need to focus on right now - work and my son (rather than checking my phone endless times). Ugh - thanks for listening....

1. Great productive day at work today. Feel some enthusiasm returning. 2. I'm standing my ground. 3. Work out tonight...I'm keeping up with NY regime.

Maureen,

I am happy for you that you got to experience your Chapter Two love. I am also angry for you that you lost it - going through this experience once is awful, but twice is...(not sure I can even find a word). You have such strength for the widow community - sending hugs to get u through the next few days in particular.

If I am in Boston that day, I will try !

I was a big fan too, especially when I was in high school and was sad to read the news.....

1. I'm trying to bring my Happiness project back after a challenging few weeks.                                        2. Lovely weekend hanging out with my son - who gets his full leg cast off this week!                              3. I've had 2 offers from my sailing friends to pick me up to go to a local funeral. So glad I don't have to go alone.         

Thanks for sharing. How odd.... Maybe time to move on