Melbar

Well yes, I suppose if you asked someone, "Do you want to go to the movies?" and they replied, "I will if you want me to..." that would be quite irritating. But if you read my original post, my husband literally gave me two different answers in the same sentence, so I simply let him know that whatever he wanted was fine with me. Fortunately he understood what I meant and we have communicated about all of this just fine now. It would be silly to get "infuriated" over such a thing IMO. People are only human after all, and sometimes our wires get crossed when we communicate, especially via email or text.

Well I decided to respond that if he wanted me to go I would be glad to and if he didn't want me to go I wouldn't. He responded, "Really, do not go to the funeral." So this isn't just him giving me an out, which is what I thought instinctively because he would normally say something like 'of course I want you to go but please don't feel you have to.' This just had a whole different tone about it that made me unsure how to take it. So I guess I will go to the party I originally was invited to after all.

I think as Maureen pointed out, this is likely at its heart a communication style issue. My current husband and LH are sooo very different. Blunt (LH) vs. overly courteous to the point of being ambiguous. They also had very different expectations as a married couple. My LH would never have dreamed of suggesting I go to a party without him while he went elsewhere - we were a team and went to things together, period. Maybe that is not everyone's cup of tea, but at least it eliminated confusion and misunderstanding. We do need to iron this out because it does pop up from time to time and will continue if I don't say anything. He is truly the kindest and most wonderful man, and I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but if I am asking him to be more clear, then I have to be as well.

Good for you hachi, and thank you. I think I will not only do this, but continue to remember this and follow suit from now on! Great advice.

So this would probably be a very strange complaint to most people, but not here. My husband's colleague texted him Monday morning, "I'm sorry, I will not be able to make the meeting this afternoon. My husband died of a heart attack last night." Needless to say, I felt the wind kicked out of me when he read that to me. I've felt just terrible for this lady all week because, you know, "I know." So we were supposed to go to a party Saturday night at some friends' house... but my husband remembered that he had already RSVP'ed to a retirement party for two people at his work, and he thought we should go to that instead. So I canceled on the friends. But THEN, the funeral for this lady's husband turned out to be scheduled also at the same time. So my husband forwarded me the funeral information, and I replied, "Shall we attend this instead?" His response, "Yes - or I will. I do not think it is necessary for you to go." Really? But it was "necessary" for me to attend a retirement party for 2 people I've never met? I cannot figure it out and I don't know how to respond. I have attended 3 other funerals of widows since my LH died, and he knows I am very capable of handling it. So I do not think he is just trying to protect me, nor do I think it has anything to do with the fact that I didn't personally know the guy, because again, I go to things all the time with him to honor, remember or celebrate people I've never met. So now I have canceled on the friends (and do not have any desire to attend their party alone), and I would MUCH rather be by my husband's side at the funeral anyway. I would just point blank tell him this, but his response was so abrupt, I kind of feel like he doesn't want me there. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. Any advice as to how I should respond?

It's fine that she's found comfort and like-minded people in a blog, but it's MUCH better if she comes to a place where she doesn't need that because she isn't feeling insecure anymore. I can only speak as a widow remarried to someone who is divorced with 2 kids who go back and forth every week, but I imagine some of the struggles are the same and my top advice would be, compliment her a LOT - I mean, thank her, tell her what a great job she does, tell her how much you love her and how you couldn't imagine having never met her (which relieves some of the, "does he wish he still was with his late wife instead" fears), and also, HELP her around the house as much as possible if you don't already. Don't put things you should be doing for your kids off on her. And take her out on a regular date night if that is not a priority. The problem with being remarried with kids in the house is that you are newlyweds but it doesn't feel that way at ALL - you say I Do as if it's brand-new but you go home to the 15 years-of-marriage experience. And if you were like us, you were hit with it the second you rolled back into town from your honeymoon (if you were lucky enough to actually get one). It is hard to be a new spouse and share that person with their kids, and it's even harder if you feel like you are still sharing their heart with their late or divorced spouse. So make sure she KNOWS she is #1. That's what we all wished we had done for our late spouses, all the time, after all.

Along the lines of what I believe you already said, I am going with "both." Kids events that you want to attend, sports etc. that you want to get them involved in, their physical needs, spending some alone time with them when possible... that is really all you need to do as far as putting them first. You do those things, and you'll have secure kids that know you love them. But you do have to say no sometimes in lieu of your spouse's emotional needs, otherwise you're going to have a very resentful spouse who may be too nice to let you know they resent it, but will resent it nonetheless and that is not how the one you CHOSE to be with should ever feel. So if you have a particularly clingy kid that wants you to leave your own bed to come get into theirs, or if your spouse needs a break from the kids and you don't want to inconvenience their schedule or say no to them to give you and your spouse some much-needed adult time, then that is not the right choice, IMO. Kids need to be told no sometimes and see the parents choosing each other so they will do the same for their spouse one day. It is the trickle-down effect. If you and your spouse are happy with each other, your kids will be happier and feel more secure. And as we all know, our spouse could be gone in a matter of months or even minutes... so don't wait until "the kids are grown" to make them feel like they are numero uno.

That is another aspect to this, Torn - how much is too much... how little is too little. Someone somewhere is just gonna get offended either way! One of my favorite things to discuss with my widower friend were funny stories about our spouses and the crazy things they would do.. like the time he and his wife argued and sort of gave each other the silent treatment for a day or two, and she put a peanut butter sandwich on his side of the bed - I loved getting to that point where I was able to laugh about the good times and lighter moments. Maybe the ex-factor is different because they are an "ex" for a reason... it is more difficult when I've heard these horrible things the person did, but then trying to be amused when I hear something lighter. There's been such a shadow cast on the person that I don't really see anything they did as cute or endearing (although I know even bad marriages are not 100% all bad).

I was married from age 21 to 39, so I had almost that same span anniegirl - maybe that's why I am conscientious about it because I literally would have to include my LH in just about every story I tell since he encompassed my entire young adulthood. There are some things I'll talk about where he's absolutely relevant, but oftentimes I'll just turn it into an "I" story. You are right about what is best for your marriage - I just assume most people are more sensitive than they let on, so I tend to tread carefully when talking about the past.

I agree Klim, especially in that context. I think talking about who they were and the relationship you had helps you get to know that person and vice-versa. They were, after all, your life for many years. I am speaking more about those random things that should start phasing out at some point. Last night, we went to dinner with this same couple I was speaking of, with the guy who brings up his ex-wife a lot. We passed this restaurant and made a comment about it and my friend's husband went into this story of how he and ******* (said her name) "went there once and played darts and she had wanted to make it a regular thing but it wasn't his thing, and in retrospect, if he knew it had meant that much to her, maybe he would have... but what're you gonna do." I have to admit I cringed a lot for my friend. It was just so unnecessary to bring up his ex while out with his wife and friends.

I do think it is different when it's a late vs. an ex. One of my best friends is a widower I met through hospice's group bereavement counseling. He and I used to talk for hours about our late spouses - that was definitely the biggest blessing I had post-widowhood because it gave me a platonic friend I could talk to about all of these memories I have with my LH and I guess in some ways, sort of get a lot of things out, so when I did meet someone I was romantically interested in, I wasn't doing a whole lot of that anymore. Not that I don't ever talk about him, I just try to keep it in check especially now that I'm married. Ex's are probably a whole different story - there's only so much you really want and need to know.

I am curious to hear from others on the issue of talking about your late spouse with your new spouse or SO. One of the reasons I waited 4 years to go out on a date was I felt I would be one of those people constantly bringing up my husband - I had 20 years of building a life with him - basically my entire adult life. I needed some time to build a life of my own with my kids so I would have something to talk about that pertained only to me and not "us". Plus, that need to talk about him still signified that I had not let go to the point of being ready for a new relationship. Now I find that I am still careful, and consider if what I'm going to bring up is really pertinent. That's just me trying to be considerate of my new husband's feelings. A lot of times when I have a "we" memory, I'll tell it as an "I" memory. But most of the time if I bring him up, it's pertaining to the kids. Do you do this for your spouse, and does he or she do it for you regarding their late spouse or ex? My friend told me her husband still brings up his ex a lot in conversations (about past things) and she asked if I still talked about my late husband all the time... this got me thinking, no, I really do not. I cherish every memory quietly, but respect my new husband enough to be present with him. Where do you stand on this?

Thank you, MrsDan.

Hi MissinGrizz, They don't know he has ADHD.. he takes medication and has always been well-behaved at gatherings. I think this was simply the habit of only including "those who have gone to school together since kindergarten" which automatically excluded him. As it turned out, the other party he went to was probably a lot more fun! (We have also talked to them about the package deal issue... I felt this was different because of how much he's also played with them for over a year now, and because he was the only one who would've had to leave early. Awkward).

Yes, this is all one party on the same day. The reason this awkwardness has come about is because this particular mom loves to party, so instead of just throwing a simple sleepover party for her son where the kids are dropped off and all of them stay over, she has asked the adults to come along, and with only one of our boys invited to stay over, this puts us in a really bad position with potential for my son to have a complete meltdown when he realizes we are "making him" leave when the other boys get to stay. And yeah, I would expect more of him if he were 12 - but he's a 9 year-old with ADHD and emotionally, logically I would say he's much closer to 7. So I can try to explain til I'm blue in the face, but he's not going to "get" the ambiguity of being invited, and yet not being invited. Anyway - on a sidenote, your party options sound great!

I have decided to attend the other party he was invited to, at which there will be no ambiguity about whether or not these are his friends. Thank you so much - I needed to know it wasn't just me who would find this unsettling.

The boys are the same age and have been getting to know mine for a little over a year. Again, my problem isn't with the selectivity at all - in fact, as a mom who has had to keep sleepovers and parties under control, I completely get that. My issue is how it is being handled so that my son will know he was excluded.

In short, here is my situation: We were invited to a birthday party in which they've asked the adults to stay and socialize as well. My husband's son and a couple of other boys were invited to remain and sleep over after the party, but my son who they don't know as well was not. I realize sleepovers have to have limits - my issue is that if you're not going to invite all the boys to do the same thing, that you just ask the parents to do a drop-off, rather than to also come along and then have to make one kid leave and let the other stay. Most moms would get this, right? I told my husband that I was not going and my son and I would find something else to do - and as it turns out, he got invited to another party anyway on the same day. But it will happen again. I know you can't shield your kids from every hurt feeling or unfairness in life (obviously, we here are all widowed), but I don't see any need to put him in the path of hurt feelings deliberately either. Any input? I want to make sure I handle these awkward situations practically. Thank you!

Thank you guys!

Well, a year ago I never thought I would be posting those words, but my now fianc? proposed to me on Saturday at the YMCA soccer field where we met. His son and my kids were on the same soccer team last fall. He would sit by me during practices and games, leading to friendly chatting, to eventually emailing each other after the season ended, to our first date and the rest is history. No date set yet, but we want his mother to be able to attend and in order for that to happen, it will have to be sometime between December and April. I found the original board in March of 2011 right after my DH died of cancer in 4 short months. I still miss him and so do my kids who are now almost 11 and 9. Life was better with him, and it took some time, but I learned it would be better with someone to love again, better for me, better for my kids... not necessarily always easier -- but better. Thank you to anyone who ever offered me kindness, support, encouragement - I was very lost for a while, but I have found my way again with much thanks to being able to share and listen to those who have been there.

I would say follow through with your plans to let your oldest graduate from high school, and then make your move. That gives you time to prepare the younger ones for what is going to happen, and do everything you can to begin helping them look at this as a positive thing. If you are showing doubt and hesitation and anxiety over it, they will pick up on that for sure. I would also spend as much time as possible under 'blended' conditions - weekends, etc., to help them get used to the idea and so you and your husband can gauge what the potential issues might be and start figuring out how you'll handle them. In that way, you have an edge over people who have to learn as they go while they're already living it - so look at this as an opportunity that a lot of couples never had. I love my kids and give them 100% every day. But I am not a fan of assigning people a numerical position in my life. Everyone I love is extremely important to me, and yes, there will be lots of times my kids have to come first but when you're married, there should also be times your marriage comes first, otherwise it is doomed. No one likes feeling second all the time and even the biggest-hearted martyr is going to tire of it after a while. On a personal note, I moved a LOT growing up, including in the 11th grade and it was always an adjustment but I turned out fine and credit it for my resilience as an adult. . Best wishes in what you decide.

You know, I think it's important to consider any request like this with the person as a whole. If he is a wonderful, supportive guy who has never been controlling in any way, and this just genuinely makes him feel uncomfortable, I would be inclined to do whatever makes the person I love feel better. I would never want my BF to feel second in any way. I will add a however to this... I would not drop the friends you've made here. Let him know you will still be in touch with them through email/Facebook/phone calls, whatever. If he's uncomfortable with the "widow board" aspect, then he should be okay with that. If it's a control issue, and he can't understand friendships with people who have shared a mutual traumatic experience as big as yours, I would find that to be a red flag. **I am editing this to add one more thought -- perhaps what is really bothering him is that this board also includes widowers. I could actually understand that more.

9 months ago I went on my first date since my husband had died almost 4 years earlier. This is us in Montreal last month, when I went with him up there to meet his mother and family. Not only is he incredibly handsome, but brilliant and most of all the kindest person I've ever met. I am truly fortunate once again.

Congratulations and many happy years!!

Thank you Portside! There is the love side of this, and the thinking side of this and it sounds like with the right mix of the two, it can work.