JacklessSally

First I want to thank everyone for their suggestions and sharing their stories. I am indebted to everyone that responded. Thank you. You brought to light some view points that I did not consider.

Friday I saw my therapist. This was my first session with her, although I had attended one with my mother out of law shortly after Blaine was killed. I explained to her my situation and she came up with a really awesome suggestion. I needed to find someone that I trust and ask them to view the photos first. Asking them to view them and do one of two things for me. Tell me the photos may be too much for me to look at , but assure me that it was my love in the images, or deem them ok for me to look at myself.

Blaine was not mangled or anything super traumatizing in the accident, his neck was broken and his hip was majorly injured. Other than there there are only 2 lacerations on him. I asked my cousin, who knows how deeply Blaine and I loved each other if he would view the photos for me. He quickly replied "I'd absolutely do that for you". I was relieved when he answered  so positively and so quickly!

Now for the "hard" part.. Picking up the phone and calling the medical examiners office and seeing if there were even photos taken.

Again, thank you to everyone that responded. It means the world.

'A Widow's Song'

- Despite what you might think, we are not stuck living in the past because we hang out with other widows.

- We are not in denial that we lost our spouses and yet, have a life to live for today.

- We know we aren't the same person as before anymore.

- We probably do need counseling- among a lot of other things.

- We occasionally make bad judgements. That's how we learn.

- We know we don't fit 'normal' for you (or us) in the world.

- We know you want us to go back to the person we used to be. We wish that too but it's not happening.

- Maybe we are crazy, if crazy means nothing makes sense anymore. Feeling crazy sends me on an emotional roller coaster which includes both laughing and crying in one sentence.

- We are going to talk about them, have their picture around. Forever. 2 years is not a long time in our world.

- We feel like you over step your boundaries with us. We yearn for your empathy.

- We can't fix this right now for you or for us. We are doing our best to just breathe, eat, sleep, evolve, think and pay our bills.

- We are in pain. Deep pain that can't always be seen on the outside. But believe me, it's in here and it hurts. So much so that I want to vomit over it sometimes.

- We aren't going to cover it up when it rises up. It's not healthy.

- We do our best to help you understand when it makes you feel uncomfortable. But being uncomfortable is only one part of this process.

- We hope that you never feel this way.

- We doubly hope this never happens to you.

- But if it ever does, know this one thing- I won't treat you like this because then, and only then, will we both understand all this without any words spoken.

Please have the utmost patience as I create a new song for the orchestra of my life.

I did not see my fianc?e after he was killed. Because of this, it is very hard for me to believe that he is gone and not out there somewhere..

I am considering reaching out to the medical examiners to see if they will release photos of him from when he was examined. Does anyone know if they will do this?

Last week I went and made dinner for a friend (and her family) who had her leg amputated.

Don't put your return adress on the package

; )

good idea! haha

I am considering sending a bag of dicks to the asshole who hit my fiancee and sent him into oncoming traffic.

Our last conversation via text :

B: " I only took two at first to kill enormous amount of pain"

Me: " Ok"

B: "Sorry"

Me : "For?"

B : "I feel like you are upset with me"

Me: "No no.. just, you said you didnt like the feeling. Just suggesting you take less"

B: "Ok"

That last ok was sent at 6:42 pm. He was gone by 7:03 pm. I hate that he left this world thinking I was mad at him...

The meds he was referring to is the Tramadol that was prescribed to him that morning. It is not to be prescribed to someone who has a drug history. He told me it made him feel dizzy and he didn't feel right. Instead of insisting he stay home, I let him be hard headed and go to work. He never came home.

Fuck that he would have been 27 yesterday. He shouldn't have died at 20 years old. Fuck her for going on about her life like she did not have a hand in killing him.. Fuck that he and my love never got to meet...

*Big squeezy hug, and all the support I can give*

We appreciate all that you have done for us. I wish had better words..

My love and I loved, LOVED Nightmare before Christmas. We both had quite the collection before our little life together. He was and is MY Jack Skellington, and I was his little rag doll Sally. When he died.. I became Jackless all over again.

Pug!

Well actually both of them.

Beagle

or

Bassett

Well poo.. I guess I should have gone in and saved posts. Why did I think i'd have more time? Hasn't widow hood taught me anything?

Blind

 

Killed by snakes or ants?

 

(Too dark?) 

Ugh, both sound terrible..

But snakes may be faster than ants, So ill take snakes.

Go without caffiene for a year

or

go without alcohol for a year

Aww... give it here, you're making me feel bad. You've got more important things to do-- I want my t-shirt!

Production has been delayed for the time being. Hopefully I will get back to it soon.

Dishes!

Blind in one eye.

or

missing a foot?

Just watched it, you did wonderfully.

Sucks that you have to defend yourself to such asshats, but this whole journey has taught me that there are some very idiotic people in the world.

When the cousin of the woman who hit my fiancee's car went online to talk about the accident, he stated that my love tried to pull a U turn in front of her, and it was B's fault his cousin is in the hospital. Never made note of the car that PUSHED my love into on coming traffic. People put together the pieces that the want to, not the ones that actually fit..

Mop and bucket. Who's on clean-up duty? We are NOT letting this place get to the condition our last office was in! I mean it, if someone doesn't volunteer, I'll draw names.

NOT IT! Oh hell, who am I kidding. I'll do it. I don't do much else here.

*stops whatever record is playing, tosses it aside, and puts on Philip Philip's Gone, Gone, Gone on repeat*

"Baby I'm not moving on, Ill love you long after you're gone... "

Just to throw out another possibility - you've heard of "bitchy resting face"?

 

People ask me all the time why I look so pissed off... This is just how my face looks!

This is something I actually am starting to dip into, having NOT been exposed to it growing up. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the movie version of Phantom (the one with Gerard Butler). I've watched it hundreds of times. Same with Les Mis and I've seen Into The Woods movie which I LOVED. Living in eastern NC theres not been many broadway opportunities lol.  Im reading Wicked now and have listened to the soundtrack but would love to see it. Tell me which ones I NEED to get started with, this is something I've always wanted to explore.

Jen, are you on this? Cause I need a homework list as well

In fact... that triggers a sweet memory of my Jim. He was forever making up silly songs about this, that, or the other-- his cats were one of his favorite subjects ("Deck the halls with shaven kitties, fa la la la la... "). After we saw Repo! he started singing (I use the term loosely), "Kittens come in a little glass vial. A little glass vial? A little glass vial, and it's loaded in the gun like a battery... The gun goes off, and you're ready for surgery, surgery. Surgery, surgery... "

 

Lol. I know you had to be there, but it was so insane and adorable. He usually had a cat to use as a prop. Used to crack me up.

OMG that sounds adorable!!! B used to make up very Suessian poems or little songs. We had very silly men!

I LOVED Hans Christen Anderson as a kid! I so want to watch it right now.. Hide under my covers and pretend im less than 10 again.

Ever seen some "alt" musicals, like Repo! The Genetic Opera or Devil's Carnival?

That is some amazing stuff you have there!!!

Right after B's accident I began to panic because I had a white elephant gift that I needed to hand make before December 20th (We laid B to rest on November 19th)

I had not done cross stitch in a VERY long time and it shows, but it was nice to get something completed.. Now if only I could start another project ..

There are several musicals that are classics that I have not seen yet, (pretty much everyone that you awesome people have mentioned). That being said, I was raised watching Danny Kaye musicals and Les Mis... Interesting mix huh.

The link is NOT a boost your mood song, so please use discretion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljijk2T8zV4

For a long time I have had to tune out this part of the production because it had made me think of a friend of mine from high school who over dosed, and then to the friends over the years that I just lost contact with. Now it has a far far different meaning to me.

If I could drink caffeine, I would choose latte. A whit chocolate moch latte :-)

 

If you had someone to forever do your laundry or wash your dishes, what do you choose?

Dishes.. I do not mind doing laundry.

Desk job making crap $$ (Monday through Friday 9-5)

or

Retail job making tons of $$ (no set schedule, work every holiday)

Major props to AC and Sally for recognizing Flogging Molly as the source! Both of you are entitled to a t-shirt; as soon as I get laundry done, I'll send one to you. If hygiene is an issue, you have the right to refuse your prize.

Boss man. Speakin of shirts, I got some info to send ya. I need your approval