There is nothing left that I want

[Jen]

I said I wasn't going to count anymore, but I happened to notice the date and realized without meaning to that tomorrow makes 16 months. I got to thinking about it... I've come a long way in that time. I've gone from being completely shattered to semi-put-together. I've gone from screaming in agony to sighing when I open my sock drawer and glance at the urn on the bureau. (I'm also up to 14 15 16 cups of crushed ice today-- I have a problem, and may need intervention. But at least it's water and not alcohol or crack or something.)

 

I'm okay. I'm not particularly happy and I'm not miserable. I've had some good things happen, and I've more or less let go of the rest. I like myself, and I think I have a lot to offer, but I doubt anyone will ever want it, or me. I've made up my mind to stop caring about it.

 

I don't really even know why I'm posting this... it just dawned on me that maybe I'm not in hell anymore, at least not the deepest pit of it. Maybe this is purgatory? Limbo?

 

I don't know. Maybe there will be something unequivocally good one of these days. Meanwhile, I've slightly impressed that I've made it as far as I have. I couldn't have done it alone, and I want to tell you all how grateful I am for the company I've had on the way. Hugs.

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey JJ

"One day at a time". Now I really get what that means. I'm at 26 months and it's been a roller coaster. Hang on and keep going. You'll get there Lady!  I couldn't have done it alone either and I too am so greatful for EVERYONE here too!  Hugs to you.

[Jen]

It occurs to me that the title of this post makes no sense-- I'm sorry about that. I was at work when I wrote it, distracted by call lights and the phone and a chatty coworker, and I never got around to explaining that part. I can't stand to leave things unfinished, so-- here goes. Feel free to ignore, I just have to get it all out.

 

When Jim died, when he left so suddenly and without warning, I was devastated, as we all were. I was completely lost, without the first idea of how I was going to survive as a wid. I couldn't even stand the sound of the word: widow. WIDOW. Ugly, horrible idea that conjures up images of a hump-backed old lady in a black dress going grimly about her daily tasks, alone, unloved, unwanted, barely tolerated by society. I was so full of love that had nowhere to go-- my circuit was broken, and all that energy, all that need, was just spewing out like water from a ruptured dam. So I tried to plug that vast, gaping hole-- I tried to fill it and to direct the outpour in a way that would help me and others who needed it too. I gave all I had to give- I gave all of me, in the hope that I would find some healing. And I did find some-- I found love and support and friendship. I'm eternally grateful for that, and I won't ever take it for granted.

 

What I didn't find was what I thought I had to have: a complement, someone to be my other half. I'm an amputee, but the bleeding has finally stopped. I don't guess the phantom pain will ever go away, but I've finally reached the point where I understand that nobody will ever fill that space again. And I don't want them to. I don't want anything or anybody. I want me. I've found me, and I like me. I'm a good person with a good heart, even if it's broken and scarred beyond recognition. I just want peace, and I have that. I have everything I need. I am enough.

 

Once again, thank you all for listening to me, and for being on the road with me. ((((HUGS))))

[Virgo]

"You will become someone it would have been impossible for you to be, and in this way your loved one lives on, in you."

 

This is a great quote from an article someone posted in another thread. We are forever changed. Maybe we won't be as happy as we were before, but I believe we will be happy again.

[Kealoha]

Hugs. 

 

Thanks for bravely sharing throughout your journey, it take so much strength to do that and frankly I am not even at a place where I can contemplate opening up more than a teensy bit, even within such an understanding forum.  So thank you so much for that.

 

"I am enough."

 

Such a powerful statement... So happy for you and looking at this as something to aspire to.

[Ursula]

 

"I am enough."

 

Such a powerful statement... So happy for you and looking at this as something to aspire to.

 

Yep, exactly that Jen, wonderful, glad you found that place.

Hugs and carry on like this

xxx

[Jen]

With enough repetition, maybe I'll even believe it... :-\

 

(((((HUGS)))))

[Tricia]

"(I'm also up to 14 15 16 cups of crushed ice today-- I have a problem, and may need intervention. But at least it's water and not alcohol or crack or something.)"

 

This part of your post caught my attention. And although it seems irrelevant and like overstepping, I'd hate myself if I didn't at least throw it out there. A compulsion towards chewing ice is sometimes a sign of a condition called pica, which can indicate iron deficiency or anemia. I'm not a doctor, but low iron can also make a person feel cruddy, and the last thing a widowed parent needs is one more challenge. Just a loving, gentle suggestion to think about getting a blood test.

 

More relevantly, I think a huge part of the healing process is becoming comfortable with who we are now. As long as our worlds crashed and we have to reinvent ourselves, we might as well make ourselves into the people we'd like to be. I'm happy that you're there. I think I'm on that road, but man, it sure is tough.

[Jen]

Lol, Tricia, I'm almost through my tenth cup of ice today. I started chewing ice when I was pregnant with my youngest-- I think then it might have been real pica, but almost 10 (!) years later, it's just a really bad habit! I will say that I'd almost stopped, but had a resurgence in the last few months. When I had my physical in April, my H&H was a little low, and my doctor wanted me to take iron... I confess, I never bothered.

 

Out of curiosity, I just checked my hematocrit-- our NICU has a centrifuge, so we can check the babies' crits without sending it to the lab. It was 37 (reference range is 36-48), so the very low end of "normal." Guess I should get some iron supplements.

 

Hugs and thank you. I really am trying to do better with self-care, but it's easier to take the path of least resistance on some things. It may be that there's still part of me that thinks, Why bother? What do I want to prolong my life for? Why do I deserve to feel better, anyway?

 

Bad attitude. I'm working on it. (((((More hugs))))))

[Trying]

I can't tolerate iron supplements and tend to be anemic.  Spinach is my answer.  I take a bag of baby spinach, wilt it for less than a minute in a nonstick pan with a tsp of olive oil, sea salt, pepper and nutmeg.  It cooks down to just a small bowl and is warm and yummy (the nutmeg is so good with it!). also green smoothies with spinach, Apple, banana, lemon juice and ice.  Way easier on the system than supplements and so healthy!

[Jen]

I do love sauteed spinach-- haven't braved a green smoothie, although I have friends who swear by them. For some reason, I'm on a huge banana kick, so maybe when I get spinach for supper tonight-- you've inspired me -- I'll get an extra bag and give it a try.