cmf

Hi Everyone, I thought I would pass this along in case it is useful to anyone. On Saturday April 30 (this Saturday) is a National Drug Take Back at sites across the U.S. You can go to this website: http://www.deadiversion.usdoj.gov/drug_disposal/takeback/ to find a site near year. This was both immensely helpful and immensely painful after V died. He died at home unexpectedly after a very short ordeal with cancer, which meant I had a house full of prescription drugs that no one would take off my hands (legally). Eight months after he died I found out about the Drug Take Back Day, I think from the old site. I gathered everything up, including his pill box that I loaded up the night before he died in anticipation of another week, drove to the take back site in tears, handed over more pills than any one person should have to some very nice police officers, and then drove home, still in tears, and went back to bed for the rest of the weekend. I pass this along now in case anyone finds themselves in the same situation. I think it only happens once a year, in the U.S. so even if you don't feel ready, this may be one task to push through. All the best. _____________________________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

I wrote a somewhat lengthy post when the motherboard went out on my computer in December, and then deleted it because it felt silly, but as always the board reminds me that I am not alone in my feelings. I did a fair bit of research before I settled, and I say I settled rather than decided because it was an arduous process of not getting all that I wanted. Let me know if I can help, with my limited knowledge. ----------------------------------- VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

CJF Five years felt like a huge thing to me last August when I hit that milestone. The passing of time never stops amazing me. How is it that we have continued to live forward from the days when minutes or hours seemed impossible? I do hope you can move from thinking of yourself as damaged to thinking of yourself as surviving and in fact thriving, from the sounds of your post. Congratulations on your daughter's success and engagement, as well as your son's upcoming college search. All of that is amazing! I wish you peace for the anniversary day, gratitude for what you have, and hope for what is yet to come. -------------------------------------------- VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

ieh21 you sound good. Five years is so incredibly long. Another lifetime ago, and yet there is the physical evidence that it did exist. I remember hearing someone in the first year talk about living forward, and it sounds as though that is exactly what you are doing, though what choice do we really have? It is strange to think back 10 years, 5 years before tragedy befell us, and how we hadn't a clue what the next five years would bring. When asked this morning what I was going to do today, I replied that I was going to get up. In the moment it didn't strike me as a very profound answer, but now as I read your post it seems that the act of getting up, and in doing so day after day for five years is the simplest form of living forward, but so meaningful to choose to live and not be swallowed by the grief and the sadness and the anger despite the enormity of it all. All the best my friend, as always. _______________________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Thank you both! This is why I love our little part of the web here... I can ask anything and get a thoughtful answer. _____________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

I think our bodies have some sort of clock, and the body just remembers from the season or the way the sun rises at the same angle or the same pollen is in the air. It is visceral. Am thinking of you. Hugs. _______________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Maybe my widda people can help me make sense of this... I pasted below the text of an email I wrote to the leader of our women's group at church, but haven't sent yet, and maybe won't. The topic of our October meeting is about death and how it can inform our living, or something equally goofy. I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate to how I feel, or if it is me just being sensitive? There is some random church-specific stuff that probably won't make sense. The second paragraph is the main one. I would be interested to hear others' thoughts. I hope you're well. I've not added my voice to the discussion about the re-purposing of women's group previously, and I hesitate to do so now as I don't really have any suggestions for change, but merely comments/concerns about what is, which I recognize as not at all helpful, and possibly annoying. I stopped coming to women's group because of one specific person, and comments she made to me over the course of several months, which weren't made out of malice, but more likely cluelessness. Every month I think I will come back to rejoin the group, and had intentions to do so in October (for at least half the meeting since I do have Peter's journey group the same night), but then I read the topic in Looking Ahead and once again immediately knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable, and I wonder if there are others who might feel the same way. I will keep this brief, but I guess I do have to say it: I don't know of any conversation that can inform the way we die. The description of October's meeting reads to me as though death is a lovely experience surrounded by those we love as we quietly drift off to a sleep from which we will not wake, when the experience of death can more often than not be quite terrifying both for the person actively dying as well as the people standing by helplessly watching, screaming at EMS wondering if oxygen is getting to their loved one's brain, and then sinking to the floor in sheer terror upon the realization that the call to Brackenridge isn't to give advanced warning of a loved one's arrival, but to seek permission from the ER doctor to cease CPR. It isn't a vast array of questions and possibilities. It is just really horrible, and the most terrifying thing that I have ever experienced, and I just don't understand the intellectualizing of death except as a way to put distance between ourselves and our own impending deaths. I suppose one might argue that there is no better place to have such a conversation than in a room full of supportive women in a house of worship, and I could very well be alone with my thoughts, but I guess I wanted you to know that there are reasons much beyond scheduling that have kept me from women's group, and that makes me sad at the start of nearly every month. --------------------------------------------- VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Have you tried EMDR? For a long time I had panic inducing nightmares and then a combination of EMDR and the medicine prazosin helped me immensely. It is a BP medicine that has been studied for a very long time with vets who have PTSD related nightmares. There is a lot of info about it on VA websites about PTSD treatment, and also the Mayo Clinic website. I printed off all of the research for my doc, and he still wouldn't give it to me because it is a very old school medicine, but when I went to see a psychiatrist it was the first thing she mentioned so it is a well known and effective treatment among doctors who work in this field, though maybe not among generalists. _____________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Hi Duckie I was just thinking about you the other day, and now here you are. I've had the same 5 years wtf moments myself. Today marks 5 years since the memorial service. It is a total mind f***. I have no idea have 5 years have gone by for any of us. The kitten is adorable, I'm sure. I've never thought much about moving on, but rather living forward. It sounds as though you are doing that, just not in the way that other people expect or maybe want for you. It is your path and if you feel like a change is in order then move in that direction, but if you're happy/content with the life you've made for yourself from the ashes then enjoy what you have and be proud of yourself for coming so far. All the best. ___________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

I don't know what else to say. I have no earthly idea how five years have passed. It isn't soul crushing any longer. My life is totally different now. Most days in a good way, but other days I miss my old life so much it stops me in my tracks. I went to his memorial stone this morning with some flowers and my breakfast. It is on our city's hike and bike trail so it isn't a cemetery setting, but out among people enjoying their daily run. I'm not sure if I'm actually allowed to leave flowers, but I do every year. More than anything I want him to be remembered because he was an awesome person and did so much with his too few days on this earth. I am blessed that he shared them with me. ______________________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Four years ago today I scattered DH's ashes. It has weighed heavily on me all day. He was fairly specific about where he wanted to be--the old growth rain forest of Olympic National Park. It took nearly a year after his death to get him there. Our very dear friend, who has scattered too many people's ashes given his age, my brother, and I hiked a day and a half into the rain forest. We found a really beautiful spot not too far off the trail and I would say dumped out the bag more than scattered at the base of a lovely tree. I took a picture and grabbed the GPS coordinates, though I am confident I will never return. I buried a stone plaque next to the tree with his name, the years of his life, and a poem by Pablo Neruda etched on the stone. We did have a permit for the ashes. I understand some national parks will issue permits and others will not. It may even depend on who you talk with on a given day. We didn't stay at the spot for long. After hiking back to the campsite, we had a shot of tequila and burned the bag that contained the ashes along with some tequila. It went about as well as could be expected. It was somewhat difficult for me because it was the fulfillment of the last promise I made to him. After getting him to where he wanted to be there was nothing left for me to do for him, but as I have said many times since then he may not be in a better place, but he is certainly in a pretty place. I sent a picture of the tree to his oncologist as a thank you present for all that he did. I later heard that the picture hangs in one of the exam rooms and has brightened the day of many patients, though I doubt they know the significance of the tree. From my years of hearing about people's experiences with ashes, the only thing I can say with certainty is that everyone will have a different experience with the task. I hope it brings you peace. ________________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

How on earth have five years passed? June 1, 2010. V. went off in the morning to have an MRI (or maybe it was a CT? it seems I've forgotten some details) for what the doctor was certain was really bad bronchitis. I went home at lunch to see him, already worried and already knowing it wasn't really bad bronchitis. He was on the couch with an appointment to see the doctor again that afternoon. I said I would go with him. When we got to the doctor V. insisted that I only come back if it was something really bad so I waited, but within 60 seconds of him going back the doctor called me back as well. Has a doctor ever called anyone back? The doctor explained to us that there was a mass in his lungs that might be terminal. On a random June 1 day, a primary care doc told us that he was likely terminal. The oncologist the next day told us to pray it was lymphoma, but it wasn't. Stage IV lung cancer at age 50. Dead 11 weeks and five days later. I feel this day in my chest, in my heart, like a brick, or more likely an elephant sitting on me. Five years have passed since that miserable day and I still feel it like I was sitting in the doctor's office that horrible day. There isn't much to say, but I had to say it somewhere. Screaming it from my office rooftop or on a street corner didn't seem like the best option so I am here, forever grateful for here. _________________________ 11/8/59-8/22/10

You will be in my prayers this evening, and going forward. You are very courageous and can do this. ___________________________ 11/8/59-8/22/10

Congratulations! You're not screwing them up, I promise. ____________________________ 11/8/59-8/22/10

Definitely do not take this personally. You are awesome, and I feel I can say this since we've "known" each other for four plus years to hell and back. This particular guy was incredibly rude. My one, and only thought, that **might** make a difference, and this isn't you, this is how people setting you up present you, is to not lead off with "the tragedy." While Joe's death was, and is, a tragedy, it isn't how you should be characterized to people meeting you for the first time. The language is interesting here: "her husband died" vs. "she is a widow" or "she was widowed," I think creates a difference between something that happened to you vs who you are. Does that make sense? I say this knowing your timeline, and that it has been 4+ years. I think as your healing has evolved, the language to describe what happened also changes. ********************************************* VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10