JacklessSally

@fuchsiasky My fiancee was also legally married to his ex at the time of his death. We did not know they were still married until September of 2014, and he was killed in November. He had only re-signed the paperwork like.. 21 days prior to when he was killed. So they are still legally married and he is legally her widow..

Fuck Jan 26th... NationalSpouseDay... great reminder that my love and I couldnt get married before some asshole took his life.Thanks for reminding me i'm alone, and he is gone. Stupid made up calendar bullshit. (Sorry if that sounds terrible for all you lovely people who had the married life, I'm just bitter)

Fuck that tomorrow, he will have been dead longer than we were together....

First time posting in this thread Post angelversary slump, just hanging out in his hoodie in bed with the dog.

The 1 year mark was yesterday. I stayed home from work and stayed in bed a little later than my therapist suggested. At night, his mother and I went out to the cemetary and released two sky lanterns for him.

Fuck November. 2 years ago you brought me the love of my life. A year ago, you ripped him from me. Fuck you November.

The year is coming up quickly. I have taken the day off from work and plan on being a lazy bum and dealing with the emotions as they come. I will be alone the night before and into the day, I am not looking forward to that part. I've been pretty numb for the last several months with the exception of small outbursts of emotions. I am afraid that I will be a useless blubbering mess in bed all day.

Fuck the fact that today we should have been getting married..

I celebrated with family (mine and Blaine's) on Friday with dinner. Today I worked and slapped on a happy face until I was on the way home and started to cry. They threw a party for me at work, my owners are kinda like adoptive parents, they wanted to make sure I felt special.

Today is my 30th birthday. Ive cried off and on for the last week thinking about today. I do not want to face today. I do not want to be starting the next decade of my life without him. I got to celebrate his 40th birthday with him, why didn't he get to celebrate my 30th birthday with me. Of course I am happy we got to celebrate my 29th birthday together. It is a memory I will cling onto, but I cant help but feel like all of this shit is unfair. All I want for my birthday is for him to come home..

In Blaine's 20's he had a child, he and his girlfriend gave their son up for adoption. When his son would have been turning 18, Blaine decided to get clean and start a new life. He hoped that his son would come looking for him. The day of Blaine's funeral my SOOL and I found Blaine's son on FB... A few months ago my MOOL for up the nerve to call him. Spencer was sobbing he was so excited that he was found by his father's family. My MOOL did not tell him that Blaine had been killed. Last night the house phone rang and it was Spencer's adoptive mother. Blaine's mom and her talked for a while and my MOOL had to break the news that Blaine had been killed... My poor MOOL sobbed all night.. She was finally able to have a relationship with her only grandson, but it took losing her oldest child to do so. How I wish I could reverse time and found Spencer when Blaine was still alive. All of this has sent us all back down the grief hole. It's insane how something so amazing like being reunited with family can be so utterly heartbreaking .

This was two weekends ago for me. We had been decorating my fiancee's grave since day one, but now that the stone is there makes it way harder to trick myself into thinking this isn't really happening. ((big hugs))

I can't stop crying Grief and Recovery, A compassionate guide. by John D. Martin & Frank D Ferris

1- Yah for bring me the horizon! 2. I guess I need to listen to this song now.

Jen, when you were first going through this, I didn't understand. As his death date gets farther and farther away.. I am starting to seriously get it. ((big hug)) I'm just a text away.

A pretty decent head on view, it was a little wet so some of it is hard to see. There is a "hidden" message in the moon. It is our initials and the start and end date to our short lived life together. A full view of the slab we put together this weekend and most of his decorations. You cant see the sun and moon windchime, and a heart wind thing.. haha

you know I appreciate the hugs, and the kind words when I sent the picture yesterday. Thank you.

in 9 days it will be 6 months since my beautiful man was killed. It is hard to believe that much time has passed already. This weekend his parents and I went to install his headstone. On Saturday (which would have been a special anniversary for us, if he had survived) we went out to the cemetery to talk to the grounds keeper and make sure what we were doing was ok. There was a rather chatty older gentleman who was there (it was decoration day, so they were having a big shindig). He first confused me for a child still in high school (I would be 30 this year..) then asked a bunch of questions about my tattoo and my gauged ears, and poked fun at my nose ring. Mind you, I was not in the mood for some older man to be picking on me. Then he drops this bomb on me "So, you got a boyfriend?" Over the course of our conversation with him, B's mom mentioned a few times that we were out there to set her son's stone.. Apparently he did not catch on, or perhaps they thought she and I were related. Either way, his question felt like a knife in the heart. I couldn't help myself "Yeah,, he is the reason we are out here, he is over there" *Points to B's plot. I couldn't hold it in anymore, I just walked off sobbing. Apparently the guy felt so bad, he left crying. Is it wrong that I do not really have much sympathy for him being upset? He should have asked who we were out there for, before running his mouth. We left shortly after because we did not want to be building Blaine's headstone setting with all these other people around. Saturday night we returned and began the build. It was actually pretty cathartic. One more thing we did for him. We, as a family, built that monument to him. His mom and I joked about all sorts of stuff, trying to lighten the mood. A woman came by and asked what we were doing, she hung out with us for a little bit and asked us about the process and where the stone was cut. We left the concrete to cure overnight. Saturday night, I was messaging back and forth with a guy I met at a party. There is no interest there, I'm not ready to even CONSIDER dating, but sometimes ya just need someone to talk to. The subject of my weight came up and I was essentially told "yeah.. you could use to lose some weight". If something like this were said to me before I met B and before he instilled some sort of self esteem and self worth into me, this would have sent me into a tail spin. Instead I walked into the living room and had a talk with B's mom about this A-hole. B taught me what it felt like to be loved for me, for all of me. He loved me from my fat, to my mood swings, to my baggage from previous relationships. No matter how lonely I get, I will not fall for anything less than someone who truely cares and loves me for all of me. Sunday afternoon, we went to remove the frame and redecorate. It came out BEAUTIFUL. We could not be more pleased. I may post a picture if anyone would like to see it. It was nice to have another big item checked off the list, but now it just feels more real. Like he really is in there, and he really is not coming back. May is going to be a roller coaster, between my parent's birthdays, my late grandfather's birthday, and several special dates, including hitting 6 months since B left.. Thankfully I have you guys, and a great online support group for unwed widows. Otherwise I think i'd drive myself crazy(er).

I feel the same.. I hope there is an afterlife, and that he is looking out for me. I need him

I posted a few weeks ago that I think it is finally setting in for me that he is not coming back. Then again, I don't know if I were ever emotionally accept that fact. I'm 14 days shy of 6 months out. I'm rational as all get out, when I want to be. I know in my mind that he is gone, he did indeed die, and that hole in the ground is where he is.. My heart refuses to believe any of it.

I was just telling my friend yesterday that I wish I had done something like this haha

your boyfriends interpretation brought tears to my eyes. I bet he is right!

B and I were weird.. but this is too far.. even for us.

At the time it didn't matter if they would understand. Everyone was giving such glorious speeches about the people they spent years and nearly decades with, and there I was, still very fresh in my loss dealing with having to say the b word or the f word in front of a bunch of widows... Widows who could legally call them selves that.

I found one that was a group of younger people (I was still the youngest at 29). But they had all been married for at least a year or two before their spouses passed. We had a "Bring a picture of your spouse" meeting, and I followed the directions, but when it came to be my turn, the idea of having to say "This is my boyfriend" or "This is my fiancee" instead of husband like everyone else got to, made me freak out. Not to mention I was just barely at 3 months, and his birthday had been a few days prior to the meeting. I have not returned to an in person meeting since