fuchsiasky

I have found more friends oddly. There are people that I knew before Rob that I lost touch with who have come back to me. There are people who were his friends who are insisting on keeping me. They want so much to help. To make me feel happy. They are trying so hard. But it doesn't work the way they need it to. Cause I'm not getting happier. Yet they don't see that they are helping. Their presence in my life is like a big comfy blanket of love and caring and without it I would be lost. Every person who makes me smile, even once in a day, is keeping me from falling deeper into despair. I value them all so much. I wish they could believe me when I tell them that they are helping. That they don't need to be responsible for making me happy. That's my job. Sometimes all I need is someone to be with to make the sadness less lonely.

This is my fear. That if I don't find something to hope for that I won't find happy again. Maybe the hope that I will even hope again someday is all I can have right now. I think I need something to look forward to though. There has to be some little thing that I can look to enjoy. I need a reason to get up and keep going. My daughter isn't enough. She is the one that is giving me motivation to survive. But I think I need motivation to live. Or to even care about living. I am supposed to move in 2 months. I asked a friend to come and pack for me. It will be a good thing. I should look forward to a new home. I should have some hope for the life that my daughter and I will build there. But it just scares me. No I am not in therapy. I should be! Oh I need to be. I am just waiting on the life insurance to be able to afford it.

thank you

1. I can't figure out how to shop for groceries cause I don't know what to buy. I always had to consider Rob's needs and now its just me and DD. I don't even know what the two of us like to eat! 2. I want to attack hug every man I know. I just miss being held so much. 3. My house is a disaster! I just can't even. 4. DD spends much of her time playing on the tablet cause its an escape for her. And I let her cause she misses her daddy so much. And then I escape into my phone. We are becoming screen addicts.

Me. Rob and I were together for 10 years. He was still legally married to this ex and we just never found the time or money to finish up the divorce. We always put it to something better. We were legally common law so I am having no troubles there. And we had a "wedding" a year before he died. We knew then that he wouldn't make it. We knew that dealing with the divorce was just a waste of time and money. But we had our wedding. We said what we needed to in front of those that we love most. So he was my husband...and always will be.

There is a line in there about stuffing pillows into their clothes for cuddling. I do that. I put his shirt on my pillow 4 months ago and haven't taken it off.

People want to help me. But when they can't they feel helpless. That seems to hurt them somehow. Which in turn hurts me cause I want to be better for them. But I don't think I can be.

Thank you all. It is so scary to be in this place where I have to just be. I have so much push to heal, but maybe that is the wrong thing. It makes me angry to think of healing...being "over him"...cause I don't want life without him. Maybe that push is more for others than it is for me. I'm told to be gentle on myself, but then I'm also told to seek the light in life and bs like that. Part of me doesn't mind being in the dark. The only reason I have that matters to me to do anything different is my daughter. Cause she needs life. Maybe I can build one for her without stressing about building one for me.

There is so much I can't say to others. They don't understand. They just get sad and feel helpless and go away. It sucks. Yet these are the same people who want me to do well. They want me to find hope. To see that light at the end of the tunnel. And some of them get mad when I can't. Its so frustrating. It hurts so much that they won't let me be. I worry about this lack of hope because I feel like it is giving me a lack of movement in all of this. I need to get some things done for me and my daughter. We need to move to a new house, but that means I have to pack up our old one and find a new one. Then I have to set up and build a space for us. That terrifies me. Yet we can't stay where we are. Its our family's home for a family we no longer have. And its too big. And expensive. But I have no idea how to get us out of it! I have no desire to do it because it is trying to do something good and I don't dare hope it will work. I feel like I need to push myself to be ok for her. She can't lose both her parents to this evil disease. I guess it doesn't feel like it has been a short time. I guess 4 months is. I can't imagine being like this for a year or more. But I know I will be. That's hard to accept. Its hard to live when you can't find reasons to do so. My reason is my daughter. I let myself get dragged along with her life. Its better than nothing.

I?m facing a challenge that maybe people will understand here. I don?t know. But it?s about hope?or lack thereof? Three years ago next month we took Rob to the emergency room because he was in so much pain and the great drugs he had were doing nothing. He was in hellish agony. I can still hear him screaming in the back of my mind. That was the first day that we heard the word cancer. And that was the day that hope started to die for me. It was the day I entered Cancerland. I remember sitting there and crying as the doctor talked and feeling all the hope for a future leave. I think I knew then that there wasn?t really any hope for the life that we had been building together. Even if he had survived it wouldn?t have been the same. Cancer does that. And over the next three years hope became a very dangerous thing. Hope because something we avoided because the consequences of dashed hopes were too big. How could we hope for a future when there was none? We could hope for the best life he could have for the time we had but that wasn?t really hope. That was coping. I let go of it and learned to just live in the moment. But now here I am 4 months after his death and I still have no hope. I don?t know how to find it. I have no desire to plan for a future because I don?t believe that good things will actually happen. If fear that if I hope for things that it will just fall apart. Hope doesn?t feel safe. So I have no goals, no dreams, no plans. Just surviving today. I try hard for my daughter and try to see her future and good things for her. I can have hopes for her life. But not for mine. I don?t even want the life I?m trying to figure out how to live. I don?t want to build a life without Rob. But I think that I can?t go on this way. I think that this is hurting me more than I thought. I realized that I have nothing to look forward to in life at all. It just seems like decades of pain ahead of me. I can?t keep thinking that way or I?ll never find my way out of Cancerland and back to life. I don?t want it. But I don?t want to die either. So I think I have no choice. Is there such thing as hope after illness? After loss? After the hell that is caretaking someone to their death? Has anyone found it? Is there hope?

He is not someone who is ok for me to be with. Or I would.

Yep I get it. When Rob died there were many promised made of men who would be there for my daughter. Some have been - close family members and one good friend. But many have just forgotten it seems. I understand that it is difficult to come over. I get that my home was once his home and its not a fun place to be sometimes. But when a small person needs someone its so important. I don't understand how they can't be there for her. It's not hard. She doesn't want much. This is so hard to make people understand how little effort it takes to make a child's life good. You are doing awesome momma.

This is Fuchsia. I had to change my account due to tech stupidity. K has been seeing her counsellor at school again. It is helping. I had a chat with her too and she told me that even though it is tough right now K is actually acting entirely normal for her age. All the chaos and defiance is mostly her being 7. Yes there is daddy sadness too, but that's only part of it. She said to ride it out at best we can. And that she and the school are there for K. Apparently she does great at school once we can actually get there.

I have been in a really rough spot lately. I just miss Rob so much it was unbearable. I was lucky...in a way...that I have a good friend that I connected with. I just kinda let my mind rest with him for a while cause it was a bit of an escape. I didn't really mean to. It just kinda happened. He is so like Rob. He made me remember how to smile. He knew and was just fine with it (Rob would have been too). All I ever thought of was cuddling, cause that is really all I want. To just curl up and feel safe. I thought that he was just a convenient person to think about and that it was just that I'm missing Rob. But it turns out that we connect too well. And I like him for him. Not just as an escape. So now I can't think about him. Cause I really don't want him. Not like that. But everything that I was escaping has flooded back. I miss Rob even more now. Cause I am remembering what it is that I miss so much. Leaving the comfy friend bubble means that I have to deal with this again and I just don't want to. I just want to curl up and hide and not hurt anymore. And I can't. And I can't even talk to anyone about it because they would be appalled that I would look to a friend for this kind of comfort. It hasn't been long enough according to some people. They think I should still be Rob's wife and just mourning for him. And I can't talk to my friend...even though he said I could...cause I don't want to tell him how I feel. It wouldn't be fair to do that to him. But really all I want is a hug. And I can't get one. I wish that I had just stayed in the painful place and hadn't escaped. Coming back is too hard.

So much of the last 4 months is just a blur. I fully lost nearly 3 months of memories. Its easier to remember since I got back to work. But still. The truth is that I don't want to remember so much of it. But that makes me sad too. Cause I do want to remember him. The last 3 years of his life are such a blur. I am actively trying to recover them. I don't want to lose the last years we had together. I miss him so much!

I'm 4 months out at this point. I lost Rob last October. I'm struggling hard right now. I've left the fog. I had to return to work. ...and life apparently. My daughter to school. I'm slowly putting the pieces of life back together and it's so f-ing hard. It's something that I have to do by sheer force of will - build a life for my daughter and I. But I'm the one standing in the way of myself....Cause I don't want to do it! I have absolutely zero desire to build a life without Rob in it. Every step I take on this path of supposed healing feels like I'm moving farther away from him. Closer to the life that I really don't want. I love my daughter. She is my reason to do all of this. And she loves me. But we both just want our family back.