THATgurl

Riders on the storm Riders on the storm Into this house we're born Into this world we're thrown Like a dog without a bone An actor out on loan Riders on the storm I am in chat.

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I am really glad to hear you are talking to someone. We all process things differently. For many of us, there is a long period of extreme distress. Please do lean on people here if you find it helpful. Under the "best of circumstances" this is a form of hell. We are not all in "the best of circumstances". Thinking about you and wishing you all the best. I have walked a similar road.

Like a fungus, I may just show up. For me, proximity to a pubic transit OR a gracious offer of a pick up at public transit is necessary.

I just wish I could come and be your #2 for some of this. Crap fact is - I can't realistically do that. Moving is a tremendous and often overwhelming undertaking. I so wish you did not have to face that all on your own. People are often bitches on moving day - don't feel bad about that at all. Sending you one HUGE cyber hug. How on earth are you supposed to move a piano down a flight of stairs? What is the purpose of piano movers if they are not willing to preform this task? It isn't YOU, MrsDan...

That made me snort-laugh and I am all about snort-laughing

I have nothing credible or worthy to contribute here right now. I just thought this was kind of a good place to say THANK YOU to people. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on issues that are often considered taboo. It helps me immensely.

OK so reviewing my last post, I am realizing that maybe some people would disagree with my thinking that "happening upon" him should be a defining point in my life. Maybe this is somewhat a stumbling block for me? I would most appreciate anyone's thoughts on that one. In particular, I would like to hear from people who view things in a different way. I won't name names I would much appreciate your thoughts.

Upon reflection, I think my response to my sister is what is problematic. I kind of get that. (I did not SAY anything I regret, more talking thoughts in my head and probably nonverbals). In terms of others "forgetting" one of the defining points in my life - I get that too. I guess I just don't always know how to respond to that reality. All we can do is do better tomorrow.

I really do love all y'all. I am responding specifically to Linda because in a lot of ways you and I are like night and day, black and white, Mutt and Jeff. Yet I think you would agree with me that in a TON of ways we just have so much in common. Not really sure how to explain that, but you are much appreciated and have been a huge positive influence in my life. As have many. And the positive influence does not stem from seeing eye to eye on every little thing. Often, quite the contrary.

It is funny, I was just trying to convey similar thoughts to someone recently. Her response has been so touching - she is going out of her way to send me little messages and random "hellos". I am incredibly honored that she is taking time out of her busy schedule to do this, and yet... Being tacked on to someone's "to do list", no matter how well intentioned and no matter how wonderful, is just not the same. I need to make the changes that will result in the situation I want to be in - no one can do it for me, no matter how hard they might try ??? I totally relate Jen. I miss being someone's person in the worst way. At the same time, I don't particularly want to be someone's person to a NEW person. That may change, it may not. Either way, it leaves me feeling very conflicted and confused.

I am bumbling around on the interwebs without much purpose or direction I have signed on to chat if anyone wants to bend my ear.

On a side note, my sister (who is nearing 50) saw that i held my grandmother's hand. On our second visit to the open casket, she held my grandmother's hand. It was clearly upsetting for her. Later, she said "it was not like a fake person, it felt like touching a dead person". I guess my question is "WHAT?" Those of you who know me know I am not making lite of anything. I am trying to process and understand. Any help on my road to processing and understanding would be great.

I sincerely don't get it. Not at all. Long story short - my grandmother passed away. That is not my point. My point is I guess kind of long-winded. So - grandma passes away = family gathering. At some point in the family gathering, my mother brought up the fact that she and I had "happened upon" a dead person. Weird? Yeah. I apparently am an asshat and spouted off by saying "who 'happens upon' three dead bodies?" I clarified that most people pass on in a hospital or peacefully at home, so no one is "happening upon" them. So, like a dullard, I bring up the topic. My cousin (wonderful woman) says "where did you happen upon all these bodies?" I say "well, I happened upon a homeless gentleman in SLC that froze to death, then mom and I happened upon that guy in the car." In my mind, we are clear. Me, three "happenings". NOPE. They all need to hear about "happening upon" A and then there is the awkward. So here is my question I guess - it is always a fact and a thing, but others "forget" and then "remember" and then we get to relive? IDK...

Fuck just everyone and a bunch of all it all? The more I progress the more I realize I need to just say "fuck all y'all. wanna have coffee?" I do think that part of this young widow thing is being old before our time.

Heya - yeah. I can relate to what you are saying. Slowly you will likely find that you are rebuilding your life. You most likely will not notice it when it is happening. If you are cutting - you owe it to yourself to seek help. I am not saying that cutting is better or worse than other coping mechanisms (and we all use coping mechanisms). HOWEVER, cutting can be quite dangerous. I think every one here will agree that it would be best to speak face to face with a professional about that aspect of things.

Hey I just want to say I HEAR YOU. I am a survivor of suicide, so that part is not applicable to everyone. However, I think all of us who have a sudden loss can relate to what you are saying. It CAN NOT BE, right? Yet it is. You sound sane and normal to me. The situation is not normal, but you are. I hope all the best for you. For many of us, leaning on each other is a huge part of the healing process. If you find it useful, I hope to hear from you.

Like a bad rash, y'all will never be fully rid of me

I love YOU woman, and you are one of the reasons that this has been hard on me. Some of y'all don't know it, but it think of you daily. Here or not here, I think of you daily. Oddly, I also think of "those who don't register" daily. I love you guys and hope for all the best.

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