Out_of_the_Blue

I have been widowed almost 8 years. I lost my husband when I was 52, and we had enjoyed a terrific 27 year marriage. I have spent the past 8 years rebuilding my life, making new friends, and getting involved in numerous athletic and volunteer activities. I did miss being part of a couple but life was good and I was happy. Even though I was involved in many things, I never met any unattached men. I had always thought that online dating was 'lame' and was afraid to try it. But then it dawned on me that meeting people online is the new 'normal' so a couple of single girlfriends and I decided to go on Match. Well, lo and behold, on my very first date, I met an amazing man who happens to be a widower! We share many interests, are physically attracted to each other, and he treats me like gold. We feel like we've won the lottery. (I did meet with four other guys who were also very nice but the chemistry was nowhere near what the first man and I have). I never in a million years thought this would happen. We are heading off on our first trip together in a few days and planning many fun things for 2017. I guess you're never too old to find love!

Thanks, everyone. I know this isn't an earth-shattering matter, although it sure hurt a few years ago when the wife of my cycling neighbour stopped inviting me to neighbourhood get-togethers at their home. (My LH and I had been invited for years and I continued to be invited for several years after he died, until the 'bike incident'). I guess that's when I first learned how 'threatening' we widows are to some wives. So I really don't want to do anything 'wrong' again. After our sport, we all go for beers in the lounge in the same venue. I realized it would look weird to leave with my friend. We do have a great connection and sometimes newbies think we're married, until I set them straight. Probably the wisest thing to do is to drive myself this time even though part of me agrees with Portside in saying to hell with them.

I really need some objective advice. I've been involved in a sport for several years now and have gotten to know some nice people, both men and women. There's a (married) man who lives near me who said it's kind of silly for everyone to drive separately and that we should carpool. Problem is, the other two women he would pick up are both busy next week so I'd be the only one driving with him. I'm not too sure about this because several years ago, another (also married) man in my neighbourhood, who knew that I love cycling, asked if I'd like to join him on a bike ride. He was planning a ride for a group he belongs to and wanted to scout it out. I happily went along but since then, his wife has been very frosty to me. So now I am feeling uncomfortable about being in any kind of situation, no matter how innocent, with a married man. To be honest, if the guy who offered to drive wasn't married, I'd be all over him. When we play this sport, we seem to have a natural chemistry and are quite drawn to each other, but I know my boundaries and would never do anything stupid. Should I make up an excuse about why I need to drive myself or should I go with him alone? After the situation with my biking neighbour, I'm gun shy about causing any ripples among wives.

Just want to say that I also understand what you're saying. It's been 8 years for me and I'm proud of how hard I've fought to make some semblance of a life, but today...I'm exhausted from it. I put my ring back on my wedding finger and wore it while shopping. I pretended I had my old life back, that I was a happily married woman again. It was an incredibly comforting feeling. I know it's not true but for those few hours, it was awesome.

I am sorry that so many memories were dredged up for you just when you were feeling some peace. Even though it's painful, I am one who is glad when people remember the date and say something to me about it. It makes me feel like my husband hasn't been forgotten. I feel more hurt by the people who say nothing even though they know. Keeping busy is a great way to cope. Glad you made it through ok.

It's been seven years for me as well and I've had my moments, that's for sure. What I did to get through them was to give myself a time, one year down the road, when I would see if I was still feeling the same way and if I was, I'd give myself permission to do whatever I had to do. Somehow this took the pressure off, relieved some of the pain, and I was able to keep going. I also use sports as therapy. Riding my bike, slamming some balls, and going for a walk definitely make me feel better. Reading this message board was also a huge help to me as well because I could see my feelings were 'normal'. I would certainly consider talking to my doctor and going on medication if I felt I couldn't manage. A friend of mine, who has been widowed for four years, recently started on Cipralex and the change in her mood is incredible. When you're feeling like you do, it's hard to believe that life can improve. I understand. Please keep fighting and coming here to 'talk' with others who are in the same boat.

Awesome that you're doing this. Online therapy helped me get through the trauma of my husband's cancer diagnosis and illness. It gave me coping strategies to manage stress and anxiety. I still use them today in other situations. Online therapy really worked for me.

My heart breaks for you. You're already grieving for your father and the pain is immense. Waves will hit and you'll think you won't make it but then they subside and the pain eases a bit. It's so tough to go through this without your husband but somehow you will do it. All you can do right now is go minute by minute, day by day. Stay in the moment and don't think too far ahead. Breathe. Come here to 'talk' because we've all known this kind of suffering and most likely will again.

Aww..he sounds precious. I hope you get him! He needs you as much as you need him.

I love Fleetwood Mac. I played Songbird at my husband's funeral.

My kids and I went to Peru to avoid the first Christmas after my husband's death; expensive but worth every penny. The next year my daughter and I went to LA to see Ellen. While my husband was ill, I spent many a night watching her show to escape for an hour from fear and anxiety. Seeing her in person was amazing.

My husband's brain tumour came out of nowhere, out of the blue. Also his eyes were the most gorgeous, crystalline blue I have ever seen....

As each year passes, fewer people remember. My kids, husband's sister and my mother remembered his 6th sadiversary this month. Because I'm now in this boat, I try hard to remember other's sadiversaries, but I'm afraid I don't always. I know my mother lost her husband in October two years ago, but I don't remember the exact date unless I ask her. A neighbour lost her husband this past August and I have written the date on my calendar so I can remember it because now I know how important it is for people to acknowledge that date. Two of my new friends, who never met my husband, did know about the date for me this month, were very caring, and made sure I kept busy that day, but that's because I told them it was a difficult day.I realized this year that I need to tell people how I'm feeling, remind them of the date, and then they circle the wagons and make sure I'm ok.

So sorry to hear how cancer has robbed so many of us. My husband died of brain cancer within four months of diagnosis at the age of 51. It was horrific.