JacklessSally

[[[big hug]]]

I did not get to marry my sweet man, we had 1 year , 1 week and 4 days before he was killed.

We get it here, most of us on this forum did not have the 20-40 years of the other groups.

"Are those his shoes?"

"Yes", most of them"

"Are those his clothes in the closet?"

"Yeah, there are a few more on the other side as well"

"You really need to pack those up"

... Excuse me?

I just talked to my therapist about this on Friday.

The day he was killed, Blaine called me to tell me what medication they were going to prescribe him. It is a substance that should not be prescribed to people with a previous drug history. A few days before we had gotten into a argument about how he needed to stop taking nights off at work, and then taking his lack of funds out on me. So that night I didn't even think to tell him to stay home. I let him be hard headed and go to work. He messaged me telling me he didn't like how he felt.. I should have made him come home then. His last message to me was at 6:45pm, he told me he was sorry because he thought I was mad at him... He was hit at 7:02.

I should have made him stay home, or I should have driven his deliveries.. He shouldn't have died alone.

Good that you have such a great person who can go with you, and keep up his end of the bargain!

This week has been rough, it is not an anniversary of anything, or a sadiversary since his death, but a few things this week have triggered me to finally recognize that this HAS happened and he is NOT coming home.

Sunday a friend of mine, who had never been out to where we lived, came out to pick me up. She walked inside our room and saw the hodgepodge of Blaine's stuff and my stuff mixed together. She looked down at a shoe rack under the desk and said "are all of these your shoes"

"No, most of them are his"

Then she looked in the closet

"Are those his clothes?"

"Yes..."

"You really need to pack up his shoes and clothes Tiffany"

"I'll get to it when I move out"

In hindsight this really hurt my feelings. Where does she get off telling me that I need to pack up his stuff. I live in his room with his stuff because I would not feel right in a room not surrounded by his things..

Monday, my company started work on Blaine's headstone. This hit me a lot harder than I thought it was going to. I knew the time would come for them to actually start the cutting and sandblasting. I think the fact that I can walk back there any time I like and see the progress which almost makes it worse. It would be one thing if it was just... done and I didn't "get" to see it from start to finish.

Yesterday as I was driving home, I had the thought "I miss having someone who wonders where the hell I am, and why i'm not home yet" I miss having him call me, as much as it annoyed me at the time, RIGHT AFTER I sent him a message saying I was leaving the office.

"Whatcha doin?"

"Driving, didn't I JUST tell you I was leaving the office?"

"Well I just wanted to hear your voice"

I miss those damn phone calls now..

He isn't coming home.. He isn't out there somewhere. He is gone, and there is no getting him back.

A week or two ago I started into it. Gives me something to hyper focus on. It is nice.

Oh my I feel so lost, I don't know what TMI stands for?  lol

Too Much Information

I get it! I do not think it is TMI at all.

The mattress my DF and I shared was pitched outside the NIGHT BEFORE he was killed. We had received a new to us mattress that night and so we pitched the other outside in the driveway until we knew what to do with it. Every day after his accident it rained. I had to force myself not to go out and sleep on them. He slept in that bed a few years before I came around.. We shared 1 night in our new bed, which I guess is a blessing in the end..

I'm sure we have all experienced them, weather they were actual signs, or coincidences that made us feel better for a moment.

In the 5 months without my DF B, I have had a few signs from him.

While getting my memorial tattoo for him, listening to white boy rap, a song came over the speakers of the parlor that not many people knew meant something to us. The artist freaked out, thought I was messing with him. I felt like it was B cheering me on!

This morning on my way to work, the parking permit for the Toadies concert I went to, started to flutter. There is no rhyme or reason to why it would have done such a thing. The air was not on, there was not a bug under it, no rational explanation. So of course, I figure it is my love telling me he is around. I had recently been thinking that I did not feel him as much anymore, think he was just trying to prove me wrong

There have been a few dreams, those were a little sad and unsettling.

What signs have you had from your loved ones? I'd love to hear about them.

Roomba, Bitch! ...

Sorry I dont have anything helpful to add, just figured there needed to be a signature "bitch" in there..

 

Personally the BEST one that helped me SO much was the post of taking someone that you trust to see first. That gave me SO SO much peace.

 

That was going to be my plan if they would let us have/see them. Let my cousin look first and let me know if it was ok for me to look at them, or even to just give me the "...it is him". Would be more than I have now, the constant wondering if maybe they got it wrong and he is still out there and can not come home for whatever reason. I just HAVE to know.

I carry around a copy of the police report with me everywhere I go. I have photos from the accident that were taken by a first responder group, I have photos of his car from the wrecking yard.. Call me a collector, call me insane, I don't really care. Everyone's journey is different and their coping techniques are different as well. Hell if I could dig him up and check to see if it is him, I would!

^^^ Yeah, that says it all.

 

LisaPop, trust me, there is a need for some of us accident widow(er)s to see pictures.  I talked to my counselor prior to doing so and she essentially told me that my curiosity was completely normal and that NOT seeing the visuals would likely hurt me more than seeing them since they were so 'top of mind' for me.  Of course every case is different, but I think JacklessSally has a good reason for her curiosity here.

The not knowing I think is what kills us. We spend so much of our time fabricating what happened because it does not make sense to us. My counselor thought it may be a good idea for me to see them, maybe it would bring me some sort of.. relief.

There could be many reasons. Why when there is a horrible accident all the cars drive slow and try to look? Pretty morbid.

Because our reality has been smashed, and now there is no more reality, we don't really know if this is real or not. I am scared to see, but I want to. Every day doesn't seem real. He couldn't die, he promised me he wouldn't. Maybe it is a mistake? Maybe he secretly was kidnapped by the CIA? I need closure, I need to make sure, maybe it will help to move on? Maybe it won't. Maybe it isn't him in the photos and he will come home one day. Maybe they were wrong. Maybe someone has lied to me about what really happened. Maybe the horrible images in my head of me imagining the same thing, picturing the same thing every day when I wake up (when I don't want to) will go away. Maybe it will scar me even more. I want him, I want them to be wrong. I want this to be a complete misunderstanding. Was it painful? Did he look like he was at peace? Were his eyes open? I hope not. There are way more questions, emotions tied into this. The not knowing kills me, the knowing may just kill me more. Being without him kills me, hoping he walks through the door, kills me waiting for him. I just want all the pieces to the puzzle. I want to move on, move forward. Anything I can collect to do this. Will it help, or pull me back. I don't know. That is the problem. I DON"T KNOW.. I am grasping, grasping desperately for ANYTHING.. I want, need and will take anything at this point. I don't know what I want or what I need, but I know it is something, so I will take anything I can get.

KT, you hit the nail on the head so hard here! So many things that are going through my head about my love is in this comment. I have a VERY hard time believing that this is what truely happened. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words when I could not. Thank you *hugs*. I am sorry you are going through this as well dear.

His name was Chad. I call him by his name on this board a lot, I realized the other day rather than DH or LH, I just feel compelled to use his name for this very reason.  Because so many wont.  He was a man tormented by addiction , paralyzed by fear and made many many mistakes.  But He was also a brilliant F-15 Strike Eagle mechanic. He was a big ol softie and wasn't afraid to cry at a sad movie, or over a song. He could be so silly and my kids loved to cut up with him.  He was constant and steady and never once let a day go by without telling me he loved me.  He was doggedly determined not to let me go. He always owned up to his shortcomings.  He would do just about anything anyone ever asked him to do. He was my person and I miss him so very very much.

Carey, your Chad sounds so much like my Blaine.

His name was Blaine, I called him many things over the course of our short life together, I was just happy to call him mine.  At the time of his death he had celebrated 19 months of clean time, after 20 years of addiction this was wonderful . He wore his emotions on his sleeve and would tear up at movies or over music. Music was a big thing for us, if we could not find words to describe an emotion, we could definitely find a song. After life separated us for 9 years, once we were reconnected, he made sure I knew how much he cared about me. He taught me what love was supposed to feel like. Sure he had his imperfections and his short comings, but he would be the first to tell you about them.He had a light about him that even his bi polar disorder could not extinguish. He was a beautiful, poetic, amazing man and I miss him every day.

Thank you ladies.

We are considering going in to the medical examiners office, kicking and screaming asking to just SEE a picture. Promising that we will not photograph or run away with the images.

I reached out to the first responder photography group that posted pictures from the accident. I had reached out to them the night of the accident asking if they would release images of Blaine's car. They said that when the got home, they deleted all of the images because he was still in the vehicle. I wish they had held onto them...

you rent red box movie, you think that you rented two. You only have one in your hand after walking into the grocery store to get food for dinner. It dawns on you that you should have two movies. You go back outside to the machine and there is nothing in the dispenser slot. You rent the movie you are missing, thinking to yourself that you are going to have to pay for the other movie because someone has stolen it..

You check you receipt and find that you really only rented one at a time..

[quote author=Jess (Jezzy)

Anything wrong or additional to add at this time before I post? It can obviously be edited to add or subtract, but I'd like to start it correctly.

MOL = Mother Out of Law (I use this one alot..)

DF = Dear Fiance (For the Non Wed Wids)

Well turns out, I can not have the photos.

I have known this now for about a week. It sucks, it hurts... it makes me keep the thought alive that he is out there. UGH

I think to most of us it means different things.

Some mean dear, some mean departed, some mean dead.

in response to #1

Due to the type of relationship that B and I had, I have often tried to do things that would make him mad, that would make him come back and get me, even if it were just to yell at me for doing it. Little stupid things,nothing huge... not like relapsing.. But I won't clean something the correct way.

uh.. ill see what i can do :-\

Right after the accident I went out to his grave every Sunday. Sundays were our days together. We spent the whole day just doing stuff for us. I spent Christmas Eve night out there, and New Years eve. Both times I wanted to just curl up there and fall asleep next to him, and never wake up..  Then the weather turned bad. There were WEEKS that I couldn't go. I have a hard time believing that he is in that hole in the ground. So recently I have not wanted to go. But, we are finalizing the headstone this week and should have it out there very soon. We are getting a bench out there so I can spend some of the spring and summer days out there. It is beautiful out there. A small country cemetary off the beaten path. He is buried next to a young man who has a rebar cross with his cowboy hat full of shot gun shells. There is even a grave that has a little deer blind built on it (not large enough to store anyone) that they have used as a storage case for knick knacks.

Well.... I'll admit we're still light-years above hate radio. But the simple fact is that only TWO voices have committed to the project. So unless lc and Jenni are going to carry the whole song, we need some sort of recruitment drive. Anyone have any ideas about that?

 

This sounds like a job for - MARKETING! Sally, you still around?

I'm around.. what can I do for you boss man?

There are a few companies who can do this for you. Not sure the charge though.

I just made the sad realization that I am the female version of Will from the Inbetweeners

Oh Gretchen... the only word that can pop to mind is "Brilliant"... I'm sorry love.