HvnBound

I was sitting on the bed, looking at the clock this morning at 6:30 and thought, wow, five years ago I had no idea of what was about to happen, but at 6:30 I was sound asleep after he woke up around 4am to tell me we had to go to his dialysis appointment, so I reminded him that we changed the time to 11am and he fell back to sleep.....then I woke up yet again at 7:35 am (I woke up every morning at 7:35 am from Christmas Day 2011 until May 4 2012, weird I know), then I woke up at 7:35 to run to the restroom, then found him not breathing....and the rest you know, he died. I found the ywbb 2 weeks later and read everything, I was in the chat room every night, I went to multiple bagos and minibagos and I grew. When I was at 13 weeks I posted - I am a more direct person now than I ever was before. I am a survivor and I will do all of the things on my bucket list and I will live. - those were some bold words for me at the time, but I was determined to fight. I held to those words when things were hard, and they sure were hard. I have met some goals I set - Lost weight and kept if off, organized my home, I have a decent job that pays the bills, I emptied my home and got rid of 95% of my things, my home is now on the market so if anyone in Illinois near Saint Louis is interested - I will happily send you the link , it is a 4 bed 2 bath bi-level home for $40K as is. I learned that he paid $35K for the home in 1984, makes me sort of sad since we redid the upstairs in 2008. I am still so thankful to my wonderful neighbors who watch my now emptied home. They are the best! I have been with the same man now 3.5 years, we got engaged last spring and am now waiting for my house to sell. The past few months have been difficult, emptying the home, seeing all of the photos and mementos from vacations that DH & I took together, the process of getting rid of the things were hard but the feeling after it is now done is so much lighter, I feel lighter, like a ton has been lifted off of me....no more worrying about how messy the house is because it is empty. My new goals are simple - to find a new job that is closer to home (sick of working every Saturday and driving 34 miles one way to work), sell the house, and to continually try my best to be the best I can be and to live my life to the fullest!!! Take care everyone! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the support you have given me these past 5 years

Thank you everyone!!! I went to the bank and was told my credit score - I was surprised because I did not pay a few credit card bills yet and thought my credit was horrible, but she said since I paid every month for 6 years on my minivan, now 11 yrs old and 219K miles, I qualified for a loan so I can pay off the entire debt to date!!!! I get to keep the home. If my house was 10 miles south or east, it would be in a safe area and the property value would be good. My home is in a declining village, there is a house fire once a month, a few home invasions per year, and in the past 2 years, I have heard gunfire. Time to move and time to sell. DH paid $35K in 1984, in 2006 the home was worth $115K, now it is hopefully $55K. I want to move farther west 30 more minutes because the area is growing. It is a safe area and I never hear of home invasions and shootings like in my old village. I have been working for an insurance company and have taken quite a few claims from landlords who have to repair the damages left behind by a tenant when they didn't pay their rent, no thank you, that changed my mind, lol. Next steps are to empty the home, put it on the market as is, sell it, pay the loan off and then put the rest in savings, save for a 'new to me' vehicle, rent an apt and keep moving. I love this community!!!

Hey all, Sorry, it has been a long time since I have posted, I mostly just read nowadays but sometimes, things are just too hard. I have a wonderful man in my life, have a decent paying job that is permanent, am eating 3 meals a day, still in shape, living with my guy but - In August I went to check on the house and found two notices taped to the door, one stated to move or license the derelict vehicle, get a trash service and cut the grass or by the following week, get fined $500. I mowed the grass and got a neighbor kid to finish the back yard, had the village tow the vehicle since the state voided the title back in 2008 and the official owner never got it from my driveway in 4 years, and advised the village that I no longer live there so no trash service is needed, so that stuff is taken care of. The problem is the second notice - it shows I have until 11/11 to pay $4500 or I can lose my home. I did not know this since I failed to open multiple mailings over the past 4 years since I did not have a decent paying job til now, it was either pay property taxes or have food, electricity, water, gas, I chose the latter. If not for this company 'buying' my taxes, the total amount owed would be $6500 but due to charges, fees, taxes, etc., I will owe about $4500 by 11/11/16. The second due date is 5/10/17 - that is when I will owe another amount, $3,300, then 05/9/18 I will owe $2600. I am scared I may lose my home. It is the only thing that I have left that is worth anything, there was no life insurance and my BIL paid for the funeral. I sold DH's shotgun, my MIL's coins and furniture in auctions just to survive after unemployment ran out, found I can live quite cheaply when I need to do so. I had to vent, because when I struggle with something, if I vent on here I tend to follow thru, lol, and get things done. I ask for your prayers or good thoughts. I have got to get ready and go to the bank to find out if I will qualify for a loan. I am scared I will be turned down. When I was widowed in May 2012, I went to bagos and minibagos in multiple states for the next year or so, until the credit card companies stopped my credit, I was optimistic and thought I would actually get a job back in my field as a work comp adjuster but that still has not happened. I now am doing the same job I did at the age of 27. I am now also getting paid $11 less per hour than what I earned in 2011, thankfully I received $320 in unemployment from October 2011 to October 2012. My parents are amazed at how I survived. I am too. I just have to get moving on this, if I get turned down then I will figure something else out. DH paid $35K for the home in 1984. I hope to at least sell it for that amount, but hope for $55K, it is a nice home, 4 beds, 2 baths, bi-level with a view of a cool airport that has a fireworks display every July 4th. This journey has truly sucked but thanks to the wisdom of the wids before me, I continue to strive to move forward with my life, I continue to try to be stronger, I continue to try new things, I will not f***ing give up. I will survive this too. I just hope that I can survive it, with a loan getting approved, so I can then sell this house, I hope to have some money left over for savings, after selling the home and paying off the loan. So if you read all the way to the end, thank you. I always am long winded on here. If anyone has any advice please share your advice. Please pray or think positive thoughts for me because now I am getting up, going to get dressed and go to the bank.

In chat now with an idling PhotoJunkie, my first time back in chat in a loooonnnnngggg while

@Photojunkie Really? All you have to do is send me a PM and I will meet up with you, we have shared so much over the years. I think you are a cool chick, send me a PM and I will happily meet up with you and....you can see my first tattoo Doesn't that tempt you? LOL! I moved from Illinois to Missouri in July, plus, I really want to see your bike. It is totally up to you.

Congrats!!! I am so happy for the two of you

Hi. I set up my first minibago at 8 weeks out at an Olive Garden in St Louis....my home was a mess so there was no way I would invite anyone over. I think your idea is pretty cool - board games and food? Cool. I hope this takes off for you cause bagos are the best healing thing around. Good luck to you!

My first check deposited into the bank, I checked first thing this morning....what a relief! I can survive one more month, the check from this week will pay for next month, the next to pay some of me and BF's bills (yes, I moved in and am finally getting lots of rest and feel great), and the next to SAVE!!! It has been hard, I have not told many of how hard it has been, but it has been an absolute struggle at times. I have had electricity and water turned off, had to borrow from 2 friends, my Dad paid my homeowner's insurance for over a year til I told him to stop last year, pay other family back too. I sold my furniture to get money during the baseball off season and worked two part time jobs. I remember working at the retail store at Busch Stadium and having the thought that I should do this job the best I can so that things would work out so I would get the job I needed. I used to have this habit of drinking to go to sleep but after meeting this guy the need to do so left. Now I have to eat more to make up the difference, and that is another thing - I have an appetite again. Working helps. Got to go now to finish off the second week at my new job. Don't give up, it gets better.

(((Candace))) I am so sorry that you are going thru this, big hugs to you.

Thank you everyone! The day of my interview a lady recognized me from when we worked together in 2006 and spoke up for me. She also was the person who was to train me, on my first day we caught up on what happened since. Of course I told her my story, which included my widowhood, jobs, new interests like dance and motorcycles....then I learned about her story - she was widowed after being married just 9 months, this was when she was in her twenties, now she is in her fifties, never knew that about her before but she shared that she lost close friends and close family members in the process and that she had to struggle to survive and now is happily married for about 20 years. Small world. It is funny that at major steps in my journey, it seems like I always run into a wid, who has been there, who yet again shows me that I will survive this....and I will thrive. I do love the job, it is easy and I love working days again. I did receive a call from my old boss but I ignored the call, my guess is that he really needed my help Tuesday night, no thanks, no more working til 1 or 2 in the morning. Now looking forward to my first check next Friday!!! Whooo hoooo!

Finally, after struggling to just simply survive these past three years, having to sell my furniture or to get a part time job that only lasted a month or less during the off season, I got a job starting on Monday that will pay almost double of what I was earning at the stadium!!! I am so freaking happy No more working nights at the stadium! No more paying union dues when the Cards play in town, no more paying $7.75 to park when it is game day! I will actually be able to start saving money now, I just cannot believe it. I am blessed! Thanks to all of you who sent positive vibes or prayers my way! I have been so patient and finally it has paid off. I will be working in an office Monday thru Friday

AG, I understand what you mean about the decluttering and seeing things that Jim will never see or touch again. You and I discussed our differences and how much our journeys are alike and different at the same time. Your marriage was different than mine and so is your journey. You have been such an amazing help and have given me excellent advice over these past three years. I treasure our friendship. All that being said, I have decluttered quite a bit of late and at first it was very hard, but as nokindadancer pointed out, it gets easier as time went by, I felt empowered almost because I could see progress in the room I was working in, so it motivated me to be able to clean enough so maybe I could actually see the top of the desk or the cabinet. My place was a mess! It also became a mess multiple times, after I would clean it would reclutter itself, I swear there are gremlins in the house. I am proud of you for your hard work, cause it is hard! Please take care and know that we all get it, hugs to you AG!!!

"I had no idea I could feel this happy. I didn't know I could love like this or be loved like this. I don't come on here very often but I just wanted somewhere that I could write that I am surviving and moving forward. Somehow I made it." ^^^^^^ This - makes me so happy for you!!!

At around the 16 month mark, I received a bill and a paper to sign saying that I agree to pay for his dialysis treatment during the week we were in Florida on vacation in September 2011. I tore it up and threw it away. They should have gotten his signature at the time of treatment, not after he died. They never sent another bill.

Great question, I thought there was a way to mark things as private, just not sure where it is or how to do it. There are lots of IT folks on here who will know the answer I am sure.