"He is always with you"

[MissingMyJon]

I went to see the new movie Terminator : Genisys with my son and father, and there was a line in the movie which almost brought me to hysterics.  I won't go into details for those who would like to see the movie, but there is a moment in the movie where the Terminator says (and I am paraphrasing), "Why do we always want to hold on, when we know we must let go."  And I lost it.  Spent most of the movie trying not to bawl my eyes out.  And the rest of the moving missing my Jon horribly.  The line so rang true to me.  I am struggling with letting go of the life I was supposed to have.  Struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have a lifetime left without him.  Struggling to start a new life.  I try to live in the moment so I don't get overwhelmed by that knowledge, but when I heard that line on the big screen, I couldn't help but think about Jon. And I was floored.

 

When I talk to my friends about my feelings of missing Jon or needing his strength, or when I get floored by just the simplest things (like the line from the movie), they always tell me Jon is with me.  Always close.  But I don't really feel that way.  I get what they are saying, logically, but I don't feel him.  Not really.  And I haven't found a way to feel him close.  He is never going to be close enough anymore.  It's not enough.  I just haven't found a way to feel like his is with me.  I guess the real problem is, of course, that it's not what I want.  I really want him, next to me, in a lifelong embrace. 

 

I just miss him so much these days...  :'(

[Virgo]

They might think it's a comforting thing to say, but it's just not the same. I'm going through a minor medical/dental issue with my middle daughter and was venting to a friend about how I wish Phil was here to help me make decisions for her. He said, "just ask him. Talk to him about it." I could, and I do, but obviously I'm not going to get a response. I still have to make the decision.

 

I definitely get what you are saying.

[cgelpink]

I understand exactly what you mean.  I feel the same way. There have been several movies that I have been to in which I just sit there and quietly cry through the whole thing. It always hits me when I least expect it to.  I know in my head that I have to eventually let go and try to face the reality that Brandan isn't here. But it's so so hard. My heart doesn't want to let go. I feel your pain.  Also, I have told my friends that the thing that will help me the most when I'm in that frame of mind is not words, but hugs. You know, the real, feel good, 20 second hugs.   

[MissingMyJon]

Virgo and cgelpink,

 

Thank you both for responding, and getting it. 

 

Virgo, I hope your daughter is ok, and I know what you mean.  Whenever I need to make decisions for my kids, it is so hard to do so without Jon.  I know I can make those decisions, but it still doesn't feel right to do so without him.

 

Cgelpink,  I bet those long hugs feel wonderful. I am so glad you get them. We all need hugs like those.  I do get quick hugs by friends and family, but what I wouldn't give for one of those long, big bear hugs.  The ones where you feel safe.  My DH gave the biggest, longest, most amazing bear hugs.  The kind of hugs where the world just melted away... Sigh... what I wouldn't give for one of his hugs.

[Virgo]

Thanks, my daughter is fine. She's about a month from getting her braces off and we notice a discoloration in one of her top front teeth. I took her to a dentist and he confirmed what I feared, her tooth died. She's 13 and looking at a root canal. Poor thing doesn't even have a cavity. We were postitive that it was caused from the pressure of them adjusting her braces. Her orthodontist confirmed that. He said, "we don't like to think that adjusting braces can cause that to happen, but it does happen." Now I'm searching for an endodontist in our network to do the root canal. I might just have to go out of network, or pay the whole amount out of pocket. I want someone that both our dentist and orthodontist are familiar with. I just wish Phil was here to help me choose an endodontist.

[Viva]

You know when people tell me ?He is watching over you.? or ?He would know it.? or ?He is still with you.? something like that. I cannot make any response and always smile with bitter. I want to tell them that he is not with me, he is not there for me and he would not know.

 

I do not find these comforting at all.

[Jen]

Viva, I feel much the same. If I say "I wish he were here," and someone answers, "Oh, but he is!" it's all I can do not to tell them to go f*** themselves. It always strikes me as smug, patronizing, and minimizing of my grief. There is nothing comforting in it at all. But that's just me... (((Hugs)))

[Ursula]

MissingMyJon, I get what you say. Feeling much the same. Trying to distract myself so I won't start thinking, because if I do, I break down. Everything reminds me of his abscence that will be FOREVER, everywhere there are things that make me think of him and it hurts, all the bloody time.

How can we let go? Like, blank our memories? How should we do the 'closure' part of the grieving business (as they describe the stages of grieving so nicely) ???  Honestly, like closing a door on somebody and just forgetting or what?

 

sorry you felt bad.  ((MMJ))

 

And to everybody who talked about the stuff people say, those are empty words, 'he is with you' - yeah, as if. would be nice, but nope. I haven't got the gene it takes to feel their presence. I tried, believe me, I tried, to talk, to get him to appear and whatever, but nothing, lovely nothingness.

 

 

[Tricia]

As much as I'd like to believe that he is always with us and watching over us, I also can't imagine how painful and frustrating that would be for him. Maybe I'm thinking about it too literally or in too worldly of a way, but if it were me, and I were forced to just sit on my hands and watch my loved ones hurt and grieve and live without being able to contact them or comfort them, that would be worse than anyone's religious Hell.

 

Sometimes I feel his presence. But mostly I think he's just...gone. I'm not sure which one is more or less comforting.

[Jen]

Tricia, my thoughts more or less echo yours on this. If LH saw our youngest howling like a wounded wolf for him, or me sobbing until I vomited, he couldn't possibly rest in any kind of peace! At first I wanted him to stay close, and it almost felt as though he did, but one day I realized he was gone. I haven't really felt him since. Now I hope he's skipping the rings of Saturn or soaring through nebulae or strolling through fields of gold... doing whatever brings him bliss. Maybe I'll get to see him when I go West, or maybe not. My love for him will remain, and I trust that his for me remains as well.

[BrokenHeart2]

Platitudes drive me nuts!  Hugs to all of you!