Dark Rose

Mizpah I can relate so much.... Thanks for the kind words everyone, it's good to feel understood.. One day at a time it is

Aaron I lost my husband suddenly as well 11 months ago as well. He was away when he passed away suddenly, I can understand the pain and extreme shock you must be feeling. At one month, I really had no idea what I was doing, or what had happened to me. So, hang in there. Breathe. Message me if you ever need to talk I am so so so sorry for your loss!

It has been 11 months, It's hard to imagine really. I have lost my sense of time since I lost him and not sure if that has helped.... I really didn't think I would be able to make it. But I am still around. I was told things would get better. In some ways they have. I can appear human with more ease, but I am now afraid to look within myself and that huge hole within me that stirs around whereever I go. I don't quite recognize myself anymore.. I am no longer a wife, no longer filled with constant love and affection. I am now incomplete, unsure, and lonely. I have no idea what the future awaits, I am still taking it day by day. Today feels really hard... Was this time hard on anyone else?

Fuck this stupid life that means nothing without him and I have to ' live' it regardless

I too just want my husband back. It's like that one string that connected all the pieces has been ripped apart, and now everything is broken. I am at a lack of words and will have to agree that this is not getting easier.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through your birthday without your love.. I too had to go through that, and it was very hard Everything about this is very hard, I too just want my husband back...

Fuck that I am here without my soulmate Fuck that I have to get up and leave my bed when he is not here, and I don't care anymore Fuck that no one bloody understands Fuck that he is all I wanted, and he isn't with me anymore Fuck that I believed in fairy tales, and now I don't Fuck that I can't wrap my head around this still, and people expect me to have moved on Fuck everything!

This comes and goes, so I avoid contact with people for too long. I can only pretend for too long. My family is a different story, they really don't understand. I wonder where the safe, okay spot now is? I don't think it exits anymore....

God I was starting to feel a little crazy, been feeling that scream...

It's just not fair, the one person I cannot even imagine life without, I am forced to exist without. The one person that I coudn't even see sick, hurting, and now I am being forced to think of him like this... can't even say the words in a complete sentence. I am such an actress, there is nothing in my life anymore. It is so unfair, and just so cruel. No one should have to go through this.. Thanks for sharing your study with me Mizpah, it helps me to know that I am not alone in this. I always dreamed of being a mother, but the mother to his child, our child.... and now, that is taken from me. Such a cruel heartbreak my life now is.... Afraid of my own thoughts...

I'm so exhausted. Thanks for the kind encouraging words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. I read them over multiple times. Nothing can change the pain, but to feel understood ....and to in some way know that others feel what I do helps. I hate this. This is so unfair :'( This quote is so true " We hurt so much because we have lost a part of ourselves. If we have loved much, we must have given much also, and when everything's over, we feel as though we have lost everything.”

Maybe try dividing up the work load so you are only responsible for a little bit on a daily basis, that way you are not overwhelmed, and it's OKAY to procrastinate a little as long as you get most of what you had in store done for the day. Also, I find it helps if things are done this way, helps with the overwhelmed feeling, and lack of motivation as you can tell yourself you are only responsible for x amount. Don't think and focus on the outcome, just try to do. I find it helps to just plunge into things...... Good luck!

I went through some old messages.....it was one of our biggest fantasies. Children, we really wanted to have children. My love had written that one day he would feel our child in me, talk to our baby, tell him how special his mother was. Everything, just everything is over. I am tired of pretending. I want to scream, this just can't be real, I don't have the capacity to accept this.... I am only 23, shoudn't I have gotten my forever? I believed prayer's and good will go a long way? Where have I failed? All I have done is loved my husband and prayed for him, and I am still stuck here without him... My heart is breaking, in ways that are hard to explain. How can one be so lost, and broken and yet stil breathing?

....

I too miss the hugs, just hiding my self into his arms, feeling so safe and secure. I wonder if i'll ever feel safe again.