Dealing with angry children

[Guest DebW]

8 weeks ago my husband died of cancer, we have a 10 year old girl and just turned 9 year old boy.

 

Although he was given a terminal diagnosis from the start he was absolutely adament that the children weren't to know he would die, he wanted them to just be kids and live as normally as possible. Although our lives were far from normal for 8 months the kids just got used to him being sick and I suppose just thought he would one day get better. I wanted to tell them but also wanted to respect his wishes so did what he asked.

 

The night before he died he was admitted to hospice and although I knew he wouldn't be happy I did sit the children down, tell them that daddy was very seriously ill and it was looking as though the doctors couldn't help him any more. The next morning he died and telling them was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, worse than saying goodbye to my husband was shattering their innocence and belief that god is good.

 

Since he died they have both been very very angry, disruptive, aggressive towards one another and to me. I know they're hurting but to hear 'I hate you, you're a stupid mother' on a daily basis is totally demoralising when I am just doing my best. My daughter asked me if I knew that he was going to die - she said I should've told her so she could have prepared herself better. I knew I would be left behind to deal with the fallout of decisions made but I didn't expect to have so much anger directed at me. She refuses to talk to a counsellor, I've tried reading some books with her but she just shuts me out. My son is still loving towards me but does take it out on his sister which in turn creates fighting and yelling which totally stresses me out. I hope things will get better over time but how long will this phase of grieving last? How can I help them?

[SoVerySad]

I'm so sorry, DebW. It must be hard to deal with their anger when it is turned against you or each other. I took the approach with my kids (who were 13 & 14 at the times so a little older) that a full range of emotions, including anger, was to be expected as I was feeling them myself.  I had a few episodes where they did lash out at me. I think it was mainly because I was just there, but suspect they also were feeling anger that I had changed, too. Everything was completely changed. I explained to them that they could always talk to me about how they were feeling - anytime day or night. I told them it was okay to feel angry, but the normal rules for appropriately dealing with anger still applied. I also told them that we really needed to lean on each other to get through this tragedy that had happened to us.

 

As far as your daughter's anger at your husband's desire to not tell them, I would just keep reinforcing why he did so - he loved them and didn't want them worried or sad, he wanted to enjoy his time with them instead of thinking about being sick, he hoped he would get better and tried very hard to do so. I would also tell her that even though you knew he might die, knowing it hasn't made it any better or easier. It just isn't something you can really prepare yourself for until the person is gone and you can't see, talk to, touch them again. Knowing wouldn't have made the hurt they're feeling now less. I would also stress that it is okay for her to feel angry at her dad for his choice, but to know he made it with the best of intentions and you wanted to honor his wishes.

 

Sending you tight, hugs. It is so hard to deal with our children's hurts when we are feeling so devastated ourselves.

[rifatheroffour]

DebW,

 

I am sorry for your loss.  My wife died suddenly even though she had been ill for a while, we were trying to get on a transplant list and things went bad faster than expected.  My kids all refused counseling as well. About a year later my oldest began to lash out with anger issues and I forced the issue he went to see someone for a couple months and it has helped, he continues to go occasionally when his anger begins to seep out again.

 

For her sake find a way to insist she goes even if it is for a limited time, try 4 or 5 sessions and if you don't think it helps you can stop kind of thing.  If you see improvements yourself be prepared to try and re-enforce the positive so she can see it as well.

 

Good luck and hugs to you.

[Portside]

She refuses to talk to a counsellor, I've tried reading some books with her but she just shuts me out. My son is still loving towards me but does take it out on his sister which in turn creates fighting and yelling which totally stresses me out. I hope things will get better over time but how long will this phase of grieving last? How can I help them?

 

Sorry to hear of the passing of your husband.

 

Ugh - seeing the kids affected is the worst, isn't it? My youngest sons were the same ages as your kids when their mother died. Mine didn't act quite the same way although there was plenty of anger. Their anger was primarily directed at my late wife. I think it is normal for the kids to act out in this way for a time.

 

There are a number of things you can do - but, it's tough. First off, get both of them to a family/grief therapist right away. Especially if they don't want to go. They are too young to be in charge of their lives and if you think that is the best for them, do it. They are already acting up - it can't get much worse because they are steamed you are making them go to the therapist. A decent therapist will pull you into the sessions also just to check with you how the kids are doing, what's going on at home, etc. My kids went for about a year. It did them a world of good.

 

This worked for us (your mileage may vary). I set some rules that could not be violated around the house regarding my sons' behavior:

 

- No fighting

- No breaking things

- No screaming

- No sass or back talk

- Had to go to school everyday

 

We had a few slip ups but only a few. After they found out I was serious and would make the rules stick, my boys settled into a 'normal' mode of childhood grief. (Consequences for acting out was specific to the infraction and the child. You have to determine what works in your house with your kids.)

 

My boys moved on from the bad behavior pretty quickly and, as I mentioned, settled into a calmer grief. My youngest didn't speak for roughly 4/5 months - seriously, he didn't talk at all. So, in his sessions with the therapist, he just sat there and let his brother do the talking. One day though, he opened up. He just needed that time to process it all. (He had found his mother's body  :'( ).

 

As for how long does the anger last - well, I wish I could tell you. My youngest is now 19 and in the Navy. He is still mad about the situation with his Mom. He is happy, outgoing and successful in the rest of his life but he doesn't want to talk about his Mom, gives back any pictures, etc. I give him, etc. He may always be so. My other kids show no anger at all now.

 

Of all the things I worried about when my late wife died, I worried about the kids most.

 

The good news is they turned into fine, well-balanced and mature young men. Hopefully, your kids will too.

 

Best wishes, Mike

 

ps - PM me if you feel the need for more. 

 

 

[widowat33]

I'm sorry for your loss.

My youngest also went through a period of anger, towards everyone and anyone. My husband died suddenly in an accident. I don't think the circumstances matter sometimes, even if they had known he was going to die they would still be angry. And why wouldn't they be? I think it's normal to be mad about losing someone. I really don't think your daughter is only mad because you didn't tell her, but just mad. You are the easiest target for her anger..she knows you will be there for her and love her regardless of how she lashes out at you.

When my youngest, 9 years old at the time, was acting out I made an appointment for myself to see a counsellor for advice on how to deal with his behaviour. Unfortunately we weren't a good match however she said that I couldn't force the kids to see a counsellor, it wouldn't do any good. Fortunately his anger subsided and now a year later he is handling his grief in different ways. There are still rough days and probably always will be, but as a family we are all adjusting to the many changes in our lives.

I try not to offer advice here as we are all so different and our circumstances are as well. Personally I just supported them, normalized what they were feeling and tried to be understanding even when they were acting out due to anger. It's hard not to take it personally though.

Sending you hugs.

[Guest TooSoon]

My daughter was 6 when my husband died.  He had Glioblastoma and the two years from diagnosis to death were fraught will unpredictable and wildly vacillating moods and personality changes.  Once he died, I took this approach: your feelings are valid but you have to tell me what they are.  All feelings are ok and normal and if we are honest with each other about what we are feeling and what we think we might need, then we can work it out together.  Like Portside, I also set some boundaries that could not be crossed.  I also let her sleep in my bed much longer than I should have but I felt she needed the physicality of my presence.  This worked for us.  She still gets angry and I still get angry but we have a language for it now and most importantly, she knows that while I might as a parent have to impose limits and consequences, it is safe to come tell me anything that is on her mind ideally before it becomes a problem.  Is she wise beyond her 8.5 years, absolutely.  Do I sometimes regret that?  Yes.  But we needed to be a team and we needed a plan.    I've also noticed over the past 2.5 years how much her own ability to cope has evolved and changed with time and maturation. 

 

Counseling has helped me; but the counseling I've sought for her has often seems superfluous though we continue on (weeklu with the same person for nearly 2 years now) as I don't think another adult constant in her life is a negative thing. 

 

At only 8 weeks, of course you are all reeling.  Be kind to yourself.  I will be thinking of you. 

 

P.S. I still get the "I hate you," or more often the, "I hate your career."  It seems to go with the territory. 

 

 

[Guest Mel4072]

I didn't force counseling until almost a year later. My daughter has spiraled out of control right under my own nose. I had no idea the things she was doing trying to deal with her own grief. Although, I am a very supportive parent and asked about her feelings, she opted to deal with them in very unhealthy ways and kept me in the dark. When I discovered that she was teetering on the edge of destruction, I forced the counselor. Fortunately, it was a good fit. He helped her smooth out the edges and start to think, rather than act on her grief.

She still gets angry. Initially, it broke my heart. I was very sensitive, trying to deal with my own grief. Now, I'm a rock and stand firm. She can feel whatever she feels and it doesn't move me.

It's so tough in the beginning. There's no way to fix the kids' grief. You just have to be the parent. And it's hard because you are emotionally exhausted.

I agree with setting boundaries. No fighting, no screaming, no aggression. One thing that helped me with my daughter was when she screwed up, I would say "that's not acceptable, would you like to try again?". Or "that isn't going to cut it, would you like a do over?". It allows her to stop and think and change her mistake. If she wants to continue to be disrespectful, then there are consequences.

Good luck. I highly recommend counseling now to avoid the problems I faced.

[Guest DebW]

Thanks for the replies, I especially am going to take on the ideas of laying down some rules about acceptable behaviour. I feel that because of what has happened they do get away with a lot, also I don't have the energy to discipline them but I'm going to have to dig deep. Another thing I am guilty of is letting them stay up too late because I hate the evenings alone so that won't be helping.

 

I contacted the bereavement support team at our local hospice and they are giving us a 9am slot every Friday, my 10 year old will see a private counsellor and do art therapy, my 9 year old will do play/art therapy with a different counsellor. The one my daughter is going to see came to our house for a general non-threatening chat and my daughter seemed to like her and was agreeable to seeing her again at hospice so that is good. I'm sure it will help us all.

[K+F]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Trying to keep your head above water while you are grieving and trying to help your babies through it is the hardest thing in the world!  We are 10 months out and tonight my sweet son, who we adopted at 2 days old, told me that I wasn't his real mom and he wanted his birth mother.  I literally felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I know he angry, and missing his dad, but still...I really don't have any sound advice, I am just sending hugs and support. 

[Guest DebW]

Oh god that must've hurt. The other night we were having dinner and my daughter told me her life would be easier if I had died not dad as he was more organised and didn't stress out like I do. I just tried to explain that I'm doing the best I can and this is an extreme situation so who knows how dad would've coped.

[Sugarbell]

I am so sorry for your loss and the kiddos loss.

 

I am probably not much help-mine were all under 5....But my oldest ( who was close to 5).. took out his anger physically at the time. Like hitting large trees as hard as he could with a golf club until it broke. I know kids are all different-but with my boys (who are now 10 and 12)... being physical has helped them cope over the years. They don't do well with idle time...so sports, outdoor work...it's been like therapy for them-Even now. Plus they are around other boys and usually men coaches-and it's just helped. (Depends on the kid I suppose)

 

My daughter is now 8..and was a baby when he died. Not much help with girls-I am still learning the gir/mood swing thing myself. But she is the one...even now...who can lash out with "You are the worst Mommy in the whole wide world" to 10 minutes later telling me how awesome I am. She can swing a mood very quick. So I let her temper tantrums roll off my back anymore.

[twistedmensa]

Oh god that must've hurt. The other night we were having dinner and my daughter told me her life would be easier if I had died not dad as he was more organised and didn't stress out like I do. I just tried to explain that I'm doing the best I can and this is an extreme situation so who knows how dad would've coped.

 

My son told me the same thing. He and his Dad were extremely close. I think my son got the butt end of this deal...lol.

[Guest DebW]

Oh god that must've hurt. The other night we were having dinner and my daughter told me her life would be easier if I had died not dad as he was more organised and didn't stress out like I do. I just tried to explain that I'm doing the best I can and this is an extreme situation so who knows how dad would've coped.

 

My son told me the same thing. He and his Dad were extremely close. I think my son got the butt end of this deal...lol.

 

Me too! My daughter and her Dad were like two peas in a pod - I know she feels like the third wheel because my son and I are very close. Will just have to work on improving our relationship.