ATJ

Always In My Heart You are always in my heart Even though you're far away, I can hear the music of The song of love I sang with you. You are always in my heart, And when skies above are grey, I remember that you care And then and there The sun breaks through. Just before I go to sleep There's a rendezvous I keep, And a dream I always meet Helps me forget we're far apart. I don't know exactly when, But I'm sure we'll meet again, And my darling, till we do, You are always in my heart! ~~ Kim Gannon & Ernesto Lecuona ATJ

Good one, @Questions !! ;D ATJ

@Mizpah - I hereby declare you my official "Serenity Guru"!! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it! ATJ

(((Jess))) I can so relate to this! Exactly 4 years ago I moved to a new place and left behind the only home I had ever shared with my husband for over 20 years. - Moving, even under the best of circumstances, is stressful, but in our case it takes on quite a different connotation. Each miniscule or large, inanimate object, no matter how trivial, seems to come to life and wake a dormant memory. The entire process becomes a seemingly endless walk down memory lane. It is not about packing the contents of a house, but it is the painful sifting through and boxing up a former treasured life. It becomes a "life inventory" and with it heavy emotional decisions about what to carry forward or to let go. And the very walls of the structure are no longer just walls. They were the guardians and protectors that stood witness to the countless daily events, the sorrows shared, the happy celebrations, and the special, intimate moments. Moving represents the physical and emotional dismantling of a life that started full of hopes and dreams. It asks us to bid farewell to the enclosure that provided warmth and comfort and represented 'Home', the place where our heart resided. Someone said that for every ending there is a new beginning. And so - "We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us." ~~ Joseph Campbell May 'the bridge of transition' lead you to a bright and hopeful destination! (((Special Moving Hugs))) ATJ

"I would rather make mistakes in Kindness and Compassion than work miracles in Unkindness and hardness." ~~ Mother Theresa ATJ

Mike, Yes, "this one thing" keeps following us. Nine years! What an expanse of time spent without that special person closest to your heart. For most of us, I believe, there isn't any "getting over it", we only learn to live with it and try to tuck away that ache deep in the recesses of our soul. I have repeatedly said that time is both our friend and enemy. It does to some extent soften the rawness, but it also lets us feel deeply their growing absence. "Death is not a game which will soon be over. It's the absence of presence, The endless time of never coming back ... A gap you can't see, and when the wind blows through it, It makes no sound..." ~~ Tom Stoppard (British Playwright) It is indeed painful when the beloved person slowly fades into a memory, like being on a ship, sailing on the ocean, and slowly watching the shore recede farther into the distance. I wish you Peace! ATJ

(((BrokenHeart2))) So very sorry to hear this! I am thinking of you and wish you strength to get through this very painful time! ATJ

(((Sugarbell))) I do hope that outsiders won't spoil your "sacred place". And NO, you aren't selfish about this at all! It's a natural reaction wanting to protect places that have special meaning to us, an inner oasis where we find peace and nurture our soul, as you say. We want to claim it as "ours" and preserve the space where we can withdraw from the world and leave our worries behind. I once had a place like that and lost it, and I so miss it! Therefore I can understand how you feel. May the "Sage Goddess" be with you! Sending lots of positive energy your way and hoping that you'll have a good time despite the "intruders". May the incense and sage work their magic! If not, give those "Stepfordites" a quick shove down a ravine. ;D ATJ

@canadiangirl Thank you for your kind feedback! I'm inclined to see the advantage of your and Mizpah's reasoning, since my own way has not exactly been a "stellar success". ;D Unfortunately, we are all 'hardwired' in a certain way, and for ME Indifference is one of the most difficult things to master, in particular when I have made a long-time emotional investment in people. Hard to believe, but it actually felt better when I would sometimes fly into a spontaneous fit of anger or seething rage. It momentarily stopped the pain and gave me a temporary sense of empowerment. Only, afterwards I felt drained and often numb. Come to think of it, that's preferable to the lingering sadness, which conveys a sense of helplessness. - And I do believe that indifference is actually the worst punishment, because people become invisible on our emotional radar screen and are reduced to "nothing". @Questions I appreciate your very kind and insightful response! You are so right about the "cumulative effect" it has had on us and also about the sometimes involuntary memory retrieval, which makes us relive the entire painful death scenario. "The memory presents to us not what we choose but what it pleases." ~~ Michel De Montaigne Indeed, the harder I often try to forget, the more persistently the memory intrudes! And Yes, the "unfinished business" - a very troublesome aspect for me!! I've never been good at unresolved situations. It would also be easier for me to accept if there had been a bitter quarrel or at least some disagreement preceding it. But it was none of the kind. Quite the opposite, I was assured of how much I was loved while they simultaneously retreated and eventually completely vanished. To ME that is the biggest 'mind bleep' of all times, and it wreaked havoc with my sense of sanity, which had already been severely shaken through the manner of my husband's death. So, on yet another anniversary, my mind wanders back and only sees question marks, fragmented pieces, and "unfinished business", which I find demoralizing. It makes me wonder about the value of investing in any human relationships and makes me miss my husband even more. Many newcomers have disappointed as well, but they were an easy "write-off", since there was not much investment on my part, with One exception. This has been true of different age groups, cultural backgrounds, and applies to women and men. Overall, it has made me quite disillusioned and cynical about humanity, which is regretful. I used to be so optimistic and only wanted to see the best in others. The oddest thing about this is that these disappointments have come from people who SEEMED so kind, sincere and trustworthy. But, perhaps my radar is no longer working since I MAY have wanted to believe that there are still reliable people out there. Yikes, I just realized that I derailed my own thread - all the way from forgiveness and serenity to lack of trust in humanity. Nice job, ATJ! - I'll chalk it up to "double anniversary syndrome". Peace to you both!

Thank you to all of those who have replied and shared their own experiences with us! In life we often come to a juncture where some wrongdoing by others has put a heavy burden on our shoulders and darkens our spirit. Carrying this extra load can make us feel weary and dispirited for a long time, and we have to decide how to deal with it. Sadly, MANY of us have experienced this, especially throughout widowhood, which seems to become an automatic multiplier for such "opportunities". From reading the various stories here, and countless other posts over the years, so many of us have been let down and deeply hurt at the lowest point in our life by people whom we trusted, loved and counted on, whether it be family or cherished friends. Each of us has to find a way of processing and dealing with this. The effects of betrayal and wrongdoing are exacerbated after we have already been dealt a cruel blow by life and feel deeply wounded. Especially if it happens on a larger scale, it can make us feel totally abandoned and alone and questioning the nature of humanity. No logical explanation or even magnanimous intent on our part can find an excuse for such often deplorable behavior. And so, we keep carrying this load in addition to the already overwhelming burden on our shoulders, day in and day out. It seems so disheartening and is deeply troubling. Often, and understandably so, our hurt turns into anger and resentment, or deep disdain toward the perpetrators of these callous acts. Some were perhaps a bit more predictable, but others hit us like lightning from the blue sky. With rare exceptions, few of us can simply shrug our shoulders and walk away from it, simply saying "They aren't worth it!" For most of us it becomes an inner struggle to process this great disappointment and hurt, and like a dark shadow, it follows us. I carried this burden for a long time, and my emotions vacillated between pain, flaring anger and deep, lingering resentment. It aggravated the already bleeding, gashing wound inflicted by death. Therefore, I eventually felt that I needed to do something to eliminate this additional pain. I wasn't able to change death and how I felt about it, but perhaps I could find a better way of dealing with THIS problem. And so, I thought of forgiveness and then 'letting go', thus unburdening myself from the extra load I carried. I made countless, sincere attempts, only to come full circle, back to anger and resentment again and again. At first I tried to use logic and convince myself that THEY probably just did not know how to handle the magnitude of what had happened in my life, that it scared them, and this was the cause of their behavior. But, this explanation did not sit well at all with my emotions, which fiercely rebelled, arguing that people of any decency and integrity would not behave in such a callous, selfish manner. I knew that *I* had never done so in the past in similar situations, but instead reached out to people and tried to give support. As much as I attempted, for my own sake, to find some exculpatory reason or an ameliorating aspect to explain away their behavior, NOTHING made me feel better by even one iota. But, I felt so crushed and overwhelmed by grief and pain that I needed to remove this additional hurtful element from my psyche. For a long time I played a mental "ping pong game" about how to proceed. I just wanted to "let go" and never look back. This was not prompted by some noble instinct or based on altruism, but purely for the sake of self-preservation. Many attempts were made, only to boomerang on me. I kept reading about it and hearing from others, including people in the psychological and spiritual arena, that forgiveness was the only answer to free oneself from this emotional ballast, and so I continued trying. How nice it would be to reach a mental conclusion and then simply follow through with great equanimity! But what helped in pursuing this intent, was the fact that I understood that in forgiving, I did NOT condone their behavior, nor even wanted to include these people in my life in the future. We could never be the same again. I simply wanted to be free from this unnecessary burden, because it was draining my aggregate energy. In business the term "forgiving debt", is used, which means canceling and writing it off in the books, and then starting with a fresh set of numbers. So I began cleaning up my emotional balance sheet. Mizpah said that she does not believe in forgiveness and can just leave these people behind, that they become irrelevant to her, and they don't deserve to be shown benevolence. Her ability of dealing with it seems to be so much more straightforward than the agonizing path I followed. But I am not capable of handling these emotional conflicts in such a perhaps more logical fashion. And so I kept practicing and adjusting my mental and emotional paradigm until I finally was able to forgive and "let go". This act did indeed ease some of the great heaviness I had carried for so long. I had not done it in order for THEM to feel better - they didn't even know about it - I had done it for Myself. "I think the first step is to understand that forgiveness does not exonerate the perpetrator. Forgiveness liberates the victim. It's a gift you give yourself." ~~ T. D. Jakes As Mizpah pointed out, specifically relating to this issue, there are many "grey" areas, which is true of most things in life. And therefore, forgiveness did NOT result in an instant resolution to my problem. My remaining, complicating factor is that while I have released the negative feelings, my mental data bank could not be erased, and therefore a lingering sadness has replaced the former anger and resentment. I wonder if I can ever leave it behind in its totality. It is intriguing how MUCH easier it is for me to dismiss wrongdoing by people with whom I do not have an emotional connection. In those cases the anger and resentment eventually subside on their own, and these people do indeed become irrelevant and "nothing" to me. But I have always placed the highest value on true friendship and quite carefully selected people, moving Very slowly before I considered someone a friend. Once a friend, it was meant to be a lifetime bond, to be honored through loyalty and love. I've never had many people in my life whom I described as true friends. Most of them were/are acquaintances, class mates, colleagues, neighbors or even just fellow widows. Therefore, this disappointment carried much more weight. "Be slow to fall into friendship; But when thou art in, Continue firm and constant." ~~ Socrates Life, human relationships and emotions are very complex and often confusing, and the longer I live, the less I seem to understand. It would be nice to have a magic eraser to wipe out all that is troublesome to our heart and mind. Today, for instance, is my wedding anniversary, and tomorrow my husband's birthday. It's been building up under the surface for over a week, even so many years later. I wish I had an "emotional neutralizer" for this as well. - And so, the quest for a greater sense of serenity continues... Wishing Peace and Serenity to everyone! Namaste, ATJ

A wee bit of heaven Drifted down from above - A handful of happiness, A heart full of love. The mystery of life, So sacred and sweet - The giver of joy So deep and complete. Precious and priceless, So lovable, too - The world's sweetest miracle, Baby, is You! ~~ Helen Steiner Rice (((deedee))) May the universe rain Blessings on You and your little Girl!! ATJ

(((Kpgct))) Your post hit me in the solar plexus and tears were streaming! How incredibly sad to lose such a loving, treasured friend in this horrible way. I am an SOS and know the special burden that comes with it. My heart aches for You, and also for her and her beautiful soul. She was a precious gift! "A true friend reaches for your hand and touches your heart." ~~ Author Unknown "But Oh for the touch of a vanished hand, And the sound of a voice that is still!" ~~ Lord Alfred Tennyson SEVEN years later, as you say, and the loss still greatly impacts you. You miss him, and him alone. - The passage of time is a great paradox. It can soothe and calm to some extent, but it also lets us experience on a deep, visceral level "the absence of presence" and "the endless time of never coming back" -- Tom Stoppard - Especially during times of distress, our heart reaches back to the One, and the loss is not any easier to bear, as you say. I agree! I wrote a short Haiku for you: Plight of the widow - Where are the arms around us? We weep silent tears. No one understands The loneliness of our soul, The cries of the heart. To have and to hold - The promise given to us, An empty dream now. Just one more embrace When we are lonely and hurt. What gift it would be! ------------- You can lean on me, Share your heaviness with me I walk at your side! May you always be the Keeper of his Flame, And may its warmth embrace your troubled Heart! (((HUGS))) to You! ATJ

(((BrokenHeart2))) I just saw your post, and I do understand the fear and related pain about our loved one becoming forgotten, reduced to a merely random memory for others. One of the hardest parts for many of us is that life and others simply move on as if nothing had happened. We are the only "keepers of the flame". The painful reality is that to us, our life has imploded, whereas to others it's a sad little memory at best. I always found it particularly hard that even the people who knew my husband for a very long time, including his own family, never mentioned his name, and when I even just casually brought it up, there was a dead silence, and the subject was quickly changed. "To the world You may be just one person, but to One person You are The World." ~~ Brandi Snyder I remember struggling with certain dates. At first it was days. When he was gone for an entire week, it felt unbearable that life had just moved on, and the world kept turning on its axis. Then came the monthly "ritual" until it crossed the one year mark. But I still would say: "It's been one year and "X months". - After year two, I no longer counted the months because the number kept scarily increasing, but it was equally disturbing to now have to measure in YEARS. I desperately wanted to stop the hands of time. "They say that time heals all wounds, but all it's done so far is give me more time to think about how much I miss you!" ~~ Ezbeth Wilder I felt like this as well! In a few days I'll have to face my wedding anniversary and the next day his birthday, followed by the anniversary of his death exactly one month later. This year will be a huge landmark for me, and somehow it has set off the inner alarm bells ahead of time. I'm trying to block it out, but my heart is the emotional "tornado siren", which won't allow me to do so. The passage of time can be both soothing, as well as feeling farther adrift, wondering if it all was just a dream. It's a lonely feeling which nobody else can share with us, especially years later. The most important thing is that they keep on living in our hearts and that WE will never forget! "To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die." ~~ Thomas Campbell In honor of your beloved husband! (((HUGS))) to you! ATJ

SoVerySad said: "Grieving by its nature is selfish, isn't it" kjs1989 said: "I agree SoVerySad, really, the bottom line is that this is our own journey. We have to figure it out on our own. It is selfish by nature." I agree with and liked the sum of what BOTH of you had to say! BUT, I do deviate from describing our way of dealing with grief and its challenging, myriad aspects as "selfish". Instead, I would describe it as perhaps "self-preservation" or "survival technique". Sometimes I think that those outsiders have actually done a pretty good job by brainwashing us into believing that we are indeed guilty of some 'shortfall', that we ARE "selfish", and I reject that!! I have even had fellow widows apologize to ME for shedding a tear or talking about their struggle. Society has done a "real number" on us, I would say! One would never associate the term "selfish" with a person who was physically, gravely wounded and who needs time to recover, no matter HOW long the restoration process takes. In contrast, our deep, gashing inner wound is NOT visible to the eyes of others, and is therefore flippantly dismissed and equated to perhaps a mere cold from which one is expected to recover in a week. This is by NO MEANS a criticism of either of You!! But I think that we have indeed been brainwashed by society at large for so long, that we MAY even begin to feel apologetic ourselves. We ARE alone in this, and it therefore consumes most of our energy to simply hold on and slowly learn to walk again, step by tiny step. However, I have also seen so many widowed people who still care about others and even lend a helping hand in the middle of their own travail, just as I have done. I would only see it as 'selfish' if we had lost our humanity and no longer cared about anyone else, or acted in a disrespectful or harmful manner to others. Again, I do believe that by necessity we are learning self-preservation and develop survival techniques, which is an exhausting, lengthy process. Therefore, don't beat yourself for not being able to run a metaphorical marathon race!! Outsiders dump enough of that on us! In short, You are NOT selfish!! You deserve admiration for courageously fighting this lonely battle! Sending positive energy to all of you! Special (((HUGS))) to SoVerySad and kjs1989 !! ATJ

(((Losttogether))) Outsiders do not understand the all-encompassing effect of the loss of a spouse, the seemingly endless process of having to let go of yet another part that was connected to our relationship. It's not just one big thing, but the million little things we shared and which tied us together - from the very mundane to the most intimate aspects. This steady process of attrition is very painful and takes longer than even WE could have ever imagined. Time is both our friend and enemy. Time can dull and soften the rawness of the initial pain, but it also feels like being on a ship and watching the shore recede farther into the distance. And it lets us feel on a very visceral level "the absence of presence" - "the endless time of never coming back", as Tom Stoppard, the British playwright, said. And so, we desperately want to preserve and hold onto the many tiny, little threads which made up the large, beautiful tapestry of our loving relationship and deep bond. But over time the threads become frayed and break away, and the person we loved so dearly gradually changes from the former vital human being into a memory, as much as we want to fight against it. "The saddest moment is when the person who gave you the best memories, becomes a memory." ~~ Unknown Someone else said: "You can't hug a memory!", and that is so true. - Learning the "art of letting go" is a monumental and painful task, and it takes time, much longer than we could have ever imagined. Alas ... "We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us. ~~ Joseph Campbell A tall order indeed! Wishing you Peace, Strength and Courage as you learn to 'let go'! ATJ

Sugarbell, Bless you for giving back after having suffered great tragedy and facing the challenges of being an only parent! I wish You and your little family a very happy and fulfilled Life! ATJ

SoVerySad, These labels are indeed often attached to us by people who are emotionally clueless and utterly insensitive. Even long before I was married, I always felt extremely sad for people who had lost a loved one, and I would often carry that feeling with me for quite a while. And when I met such people in person, I always wished I could wave a magic wand to make it all right for them. Perhaps losing my mother at a young age helped making me more empathetic, but even as a child it hurt me to see other people in pain, and all I wanted to do was help. How can we be expected to feel empathy for others if WE are not allowed to feel pain and express it?? And adding insult to injury, we are supposed to feel guilty or ashamed of it. How utterly shallow, self-absorbed, soulless and callous these people are! It's like a wealthy person living an opulent lifestyle telling a homeless person to just "snap out of it". Another expression I HATE is 'Pity Party', when a legitimate, hurtful situation is addressed, and equating it with dwelling on frivolous nuisances. "Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color." ~~ W.S. Merwi HELL, No!! We aren't masochists who derive pleasure from holding onto pain and reveling in it and then expecting a trophy! These ignoramuses make my blood boil! I think they should read what the all-encompassing loss of a spouse entails, as @WifeLess so comprehensively once wrote in an article titled "Unique and Devastating Loss". But I bet, that even that wouldn't penetrate their thick Neanderthal skull and bring any illumination. ;D I was once told by a former friend that she felt very sorry that I derived my Self-Worth from being an "appendant" to a spouse. Huh?? Ignorant, people come up with the most outlandish accusations and speculations. And SHE is a minister's wife! Heaven help us all! Such comments are deeply insulting! Sadly, they often come from people whom we before considered kind and compassionate, which makes it even more hurtful and perplexing. - Like You, I am happy for others who have intact marriages and families, even into old age. But that is not mutually exclusive with also feeling sadness that I no longer have it. AMEN to every word you said above!! "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew." ~~ Anonymous And therefore, how can we NOT keep missing that person? Moving on with life and seeking meaning and joy again, does NOT mean acting as if nothing had happened, never reflecting on it, or still missing that person. I wonder how these same people would feel if they could envision their own demise, and seeing their loved ones seamlessly and merrily go on their way without missing a beat, just taking enough time for the funeral. This does NOT mean that our deceased loved ones don't want us to have a good and fulfilling life again! I have to say it again: I really detest shallow people, and don't feel the slightest guilt over it!! ;D May your Life become bright and hopeful again, even as you will never forget! Best wishes to you, ATJ

@Bluebird - Thank you for your thoughts on this! I did not mean to imply that an all-encompassing sense of serenity can be derived from a single behavior modification or attitudinal change toward a group of people. In this case I was hoping to find peace/serenity specifically relating to my friends. I have often heard it said that forgiveness brings inner peace, and it has been my experience in the past as well, as it related to individual people. In this case, however, forgiving them did NOT bring me peace/serenity, but lingering sadness instead. That's what I alluded to. To attain a lasting, Global sense of Serenity is a lifetime endeavor, which no single act of will or surrender can accomplish. But even an incremental approach in that direction is desirable to me, carving out small pieces and moments of serenity in the midst of inner turmoil. "If it's serenity you're searching for, it's close by. All you have to do is resign as General Manager of the Universe." ~~ Debbie Ford ATJ

@66etype Thank you for your response. But I have to clarify something, in case you misunderstood what I was trying to express. By NO means did the abandonment by my friends compare to the unspeakable pain I felt for the loss of my husband!! What it did do, however, was to compound it by leaving me standing alone, bloodied and torn, staring at the ash heap of my life. This post is about Forgiveness and trying to attain Serenity through it, NOT about a comparable loss to my husband. ATJ

Wishing that ... "All shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well!" ~~ T.S. Eliot Peace and (((HUGS))) to you, Maureen! ATJ

((Questions)) Thank you for this heartfelt, reflective post. The song of the Mourning Dove is indeed hauntingly beautiful. Its sorrowful timber resonates with the deep yearning of the soul, a painful longing that words can't express. With deep hues it paints a mural of loneliness and desolation of the heart, a yearning for the one who represents "home". We all sing our own, unique song of mourning, but in joining the soulful chorus with others, we feel less alone. Thank you for opening your heart to us. But Oh for the touch of a vanished hand And the sound of a voice that is still! ~~ Lord Alfred Tennyson Peace and comfort to all other chorus members! ATJ

Betrayal > Hurt > Resentment > Forgiveness > Serenity A sequential, enlightened view of cause and effect! In theory it seemed plausible, and therefore logic suggested that it was worth contemplating. - After a long struggle, an "Aha!" Moment had finally been reached. I do believe that holding grudges and resentment is harmful to us and poisons our own well. It is also a waste of precious time, whose ephemeral nature is known all too well. Even the most legitimate reasons for harboring negative sentiments are ultimately detrimental to our overall wellbeing. Therefore, reason suggests to release the harmful detritus and venom to set ourselves free. After my husband's tragic death, people whom I had loved and treasured, with whom I had a long shared history, and who promised to always be there, abruptly abandoned me. These individuals were like family to me and in turn told me that I was family to THEM. I don't have any family of my own. Consequently, I felt betrayed, deceived, mislead and shunned. They could not, or did not want to, look at the "ugly side of life". I was a vivid reminder that bad and deeply disturbing things can happen, and like a child seeing something frightening, they wanted to cover their eyes so that they could pretend it did not exist. A protective mechanism perhaps. "Misfortune tests the sincerity of friends." ~~ Aesop I was shocked and stunned by their behavior, and it felt like a physical blow, which left me reeling even more than I already was. The sum total of a violent death and mass desertion felt like being plunged into a horrifying nightmare. - Husband dead, everybody else fleeing - my complete life had imploded without warning, like a building marked for demolition, leaving behind rubble and pulverized ashes. "Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind." ~~ Marcus Tullius Cicero We can't control natural disasters, but these were man-made, volitional acts, by people whom I had implicitly trusted and dearly loved. It was 'the perfect storm', a confluence of events so overwhelming, that it sent me into a precipitous, deep downward spiral for a long time, highlighting the word ALONE! It added to my burden of grief and intolerable pain. Sometimes spontaneous outbursts of anger and resentment gave me momentary relief, only to ricochet in bouts of depression and despair. So, I finally decided to go on an emotional/spiritual detoxification program. "To err is human; to forgive, divine." ~~ Alexander Pope I realized that no matter what, we could never again be "the way we were", and I had to accept that. So, I tried to let go and forgive each one of them. One by one I visualized them and told them in my mind: "I forgive you for whatever your reason was." But although I no longer held any negative feelings toward them and was in an emotionally 'neutral zone', I still was not able to forget, and it felt like an endless loop: Remembering, then forgiving again. It reminded me of the funny saying: "Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet." ;D However, I did not want to continue this cycle, and so I tried to add another healing element. I mentally sent each of them blessings and wished them happiness, even lit a candle for them. Now I thought for SURE that I was done! Well, I got there part of the way. I no longer held any animosity toward these people and indeed wished them well, but unfortunately, the memory cannot be erased. When I NOW think of them on special occasions and holidays, or through spontaneous memory flashes, the former negative feelings have been replaced by an aching sadness, because they all hold a piece of who I was and were witnesses to my life. Another unforeseen consequence of this has been my growing hesitation to trust new people, many of whom have similarly disappointed or misled me with their insincerity. Silly Me for even trying! What looks good initially, or even for a while, can be quite disappointing later. Time is the only test! I try not to let the disappointment poison me, but I have less and less expectations of humanity. Here is my conundrum - instead of the 'promised' serenity, my resultant sentiments to forgiveness are deep, lingering sadness and general disillusionment. Apparently, the "forgiveness prescription" had some unexpected side effects. Where, oh, where is Serenity?? ATJ ?

(((ManutesGirl))) "Time is like the wind, it lifts the light and leaves the heavy." ~~ Doménico Cieri Estrada Wishing you serene and gentle moments on your Birthday! ATJ

(((Jess))) One of the most difficult aspects of grief, and missing the person who was the central part of our life, is the fact that life simply moves on as if nothing had happened. It is such a lonely experience. "Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way. " ~~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh Along this winding road we make so many unexpected discoveries - about ourselves, our feelings, our changed perception of life and the passage of time, how we see others, and how WE are changing in the process. We learn that nothing is how we could have ever predicted, including our own reactions. It is a painful and humbling experience. I walked a mile with Pleasure; She chattered all the way. But left me none the wiser For all she had to say. I walked a mile with Sorrow And ne'er a word said she; But oh, the things I learned from her When Sorrow walked with me! ~~ Robert Browning Most of all, we begin to truly understand the ephemeral nature of life and how we have to make each moment count, to take nothing for granted. "What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow, which runs across the grass And loses itself in the sunset." ~~ Native American Saying "May you be able to accept the seasons of your heart, Just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over the fields. May serenity be yours as you walk through the winters of your grief." ~~ Kahlil Gibran My heart goes out to you, and I wish that in the midst of the inner turmoil you can find moments of peace. Warm (((HUGS))) to you! ATJ

May her Light keep shining in the hearts of those who love her! Peace to you (((momtokam))) and her family! With great sadness, ATJ