ATJ

"Unthinkably good things can happen even late in the game." ~~ Quote from 'Under the Tuscan Sun' Wishing you a bright and happy future! ATJ

Sugarbell, As a childless widow, I am always drawn to those 'mother and child' posts. This one really touched my heart! Despite the significant struggles of being a widowed and only parent, you are most fortunate to have such a precocious and helpful son. I once read a poem by an unknown author about "little boys" and saved it because it warmed my heart. I'm posting it below, even as your son is not quite so little anymore, but there are echoes. "A little Boy" An imp and an angel, A dreamer, a tease An explorer of meadows, A climber of trees. A runner of errands, And Doer of chores, Who tears his best trousers And tracks up your floors. A solemn young man With mud on his feet, And a daredevil riding his Bike down the street. A bundle of questions, He wants to know why The world goes around And the stars fill the sky. But adventurous, timid, Excited or quiet, There's nothing so new That he won't care to try it. And just when your temper And Patience wear thin, He'll look up at you With an innocent grin. And your heart melts again With real pride and joy, In that mischievous, wonderful Treasure - Your little boy! ~~ Author unknown Sending a BIG "High-Five" to your son through the ether!! ATJ

(((MrsTim))) What a strange reality we widows face, always torn between two worlds. But Forward we must go, while still treasuring our past. It's not an easy task! "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." ~~ Joseph Campbell Our heart ALWAYS remembers and holds dear the one we have loved! "Love is not written on paper, for paper can be erased. Nor is it etched on stone, for stone can be broken. But it is inscribed on a heart, and there it shall remain forever." ~~ Unknown Sending you Comfort and Peace! (((HUGS))) ATJ

Thank you, everyone, for telling Your story. I truly appreciate it, because it takes courage to talk about the ups and downs, the bumps in the road, with honesty and integrity, especially at a later stage when most think that we are 'so together' and have all the answers now. We have the dubious honor of being considered 'veterans' at this endeavor. Perhaps it is somewhat unsettling for those newer to this journey to hear about the messy 'sausage making process' of rebuilding, and therefore I was hesitant to start this thread. However, in my personal life I ALWAYS wanted to know the full truth in any situation, no matter how difficult it was to digest. When reading all of these accounts, it becomes clear that there are many common and intertwined threads that connect us, like in a large tapestry, but it also shows vast differences in how our widowed path has evolved and wrought personal changes in us. What we all have commonly experienced is: Pain, fear, frustration, fatigue, uncertainty and hard work in an effort to survive and change our lives for the better. But there are equally disparate elements that make our stories unique, much like a person's fingerprints form a distinctive identifier. There are different backgrounds, as well as prior and current life circumstances, diverse residual and/or new support levels, family units of all types, or none, distinctive personality characteristics with inherent or learned coping mechanisms, and variant belief systems. Grief was the catalyst that created tributaries which brought us together in the mighty and turbulent river of pain and sorrow. For a while we took this wild ride together, clinging tightly to each other for sheer survival, until the river finally reached its estuary that led us back out into the ocean of life. Just as we came from different origins, our individual compass now points us again into different directions, as life either beckons or forcefully pulls us along. But even after we have been released back into the vast ocean of life, we keep sending periodic signal flares from the distance to let each other know that we are still together in spirit, still remembering our common journey, and it brings comfort. How we coped along the way varied widely in method and speed: "If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away." ~~ Henry David Thoreau As we tried to build new lives again, we all experienced different challenges, but none of us totally escaped from the arduous reshaping process. "Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor." ~~ Alexis Carrel We also have our own understanding of what new happiness and contentment entail, and life takes us through its winding, labyrinthine paths to get there. "Happiness, that grand mistress of the ceremonies in the dance of life, impels us through all its mazes and meanderings, but leads none of us by the same route." ~~ Charles Caleb Colton May we all find restoration, peace and contentment!. Light and Blessings to all! ATJ

"The leaves of memory seemed to make a mournful rustling in the dark." ~~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Iron Bear, Memories can be very powerful, and I'm sorry to hear that they have been haunting you. It's strange when people look at us, who are so much further out, and seem to assume that we have become more or less impervious and inured to those triggers. Time, the much touted healer, sometimes can only provide a flimsy Band-Aid that comes off easily. Memories are always my Achilles heel, and I try to block them out as much as possible, sad to say. Often I wish I had a magic eraser because once I give into them, it's downhill from there. "Memory may be a paradise from which we cannot be driven, it may also be a hell from which we cannot escape." ~~ John Lancaster Spalding I hope that the dark clouds will part soon and sunlight will break through. Wishing you Peace and Serenity. ATJ

(((keeptrying))) I heard your cry of pain and despair. Whatever soothing words I want to offer, probably won't bring you any comfort at this particular moment in time. My husband died nine years ago, and yet I can still clearly remember that I felt almost exactly as you do now. Below is what I wrote at the time, which will at least let you know that others have had similar feelings: "I Want to Forget" I want to forget What once has been I want to keep running As fast and far as I can Never stop, never think Never let my heart feel All the pain and the fear It has stored inside But the shadows from the past Keep running beside me Never leave me alone They always keep pace Just let me keep going And run ever faster To somewhere, anywhere Where I can't remember the past Reach a distant horizon Where nobody knows me Where I can make believe That it is not true Life's no longer real There's nothing to hold on It only keeps moving And turns on its axis But leaves me behind In my prison of memories I can't find the key To set me free As the calendar turns My heart still wounded and raw Wants to turn the page To another chapter Like mercury rising A fever is building inside me And like a red, hot flame It is burning me up I just have to run faster Faster and ever faster To leave this behind Make it all disappear Find a place that has no memory And does not keep track of time Where it all stands still Where I can find peace at last ~~~~~~~~~~~ A part of the answer lies in your username 'keep trying'. That's all we CAN do, and it also shows that there is at least the tiniest flicker of Hope left in your heart. When my heart says: "Give up," Hope whispers: "Try it one more time!" ~~ Unknown So, I stretch out my hand to you through the ether and say: "Hold on! Let's keep trying together!" OK?! (((HUGS))) to you. ATJ

Ohh, TooSoon, The very LAST thing I wanted to do was making you feel guilty! It's very easy for ME to have this imaginary "dream child" and think that she would have added so much to my life. It's quite another story actually living it, while doing it all alone, in addition to a very challenging career with high demands. I do have a nurturing nature, but that does not necessarily mean that I would automatically have made a "good mother". There are so many things I could have messed up, even with the best intentions, and perhaps have raised a little monster, OR she might have sent me to the loony bin. ;D You know the famous saying about the grass always being greener. But since I do not have any family at all, I have such a strong need to somehow belong, to be a small part of a "WE", and also to have a physical reminder of my husband. Since I still would like to believe in the Easter Bunny, I hope that it will surprise you and drop off some colorful delights because you ARE a good mother, even if you don't follow "the norm", whatever that means anyway. I think your daughter is fortunate to have you as a mother and role model. You teach her that a woman can do all kinds of things in her own right. You certainly make an interesting mother. And I'm sure that your daughter's independent spirit, confidence and determination is "the apple falling off the tree". And by the way, I heard that the Easter Bunny actually is selling colored eggs in the true entrepreneurial spirit. I hope that things will ease up for you on all fronts. You deserve it!! ATJ P.S. I can't even type straight at this late hour while you are still up and going!

(((TooSoon))) Often I feel quite depressed and short-changed because I don't have any children. I always wanted to have a 'little girl", who would now be a "grown girl". But then I read about the struggles of parents like You, and I realize that NOTHING, however much desired, is perfect. I bet that my own mother, whose only child I was at a very late stage in her life, at times was probably ready to put me up for adoption. ;D Although right now I would LOVE to color Easter eggs with my imaginary daughter - messy fingers and all. - Instead I used to do it every year for my husband and made an Easter basket for him and had a little Easter lamb cake for him. I guess he benefited from my motherless state. I hope that things have calmed down in your house and that you can both look forward to chasing the Easter Bunny together. ATJ

(((Grammy))) Thank you for your warm words! I simply speak from my heart and hope that it reaches the hearts of others, even across great distances through the ether. We are all just infinitesimal, barely detectable specks on the vast canvas of the universe and have a need to be heard and connected. Each kind word coming back to me is a gift that is received with a grateful heart. Sending Blessings!! With much appreciation! ATJ P.S. I thanked Mel separately in a PM.

Through all eternity to thee A joyful song I'll raise, For oh! Eternity is too short To utter all thy praise. ~~ Joseph Addison May these beautiful memories continue to be of great comfort to you. Blessings, ATJ

(((Helen))) I have heard widows often express that they don't want widowhood to define them. I can understand that to some degree because we are more than JUST widowed. BUT, we are also the sum total of our previous life experiences, both good and bad. The aggregate of that which we have lived through from our earliest moments has shaped us, like the sculptor who forms and chisels away. Some life experiences have a greater impact than others, and we can't easily erase them. We only can TRY to reshape the piece that Life, the master sculptor, has produced, but it often takes enormous effort, frustration and patience, and yes, tears! "Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor." ~~ Alexis Carrel That statement makes me want to throw a pie into someone's face!! - Even Mother Theresa said: "I know that God doesn't give me more than I can handle, but I wish he wouldn't trust me so much!" Whether or not we believe in a higher power who determines our path or destiny, such flippant statements by others are highly objectionable to me, even if one substitutes the word 'Life' for 'God'. - I totally agree that these platitudes can hurt more than help and actually infuriate, and they make us feel even more isolated. One has to walk in someone else's shoes first! "Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But Not Knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering!" ― Paulo Coelho I just posted about the challenges and frustrations of my "Rebuilding Process" and am STILL seeking answers. So, I won't give you any advice and don't have any wisdom to offer. I only wish that: "All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well!" ~~ T.S. Eliot May you find Strength, Courage and Peace, and may Light shine upon your path! ATJ

What is Your story?? - Here is mine - Warning: Long! Ah yes, the much touted "Rebuilding" - just a simple word, yet laden with so many variables, and resembling a kaleidoscope with ever changing patterns and colors. Where does it begin - Where and When does it end?? After the initial sense of utter devastation, which lasted for a long time, I eventually came to realize that somehow I had to find a way to do SOMETHING with the remainder of my earthly existence. Like others, I understood that whether we like it or not, we are still residents of this planet, we've still got a pulse and a heartbeat, even if at times we wished it weren't so. Then one day I looked with blinded eyes at a brightly flashing neon sign whose strobe lights kept emitting the message "Rebuild!" At first it hurt the eyes to even look at it, much less to understand its concept. But soon I kept seeing this sign over and over, and the message became amplified by loudspeakers. It seemed to follow me and became highly annoying, much like an obnoxious TV advertisement, which I instantly put on mute or turn off. But THIS message was undeterred and kept following me, refusing to budge. In utter frustration I finally shouted back "ALRIGHT!" - "But, give me more than just a clever, one-word slogan, and instead provide a precise campaign strategy - OR, get the hell out of my sight!!" - The word 'Rebuilding' is often quite casually and generically tossed around in all kinds of situations, but it takes on quite a different connotation as it relates to widowhood. We are constantly being reminded, or even pushed to 'move on' and quickly 'rebuild' - just follow the simple instructions, you dummy!! And there are so many "operating instructions" and "quick recipes" from just about every conceivable source. Some professional grief literature reads like an operating manual for an appliance. Other unsolicited guidelines come from well-meaning, but ignorant people, whose advice sounds more like a basic recipe for making a cake from a prepared mix - throw in a few extra ingredients, stir, pop into the oven, and bake for an hour, and out comes the perfect cake!! Now, isn't that easy?? We should have thought of that a long time ago, we laggards! - Hmm? Just about everybody seems to have a 'quick fix' answer for us with simple steps to follow. What was I missing here??? I must be completely retarded, I thought! We all know that the eventual reconstruction of our lives is not an option, but imperative, unless we want to crawl into a deep, dark cave and hide, waiting for the end. Our options are few: Learn how to swim in the tumultuous ocean of life, or go under and perish. It's pretty much a "take it or leave it deal". - OK, I got it!! And so I began to roll up my sleeves. But despite enormous efforts, THIS turned out NOT to be the advertised quick fix task, instead more of a massive and intricate recovery project after a disaster. - First there has to come an extended cleanup of the site to see what's left under the rubble. Then an evaluation of whether or not the original site is reusable and safe or if an entirely new one has to be found. It takes a lot of exploration, engineering, architectural drafts with multiple revisions, finding the right building material, skilled labor, and extended planning before the actual work can begin. It's not a quick doodle of a new outline and a hastily scribbled purchasing list for a quick trip to Home Depot, magically producing a brand new house. In my experience it has rather resembled the monumental task of constructing a majestic cathedral in the days of yore - extremely labor intensive, finding rare elements, and hard, backbreaking work - a project extending over many years. Even the great master builders of that era couldn't hasten the process, it took its own time to construct the new edifice. There were no pre-fabricated concrete walls for shortcuts to quickly put this new structure together, but it was stone upon stone, brick upon brick, and carefully putting in place strong support pillars to prevent it from sudden collapse. It took me quite a while to begin even contemplating this massive assignment as I had barely emerged from the emotional ICU, still needing recovery and rehab in order to gather strength for the first step. I was not able to make that sudden quantum leap from my state of near annihilation to becoming a builder, despite my inherently determined nature! While I watched many others with a plan in hand and getting building material, all I could do was just to hold on, which became most tiresome and dispiriting. And although the 'baby steps' approach was necessary, it also left me weary and discouraged. I have always been a result oriented forward thinker who plans ahead and needs to see steady progress. In all situations of my life I had believed that input equals output, and that sheer determination and hard work would let me achieve my goals, as they usually did. BUT, this widowhood experience put an entirely different spin on everything. My former defiant, "fix it spirit" got hit with a two-by-four, leaving me reeling and seeing stars like a cartoon character, only it wasn't as funny to me. I knew that status quo was unsustainable, something HAD to change, and quite drastically!! I got ANGRY at myself, because the more determined I became, and the harder I tried, the worse I felt, and it ensued in even more confusion. My efforts and fierce determination had an inverse effect, which I did NOT understand! Finally I had to grudgingly admit that I could NOT change my situation at will. In utter frustration I was often tempted to just throw in the towel and say "BLEEP IT ALL!" Coming from the corporate world, I wanted to see at least an acceptable ROI (return on investment). But THIS was like participating in a rigged game in a shady back room and had 'Loser' written all over it. I felt as if I had fallen off the 'turnip truck' and everyone was laughing. All of my strategies failed, and I learned that the mind and emotions can be diametrically opposed, and that my emotions ruled supreme, nullifying my mind's sound strategies. I further learned that with Grief and his evil cohort, Trauma, there is no "quid pro quo", no fair and reasonable deal to be struck, no matter what I brought to the negotiating table. But my inherently determined nature wanted to fight back. I had never just quit. And so, in some "Churchillian moments", I proudly proclaimed "I shall Never surrender, Never give up!!" Yeah right! Moments later I lay curled up on my bed in the fetal position, sucking my thumb. I could already envision the men with the white straight jacket approaching and hauling me off! However, despite the constant ups and downs, I KNEW that I could not stay where I was. So, the urgent question arose, HOW to get from 'Here' to 'There"? But upon further reflection, I did not even know where "THERE" was. A total blank! That was the real conundrum. All I could do was to trudge forward, while staring at an empty horizon - like an endless walk through the hot desert sand, feeling parched, thirsty and running out of water, and finally crawling toward some mirage. PFFT!! Whoever wrote that 'Rebuilding Manual' must have been either a relative of Superman/Woman or a total dimwit! My feverish mind kept racing round and round until my hair hurt. And while I took small, incremental steps, others were zooming past me. - Then, one day, out of the blue, my former firebrand spirit emerged and gained enough momentum to make me spontaneously charge ahead in a full gallop, non-stop, until I could no longer breathe. I suppose, utter despair can inspire sudden boldness at some point. Wow, I really had run an impressive distance!! New landscape, new view, new people, but WHERE the heck was I?? I did some daring things which I would never have deemed suitable before, discovered latent talents, found new life approaches, and made some spontaneous, even slightly reckless, moves. WHO was this new person?? I no longer recognized myself or my surroundings. Others applauded and said: "YAY!!" "Great Progress! - I could never have done this and admire you!" It all looked and sounded great on the outside, but meanwhile I felt as if I had landed on Mars, and wondered: "What the hell am I doing here??" I had proven to myself that I could be bold and daring and could still think outside the box. So this should be something to celebrate one would think. YET, after having made this quantum leap and completely transforming my life, I suddenly felt confused and scared, and the old anxiety and panic caught up with me, only dressed differently this time. I had spontaneously stepped into the big 'dressing room of life' and tried on new experiences, new people and new approaches. But after I had made my purchases, and the initial rush of excitement about the novelty had abated, many of the acquired items felt "not right", and some felt like an "itchy sweater". - Another major mind game! For a long time my 'progress' felt like looking into a distortion mirror and left me confused and lost. - WHAT had I indeed accomplished? Was I any happier, or at least less Unhappy than before??? It was neither, only DIFFERENT! To assuage this big letdown, I tried to count my blessings, even the tiniest ones. Gratitude often gave me a little boost, but the most desired and needed element was still missing. Then I looked at the less fortunate and tried to focus on THEIR plight and helped wherever I could. - My new goal was to reach a state of inner peace and serenity, which is the foundation of all. Trying to free myself from the chokehold of anxiety and panic, I began to meditate, listened to guided meditation, did yoga, exercised, tried Reiki, took nature walks, traveled to beautiful shores - all in search of tranquility and peace. I'm still not "THERE" yet. On particularly challenging days, when some enlightened people give me the "It's all about the Journey, NOT the destination" speech, I want to throw a pie in their face - well, a very delicious one! ;D - The 'Living in the Moment' philosophy makes eminent sense to me, because all we have is only moments in time. BUT, what if that particular moment stinks to high heaven?? Where's the "reset switch" or the "OM button"?? - And so the quest for answers, peace and serenity continues for THIS traveler. It has been a very long journey, indeed! But despite all of the above ups and downs, I still seem to be an incurable Hope addict, determined to keep moving forward - at bare minimum not to retreat! I am open and receptive to change and look for some surprises from the universe. Someone said: "You never know what's around the corner!" Hmm,.. let's see! During one of my more placid moments I wrote the following: Grieving is very hard But so is rebuilding To start a new life Without having an inkling Where will it all lead No compass to guide A daunting task indeed That makes us want to hide We take some steps forward Breathe a big sigh of relief And just when we rejoice We're hit with new grief We wonder what's wrong When we thought we were done But then progress slows down And we're back to square one Each milestone achieved Oft' takes us back in turn And reminds us of that For which we still yearn It's a seemingly endless Drawn out tug of war As back and forth we go And wish upon a star New hopes and new dreams Take us up and then down Will the rollercoaster ever end We ask with a big frown It's a wearisome process And it tires, indeed But Forward we must go We must NOT retreat! We've come this far So let Hope be our guide To give us courage and trust As we take the next stride!! ~~~~~~~~~~ Thank you for reading! What has been YOUR experience? - Fast, slow lane, or something in between?? Tell us your story, please! ATJ

"Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and acting anyway." ~~ Robert Anthony MrsDan, The unknown always holds a certain element of doubt and apprehension. But the Road of Life itself is unknown and only reveals itself as it is traveled, as some philosopher once said. Today you made a decision that required courage and resolve. Another big hurdle has been jumped, even as done with trepidation in your heart. But that's what makes us grow as an individual and instills increasing confidence for the next steps ahead of us. And there will always be new steps, but our stride becomes more steady and confident along the way. Bit by bit the pieces will fall into place, even as you can't see it quite come together yet. Someone said that "Stairs are climbed one step at a time. Take the first, even if you can't see the top yet." - Well, you did it! Congratulations on seizing the moment and not letting the opportunity escape! My very best wishes to you and your daughter as you embark on this new adventure together! Standing with you in solidarity! ATJ

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm." ~~ Unknown (((Marian))) I'm so sorry to hear about your current struggle. Sometimes life can get really messy, and we don't have any handy remedy available. As always, we can only do our best and then just hang on. We've got a lot of practice at that, don't you think? I hope that things will improve soon! I'm sending you a BIG soothing HUG right now, can you feel it? There, let it all come out! Take good care of yourself! ATJ Wishing you Serenity in the middle of the storm!!

MrsDan, In the final analysis, everything we undertake is guesswork to some extent. Every major decision we make carries an inherent risk, and there are no guarantees, as we full well know. I can understand your conundrum in first and foremost having your daughter's best interest at heart. If I read you correctly, your primary objective is to strike the right balance here, which is not always easy to assess. Below are some quotes about risk taking and balance: "The biggest risk is not taking any risk..." ~~ Mark Zuckerberg There is some truth to that assertion, but it also depends on individual circumstances. And there is also a difference between blanket risk taking and calculated risk taking. I always did a cost/benefit analysis, carefully weighing the pros vs. the cons by making a detailed list of all factors involved. That helped me to get a better overview and brought me closer to making my final decision. When we lay it all out in writing - both pros and cons - sometimes, after careful review, we find that some of the things we initially considered more important begin to slightly shift when seen in totality, or "minor" items take on greater importance. It's like looking at the whole quilt instead of just a few patches. OR, it can indeed confirm your initial assessment and inclination. I believe that what you are seeking here is "Balance". Some time ago I read this quote: "To acquire balance means to achieve that happy medium between the minimum and the maximum which represents your optimum. The minimum is the least you can get by with. The maximum is the most you're capable of. The optimum is the amount or degree of anything that is most favorable toward the ends you desire." ~~ Nido Qubein You have to ask yourself what is Your 'OPTIMUM' - that which brings you closer to your desired end result?? What allows you to obtain or retain the most important and critical factors?? Nothing is ever 100% perfect, but careful consideration of ALL vital elements can bring you closer to your decision. And sometimes, even if it looks right on paper, but you still have an uneasy feeling inside about something, I always went with my intuition, which mostly guided me in the right direction. When you talk to your prospective employer again, lay out ALL of the items that are of critical importance and concern to you and see if they are willing/able to accommodate you. As the saying goes: "The devil lies in the details!" If both parties can come together in having their essential needs met, and there is some flexibility, then it should make it a lot easier for you to decide. Best of luck to you! ATJ

Well Done, MrsDan!! May the road ahead be paved with success and contentment! ATJ

"The heart that truly loves never forgets." ~~ Proverb ((DonnaP)) Five years is a significant marker! Wishing you Peace today and always. ATJ

"I learned to laugh, I learned to cry, But will I ever learn to say goodbye?" ~~ Unknown Author (((Carey))) I wish you healing of your broken heart. May Peace and Comfort surround you today and always! ATJ

"In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, And two minus one equals nothing." ~~ Mignon McLaughlin ((Hugs)) to you, OneNow! ATJ

((lcoxwell)) Your post takes me back to those times as if it was just yesterday.- Yes, my psyche reacted like clockwork, and I could feel it on a cellular level. My husband died on a Friday morning. If I was able to get any sleep at all, I woke up with a full-fledged panic attack every single day, my body shaking and trembling so bad that I had trouble getting off the bed and taking even a few steps. Then I looked at the clock. Then each Friday became another trigger, until I started counting in months. And the same pattern repeated. I felt ill in body and mind even a week before the monthly 'anniversary' and just wanted time to stand still, not "go there". For almost a year I was barely able to eat anything. When my husband was alive and well, he used to often tell me that "chocolate was not a substitute for regular food", because it was my all-time favorite, and I often had a piece in the morning with some milk for breakfast. He wanted me to eat nutritious food instead. Then I jokingly told him "If I'm ever in the hospital in a critical condition, have them hook me up to a "Chocolate IV and I'll be fine." But after he died, chocolate literally made me sick for years. Grief can do a real number on us, not just in our head and emotions but also express itself physically and quite powerfully. For over a year my heart would literally ache constantly with this dull pain, and I felt as If an elephant was sitting on my chest. My stomach constantly hurt, and anxiety was ever present, around the clock. Our body often even reacts before we are actually aware of our thoughts. It's the "cellular memory". "Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making." ~~ Stephanie Ericsson And someone else said: "The punctuation of anniversaries is terrible, like the closing of doors, one after another, between you and what you want to hold on to." ~~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh Unfortunately it can't be controlled by sheer willpower to make it go away. You were also a long-time caregiver, just like I, and that somehow seems to exacerbate matters because we were so 'in tune' with our spouses' every single move and constantly watched over them. Then, when they are gone, it almost feels like physical withdrawal from a powerful controlling substance, thus the physical manifestations. I know that hearing this won't make you feel better, but at least you know that you are not alone in this. "May you be able to accept the seasons of your heart Just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over the fields. May serenity be yours as you walk through the winters of your grief." ~~ Kahlil Gibran - Wishing you gentler and more peaceful days ahead! ATJ

Since several of you have asked me to post about my lengthy Rebuilding struggle - a roller coaster ride that may want you to have your "barf bag" in hand ;D - I will do so in a few days. But first let's give those others with happier stories a chance to respond to Bluebird's thoughtful and uplifting post. We are all in the same lifeboat together. So let's stand in solidarity. BUT, you may want to throw me overboard after reading my post. Always be careful what you wish for! ATJ

(((Lost))) I heard your cry of pain. And, yes, the missing never seems to go away! Several years ago I wrote a poem, perhaps it will resonate with you: "The Heart won't forget" The heart won't forget Neither the love nor the pain It always keeps track Of that which matters -- Nothing can ever erase The ones we have loved It's written inside With an indelible seal And can't be wiped out Now and forever With each pulse and each beat It brings them along They're always a part Wherever life takes us They walk at our side Our love shall remain Unto ages of ages Two souls intertwined Now and forever Belonging to each other Until time stands still ~~~~~~~~ May Peace and Comfort embrace your wounded heart! ATJ

(((Bluebird,))) You are a treasure and so encouraging! Thank you for this! But most people like looking at the brand new model of a shining car in the showroom, and are really not interested in how it was engineered, the many steps and revisions it took, and when the design stage sometimes came to a temporary halt. I have definitely made progress and am determined to move farther, as much as is in my control. I've been open to change and everything that the universe will offer me. But I am STILL an 'unfinished product' not ready for rolling out into the showroom. My state is still more about continued perseverance, not giving up, and holding onto hope - having reached a plateau and raising many new questions. The 'sausage making process' is messy. People like a winner and a success story. YOU and the others who are responding are just that, and I am very happy for you! I remember when I was little, and my father would read a fairytale story to me. I would feverishly wait until I heard the words: "And they lived happily ever after!" Then my little heart would breathe a big sigh of relief, and I thought that's how real life would turn out as well - after difficult struggles and perseverance, a happy ending would be guaranteed. Well, now I do know that life is a little different, and does not always reward effort and determination in equal measure. Input does not always equal output. But I'm still a dreamer at heart and want to believe that "the sun will come out tomorrow!" A work in progress amid ongoing struggle! The best I can aspire to at the moment is this: "When I'm not afraid to fall down, falling down won't feel like failure. I have fallen down enough to get more comfortable with it, to know how productive it can be, how necessary it is to growth. Still, when I sense the ground beneath me giving way, I have to remind myself that it's OK if I falter. I have to remind myself that it's more than OK!" ~~ Jan Denise ATJ

Bluebird, This is almost mental telepathy. I have just finished writing a post about "Rebuilding" and wanted to hear about others' experiences. I am not quite the "happy camper" that You are, but there has been transformation and forward movement, at times sporadic and more labored, and still open-ended. So I don't know what to do with my post because it doesn't quite fit in here with the "fast trackers", and it doesn't make sense to post it separately, because it's more about the process of rebuilding and how we got to where we are now. Either way, yours is a great idea and will give encouragement to others! Mostly, I am VERY happy that things are beginning to look up for you!!! ATJ

@Bluebird @WifeLess @BrokenHeart2 @Carey Many thanks for your very warm and reassuring words! Through your feedback you have given me the gift of encouragement, when holding onto Hope often falters and its flame dims. "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it, is like wrapping a present and not giving it." ~~ William Arthur Ward I appreciate your taking the time and sending it. It has been received with a grateful heart! Light and Blessings to you! ATJ And thank you to those who gave me an encouraging nod through the 'Like' button.