Dark Rose

Mizpah I can relate so much.... Thanks for the kind words everyone, it's good to feel understood.. One day at a time it is

Aaron I lost my husband suddenly as well 11 months ago as well. He was away when he passed away suddenly, I can understand the pain and extreme shock you must be feeling. At one month, I really had no idea what I was doing, or what had happened to me. So, hang in there. Breathe. Message me if you ever need to talk I am so so so sorry for your loss!

It has been 11 months, It's hard to imagine really. I have lost my sense of time since I lost him and not sure if that has helped.... I really didn't think I would be able to make it. But I am still around. I was told things would get better. In some ways they have. I can appear human with more ease, but I am now afraid to look within myself and that huge hole within me that stirs around whereever I go. I don't quite recognize myself anymore.. I am no longer a wife, no longer filled with constant love and affection. I am now incomplete, unsure, and lonely. I have no idea what the future awaits, I am still taking it day by day. Today feels really hard... Was this time hard on anyone else?

Fuck this stupid life that means nothing without him and I have to ' live' it regardless

I too just want my husband back. It's like that one string that connected all the pieces has been ripped apart, and now everything is broken. I am at a lack of words and will have to agree that this is not getting easier.

I'm really sorry you are having to go through your birthday without your love.. I too had to go through that, and it was very hard Everything about this is very hard, I too just want my husband back...

Fuck that I am here without my soulmate Fuck that I have to get up and leave my bed when he is not here, and I don't care anymore Fuck that no one bloody understands Fuck that he is all I wanted, and he isn't with me anymore Fuck that I believed in fairy tales, and now I don't Fuck that I can't wrap my head around this still, and people expect me to have moved on Fuck everything!

This comes and goes, so I avoid contact with people for too long. I can only pretend for too long. My family is a different story, they really don't understand. I wonder where the safe, okay spot now is? I don't think it exits anymore....

God I was starting to feel a little crazy, been feeling that scream...

It's just not fair, the one person I cannot even imagine life without, I am forced to exist without. The one person that I coudn't even see sick, hurting, and now I am being forced to think of him like this... can't even say the words in a complete sentence. I am such an actress, there is nothing in my life anymore. It is so unfair, and just so cruel. No one should have to go through this.. Thanks for sharing your study with me Mizpah, it helps me to know that I am not alone in this. I always dreamed of being a mother, but the mother to his child, our child.... and now, that is taken from me. Such a cruel heartbreak my life now is.... Afraid of my own thoughts...

I'm so exhausted. Thanks for the kind encouraging words, you have no idea how much they mean to me. I read them over multiple times. Nothing can change the pain, but to feel understood ....and to in some way know that others feel what I do helps. I hate this. This is so unfair :'( This quote is so true " We hurt so much because we have lost a part of ourselves. If we have loved much, we must have given much also, and when everything's over, we feel as though we have lost everything.”

Maybe try dividing up the work load so you are only responsible for a little bit on a daily basis, that way you are not overwhelmed, and it's OKAY to procrastinate a little as long as you get most of what you had in store done for the day. Also, I find it helps if things are done this way, helps with the overwhelmed feeling, and lack of motivation as you can tell yourself you are only responsible for x amount. Don't think and focus on the outcome, just try to do. I find it helps to just plunge into things...... Good luck!

I went through some old messages.....it was one of our biggest fantasies. Children, we really wanted to have children. My love had written that one day he would feel our child in me, talk to our baby, tell him how special his mother was. Everything, just everything is over. I am tired of pretending. I want to scream, this just can't be real, I don't have the capacity to accept this.... I am only 23, shoudn't I have gotten my forever? I believed prayer's and good will go a long way? Where have I failed? All I have done is loved my husband and prayed for him, and I am still stuck here without him... My heart is breaking, in ways that are hard to explain. How can one be so lost, and broken and yet stil breathing?

....

I too miss the hugs, just hiding my self into his arms, feeling so safe and secure. I wonder if i'll ever feel safe again.

Karin, I hate this too, I just want my husband back...

ahh catnip how accurate.... I dread night time for a reason but I am the most real when alone, and so I am afraid of my pain then

?Fresh grief feels like this: Your mind is a maze and every pathway leads to a bricked-up wall, the one where you can see the real world just on the other side, but you can?t reach it. It?s a feeling like someone?s scooped out your insides with a spoon and all that?s left is a shell that walks like you and talks like you, but your body and soul have parted ways for a time. Your senses don?t fire and you can?t connect with another human being because to string all that grief together like a strand of paper dolls would create something as powerful as an atom bomb?you?d implode. So you?re all alone. And, for a short while, at least until it sinks in, you can fake anything.? ― Vikki Wakefield

I relate to everything that you have stated. My husband was my purpose, he is everything to me, and always will mean the world to me. I don't understand/ or connect truely with anything around me, it feels like a punishment to have to exist without him. I have no kids, so it's almost as though the life that we had shared is something I dreamed of. I don't quite recognize the girl I see in the mirror anymore. I am at just over 6 months, and still feel the shock, and relate to the auto pilot. I do the motions, do things to get through the day, but the light, the joy behind things is gone. I feel so lost, and so different from everyone around me. I don't know if i'll ever feel grounded again....I also don't have an internal connect with time. I am so very sorry for your loss, suddenly losing the loves of our lives brings upon a pain that really can't be described...

To look into his eyes would be so nice.... To wake up to the world we had build would be ....

Do whatever you need to get through the day. I write my husband many letters as well, and often speak to him. When out, I too like to pretend he's with me and that brings me comfort. I am still not able to wrap my head around this. I am good at putting up an act, but at 6 months 2 days... It feels like I have turned into an empty shell of what I was......

Where do I even start?........

I will be praying for you. I am going through the same, have to put on a face for the world, while what's inside of me is a different story.

Anytime something upsets me and he is not there I am hiding tears. Constantly playing characters... Grief isn't well understood. Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate them. Yes, about the memories feeling incomplete has really been bothering me almost like they didn't happpen, then I go back to feeling crazy. Buzzing in this weird fog, denial, and deep endless ache all at once.

This is my first time being sick since I lost the love of my life. Just feeling sorry for myself, there is no one to make me feel special, to remind me to take care of myself. No one to hug me. I really just want to sleep forever. Memories I don't want to accept that they are what I have. The memories feel incomplete, they are moments we both shared ...for me to feel and remember them alone feels incomplete, like seeing half a picture. I am so tired. I need his love? Why can't this be a dream when it feels like one? Why can't I fall asleep in his arms? I want to be naive again, to feel safe. Tired of existing in total darkness no longer aware of what the next moment will hold.