Captains wife

I guess I am one of the few who likes the "like" button on here. I appreciate that many people read posts on here but don't post themselves - and some of those people will use the "like" button. I see it more of a way to appreciate what someone has said, rather than a replacement for words. I use it  because I think its nice to acknowledge people's thoughts, and sometimes I don't have the words to express myself. I also appreciate it that readers "like" posts, rather than reading and doing nothing. I am not insulted if my posts aren't acknowledged with a "like"....Just a different point of view.

I am far from actually "blending" in the real sense but does it count that I am trying to work out how to date plus have New Guy in my son's life ? New Guy is divorced but has no kids and has very limited experience with kids (as he has no nieces or nephews). I kept the two (my son and New Guy) separate for over a year (I am Ms Cautious) and just started "blending" them over the summer - i.e. we spent 3-4 days together at his summer house up North and he has started to spent partial weekends at my house in the burbs every couple of weeks. I suggested to New Guy a while ago we just keep my son out of the equation but he wanted to get to know him and include my son as part of the entire relationship. He was mildly insulted that I suggested that we keep our dating life completely separate.

But honestly I don't know where to go from here - I do spend most of my time with New Guy without my son (since we only see each other maybe once a week) which works for now. New Guy is good with my son but the situation is also a little awkward - for both of us. Admittedly, I am very pleased he is trying and making an effort - for example, I dread going to the local Halloween parade by ourselves (I didn't tell NG that) but out of the blue NG asked if he could come and march with us in the parade to support us. I was touched - but he also makes it clear on occasion that he wants our "alone" time. For me, it feels odd trying to blend my son with someone other than his father. But I want to be fair to NG as this is a big change for him too - he has never dated someone with a child before.

I am going to have to bring my two worlds further together somehow...and don't know how to do it or how I want it to take shape. Unlike others on here, I don't see co-habitation happening any time soon and marriage isn't on the table.

I just needed to get these thoughts out. Maybe I should just quit over-thinking and go with the flow for now....

If I am in Boston that weekend, I will try and attend !

Awesome post - and good for you for getting involved !

There are some insane parents out there- I have encountered some "lovely" married women in my small town at these parent meet ups and it makes me want to crawl back in my widow hole. The best one was a women telling me that she hated her husband and the only reason she stayed married to him was to get help with her kids. Really ? Nice for you honey....

And the bossiness of some of the parents at these events - yes, feel free to give back a back-handed comment next time...with a big smile on your face !

Its been 3.5+ years for me - and my married life with my husband just feels like a completely different life that happened to someone else.

Thanks for posting - enjoyed reading the article. I used to think everything happened for a reason, then my husband died suddenly. At first I wondered what the reason was behind that ? And in the end I came up that it didn't happen for a reason....the accident just happened and its left us all worse off who knew him.

Remember reading your earlier posts - and I am so happy for you ! I also love reading good news on here : )

Ok - I know there is a book out there with this title : )

For me personally, the first widow year was so miserable, the second year tough, the third year starting to feel slightly better and now I am on 3 years and 5 months. At first I thought re-coupling would make me happy and while its brought some comfort, it also brings turmoil. So in recent months, I have embarked on my personal project to figure out what makes me happy and try and move on with my life in a positive way. Even pre-widow, if I honestly think back, I wasn't always the happiest of people.

I have been reading books, watching videos (documentaries) on the topic and just trying to reformat my life so I am happy. Ok I will never be happy all the time, I do grieve my husband/father of our son a lot still, but I want to look back and try and be more contented with my life. This isn't for everyone but I think being happy sometimes in this world requires work and I need to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life and how to bring myself and my son happiness.

So here is my beginning list of what I am trying to do to get my life back on track and follow my "happiness project" - feel free to add yours or your thoughts to this thread.

1) I have completely changed my diet and my exercise regime since being widowed. I have lost 5 sizes and the endorphins of working out really do help me. I have a 4 year old so I accepted the donation of an elliptical and use that at night, after he is in bed. I also try and work out at the free gym at my work, on lunch hours. I am also taking generally better care of myself (what I eat, cut back on drinking).

2) I really struggled with single parenting when I was alone and my son was a baby. I feel I am getting into the swing of it more now even if it can be overwhelming. I am finding ways to spend time with my son in a positive way - taking more outings, doing more things together, making sure we have time together when I have been working a lot etc.

3) Developing a new social life. Like a lot of people on here, I "lost" a number of friends so I have spent a lot of time trying to foster new friendships. I also don't want to become too dependent on a new guy relationship as its tough to move on in Chapter 2. I am lucky to have met some great people - through my town (sailing club), on this board, through work and my other social activities in Boston (i.e. wine tasting). I have become more pro-active about keeping in touch with people and making time and plans to see them (sometime with or without my son).

4) Charity work - don't have a lot of time to do this but since the holidays are hard, I deliver meals to the elderly on Thanksgiving. Also do some volunteer work in my town.

5) Keep up with my therapist - I have trouble sharing what is bothering me, in my head a lot of the time with people close to me so seeing a grief therapist has really helped. I can say whatever I want to her. I also have a hard time "letting go" if someone (ie new guy) hurts me or upsets me and letting it all our of my head with my therapist helps too.

6) Letting myself have "down" days  - if I am not feeling happy that day, I don't force it. I lay low but also focus on what will cheer me up that day (i.e going home to see my son, going to spa for relaxation time, having a good meal etc, going to bed early and watching crap TV, reading).

7) Refocus on work. I have had serious concentration issues since my husband died and while I like my work a lot, it isn't my dream job. But I am lucky to have such a great team and environment so I have been putting more effort into my research recently and I feel good about that, and proud of what I am doing.

8 - Giving myself the occasional break from parenting - I am fortunate to have the support of my inlaws close-by so that I can take some hours to myself on the weekend if I want it and need it. And my MIL loves spending time with my son and its mutual on his side. Sometimes I just need a short break from it all so will meet a friend, or go dancing or go to the gym or just a walk or shopping  - and that helps.

9) Making our home feel like our home - My husband and I bought our house and then he died 3 months later. Although I would like to move/downsize I also know that I now don't want to the stress/financial burden of it. I have been making some changes to the house for me and my son that makes it feel more like "our" home. But my husband is still with us, in the occasional picture in the LR and our son's room.

I am writing this post at a time when I feel pretty good so I will hopefully look back on it when I have down days and that will help. We shall also see how long I can keep this up - its not easy I know. But just wanted to share....

First of all, sorry this has transpired into such a difficult relationship. Dating is one thing, living together, in each other's space all the time is quite another. Grief is such a roller coaster and those who haven't experienced it, don't get it..this I have found out.

I have been dating someone for 17 months and its been a roller coaster ride sometimes - but I am trying to be fair and ask myself....am I unhappy with this person or is it my grief speaking or am I just unhappy with my change in situation post widow ? (after all, it is VERY different being a couple and being married, to getting back to dating and getting to know and understand and relate to a whole new person).

Sadiversaries, especially the early ones, can be tough - get some space if you need it during this time and be good to yourself. Following this period, try and sit down with your partner and have a frank discussion about what is bothering you and why and what are your suggestions for fixing it. At least then, if you put in the effort and the relationship still doesn't improve in the future, you can walk away knowing you tried and that it wasn't meant to be if the other person cant reciprocate.

Wishing you all the best and lots of widow support....

Sorry momtojandj,

I so understand what you are saying - I am 3 years and 5 months out, and also lost my husband suddenly in an accident. I see pics of the 3 of us and think to myself - what the hell happened to our lives? My 4 year old son was talking about his dad being dead the other day and its heartbreaking. He asked when he could see him. Its absolutely NOT fair that our kids have to be subjected to this and NO ONE will ever come close to being there and loving him like his Dad did. I too feel I am trying to move forward but the sense of loss for my son also breaks my heart and holds me back.

Sending widow support - so sorry we and our kids all have to go through this nightmare.....

I was fired from my first job out of college - at the time it seemed like such a big deal. But you know what ? I went on to much better and bigger jobs so it all worked out. Honestly, it was one of the best things that happened to me as I ended up working in London. I told the employers that I was interviewing with that it was a combination of the company downsizing (true) plus also it wasn't a good fit (true too). The issue with getting fired vs. quitting comes down to money in a lot of ways - if he was terminated, they would likely have to pay him a severance (depending on his contract) and he could qualify for unemployment. Its also easier to find a job when you have a job. When things are unpleasant, its very tempting to quit but that lets his company off the hook in a lot of ways. These days there is less stigma when we are let go from our jobs given the economic climate. But he should make sure he does have a good contact at his current firm and plays nice with HR so he can get a decent reference when he does land a new job.

Does your son have an idea of what he would like to do outside of accounting ? Can he get into a field where he can use his accounting background but not be an accountant ?Its a long slog in that career if he doesn't enjoy it at all. Make sure he is on LinkedIn as a lot of recruiters look at that website. He should start talking to headhunters. Can he network with people he know to explore other career options (this helps a lot I think)? I found the book "What Color is Your Parachute?" a great insightful book - an oldie but goodie. Its hard to apply for jobs and sound convincing if he isn't sure what he wants to do and he needs to formulate a good story if he wants to change careers.

Wishing him all the best - that can be a tough time, career wise.

Thanks for posting this - I have been on a personal happiness project recently (I've been pretty moody my whole life, and being a widow hasn't helped) but this put certain things into perspective and gave me some ideas of how to think of "the happiness project" differently.

I read somewhere in some widow book that the author thought it was surprising that widows and widowers weren't in more car accidents as that tends be a key reflection time/thinking time and time for tears. Admittedly, I let my mind really wander when I am driving (although I clearly pay attention to what I am doing on the road) and its not just related to crying about my late husband but also these various scenarios related to my current life that play out in my head. The crying times related to my husband are often triggered by certain songs on the radio that I associate with him/our time together. The issue is that my thoughts really tend to get away from me during these driving time periods.

Sooo - I asked my grief therapist to help me on this. She said that she has dealt with a number of widows/widowers who do the same things and she has been working with them to help "control the mind thoughts" somewhat. I wanted to pass along her helpful hint - she recommended that I stop listening to the radio and start listening to CDs of books, or Ipod casts (which are shorter) and may cover certain, relevant topics. Such things will help steer my mind away from the LH triggers or help my mind from obsessing on current things in my life.

Ill try this and let you know how it goes !

You have accomplished so much and it takes a lot to walk away from someone, even if it wasn't right. It is so understandable that you are upset, this guy seems so manipulative. I'm sorry he doesn't seem to know that himself and is clearly not self reflective. I read your words of wisdom very carefully and appreciate you sharing your Chapter 2 experience. Sending virtual support - this cant be easy at all....

That does suck - are you getting certain signs ? Dating can be so up and down - fun as well as disappointing. I've had a number of potentials disappear when I was out dating. Please don't give up if this doesn't work out - there will be another match out there for you....

Ah drama free would be so nice - I have tried to minimize the drama in my life post widow, that was enough drama for a lifetime. I agree with other posts on here regarding most adults having baggage at this point in life....I know I do, and I don't always handle it well. But I also think it is how new guy handles it - if he is in a foul mood, at least he was upfront about it and took some time to simmer, and didn't take it out on you directly. I would also give the whole situation some more time and see how he handles things going forward and, as well, how much you can live with. I am not dating someone with an ex and kids but he is divorced and there has been a fair amount of drama surrounding his baggage with that - although I will give him credit that he has been better about handling it with time. He has also been better about handling the baggage I bring to the relationship. All the best,

I always loved entertaining, my husband and I loved entertaining together-I missed that. I get very Martha Stewart about throwing parties and I really enjoy it. This past weekend I threw my first real party (dinner and drinks) since my husband died 3.5 years ago- for about 20 women I sail with. It was a lot of work with everything else I have on my plate but party went really well and everyone had a good time, me included. I felt happy after the event and felt like my old self somewhat. It was a great feeling....just wanted to share some good news here.

Firstly, I wanted to say I am sorry you are feeling this way...its awful trying to drudge through the days feeling like that. Since being widowed my mood swings are terrible, and when I am down, its endless tears and I just feel awful. But maybe I could try and give a different perspective based on my own experience (understanding everyone's widow experiences and grieiving are very different). One thing that my husband's sudden and unexpected death taught me was that life can be really short - we only have a finite amount of time here. I spent my first year in a fog, 2nd year in a big mood swing and started to feel a bit more normal in year 3. And more recently, I have decided that although its perfectly fine to feel down sometimes, and to have days when I want to feel bad, I do want to be genuine happy with the time I have left. So I am now focused on what I can do to make me (as well as my son) happy (its my new mission) - its not easy, its hard work but I feel it is helping me. I certainly dont feel happy and dont expect to all the time but I do have days where I feel pretty good and have days when I can say I am happy. I read a few books on the topic, watched a few documentaries to get me going and have been trying to find ways to make myself happy, including improving my diet, keeping up with exercise, caring about my appearance, getting involved in activities I love to do (dancing, sailing, wine tasting), spending more quality time with my son (on outings - we used to just stay home all the time), allowing myself down time from work if I need it, working on things that have been bothering me in my Chapter 2 reltaionship, building new, healthy relationships, volunteering and helping others, doing home decorating projects etc. I also have tried to quit obsessing about things I cant control and things in the past that have gone wrong in my life....

I hope this helps a little...wishing you all the best.......

First of all, you need to track how much you have been spending vs. income so you have an idea of what you need or just are spending each month. You can put together an example in Excel, using your bank statements and your pay stubs/other income. (Try to use a more typical month, and seperate essentials vs. non essentials - ie. mtg, bills, food vs. entertainment). You'd be surprised how much you are spending on things you may not really need !

Then look at the list and try and figure out where to make cutbacks, even small ones so you can put aside money to pay down your home equity loan. (For example, I cut my lawn mowing service to every other week, I cut my DISH services, I make my lunch and am more careful with my weekly grocery shopping). Some people like taking out a certain cash amount for non-essential spending and only spending that (no credit cards) which is a great way to rein in spending but I personally have trouble with that as my personal expenses ebb and flow. I would also keep a close eye on using your credit card - if you have multiple, get rid of one and keep following your statements on the one you are using so you can see what you are spending money on (thats non essential).

Another option to to have money debited from the account where your pay is deposited on an automatic basis each month so that can go towards paying down the home equity loan faster.

Hope this helps !

Im sorry Lost35 - my husband also died in a sudden accident and I didnt get to say goodbye to him. The whole event seemed like a very bad nightmare - and Ill never forget getting that phone call from the Coast Guard in the middle of the night. I was thinking the other day how I would give anything to just see him again and talk to to him about all the things in my head. Sometimes when I am sitting somewhere or working out at the gym, staring out the window, I will myself to see his smiling face and picture him standing there. At 3+ years out, I have resigned myself to say goodbye but he's usually there in the background anyway, and in my thoughts.

When I'm home weekend nights...its me and my 4yr old eating dinner in front of kids tv. Then off to bed for him at 7.30pm, at which point I get mama free time. Then I usually do my workout and either watch endless TV reruns or read until I fall asleep. Exciting!

Some of those comments your friends made were brutal...and shows how badly many people just want to sweep death/grief under a rug and not deal. My situation was a combination - certain friends were there for me (at least in the background) but I also lost quite a few friends. Even friends that came to our wedding (who heard what happened) ignored me...not even a card. Certain couples definately drifted away. I too live in a small town and since we had just moved there, knew no one locally and my family lives in Canada. But its possible to "start over" in the friends department and now, 3+ years on, my set of friends has really expanded to a whole new set of great people - widows and non widows. The key was finding outlets where I would meet people that I would have something in common with - for me, other than the world of widows/widowers, it was sailing plus I met a few local mothers of pre-schoolers. Its not easy but as others have said on here - its not you, its them (your friends) and if they cant be there for you in such a life altering period, are they really being good friends? Wishing you all the best - NONE of this is easy.

Does she want to be paid on hourly basis? If so paying 15 an hour during day is reasonable and the 8-10 dollars for night hours. That will add up quickly (ie cost over $550) but would only pay that for older, more experienced nanny. Other than that I would calculate the cost for 2 days on the basis of what an annual salary for a nanny might be (ie working off a figure of about $50,000) and then throw in a little extra. That would get you to around $300 which is perfectly reasonable.

Yes, vent away. This widow/widower life is so hard - all of it, grieving, being single parents, trying to recouple. I have mornings where I just want to stay in bed the entire day and watch bad TV - but I have a 4 year old tugging on my arm.

Im really sorry you are having a rough time right now...it will pass but it feels pretty crappy when its here. Need local bago soon !

All the best,

Vent away - I personally have regular "pity parties" for myself. I just feel so sad sometimes about what has happened to my family, even if I am rebuilding a new life. And I am 3 plus years out. I get what it feels like to not really be alone but to feel alone. Wishing you all the best and sending support....

PS - MrsTim85 - dealing with a non-communicator is TOUGH. I am dealing with this now...sigh.....