Do you ever intentionally torment yourself?

[Carey]

On the way to work this morning, "our" song came on. I have religiously avoided that song for the last 20 months.  I have a whole playlist of his songs that make me sad/cry, etc and I still periodically listen to it anyway knowing it's gonna hurt.  But that one, I could not go there. It's  Blue Clear Sky by George Strait.  We met on the telephone, and it became our song when he sang it to me on the telephone, talking about I was the surprise he never expected, but that he had been looking for, and I came to him "out of the blue clear sky"  (we met because I was calling a friend who happened to not be home, his roommate (Chad) answered the phone and that was all it took).  I've left stores to avoid it. I've asked strangers to change the station. I've removed it from my computers and my phones. And then this morning. There it was.  And I hesitated. I had my hand on the button and couldn't push it.  I listened to it. All the way through and just cried and cried. WHY would I do that to myself? I was trying to hear his voice singing it to me in my head and I couldn't.    I could still see a picture of him singing it, or of us dancing to it.  But I couldn't conjure his voice.  I miss that man so damned much.  I went to a funeral Tuesday for my 37 year old friend.  The viewing was in the same room that they had Chad in.  I struggled but was proud of myself for getting through the funeral without drawing attention to myself.  Then, that night I had dreams of being in that funeral home and walking up to her very PINK casket, expecting to see Crystal, only every time I got close, the body in the casket morphed into Chad.  A decomposing unpreserved Chad.  I'm a mess.  And I knew I was a mess and I let that song play anyway.  I just cant fathom why? Have any of ya'll done something like that?  Any thoughts? Why would we want to make ourselves feel WORSE when it can be avoided?

[Max2507]

I think sometimes you just have to let yourself go there, feel it. Its a happy memory in one way, a trigger in another. Having just attended a funeral too so difficult. I wouldn't call it torment its not like being masochistic its more like if I listen to it this time will the happy memory out weigh the trigger. Eventually I have found somethings like that have evolved from too painful to eliciting sweet memories, so I hope it will for you too.

[Virgo]

I think even though a particular action is painful we do find some comfort and healing in it too. Looking through photos, listening to sentimental songs, reading love letters, whatever that action might be.

[twistedmensa]

I do the same thing. Sometimes I'll even hit 'repeat' a few times. Makes me question my sanity. But music is very healing to me. Maybe it's a way to handle the pain in three minute increments.

[Baylee627]

Yes. I can feel the tears back loading for days and the only way to release them at my convenience, and not caught unawares, is to play meaningful, melancholy music, and/or go clutch his clothes that still carry his scent.

 

I'd combust if I didn't do this semi-regularly.

 

Baylee

[Carey]

It stuck with me all day yesterday. I guess attending that funeral this week impacted me more than I thought it would.  But I haven't played the song again. The irony is I listened to Pandora the rest of the day and "Im Already There", "see you again (carrie underwood) "  played within the first hour.  I guess it was just one of those days. He was so goofy sometimes, and I picture him with his ball cap on backwards sitting in the car singing that song, he would always "sing" the musical interlude part too.  God I miss him.