Milojka

Yes I do miss us a lot too. I feel very incomplete. Also I think I have issues with emotional self-reliance, now that that continuous stream of love between us has stoppped. I can't get used to it.

Well done you!! You deserved this. Your second great love would be proud of you.

I realise this post is months old, I just found it now. I guess you could say I ran away, after the love of my life died. No kids, no responsibilities. This is now 3 years ago. I am still here, and I have no plans to go back. I live on a small remote island between Scotland and Norway. Nature is beautiful here. I have a great job which gives me purpose and meaning - I look after people around the island. I finaly found a lovely house which I call Home. For people who have read my previous posts from long ago: the quiet and kind man who drives his sheep from hill to hill is still in my life. It is not a love similar to what I had with my dh. But it is great to have a companion like him. We help each other, we look after each other. To answer your question: yes it did help. This very simple life is my new normal now.

Great thread. Interesting. I never liked cooking much, he was the cook, and a good one too. I discovered that when you throw raw potatoes (cut in pieces) and Brussels sprouts (or any veg) and frozen sausages in a baking tin (add some oil and salt ), and bake that for half an hour in a preheated oven (200 degrees), you actually get a good and balanced meal with few dishes to wash. It tastes better than it sounds :-) Lunch is usually omelet and/or bread and/or soup. Breakfast is usually milk with muesli and a banana. Which make me think of the addiction I have developed after his death, and which I still have: apples. I eat too many of them. Now and then I do a cooking day. I cook 2 meals, each about 3 portions, and freeze that. On my cooking day I also make 2 loafs of bread, which I freeze as well. No bakery around, so I just have to make my own bread, which I enjoy more than cooking. And on my cooking day I also make a large quantity of soup. I have a cooking day about once every two weeks. After a while my freezer is filled with different dishes and soups, lots of choice. Every night at bedtime I take out what I am going to heat in the oven the next evening. (I have no microwave). I do enjoy the cooking days but I would hate to cook every day.

Am I right in guessing that most of us talk to our lost loved one? (I do) But how many of us believe that he can hear us, understand it, and maybe in a way talk back? (I wish I would but I don't)

Although it didn't come as soon as with you, I think I have had something similar. And there was lots of pain involved. It surely distracted from grieving. Looking backwards I was trying to fill in the gap of connection and meaning - things I still struggle with. I craved taking care of some one, I craved some one who would care of me. Anyway, I would like to send you this article that you might find interesting. Just replace the word " widows" with "widowers" :-) http://www.opentohope.com/why-some-widows-start-dating-soon-after-widowhood/

Thanks for posting the article. I am probably in a different phase than her, only 2 years out. But when I think about later, the future... I have never been afraid that having another man would ever feel like betraying him, or cheating. Surely he would want me to be happy, how could he possibly see it as something negative? He was always supportive of what I did... But I am afraid of what the author describes as the messyness of relationships with actual people, the hurt and sadness. There haven't been any messyness, hurt or sadness between dh and me. People who knew us used to say that they had never seen a better matching couple as us. Peope who did not know us, often thought that we just got together recently, not decennia ago. We were always talking, laughing, connecting. The only things I didn't like about him was that he hated DIY and snored. Since he died two years ago, I stepped into the wide scary world and traveled. I have never met as many people before as I did then. Many couples, many stories. I now have sort of established myself in a small community here, where everyone knows everyones history until generations ago. I was - and I still am- shocked when I found out how messy most relationships are, or were. I honestly had no idea, I hardly knew people in my old life. People seem to come together, then fight, then break up, to start all over again. Life long relationships - where people do not fight against each other, but work as a team together with eachother - are extremely rare. This is still hard to believe for me - was I really that unworldly? - but it seems to be confirmed with what I see and heard every day. I think I am the kind of person that finds connection with another person really important. The most important. But I will not look for it. I will not go online for it, and I will not move for it to another place with more suitable and available men - there are none of them where I am. My goal will be to try to be reasonably happy on my own. Not sure why I am writing this. I have just come out of a very dark and difficult winter where I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. It surely was the darkest period of all since he had died. I was just coming out of that. And today it is February 14, the day I met my husband for the first time.

Hi I don't think anything is wrong with you except for having lost a very dear, important, close loved one to death. I am sorry. While others might advize you to force yourself to go out and meet people, I personally do not think you should do that if you don't feel like it. I think many of us have become less interested in socializing. People are less important to myself too, but the few ones I do see, mean the world to me. Priorities are different now. Spending time on your own, knowing yourself well, giving attention to your own thoughts and needs, doing things you like, picking out a few very good friends who love you and so on might help to shape the new person you are bound to become. It hope this doesn't sound too woo-woo (wooly/feathery/dreamy,) that is not how I meant it. Next to being more introverted than I used to be, this is another change I have noticed in myself: I don't do things I don't like doing.

I have been widowed for 2 years, but you do not forget those things do you? In the first week after his death my sister - she knew how close my dh and I always had been - said three times that going through a divorce is so much worse than a bereavement. She got divorced herself 5 years ago. She tried to explain why, but I saw no point in doing a thing irrelevant as comparing two different things. In the first week, the worst week of my life! Three times! A month after his death, I went for Christmas to my parents, although I didn't feel like it. I just did it for them. When everyone had arrived - my siblings and their children - my mother stepped into the circle of chairs and said, smiling: " I am so glad everyone could make it and be here except for [one of her grandchildren] who is traveling..." I started crying and couldn't stop for the rest of the day and regretted having come. My parents never mention my dh although they loved him a lot. I have tried to talk to them, explaining that I love talking about him, that it is painful if they keep avoiding his name. I later heard that they have asked my brother if he could give me emotional support, as they couldnt. I know they mean well, they just don't know how to deal with this. They stem from a generation where emotions and problems were " swept under the carpet".

This topic is sooo interesting to me. I have been a ISFJ for years, when I was young I used to be an ESFJ. My dh was a INTP. So just like you, Maureen, and I agree with you that this is a perfect match. :-) Before his death, we were together on our own most of the time (we also worked together, no children), as that is what we loved doing. We didn't have a huge network around us, which was OK. However, he would definitely have been the more introverted of both of us and people who don't know me often mistake me for someone who is very sociable and extraverted. The months after his death were filled with legal battles which I had to fight on my own (with help of sollicitors etc) which left me completely exhausted. I hardly realized what had happened, no time to process all the blows I kept on getting, but still I had to proof the others to be wrong, which I eventually did yeey. At the same time, there were many issues with his stephmother who once again showed how evil she was, only now I was on my own to deal with that. So as soon as I could I left for a remote island where I still am, for the sake of my sanity. So here I am. Alone. I have made some good friends, but we don't see each other that much. I am definitely much more introverted than I have ever been. I don't mind being on my own - although at first it literaly made me panic (no one next to me, no one to care for, no one who takes care of me). I like working outside, without people around me. I do not have a television but I like playing with wool and my knittingmachine in the evening. I am not on facebook or other social media, but I like to read on Widda. What still strikes me, is that I seem to be unable to remember faces and names and relations between the few people that live here and the stories about them. I used to have an excellent memory and interest for those things. In general being among people drains me now. I cannot stand noise at all. We were together for 23 years and now I am alone since 2 years and I can still be surprised about the person that I am now, and the life I have. I miss him - that pain is always there, as you will all understand. But given the circumstances, it is not a bad life. It is something that I ask myself often: will I ever be less introverted again? Would I be wanting to live again in a city in the future? And there have been so many changes other than this - will I ever return to that person? Sorry to have made this so long...

Same here! Can't read anymore, don't like socializing anymore, and podcasts are hugely important now. I listen mostly to Love + Radio Death Sex and Money Strangers This American Life Terrible thanks for asking Heavy weight (fairly new , amazing, try it!) The story of my death ( From a funeral director ) I recently discovered Open to Hope, about gief and grieving, but it is not my cup of tea. I mention it because someone here might be interested.

Hi Mizpah Thanks. Yes I will stay, at least for the moment. I don't have much to go back to. And I do not want to start all over again on another place. No there is no pub here :-) but I do not need more people. I like my own company and I have friends who would give me help if I had a problem. Also since I am here, the women come together on Thursdays for spinning and knitting. I think at this moment what I do need is a purpose, something to live for, a goal. That would have been my study at the textile college - a path to follow during four years - but, as I surely will have mentioned, that is gone now. A good job would do - here is a shortage of care workers. And I would love to care for some one. Sadly, the organisation that matches that kind of offer and demand is very very dysfunctional and inefficient... I do have a structure/ routine. I go to the crabfactory for a couple of days a week. I go working on the croft (farm) on the other days - which I love. I take one day a week off, sometimes more. In the evenings, I am happy to be on my own. I have my spinning wheel and my knitting machine here. I have been encouraged to sell my knitwear, and who knows this might happen in the future. Hi Adley, When I came back home alone from the hospital where my favourite person had just died, I locked the door of our lovely house and I went away to my brothers place. He lives at the other side of the country. I have never gone back to our home. I left my brothers place 5 months and 1 week after that day. The decision itself was made in an instance after the thought had come up. Making a list with keywords what the place had to look like took 10 minutes. Picking the place took 2 or 3 days. I had no doubts about it. I didn't realize I would stay that long, though, I thought I would be back after the summer. I remember thinking: after a couple of months I will be more on top of this pain. Well... mmm... no not really. And especially not now, even if it is a bit more than 2 years after his death, I am not on top of it at all, and it seems worse than ever. It was good to read your story. Our stories are quite different, I think. You have children, even when they are grown, you have a family of your own. I haven't. I only have a brother and a sister, which I had hardly seen for decennia, each have busy families of their own. You have an affinity with rural life and farming, I hadn't. I hope you will see clear soon what path to take!

Hi Kate, Well that is good news. I wish you all the best. Let us know what you have decided. Don't be scared... Ask yourself the question: what is the worst possible thing that can happen? What do you have to lose? The worst thing has happened already. You have lost the most precious already. I also want to say that I spent very little money. In the very beginning I worked for bed and board. Later I worked for money, and paid part of that to the people who rented me a spare room. At the moment I earn enough to pay a (very small) house. Offcourse one of the things that I craved doing, was working very hard - not sure if that is what you want - with my hands. So no wonder that I didn't spend much money. And there are not many shops and hotels in the remote rural area where I am anyway :-) This self composed life that I lead since 1 year and 8 months, a menu with my very favorite things, was my attempt to make life worth living again, even without him. I really hope it will be good for you as well, and that it will give direction and meaning to your life.

Hi Adley Yes, please do tell us how you are doing. It might be useful for me, I might need it. The previous posts were written more than half a year a go. Meanwhile, I have crossed the 2 year aniversary. Things feel different now, but not better. I am wondering if other people can relate to this: for the first 2 years I was fighting hard everyday to survive his departure. Which I did. But now... I now have to learn how to deal with his lifelong absence. Does any one recognize this? It isn't easier. Lifelong is ...long. I am not doing well since the build up to his 2nd dead aniversary, which was end of November. Also the so called festive month of December was dark as ink. I am still struggling now, in January. I started studying at the textile college in September but quit after the first module because it was very disapointing. This took away my purpose for the next years, my reason to get up in the morning, a path to follow. I am still doing sheepwork and I still love it. But it is at this moment difficult to find an official job - which I need - currently I work at a crabfactory until I find something better. As a labourer, I can tell you that it is not the nicest of jobs. I moved out from my friends, I thought I was ready for that, and it was hard at the beginning to live on my own - no one asking about my day, no hug, no teasing or laughs, no meals together. I am used to it now but it was harder than I expected. Things went wrong with the man with the sheep - of course they did. He isn't used to contact with humans and reads signals completely wrong. I do not blame him, but being together was no option. So... having a hard time right now, and missing my other half contineously. However I am sure things will get better with the daylight that soon will come back - we have hardly seen any of that in the past months. There will be a nice job somewhere where I can make a difference. My friends haven't stopped loving me. The skies, the hills, the wind, the animals are wonderfull as ever. I still see no reason to go from here - and I wouldn't know whereto. I still aspire to have a simple, quiet and beautiful life. This is a good place for that. There has been an important positive change - I could never watch pictures of him because it hurted so much but since a couple of weeks I can. I like that :-) I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Thank you Canadiangirl. Good to read that you have plans. When the time is there, just do it. Because really anything is possible. You just have to do it. These were my secret weapons I have used daily on the island so I would survive the unbearable pain caused by losing him: 1. Doing hard physical labour so my body gets tired everyday 2. Looking for and finding beauty everyday. 3. Spending the day under an open sky everyday. 4. Laughing out loud everyday 5. Feeling the love from people around me everyday. This gives a good idea how my life looks like. I still stick to this list, though I feel better now. It is a good life I have now. I wouldn't want to change it. It is the best possible life without him.

Thank you so much for these stories, I like reading them. It is amazing how everyones second guy turns out to be completely different. Which ofcourse makes sense - somehow it wouldn't be right to have a copy of our lost love. We have changed too. And as was pointed out by MrsT85, we are older now. MrsT85, the kind relationship of relationship you had seemed very similar to the one I had. And these words could have been written by me: ### so his fingerprints are all over the person I've now grown into. No one it going to "fit" me as perfectly as Tim did because no one else was the most important influence on during that extremely formative period of my life. ### Building a good life with someone who loves me back: yes. That is what I want too. That is enough.

Dear Mizpah and Maureen, First of all let me thank you very much for your replies. They were interesting and helpful. Mizpah, no your message wasn't ridiculously long - it was more than I could wish for and it did answer some questions I had. Maureen you say that having another deep connection is possible. But I don't think that I can bring myself to that. I feel like I possibly don't want that anymore. Mizpah you havent changed in what you want from a relationship. Yet your boyfriend couldn't be more different from your DH. That was fascinating to read. You definitely have a completely different lifestyle now. I loved where you say : ### I thought if I could get well-adjusted to his death, I was ready for another big relationship. But it's more than that. I need to stop seeing everything through the context ofmy relationship with DH. That's my challenge. ### I can relate to that. Yes you are right - I was talking about that feeling I have about wanting a simple, beautiful relationship. Kindness is all I ask for now. There is a man on the island. He has sheep and I have worked with him many times. I have seen him around daily since 6 months and we have often made a chat. He is clearly interested in me. All islanders speak highly of him, with great respect. He is so kind, and gentil, and sweet. He has a beautiful smile and is a bit shy. He is my age and a bachelor - often the case on remote islands like this. I like his skilled way of driving dozins of sheep from hill to hill, I like his way of treating his 4 sheepdogs and how they adore him. I absolutely love how he takes care of me. His kindness for me moves me. His loneliness is obvious - as mine is probably too. I can see myself as his partner, trying to make him happy, taking care of him as he does for me. Simple, beautiful, pure, peaceful. My dh was an intelletual, a thinker, as yours was, Mizpah. And that man on the island is not. He is a doer. He spends every day and evening outside. He knows every bird and plant. He can read the weather. But he doesn't read books. Above all he is kind, and cares for me, in a beautiful quiet way. I don't want to stay alone, but I don't want to go where I was with my DH. Does that make sense?

So sorry.... please be very, very gentil to yourself. Hug.

Mizpah, do you allow me to ask you a question? You said your first husband and you were inseperatable. You seem to have had a good and strong relationship. That is exactly what happened between my deceased husband and me. I understand the bond you have with your second husband will be different, but can I ask you in what way it is different? I think that it is impossible to be as connected with someone in the future as I was with my deceased soulmate. Do you agree with that, is that the case with you as well? Please ignore if this is something you want to keep to yourself. We were young together and grew older together. This alone is something that never can be repeated. My husband was very intelligent, intellectual, witty. We talked a lot between the two, shared our thoughts on all kinds of topics and levels. Currently I like to think that yes, it will be possible for me to once have a new boyfriend, but without that very strong connectedness I once had. That new person could be just a companion, some one who takes care of me and who I can take care of. Someone who would help me and I would help him when needed. Without the strong connection on many levels that I used to have. Just a simple, beautiful, respectful being together, growing old together. I suppose how it could go is that the many things I found in my husband will have to be divided over several people - friends. I have a special female friend who callenges me intellectually and we have great conversations. Another female friend helps me with the vague plans I have with my new career in textiles. I have another friend who lost her son and we support eachother when we have it rough. From someone else I get practical help. I can see that another person could be my companion in life. He wouldn't necessarily meet my intellectual needs. He wouldn't neccessarily have to talk about grieving or about how to lay out my new future careerwise. We would be companions who look after eachother and care for eachother. We would tell how are days went. We would sleep together and wake up together. At the moment this is the only way I can see me having a new relationship. (Before that I thought it would be impossible alltogether, but at the same time emotional loneliness is killing me, as my need to be touched) Could you - and anyone!- please give your thoughts on this?

Yes I am ready for a visit. You are welcome. But know that you might never go away from here as it is beautiful and pure. It won't be long before it never gets dark on a day, on this May day the sun gets up at 3.

How amazing to read all these personal stories. Thank you very much for that. It is interesting to see that many people dream about big changes, and some of them have done it. I am glad I found this place. We lived an isolated life together. We didnt have many friends nor close family ties. No children. I only had him - my one favorite human being. He only had me. Until now I sometimes struggle with that feeling that I am completely alone on the world. No ties. I was cut loose from everything and drifting, floating around. When I realised I was going to stay alive myself and that everything was completely changed forever, I knew I could choose different conditions and circomstances so I would at least like more of that part. I realized staying alive was going to be hard, sometimes impossible so why not make it as nice as possible. We lived in a very uninspiring place. Mizpah - how did you guess Norway. You are very close as Shetland, where I am, belongs technicaly to Scotland but inhabitants feel more connected to Norway for geographical and historical reasons. I am a knitter so that is one of the main reasons why I chose exactly this place (and its huge storms too!). I am working on a croft (sheep farm) but I am also busy learning machine knitting, spinning and weaving and I am accepted to Shetland textile college next year. I don't plan further ahead than his 2nd deadversary (I can't) but I probably will stay here. I have nothing to go back to. What made all the difference is this small friendly rural island community. It feels like home. The most precious gift I got is that I seem to make friends easily - which I didn't know. Very loving and caring friends have helped me through the rough parts and they still do. Thanks for listening...

SoVerySad, the emotional loneliness is sometimes killing me. I hate knowing that there is no solution for it. When you are socially lonely, at least you can try to make more friends by following a class or something like that. Solving emotional loneliness seems impossible unless you find new love - but I am certain that I can never be as connected to someone as I have been with him. This all scares me.

Working with orphaned children in Guatemala would have been so much more noble and less selfish than what I did. Yes it took courage but perhaps not more than it takes for all of us to simply go on from one day to the next, while realising what has happened. It wasn't easier than staying, but I'd like to think that I learned more, and I came closer to myself, than when I would have stayed. I still have very bad spells and what I currently struggle with are meaninglessness and loneliness. Emotional loneliness, not social loneliness as I do have caring friends, but yearning for the connection I had with my one special person.

I am 1.5 years out. We were very close and connected, no children, worked together in our own small IT company just the 2 of us. We were still in love after 23 years and couldn't be without eachother for more than 2 hours. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, he died. He was 47. After 4 months it became clear to me that I wouldn't die too, though I still wanted to. I decided to go away. I made a list with things that might have a certain attraction to me - like island storm sky sheep sea wind wool. Then I googled. I packed my backpack and left to a remote and windy archepelago in the North. I have been here for a year. I have no plans for going back. I feel the love of the good friends I made here. I do physical labour under an open sky on sheepfarms. Nature is wild and rough and beautiful where I am. Leaving was the best decision I could make. At the time it felt like it was the only option I had - staying felt impossible. I wonder about the radical changes other people have made. I have never heard about widowed people who leave everything behind for a journey to the unknown, but surely there must be many. I would love to hear about/from them.