cmf

Hi Everyone, I thought I would pass this along in case it is useful to anyone. On Saturday April 30 (this Saturday) is a National Drug Take Back at sites across the U.S. You can go to this website: http://www.deadiversion.usdoj.gov/drug_disposal/takeback/ to find a site near year. This was both immensely helpful and immensely painful after V died. He died at home unexpectedly after a very short ordeal with cancer, which meant I had a house full of prescription drugs that no one would take off my hands (legally). Eight months after he died I found out about the Drug Take Back Day, I think from the old site. I gathered everything up, including his pill box that I loaded up the night before he died in anticipation of another week, drove to the take back site in tears, handed over more pills than any one person should have to some very nice police officers, and then drove home, still in tears, and went back to bed for the rest of the weekend. I pass this along now in case anyone finds themselves in the same situation. I think it only happens once a year, in the U.S. so even if you don't feel ready, this may be one task to push through. All the best. _____________________________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

I wrote a somewhat lengthy post when the motherboard went out on my computer in December, and then deleted it because it felt silly, but as always the board reminds me that I am not alone in my feelings. I did a fair bit of research before I settled, and I say I settled rather than decided because it was an arduous process of not getting all that I wanted. Let me know if I can help, with my limited knowledge. ----------------------------------- VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

CJF Five years felt like a huge thing to me last August when I hit that milestone. The passing of time never stops amazing me. How is it that we have continued to live forward from the days when minutes or hours seemed impossible? I do hope you can move from thinking of yourself as damaged to thinking of yourself as surviving and in fact thriving, from the sounds of your post. Congratulations on your daughter's success and engagement, as well as your son's upcoming college search. All of that is amazing! I wish you peace for the anniversary day, gratitude for what you have, and hope for what is yet to come. -------------------------------------------- VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

ieh21 you sound good. Five years is so incredibly long. Another lifetime ago, and yet there is the physical evidence that it did exist. I remember hearing someone in the first year talk about living forward, and it sounds as though that is exactly what you are doing, though what choice do we really have? It is strange to think back 10 years, 5 years before tragedy befell us, and how we hadn't a clue what the next five years would bring. When asked this morning what I was going to do today, I replied that I was going to get up. In the moment it didn't strike me as a very profound answer, but now as I read your post it seems that the act of getting up, and in doing so day after day for five years is the simplest form of living forward, but so meaningful to choose to live and not be swallowed by the grief and the sadness and the anger despite the enormity of it all. All the best my friend, as always. _______________________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Thank you both! This is why I love our little part of the web here... I can ask anything and get a thoughtful answer. _____________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

I think our bodies have some sort of clock, and the body just remembers from the season or the way the sun rises at the same angle or the same pollen is in the air. It is visceral. Am thinking of you. Hugs. _______________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Maybe my widda people can help me make sense of this... I pasted below the text of an email I wrote to the leader of our women's group at church, but haven't sent yet, and maybe won't. The topic of our October meeting is about death and how it can inform our living, or something equally goofy. I'm just wondering if anyone else can relate to how I feel, or if it is me just being sensitive? There is some random church-specific stuff that probably won't make sense. The second paragraph is the main one. I would be interested to hear others' thoughts. I hope you're well. I've not added my voice to the discussion about the re-purposing of women's group previously, and I hesitate to do so now as I don't really have any suggestions for change, but merely comments/concerns about what is, which I recognize as not at all helpful, and possibly annoying. I stopped coming to women's group because of one specific person, and comments she made to me over the course of several months, which weren't made out of malice, but more likely cluelessness. Every month I think I will come back to rejoin the group, and had intentions to do so in October (for at least half the meeting since I do have Peter's journey group the same night), but then I read the topic in Looking Ahead and once again immediately knew that I wouldn't feel comfortable, and I wonder if there are others who might feel the same way. I will keep this brief, but I guess I do have to say it: I don't know of any conversation that can inform the way we die. The description of October's meeting reads to me as though death is a lovely experience surrounded by those we love as we quietly drift off to a sleep from which we will not wake, when the experience of death can more often than not be quite terrifying both for the person actively dying as well as the people standing by helplessly watching, screaming at EMS wondering if oxygen is getting to their loved one's brain, and then sinking to the floor in sheer terror upon the realization that the call to Brackenridge isn't to give advanced warning of a loved one's arrival, but to seek permission from the ER doctor to cease CPR. It isn't a vast array of questions and possibilities. It is just really horrible, and the most terrifying thing that I have ever experienced, and I just don't understand the intellectualizing of death except as a way to put distance between ourselves and our own impending deaths. I suppose one might argue that there is no better place to have such a conversation than in a room full of supportive women in a house of worship, and I could very well be alone with my thoughts, but I guess I wanted you to know that there are reasons much beyond scheduling that have kept me from women's group, and that makes me sad at the start of nearly every month. --------------------------------------------- VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Have you tried EMDR? For a long time I had panic inducing nightmares and then a combination of EMDR and the medicine prazosin helped me immensely. It is a BP medicine that has been studied for a very long time with vets who have PTSD related nightmares. There is a lot of info about it on VA websites about PTSD treatment, and also the Mayo Clinic website. I printed off all of the research for my doc, and he still wouldn't give it to me because it is a very old school medicine, but when I went to see a psychiatrist it was the first thing she mentioned so it is a well known and effective treatment among doctors who work in this field, though maybe not among generalists. _____________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Hi Duckie I was just thinking about you the other day, and now here you are. I've had the same 5 years wtf moments myself. Today marks 5 years since the memorial service. It is a total mind f***. I have no idea have 5 years have gone by for any of us. The kitten is adorable, I'm sure. I've never thought much about moving on, but rather living forward. It sounds as though you are doing that, just not in the way that other people expect or maybe want for you. It is your path and if you feel like a change is in order then move in that direction, but if you're happy/content with the life you've made for yourself from the ashes then enjoy what you have and be proud of yourself for coming so far. All the best. ___________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

I don't know what else to say. I have no earthly idea how five years have passed. It isn't soul crushing any longer. My life is totally different now. Most days in a good way, but other days I miss my old life so much it stops me in my tracks. I went to his memorial stone this morning with some flowers and my breakfast. It is on our city's hike and bike trail so it isn't a cemetery setting, but out among people enjoying their daily run. I'm not sure if I'm actually allowed to leave flowers, but I do every year. More than anything I want him to be remembered because he was an awesome person and did so much with his too few days on this earth. I am blessed that he shared them with me. ______________________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Four years ago today I scattered DH's ashes. It has weighed heavily on me all day. He was fairly specific about where he wanted to be--the old growth rain forest of Olympic National Park. It took nearly a year after his death to get him there. Our very dear friend, who has scattered too many people's ashes given his age, my brother, and I hiked a day and a half into the rain forest. We found a really beautiful spot not too far off the trail and I would say dumped out the bag more than scattered at the base of a lovely tree. I took a picture and grabbed the GPS coordinates, though I am confident I will never return. I buried a stone plaque next to the tree with his name, the years of his life, and a poem by Pablo Neruda etched on the stone. We did have a permit for the ashes. I understand some national parks will issue permits and others will not. It may even depend on who you talk with on a given day. We didn't stay at the spot for long. After hiking back to the campsite, we had a shot of tequila and burned the bag that contained the ashes along with some tequila. It went about as well as could be expected. It was somewhat difficult for me because it was the fulfillment of the last promise I made to him. After getting him to where he wanted to be there was nothing left for me to do for him, but as I have said many times since then he may not be in a better place, but he is certainly in a pretty place. I sent a picture of the tree to his oncologist as a thank you present for all that he did. I later heard that the picture hangs in one of the exam rooms and has brightened the day of many patients, though I doubt they know the significance of the tree. From my years of hearing about people's experiences with ashes, the only thing I can say with certainty is that everyone will have a different experience with the task. I hope it brings you peace. ________________________________ VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

How on earth have five years passed? June 1, 2010. V. went off in the morning to have an MRI (or maybe it was a CT? it seems I've forgotten some details) for what the doctor was certain was really bad bronchitis. I went home at lunch to see him, already worried and already knowing it wasn't really bad bronchitis. He was on the couch with an appointment to see the doctor again that afternoon. I said I would go with him. When we got to the doctor V. insisted that I only come back if it was something really bad so I waited, but within 60 seconds of him going back the doctor called me back as well. Has a doctor ever called anyone back? The doctor explained to us that there was a mass in his lungs that might be terminal. On a random June 1 day, a primary care doc told us that he was likely terminal. The oncologist the next day told us to pray it was lymphoma, but it wasn't. Stage IV lung cancer at age 50. Dead 11 weeks and five days later. I feel this day in my chest, in my heart, like a brick, or more likely an elephant sitting on me. Five years have passed since that miserable day and I still feel it like I was sitting in the doctor's office that horrible day. There isn't much to say, but I had to say it somewhere. Screaming it from my office rooftop or on a street corner didn't seem like the best option so I am here, forever grateful for here. _________________________ 11/8/59-8/22/10

You will be in my prayers this evening, and going forward. You are very courageous and can do this. ___________________________ 11/8/59-8/22/10

Congratulations! You're not screwing them up, I promise. ____________________________ 11/8/59-8/22/10

Definitely do not take this personally. You are awesome, and I feel I can say this since we've "known" each other for four plus years to hell and back. This particular guy was incredibly rude. My one, and only thought, that **might** make a difference, and this isn't you, this is how people setting you up present you, is to not lead off with "the tragedy." While Joe's death was, and is, a tragedy, it isn't how you should be characterized to people meeting you for the first time. The language is interesting here: "her husband died" vs. "she is a widow" or "she was widowed," I think creates a difference between something that happened to you vs who you are. Does that make sense? I say this knowing your timeline, and that it has been 4+ years. I think as your healing has evolved, the language to describe what happened also changes. ********************************************* VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

That is a lot of change to take on, and it does sound rough and hard. I've read several posts from you, both here and at the old site (have become much more of a lurker than a poster approaching 5 years), and I really feel for you. DH and I did not have an ideal relationship. I don't talk about this much, or even think about it, really. He struggled with depression. He had a crazy job that made him miserable. But I had friends, a solid job, and my own activities. About two months before he was diagnosed we had an argument about loading the dishwasher and that was it for me. I was done--over the very, very silly dishwasher. I was done with his depression and how it affected me. I was done with how unhappy his job made him and how it affected me. I walked out and stayed away for about three hours. I'm pretty sure that was a Sunday and even though I came home that night we didn't speak until the next evening. He told me that if I was so unhappy with him and our life that I needed to go, that he wanted me to be happy and if I wasn't I needed to figure out where and how I could be. He also said that he may not love me the way that I needed to be loved, but he did love me. I don't know if it was a band aid fix or if we really were changing direction. In retrospect, I think, eventually, I would have needed to be loved the way that I needed, not the way that he could. 2 months later he was diagnosed with cancer, and 11 weeks after that he was dead. Sometimes I think that the flare up with his depression was really the cancer taking hold, and I do feel guilty, but then I remember the troubles with depression went back a long time, long before the cancer. It is very difficult to live with someone in the throes of depression. It is even more difficult to do so when your whole world is unfamiliar to you, and the usual comforts are gone. Whatever you decide to do it is your life and you deserve to be happy, to not struggle daily, and to find joy in the everyday. ********************************************** VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Ha... what a novel idea! It is just stuff, and it needs to find a new home. Until then I think leaving it in boxes at my Dad's house is the path of least resistance. ******************************* VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Two weeks after V died I went to my mom's house for a week, and from there left for Europe for a month. I know that was a luxury to have had the time and money to do so, but it was absolutely necessary for me to get out of our house and away from here. V died suddenly and unexpectedly on our kitchen floor resulting from complications from his cancer treatment. It was a long time before I could even go in the kitchen without having a panic attack so leaving was the best thing for me at the time. I had this lunatic idea that I would walk the Thames path from the source to the Thames Barrier east of London. I think it is 90 miles or so, and I was going to do it by myself over the course of 10 days to start out my trip. I did not have the physical or emotional strength to do this after being his caregiver. A very wise friend emailed me after my first day of walking to say that it was OK if I didn't walk the entire way. His words released me from what would have been a disastrous experience. So instead of walking I took buses and trains, and eventually a boat to follow the river. After the "walk" I spent time in London with my best friend from childhood, some time in France, and then eventually came home. The house was still empty and V was still dead, but there were seven weeks between his death and my return home. It caused a lot of friction with his family that I "ran off" on "vacation," but it was the only thing I knew to do. I know that sounds very odd, but with my life experience and the life V and I shared it truly was the only thing to do. ************************************* VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

The past few weeks have been tough. I've been in the midst of moving into our new house with my new husband, and have been away from computers and without internet access for much of the time since the closure of YWBB was announced and now. I copied my first post from YWBB to post in the intro section here, but that was all I had time for in the midst of the chaos of the move. I am sad to have lost my history, and our collective wisdom. I didn't post much (at all, really) at YWBB any longer, but I did read almost daily, and have continued to do so here on my phone as time has allowed. So before I get to my particular issue/question, a huge thank you to everyone who had a part in getting this place started. As I said I am in the midst of moving into our new house with my new husband. This is a long time coming. I sold my house 18 months ago (if anyone remembers), and much of my stuff has been in boxes for that time. But also all of V's things have been in boxes for that period as well. Things I couldn't imagine giving to charity or even shredding 18 months ago, I now wonder what to do with. I can't say that I want to unpack his clothes in my new house, or even keep boxes of his stuff in closets, but a huge massive purge also seems wrong. My new husband hung the pieces of his wife's clothing that he still has in our guest closet. It seems very strange to me to hang V's clothes next to L's clothes--a closet of dead people's clothing just doesn't seem right, and then their clothing is sharing a closet just as my clothing shares the closet with my new husband? I know the obvious answer is to just keep it in the storage box in the garage or closet or wherever, out of sight out of mind. And maybe that is the best solution. What seemed so important to me 18 months ago, just isn't any more, but I also don't know that I want to reopen the memories and unleash the emotions in the midst of this happy time of us finally being in our house. Thoughts? ******************************** VDS 11/8/59-8/22/10

Hi all, I wrote this in 2010 on ywbb, and thought it might be easier on me to cut and paste rather than rewrite my history, which means all dates refer to 2010. *********************************************************** This is so hard to write. On May 24 Val and I were eating dinner together as always when he coughed a little harder than usual. He spit something out and had the most awful look on his face. ?Was that blood?? I asked him, knowing the answer and not wanting to hear it. He went to the doctor the next day. The doc thought it might be bronchitis, but wanted to do a CT to make sure. A week later we were in the oncologist?s office and he told us to pray that it was lymphoma. Who says that? He put Val in the hospital for five nights to monitor since the tumor was pressing on his superior vena cava and cutting off the blood return from his upper body. 10 radiation treatments, 3 stents in his vena cava, and 3 chemo cycles later the treatment was working and the cancer was shrinking everywhere, and it was everywhere except his brain. 10 days after we got the good news that it was working he died. One of his tumors dislodged in his lung and took his artery with it. He bled to death on our kitchen floor on Sunday morning, August 22. 11 weeks and five days after we learned he had cancer. After that everything is a fog. I am 14 weeks and 5 days into this process. I am lost, wandering around in the wilderness expecting to find him. I can?t imagine how Christmas will be. Thanksgiving was awful. I ran a Turkey Trot with a friend and her family. They did nothing but complain for the entire run, before they decided to quit a half-mile from the finish. All I wanted to do was yell at them that the only reason I was there was because Val was dead and could they please just be quiet. I didn?t, and I hate feeling so hostile towards people. Anyway, it is nice to know that I am not alone in this, though I wish none of us were here and hadn?t needed to find each other. ********************************************** Back to 2015 I echo what I said then it is nice to know that I am not alone in this, though I wish none of us were here and hadn't needed to find each other.

I wondered the same thing. Is this the opportunity to go? The board shut down on Friday and it was my birthday on Sunday so it almost seemed like a good transition time, but then I felt out of sorts and sad, and then so happy when I learned of the first new board, and more so with this second new board as it does seem really nice. And it is also so nice to see familiar names of those a bit further along than me. I've had an exhausting day so my thoughts aren't as coherent now, but I did want to say something, and will be back in the days/weeks to come. All the best to everyone. cmf