Shawn823

Late seeing this, but not surprised to see that you handled this with grace and compassion. The silver lining is truly that all that stuff is now out of your hair. Hugs, Maureen, Wishing you a safe and happy trip, Shawn

Moved to tears by how genuinely beautiful you have written this, Bunny. Knowing the ways in which my husband was not perfect sometimes, almost paradoxically, gives me such great comfort--no one knew those ways as well as I did and they never will. He saved those sides for me, as did I for him, and only because there was such a rock solid and trusting love.

So sorry, Mrs. Dan. I know how much your in-laws loved your little girl. Sending wishes for even more strength to get you through.

So sorry, Jess. Hugs to you.

Lost, Your words resonate with me. I had a similar experience about a week ago. My DH's best friend and his wife were in town visiting many friends. I went to dinner with them on their last night here, joined by one other person who had not met my DH. Something came up that elicited a humorous story about DH from his friend. All of a sudden, I felt him beside me, laughing, his beautiful eyes twinkling and shining like they used to always do. Only lasted minutes but it sent me reeling, memories flooding back. They are still lingering a week later, but like you, my emotional reaction to them is tempered in comparison to how such experiences used to hit me. I too have ambivalence about whether that tempered reaction is a good thing or not. I too miss Blaine every moment of every day and, although I have searched, I find that peace with his death continues to be elusive. I have made many positive changes in my life since his death 3+ years ago---including in my career, home projects, deepening of friendships and family connections, expressions of gratitude and compassion---all of which have brought me to a more peaceful place. But peace about his death and his absence from my day to day life eludes me. I have stopped trying to find it, but do recognize that contemplating the future ( which has always been my nature) takes me further away from that peace so I try to stay centered in the present as much as possible ( a battle for me.) I am not willing to yet accept that a more tempered reaction to poignant experiences or memories brings me closer to that peace --it probably does, but that feels uncomfortable and unsettling to me. Shawn

CG, I am in the same place as you. The thought of seeking a new relationship just never crosses my mind--ever. I knew my husband for over 29 years as very close friends and soul mates, but didn't marry him until I was forty. I was very content living solo, but even happier sharing my life and home with him. But now, I am back to solo and it works for me. I am fortunate to have a close network of friends and family, including my 26 yo SD. I am very lonely for DH, the person and our connection, but not for a new relationship. Mrs. Dan's thoughts resonate very much with my own. If something changes, I'm not opposed, but stumbling across a special someone who I could imagine evoking that significant a change in my thinking and feeling seems very unlikely to me, especially since I'm not putting any effort into trying. I do enjoy reading about the wonderful new relationships that other widows have found, but I don't feel envy, just happiness for their new found joy.

^^^^^^^^^^This---to a T Hugs to all. (Glad to see you MM)

Ieh21, thank you so much for this. I am coming up on 3 years in a few weeks and struggling more than last year, more than I expected. Although I have made peace with my grief in ways that I once thought were never possible, I have been feeling like I will never get to the place that you so articulately describe. Your post has given me hope for the future. I thank you for that so very much.

Hugs, Lost. Your words resonate so much with me, although my circumstances are different in so many ways. I too miss my husband, the unique person he was, the profoundly deep and unbreakable bond we had--I am not lonely for a marriage or hugs or conversation--I feel loved by many and grateful for that--but I am lonely for HIM every day and so very deeply saddened by his absence, and no one can or will ever take his spot. Nothing you write seems "abnormal" to me---despite your unabiding sadness and broken heart, you have, by all accounts here, done a wonderful job raising your son and given him such a loving home and rich life experiences. If you were truly broken--not heartbroken, but broken as a functional, contributing person--I doubt that you would have accomplished so much with your son. I have a wonderful friend, who I discovered was widowed at the age of 29--our meeting was not in the context of shared widowhood. She has accomplished much in her life in many spheres of her life--academic, professional, artistic--most of it after the death of her husband, but she was unable to really appreciate any "mending" of her shattered heart well until 10 to 15 years out from the loss of her soulmate. Talking with her for many hours as I have done, has convinced me that such a path is possible. When I met her, I felt such a sense of "joie de vivre" and positive life affirming energy from her---I had no idea that her history was one of such heartbreak. Do not despair--there are many roads yet to travel. Shawn

Hugs, Hikermom. I still have 4 months to the 3 year mark, but I so relate to being fed up with handling the continual piling on of life's sucky events all alone. That is not what we signed up for. Yes, we are strong and capable, but it would be so nice to not have to be if we so choose, just for a while...wishing you a good turn of events and some peaceful "just you" time. Shawn

Wishing you the strength to do what you know in your heart is the right thing. When you write about his positives you say "he loves me". Is that really true, or does he love possessing you? From all that you wrote before about his controlling and manipulative behavior, I'm not sure what evidence you have of his love--flowers, words, cards, etc. are only superficial efforts to manipulate if they aren't backed up by real day by day evidence.It sounds to me that he is acting exactly true to form when his most prized possession is walking out the door---pulling out all the stops to try to keep it. You deserve so much more and so does your son. You have come so far and your daily accomplishments truly are amazing in view of the dust-up he is causing. Hugs.

Mac: your consistent ability to channel your love, admiration and memories of your cherished wife toward gratitude for a beautiful partnership is truly an inspiration to me. I am trying to learn to do the same-- not yet as successfully, but much closer than before. Hugs to you. Shawn

Injo: I too understand this pain. I talk about DH whenever he crosses my mind during conversations with others, whether they are people who new him and loved him dearly or people who didn't. For me, he is so much a part of me that talking about him is the natural thing to do. If it makes others uncomfortable, so be it. I no longer expect others to remember anniversaries that are important to me. I have 4 sisters and I really can't remember their anniversaries so I don't get too bummed out when others don't remember mine, but talking about him and including him--their discomfort never stops me. I think seeing my comfort in remembering him without falling apart makes it more comfortable for them. And I have no hesitation in lightheartedly pointing out how lucky it is to still have the one you love by your side, hugs to you. Shawn

TS: Your situation is certainly not the same as mine ,but one line from your original post really resonated with me: "...most frightening to me is how desperately I want out of my ("perfect" "secure" "tenured" "pensioned") job that I am "so lucky to have" (as people love to tell me) that is simply sucking the life out of me." I too am in academia, though in a different field ( medicine) I have taught at the same school for 26 years, and have held a variety of positions focused on med Ed curricula at different levels. About a year ago, I realized that I had grown very unhappy in my position--I was no longer tolerant of BS university policies and politics, and even more so, the nit-picky little administrative details that come with running a major core course. I no longer had the desire to expend my emotional energy dealing with things that seemed so trivial relative to what I had lost. But I was paralyzed by not knowing who I would be professionally if I didn't continue on doing what I had been doing. I grew more and more unhappy until finally I consulted with a career coach, who was also a friend--her coaching practice was actually an outgrowth of her own serial job dissatisfaction. During my first meeting with her, she asked me what I was looking for--and the first answer that popped out was "peace"--to be at peace with myself. I don't think that I was referring to peace with the loss of my husbamd as much as I meant being at peace with the direction of my life and I knew that my growong negative feelings toward aspects of my job that were no longer tolerable needed to be dealt with. So we worked on that together, she used a variety of tools with me to help me come to terms with leaving my academic position and I can say that I am at peace now with that decision, largely because of the work she had me do. I am officially retiring from my position July 1. I will continue on in part-time clinical work since I am enjoying that aspect of my career more than ever before. I don't know whether or not a career coach would be something that might work for you, TS, but I wanted to offer the idea as something that did help me. Getting the right coach of course, is critical. Your situation is more complex than mine since you describe at least three areas of change that you are dealing with--your house, your career and your new relationship. The career may be the least pressing of these. But if you would like to know any more details about my experience with career coaching, please feel free to PM me. I so very much do understand that desperation of wanting out of your job, and how unexpected that feeling can be after investing so many years and hard work getting your position. Best wishes to you. Your keen ability to size up a situation and sort out your priorities will surely serve you well. I have no doubt that you will sort it all out, one step at a time. Shawn

Wishing you strength, courage and resolve....your goodness shines through in everything you post and I hope you feel the love coming from your fellow wids.

So grateful for this thread! I am 6 months into year 3 and I have been wondering WTH is the matter with me. I relate to everything you all have written about your year three. It is normalizing for me, at least I know that I am not losing it, a thought that seriously had been crossing my mind.

Jen, One of the aspects of this seemingly interminably sad journey that I had never understood before is how physically exhausting grieving is. I think it wasn't until the 2 year mark when I realized that I was no longer totally exhausted all the time. But when the wave comes flooding in to take me under once again, that familiar exhaustion recurs. I wish I knew what to say to give you some comfort--all I have to offer is my own experience that the endless trudging and exhaustion got better for me, and I do believe that it will get better for you as well. Hugs to you, Shawn

Wishing you peace and comforting memories today, RIFF. Happy Anniversary!

"Lately I just can't seem to shake this internal sadness. I can't find meaning or purpose in life anymore." Moncoeur: I read this when you first posted and your words so resonated with me. It is now 28 months for me since I lost my husband. At about the same time you are in your grief, I went through a long period of "chronic" sadness and loss of purpose. I did not have small children which may have created that sense of purpose and, although my career is in healthcare and I get personal satisfaction when I am able to help someone in a positive way in my work, it has not been enough to really give me a sense of purpose. For me, that has always come from the depth of my relationships with others, particularly my husband. I was absolutely miserable when confronted by the reality of living many decades without DH--by that I mean him specifically, I don't mean that in the sense of being part of a couple. Although I saw a grief counselor during the first several months of my acute grief, and did find her suggestions about looking after myself, leaning into my grief, and reassurance that I was "normal" very helpful, this sense of purposelessness was not something she could help me with. I have always been a reader, so I turned to books again. Right after my husband's death, I read books about the afterlife (I was obsessed with wanting to know he was out there somewhere) and books about others' grief journeys, which also helped me. The "how to grieve" type books were not very helpful for me. In the next phase of my reading which was really targeted at trying to find peace and purpose, I read books on meditation (which I had never done before) and finding meaning in day to day life after traumatic experiences. I was eventually able to quit projecting into a future without DH and focus more on living each day. I also evolved in my grieving to a point where I could be grateful for all the things we had together, where the memories could provide me with some peace rather than with more tears. Keeping a connection with him all the time in my thoughts as well as when I talk with others has also helped me. So now, when I cycle into sadness, I let myself feel the pain, let the tears flow, but I do know that I will cycle back up. I have learned how to meditate and I make an effort to get out in nature and just notice beautiful things every day. At first I had to force this, now I do it without conscious effort. I've stopped worrying about my "purpose" other than to be at peace. I wish you were not hurting so much right now and feeling such a lack of purpose, but please know, you are not walking that path alone. Shawn

This makes such total sense to me. In fact, it is comforting to see that someone has been able to so accurately describe what I am feeling. I too have set the wheels in motion to make a huge change in my career, and, although I know in my heart and soul that it is the right decision for so many reasons, my mind is definitely in the mode of "separating itself from any agency it has in the matter".

Wow! That is great news, Mrs. Dan. Congratulations! S

Just saw this now, Mrs. Dan. Hope things went well today and that DD is feeling better.

I definitely missed something as well, AG. Your posts have provided insights and perspectives that have been of great value to me. In my opinion, the very best thing about this new board is the resurgence of the voices of the further-along wids. Thank you for helping me.

Hugs to you, Maureen. I'm sure the memories are so bittersweet.

This is exactly how I feel! I joined YWBB a little over 2 years ago and many of these "senior" posters were still posting then...your words were an enormous comfort. I am in a rough part of this journey right now, and i am so very grateful for the timing of this resurgence. Once again, I am finding comfort in your wisdom, honesty, and thoughtfully expressed insights. Thank you to all of you.