Captains wife

I so get this. I miss my DH sometimes so much that I forget about the big issues we had in our marriage. I forget how unhappy I was at times being married to him.  I think what I miss (and want to cling onto) were the great parts of the relationship, and how warm and fun he was, what a great father, his general enthusiasm and family orientation. Since I am in a new relationship too, and there are some issues there, that I also sometimes think the grass was greener and that things were better when I was married to DH....as humans, I think its inevitable we do this at times....Yet, even if sometimes things were difficult in our marriage, it doesn't erase missing him and the person that he is. And no one is going to fill that void.  Wishing you all the best. Chapter 2 = not easy.....

I think I can make Sunday...just working on babysitting. Either place for me works...

I wish there was a manual too. Some parents are more cautious about their relationships and children in general - particularly at certain ages. But it sounds as though he is being cautious in general in dating, which is ok - if you are ok with it. "Not being ready" is fair enough and if that is the case, it is better you two are taking it slow. And he better be open about communicating going forward. My Chapter 2 relationship is proceeding at a snail's pace - but because both of us are more comfortable that way.

I think in a new, serious relationship that our kids should be involved to some extent but there is no timeline for this and depends a lot on the people involved, and how the children are adapting. I think its tough for some of us (including me) to blend their kids with a partner that isn't their mother or father and so that could be some of what is going on here - either to "protect" the children or to protect themselves. I would be more concerned in your case if he just isn't into opening himself and his family up to you over the long run - and maybe his timeline is just longer than some people.

For example, I took over a year to introduce my now BF to my son (who was 3 years old at the time) and only recently (another few months after that) has he stayed overnight - but he stays in my room while I sleep in the guest room...even if my now 4 year old probably has no idea whether we stayed in the same room or not. I also tend to have limited contact including both of them - because I am very cautious....but also because I want mother/son time alone. I'm lucky my Chapter 2 boyfriend understands that and its also easier as he doesn't have his own kids.

Wishing you all the best...this is NOT easy at all. 

I think its so great when we can open our hearts and emotions again after such a painful loss. I wish you all the best in your Chapter 2 ! I am Ms Cautious (plus I have a young child) so while I started dating 14 months after my husband died, I have taken the opposite tack. I haven't let myself fall fast and am moving in baby steps - but I admire those that do !

A vivid dream like that about your LH understandably throws you. Interesting how these dreams of your come to you on regular basis.....I don't tend to interpret dreams too literally but they can really be unsettling. I have these recurring vivid dreams at weird intervals (ie. every couple of months) where my LH is alive and I warn him that he is about to die. Makes me really unsettled for a while.

I'm thankful my young son is now talking up a storm (he was a late talker). I'm thankful for the new friends that have come into my life, post widow. I'm thankful for the support of this Board. I'm thankful for the support of my inlaws re. My son. I'm thankful for all the support my mum has given me. I'm thankful for my work and the flexibility it gives me as an "only" parent. I'm thankful more recently for fried green tomatoes and grits (I finally tried them on my trip South) : ) Thanks for starting this positive thread!

Thank you all. I'm trying, I really am. I am volunteering, I've made a lot of plans over Thankgiving/Xmas period, my son and I started doing our own Xmas traditions as of last year (Elf on the Shelf, we finally got our own Xmas tree and decorated it etc). but my direct family doesn't live close by, and the holidays were always such fun with my husband (and its just not the same with NG) and I guess I just miss that and have the holiday blahs. I do know, though, I have a lot to be thankful for so am trying to concentrate on that. Best wishes to all during this more difficult period !

I will try and make it - I just need to figure out babysitting !

I used to be anti-therapy......just thought it unnecessary, kept everything to myself and a few select people. After losing my husband suddenly 3.5+ years ago, I couldn't deal that way anymore and it wasn't healthy (serious anger issues) so I started seeing a grief therapist. It was one of the best things I ever did (other than joining this Board!) - its good to let your emotions out and stuff in your head out to an impartial third party who is trained to help. Wishing you all the best,

Kudos to you ! That is a very big step and I am impressed that you took that step - and happy to hear NG is taking it in stride.

I am taking the opposite (and not suggested tack) of keeping my in-laws and NG separate. My belief is that neither party wants to meet each other so I am keeping them separate and plan to do so for a long while.

Is the main issue that you have a new man or that he is spending time with your kids ? My MIL is particularly sensitive to my son spending time with my NG (she's very ok with me dating but integrating a new man in my son's life is a real sore spot) so I purposely never post pics on FB of NG and my son as I don't want to upset anyone. They don't spend that much time together anyway.....

Wish I had better advice but just wanted to offer support.

I can feel the Holiday Blues creeping up on me....I felt terrible last year and had a few issues although I was trying very hard not to be blue. This year, I am currently trying to focus on my Happiness Project, be grateful for what I have etc., I am volunteering on Thanksgiving and have plans but the Holiday Blues are still there in the background. And there is a part of me that feels "blah" as a result...and slightly irritated. I had to get out of the house yesterday so took my son shopping at Target and went to Starbucks and just wandered around in a slight haze and watched all the "complete" families shopping.

I am currently trying my best to pull myself out of my funk but I am certain others on here can relate to what I am saying....words of encouragement are welcome : )

Agreed! For example, Thankgiving really isn't the same for me anymore so I volunteer that day and deliver meals to the elderly. So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm helping others. I also try to be more supportive to there vs the way I used to be. Agreed is a positive step!

Exactly. Dating a divorced guy, so bitter about ex and marriage in general. Doesn't fully understand when I have cranky, off days as only parent. Understand divorce is heart-breaking and really tough and huge loss but it's not the same as widow/widower status at all.

Sorry. I wish I could make it but am in Buzzards bay on Sunday with my son. Have a great time!

Interesting post. For some reason, I always thought I'd die at a relatively young-ish age. I don't know why I thought that but never saw myself ageing to 80. Since I am a single mother to a 4 year now I need to be there for him as long as possible now so now I'm paranoid of dying and am often worrying about illness, accidents etc. I am much better about going to the Dr early if anything seems off and I've cut down the risks I take (ie if it's snowing just a bit I won't drive). And admittedly I think there is always something medically wrong with me, especially as we do have some hereditary issues on my mum's side.  It's hard not to be paranoid when our children clearly need us after their initial loss.

I'm sorry, its certainly the last thing you need. And it doesn't help the grief - in fact it smacks us again in the face. I remember one of my first issues - I had to drive myself to the emergency room while my body was suffering from some severe allergic reaction and I had to take my toddler son with me. I just wanted someone to take care of us.....hope u feel better soon and be good to yourself....

Thank you for this wonderful post Maureen - I am 3.5+ years out and this Board really helped me along the grief path. I still visit regularly....Being with other widows/widowers who are going through a similar set of emotions, who understand how hard this is, and how long it lingers and understand how most people who haven't been through it just cant seem to deal or do/say the right thing. I was never an open person, just plastered a smile on my face and said everything was ok to those who knew me - but this place has allowed me to open up, connect with others, commiserate as well as help others via posting. It really has helped me heal along the way.

I'm also very sorry you are with us to those who just joined but you have come to the right place...

I went on my first date about 14-15 months after my husband died. I wasn't 100% ready to meet someone but I was sooo lonely and just wanted to get myself back out there. I joined 2 dating sites (I personally prefer the paid ones as the free ones can get some real characters) and started corresponding with a few men and then went on a first date with a guy that seemed very nice (and he was in some ways). I usually talk to the guy on the phone to screen before I actually go on a date - so that made me feel more comfortable about going out with him. I drank far too much on this first date and probably talked about my sad life too much but I was happy to get my foot in the door. There was no second date but I then started casually dating here and there and just had fun with it. By that, I just used it as a means to meet different types of men and have some company. I wanted to find a "steady" boyfriend eventually but I also knew it would take a while and didn't want to get discouraged. Since I didn't take it too seriously in the beginning, it seemed less daunting.  So I also went out with guys that weren't necessarily my type but seemed nice, or funny (to see if there was anything there) - and it was nice to just get out and have some good company. I had some very nice dates but with not the right matches for me - and this also helped build my confidence. It can seem overwhelming but take baby steps with it - and if you get dating fatigue, take time out. Admittedly, I had some very bad dates and may have cried after one or two of them but then just dusted myself and moved on. Nothing ventured, nothing gained : ) Wishing you all the best - you can do this Sailorgirl!

Im at 3.5+ years and hear you loud and clear on this one. I have always been a hard worker and career oriented (I work in finance) and I started at my new job in 2011 that way. My husband died suddenly in 2012, and I was left to raise a baby. It really re-juggled my priorities and I do try and do a good job at work - but the prior focus and drive has definitely waned since becoming a widow. While I need to work hard to pay the bills plus I want to take pride in my work, my career doesn't have the same meaning as it did before and I am not as focused on climbing the corporate ladder.

Its weird how dreams work - at first, I wanted to dream about my late husband...then I didn't want to as I woke up sad again. I don't know about anyone else but my "nightmares" mostly involve me trying to warn my husband that he was going to die that day (he was killed in a boating accident). In another, somehow he came back to us but he was a completely different person. I always wake up from those feeling unsettled. Hope your dreams get better....

I am 3.5+ years out but the year one sadiversary felt like a benchmark date for me in a lot of ways.

I wanted to have some alone time but not be completely alone so my mother came to visit for that time. So for part of the day we planted a garden in my husband's honor, had a nice lunch and talked about him (with my young son there) and then my mother kindly babysat while I took some time to myself to have some relaxation time and fun. I went for a walk, went shopping, took myself out for a bite to eat and just reflected on the prior year.

Once the one year was passed, I also started thinking about maybe trying to date. So I joined a dating site about 2 months after my sadiversary as I tried to start thinking about the next chapter in my life.

Firstly, its really good that you are trying to learn from your loss. Not everyone is that self-reflective, so applaud yourself for that. You have a lot on your plate + grief so its natural that it going to come out somehow.

I completely understand and empathize about what you posted. I am someone who has serious anger issues as a widow - I have always been short tempered but my anger went through the stratosphere when my husband died suddenly, leaving me alone to raise a baby.

What I have tried to do over time is to channel my anger in other ways or find ways to calm down before I explode - my grief therapist has helped with that. But, honestly, if my current new guy does something to tick me off, admittedly my anger is set off. And I either get really mad in a flash (i.e. there has been some slamming doors incidents) or I seethe for days on end and shut down.

I think its understandable you get angry, you are human and if your NG has done something to hurt your feelings/upset you then its going to come out. There could be some underlying widow anger in there but maybe he just really pissed you off with his actions ? I think when arguments get heated - at least this is working for me - that talking it out really helps, but only after a period of time when all parties can calm down. (I also tend to jot down notes before I talk to him and then I can clearly articulate all that is bothering me). It probably doesn't hurt to apologize if you think your anger got a bit out of control (I have found personally its important for both sides to acknowledge "mistakes") but as hachi said you shouldn't apologize for your feelings. Maybe explain clearly what NG said to set you off ? Sometimes the other party is clueless - seriously.

Wishing you all the best - re-coupling....in many ways worthwhile but SO not easy....

Your positive attitude has been an inspiration. You have been through so much and continue to move forward with your life. Wishing you all the best in your next chapter.

Great thought provoking post. I am in the slow dating phase. I had an up and down marriage- some parts great, some not so much. But I also learned some very valuable life lessons and a lot about myself when my husband died suddenly. I know I want to be a better partner. I'm working on it although sometimes ingrained personality traits are hard to alter. I feel bad about the way I acted sometimes in my marriage and took a lot for granted. In a terms of finding a better partner, in hindsight I can see how on certain levels my DH was not a good match so I am mindful of that in looking for a new partner. But on other levels he was a great match and I doubt I'll find that again - including that he was a wonderful father and that can't be replaced for me. I wish you all the best in Chapter 2...it's amazing how we can grow and adapt from prior experiences.

Oh yes, I get it. In my current relationship, I don't have that specific problem, I can talk about my dead husband as much as I want and he doesn't feel "threatened" by my past marriage (although I don't really bring up my DH that much anymore). Sometimes, though, the grief issue does get in the way and he takes it personally.

HOWEVER, I have met men in my dating past that were "threatened" by my widow status, for a few reasons. I was told that their biggest worry was that I wouldn't be able to "get over" my ex and move on; or how could they compete with someone I was potentially still in love with? Also, since I have a young son, they were worried about having to be a "daddy" figure.

I think there is some insecurity on the part of some men since we didn't go down this relationship route by choice (i.e. like in a divorce). But they also need to understand that it is possible to move on after the death of a spouse and love again. Its not a competition, its a new phase of our lives. While in the past I have made statements to make guys feel more secure about moving on (i.e. explain what it is like to be a widow), I also realized I don't want to be with someone who cant accept my widow status as it is.  I agree that I hear about the ex wives MUCH MORE than I bring up my DH.

I know its frustrating, maybe if this is an issue you are facing you can talk frankly to this person about being ready and wanting to move on ? Maybe this person just needs a bit more educating ? If they are too adamant about your inability to move on, well that's your choice and not theirs.....

Wishing you all the best - none of this is easy.