Mizpah

Maybe I'm being dense and really not getting it at all, so if I offend, forgive me. But to me, this *is* YWBB, just at another location. Are people intentionally not migrating over? Have we lost people?

Most of my widow friends have recoupled and most of them are (happily) with non-widowers. Some met far out, some men soon after, some were instantly in love, some gradually fell in love, etc., etc. (I am with a widower, and it is NOT easy, it's the most difficult and complicated and work-intensive and patience-requiring relationship I've ever been in. Not sure if it's because he's a widower or because he's who he is....)

I definitely don't think it's too much to hope for a quick hey how are you, especially since he knew you were down. But I've been told I'm needy - I HATE this word. I just hope that people (especially those in intimate partnerships of two) would have each other's back and express concern and support always about everything. It's natural and instinctive to me to do these things, and isn't even something I have to think about, it's reflexive. But I'm a woman and come from a really communicative, (overly?) loving family, and my relationship with DH was the most extraordinarily close and happy I've ever witnessed, so I'm spoiled. My current boyfriend has asked me how I'm doing maybe 10 times in the past year and a half, and that includes a pregnancy, half of which we did long distance! I think (some) men just aren't as up in our $hit as we are in theirs - do we care more? Maybe. When I've brought it up, he's so annoyed by the whole thing and always wonders and asks why I don't just bring up what I want to talk about or just tell him how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, how my day was, etc. (I'm not the kind of person who just talks about myself when it's unsolicited.) I do see his point, but I see mine too. A long-winded way of saying I totally get wanting your partner to express concern. I also am very familiar with the opposite of that! Bear, I wish all men would do what you do (apologize) - it's not universal by a long shot.

I feel for you, SJ. I too was unmarried, and am now in a relationship with a widower whose story sounds so similar to yours. He was raising his late fiancee's two sons with her, and when she died, he lost them. He too was overwhelmed by his life (had a son of his own, dogs, a house, etc.) and also seems to "cope" by way of a very committed avoidance method. Life is brutal, huh? Rebuilding a life (and re-finding my own center) is something I've only been able to do with lots of talking and lots of facing of things I wish were not so, mostly with the help of other widows. I hope you can find some peace and solace - wishing you strength!

So glad to see the old names transfer, and know this place will be here for people the way it was back when I was raw and devastated and desperate for understanding. I'm Rachel. I was 32 (almost 4 years ago now) when my Simon was standing on a sidewalk in NYC and killed by a car accident that left the roadway - he was 28. We only had three years together, but they were extraordinary years with intensity that never faded. We'd been about to start our family, and were living in a happy bubble of obsessive love. I spent the first year or two grieving very very intensely, and at two years started to come back to life. I tended to reach out to newer widows to "pay it forward," all the amazing support I'd gotten here and in real life, and when I did that once with a widower I heard about, we ended up meeting up and having a crazy (and long distance) fantasy fling, falling in love, and then I moved north to the middle of nowhere to be with him and have his baby - she's 9 1/2 months old now, our double-widow baby. It's not all rainbows and sunshine - life post-loss has been rough since recoupling for me, but here I am! I honestly didn't believe I could physically survive the unbearable pain. And I did. Or at least I have so far!

We weren't married. Legally, we were domestic partners. Wore wedding bands, I'd changed my name, we called each other husband and wife, and so did everyone else, but we were not spouses. We'd been trying to think of a way to "make it official" in a way that was genuine for us, had decided to do it alone with a rabbi on a beach on our next vacation, which would've been a few months after he died. There was a lot of nonsense because of our status. For example, I had to take him off my health insurance (because he was dead) but I couldn't without his death certificate. Well, I wasn't entitled to obtain his death certificate because we weren't married. Etc., etc. The whole thing was a mindf***. Even now, I feel like a fraud - I'd decided that we called each other husband and wife in life, I wouldn't dishonor him by now failing to call him my husband. But it's not technically true. I don't want to tell the whole story to every random person it comes up with, so sometimes I feel like a liar. We thought we had all the time in the world to make it official. But we rushed to do all the things that mattered - bought our wedding bands within a couple months, changed my name in a few, became domestic partners in less than a year, etc. Babbling. Done.

I totally agree with this. I was feeling alive and centered and myself again before I became involved in a relationship. Also, when I became involved with a widower (who I'm still with now), he was not even close to being "BAG." Sometimes the things correlate (new relationships and BAG), but often not.

I'm a lawyer, but I only know about rules in NY. It depends on your state. If he died without a will, the rules of intestacy (will-less-ness) kick in - in most states, spouse inherits everything. It is likely there will need to be an executor or administrator of his "estate" in order for anything at all to be done about any of his accounts, etc.

Gracelet's right. Don't do it. It's fraud. It's not a moral dilemma - it's a legal dilemma. It's not really a dilemma, because there aren't two good sides. There's only one: don't do it.

I'm wondering how many of us are around. A couple months after the three year anniversary, I had a baby daughter (her father's a widower too). She's about 9 months old now.

I think getting dissuaded by the change in forum would be unfortunate. Yeah, the familiarity of the old board was comforting. But it was never that (or shouldn't have been). It was the WORDS, the sentiments, the freedom to express, the cameraderie and support. And that is transferable. It exists here, or will, and is more likely to do so with more members from all stages. I don't think it has to be a choice between being a super-active, recognizable-name, Board-leader type and not coming at all. Reading sometimes and writing sometimes when it feels right doesn't have to be a big all-or-nothing decision. Lending a bit of support here and there, and taking from this place what you need when you need it - as my Simon used to say: "It's not that serious." I say take it as it comes. I try to remember that the things I see as "taking" (expressing my sadness, etc.) is actually sometimes "giving," because other people may feel the same and either not realize it or not realize it's "normal."

At two years out, I traveled to Israel by myself. It's where he was born and lived as a child, and it was a pilgrimage of sorts for me. Traveling alone, being in the land that birthed him, getting a huge blast of vitamin D/sunshine, being on vacation, having a little fling, etc. - it all propelled me into feelings of happiness again. Everything changed inside me then. I felt alive again.

I find that no one remembers except me and his parents. And as time goes on, I don't find that strange or upsetting. I can barely remember my friends' birthdays and anniversaries, etc. These dates are mine and it wouldn't make sense honestly if people remembered them. It's a mark of special-ness. We were theirs and they were ours, and these dates are between us and them, except we are the only ones here. His parents remember. Sometimes I contact them, sometimes I contact them a few days later, and both of us always feel the same - I would've contacted you, but it's been a rough week.

me, widower, and double-widow baby

Caribbean squint

As the Board has moved a couple times recently, it's been interesting to see so many "old" members pop in to say that they still come around, but just don't say much. It's been almost four years for me, and about a year ago I came back after months or more of not. I've wondered the whole time why. But it seems as though I'm not alone. Once a widow, always a widow? I have little to say. I think part of it is because I grieved so totally, so fully at the beginning for so long. I've said and thought and felt everything I could possibly say and think and feel in some way perhaps. But "I just can't quit you," and I keep reading anyway, and every now and then saying something. The journey doesn't end, it just changes, and so I stick around.