Melbar

I am headed in this direction as well and have so many questions, but one in particular I'd like to ask that I think belongs in this topic. The other night my BF said rather out of the blue that when we get married it will be important that he have alone time with his kids. And while I agree - because I want that with mine as well, it kind of stung that he felt the need to point that out to me. I think it hit on what Portland is talking about, the importance of making everyone feel equal. I just found it to be a little insensitive, although that is probably me just overreacting to the fact that my kids have no dad. And he is already worried about preserving his relationship with HIS kids. Understandable and yet kind of made me feel sad for my kids at the same time. And made me miss my DH so much.

Happy anniversary! What a journey this is indeed. Best wishes and many more happy years with your husband!

Congratulations! There is something about recognizing that you're happy again, and the gratitude that comes with it, that makes this time around very special indeed.

Even though it was completely unintentional (my bf and I met through our kids' sports and I was not looking for anyone), he is the exact same height, very similar build, with black hair and dark complexion like my late husband. But their personalities and the way they think are so very different, so despite the physical similiarities, I never feel like I am looking at my DH when I look at him!

I think it mainly comes down to whether or not you have done the hard grief work, whether widowed or divorced. I will say that despite the kids being full time, dating a widow or widower with young kids is probably easier than dating a divorcee with young kids, who is still dealing with constant texts and calls and coordinating schedules every day of their life, all of which to some degree is going to bleed over into your relationship. My status simplifies this so much: I get a babysitter, I go out, he has my full attention, the end. Not so much on his part though, where texts or calls from the ex and kids can and do come in at any time. And because of that, her name comes up 10x more than my late husband's. So stage of life is also a huge factor in how easy or difficult things can be. Edited to say that after reading the replies, the "freaking out because you might die" is a biggie for me. I've actually cried about that, which can't be the most comfortable thing in the world for the person you're with. The fear and dread of being in that place again has permanently attached itself to all of our hearts, I am sure.

I wonder how many bad marriages to bad people could be avoided if those dating a divorcee had the opportunity to talk to the "crazy ex?" Nothing to add to this thought-provoking thread, just that random thought.

Ah, OK. I don't think it's right that you lose your late spouse's SS if you remarry before a certain age if technically, they earned that money while married to you - then somehow they can justify, under certain conditions, paying it to an ex-spouse who was not married to them during same said earning period. That is some government logic there. That being said, I would never trade marrying the man I'm dating for an extra check. But I'm 43, so, that probably makes a difference.

I am not sure on the specifics of pensions, but unless you are 59-3/4 years old, I have never understood the argument NOT to remarry based on collecting your late spouse's SS well into the future. Are you not eligible to collect your new spouse's SS should he or she die (or as sugarbell pointed out, given a choice if they die before 10 years...). And on the flipside, should they hopefully live a long life, does that second income not make up for whatever you're afraid of losing in SS? I must be missing something because gaining an income and possible SS from a new spouse seems to be a step UP financially.

Congratulations Mac! It is good to be in a place where you're happy either way, and then BAM. Best wishes!

ITA SimiRed. I think you can go too far in trying to make the kids so comfortable that they don't learn to compromise at all. There's taking their needs and feelings into consideration, and there's letting them run your life. I would never do this - it would feel more like an arrangement than a marriage, IMO.

Just adding this, because coincidentally, I came across a story this morning about a new trend where blended families were opting for separate households - either a duplex or two homes located close to each other so they can be together when they want, then go to their respective homes when they want. I'm kind of shaking my head at this... but maybe these people are onto something, lol?

MissinGrizz, these are great suggestions. We have touched on both living arrangements and alone time with the parent, and I agree on getting a new house that feels like "ours" and accommodates the expanded size of our family, as well as making sure that his and mine get the individual time with the parent they are used to. Less resentment, jealousy, insecurity that way for sure. We also met through our kids, and with everyone being close in age, all of us getting together started pretty early on. So far, my kids really like him and his really like me. We have been lucky in that area. I would say our biggest issue is his son complaining about my son. This is where it's imperative that my bf and I do not allow this kind of thing to divide and conquer. Even though an 8 year-old may not know the definition of manipulation, I do think they are very capable of it in this way, and I'm sure the "divorce guilt" my bf carries is something his son understands how to tap into. That's one advantage with my kids - they never played the 'my daddy died so you owe me' card because that was not in any way my fault. Oddly enough, I think they are much more secure in our relationship because of that. Anyway, I really like all of the other suggestions, too - all things he and I will have to discuss and come to an agreement on. I also like the idea of taking a trip together. But I definitely see us taking it slowly and if it means dating for an extended time that is fine and probably wise. We would definitely be married to blend.. so there is no rush. The virtue of patience that finally strikes in your 40's. Thank you for the feedback and keep on doing a great job!

... and how you have made the whole combining two familes situation work, or at least make it "work-able." My bf and I have been dating for 6 months now. We are hitting that point where we are starting to talk seriously about what ifs and 'how would we do this' and to be honest, it's not always an easy conversation. A little info - we both have one girl and one boy. The girls are 11 and 10, and the boys are both 8. Our girls get along quite well, and while the boys get along, they are very different types - his is the athletic, totally obsessed with sports type and mine is more Legos, video games (he does have a lot of energy and likes to play outside, just isn't into quoting football and baseball stats like his kid). My DH had so much confidence. We had some factors going into our marriage that could have potentially made things very difficult and pulled us in two different directions, but we were always on the same page, always knew we loved each other enough that it was worth making it work - and we did and were happy. My bf is so sweet and wonderful, but tends to be more of a worrier and over-thinker. I am not blind to any challenges that could occur - I just have the attitude that if you don't go into these situations with absolute confidence, you can be easily overtaken by guilt and allow your children's negativity or resistance to overtake you and destroy your relationship with your new spouse. That is the trap we must avoid, and I want to know how you've done this successfully. Much appreciated!

This is such a pet peeve of mine - people pretending they're ready and getting someone else's hopes up when they're not. Of course, I'm much harder on the separated for this than us wids.. we earned our right to be a little off in our judgment early on. But still, once you realize you may be doing this - just stop. It's using people. Not nice. Then telling someone you're doing it - not smart? Hopefully someone will earn a second date with you soon, ieh!

That is very nice! You can never have enough friends and, let's face it, people willing to help you with heavy stuff around the yard when you're widowed, ha. I have a 63 year-old bachelor neighbor who I've been friends with since buying my house almost 4 years ago - he's 20 years my senior and there's never been any spark, but he is nice, thoughtful and has helped me with a few yard equipment hassles. And as for your neighbor guy, as several have said - you never know!

For probaby the first three years of widowhood, I thought of a new relationship as a burden I didn't need - someone else to make time for, expend energy on, another person's expectations to meet - I had a really negative attitude about it. I now know that was all a defense mechanism. I met my BF and from the get-go, I felt like I could not do enough for him. There is nothing I want more than to make time for him, expend energy on him and meet and hopefully exceed his expectations. When you find someone special, there is nothing you wouldn't do for them, despite previously shouting otherwise.

I have nothing useful to add other than I totally relate. This fear of 'what could happen' is undoubtedly the scar left behind that gets picked the most - and unfortunately, that will probably never change. Thank you, widowhood. Thank you for the unwanted knowledge. Now that I am madly in love again, it is right there on the surface, even though I try very hard to keep it hidden. My bf has an incredibly demanding job, is having a hard time exercising like he should, eating right, and his father died of pancreatic cancer the same age as my husband who also died of a form of stomach cancer -- so it's in his family. No worries there! I made the remark once that if anything happened to him I would just die and he was so understanding and reminded me we just have to live one day at a time - so that is what I remind myself every time I start feeling it. One day at a time. I don't know if it helps, but it's truth. ((hugs)) I am glad your guy is checking into it, and hope he gets the good news you need to hear.

One of the reasons I had a really hard time kick-starting the dating was a lack of attraction to anyone - even men who were quite attractive. My BF and I met in person, through our kids' sports. I couldn't tell you our first conversation or the moment we met because nothing jumped out at me other than he seemed like a nice guy. We talked at almost every game, but I wasn't thinking, "Oooh, I'd like to date this guy!" Then after the season ended, he emailed me, and I learned through email that he was totally brilliant and funny and charming in a way I'd somehow missed in person - probably because like me, he's a bit of an introvert. Then we went on our first date and yowza -- suddenly I was completely physically attracted to him as well. So, from barely noticing to can't stop thinking about -- an enigma, attraction is.

My daughter asked me if my BF and I were "dating... or, dating-dating," meaning is it serious. So he and I joke about introducing each other as the man/woman we're DATING-dating. I agree though, BF/GF sounds sooo young, especially after losing a husband of 18 years. As for someone mistaking you as the mom, only go along with it if the child is being exceptionally good.

My guy is divorced, was married 15 years. The circumstances of his divorce are heartbreaking - I think I was far enough along in my widowed status to understand that both of us suffered a very painful loss... no trying to 'one-up' each other. He lost his father many years ago to cancer - his dad was the same age as my husband when he died. He grieved that loss very hard as did his mother, so I know he gets it. But all that aside, I just love who he is and I'm glad I waited long enough to get past my initial feeling that divorced people can't possibly understand.