Kealoha

When I went to apply for the SS benefits they actually cautioned me that it would be good to have spending records for this purpose. I track my spending in the Mint app and can tag categories as kid spending, if anyone is interested in spreadsheet alternatives. Hope things go smoothly for you.

Thank you for sharing. Really hits the nail on the head.

Thanks for the article Maureen. I admit, I use that phrase (and still do) primarily as a reminder to myself not to get overly invested. More in the sense of "oh, I didn't get that interview callback" (but something else that is a better fit is waiting for me). Now that I think about it I don't say it to others, not in relation to really important matters and especially not for loss/grief. It is totally inappropriate for the context of loss and I have been fortunate to have a lot of friends who have just been there without trying to rationalize anything. Sorry that you have been on the receiving end of this from people who have no idea what you're going through!

Please give the exit interview careful consideration. If he is honest there is little to gain. I have not seen any changes internally from an exit interview that pointed out constructively things that could be improved. And the repercussions in the field down the line could be substantial if the wrong people are involved. I would suggest using another venue to vent. Use the exit interview to demonstrate he is the bigger person. Hth.

Passing along another article i found through a number of links... Never would have imagined this depth of an interview to be in a fluffy magazine. Make time to read to the end, it's not light. I've been a big fan of Colbert's for some time but this just really added a whole new dimension. He talks about his bereavement (dad and 2 brothers) at age 10 and how he and his mom were impacted. "I love the thing that I most wish had not happened." His nuanced take on "love" here really helped me think about how I've been processing loss and also how that might show up with DD. Baby steps. http://www.gq.com/story/stephen-colbert-gq-cover-story

Kayak.com is an easy-to-use but also powerful flight search engine that I really like. Before DD was born I flew >100k miles/yr and actually used kayak to find my optimal flight, then booked it with corporate travel. It allows you to filter pretty specifically according to your requirements (times, layover, carrier, etc). It will also look for "hacker fares" ie flying with different carriers if it is cheaper. Farecompare is also good for their free flight alerts to notify you if prices change. If you avoid the business traveler "commute" (out on Monday, back on Fri or Sat) fares are generally better. My family has flown for "free" (including parents, siblings, extended fam) for a long time using this strategy: If you have a credit card with points that can convert into miles, that can save a lot of money if you redeem miles for an award ticket. you do need to hangout ve more flexibility and some familiarity with the award booking maze. I have a Chase credit card that earns points which can be converted into either cash or miles. In some cases (particularly international travel) you can save a few hundred dollars off the equivalent flight price by using miles. Ie if you have 70k points, that could be $700 cash, but you could also in some cases redeem for an award ticket costing 70k miles that would run you $1k+ if you bought in cash. domestically I've saved >50% off ticket prices ($ savings are more like $250/$300 just bc domestic tix are less expensive). Feel free to PM me if you want more info... Airbnb for lodging is fantastic, I stick to the consistently highly reviewed places so there is less chance of surprise. Costco travel is another highly overlooked source for great deals. I get all my personal car rentals through them; you get a free extra driver. By booking a couple months ahead and checking back frequently I have consistently gotten car rentals in the <$12/day range TOTAL for the last 9-10 yrs, including convertibles and 4x4s in Hawaii. Ie my total rental price is generally more than half fees because the "rental" part is so low. Thanks Costco! *i know travel is a luxury and we were fortunate to have that opportunity. That being said we also saved and tried to find the best deals-- we would buy vacations or a vacation activity instead of exchanging tangible gifts. There are a lot of good savings out there thankfully!

Yes... Finally got this done too (thought we had more time!) and the will and trust are now in place. But then also comes all the paperwork for setting up all the appropriate custodial bank accounts because DD is a minor. (CUTMA here in california). A couple other things to consider: Term life insurance - i am also <35 so considering multiple laddered policies. Ie a 30-year, 20-year, and 10-year. If somethinf happens to me within next 10years, all 3 pay out. After 10 years you have a little more security and stop paying premiums on the 10-year, so then you have 2 left. Disability income insurance - ie if something happened to me and I didn't die, but was unable to maintain working at the salary I have. We wouldn't be able to live in california anymore. These policies protect your income, there are a lot of variations, but for me well worth the premium to protect DD and myself. Bogleheads.org has good wikis to give overviews... And I find the forums to be pretty helpful as well.

Hugs. Thanks for bravely sharing throughout your journey, it take so much strength to do that and frankly I am not even at a place where I can contemplate opening up more than a teensy bit, even within such an understanding forum. So thank you so much for that. "I am enough." Such a powerful statement... So happy for you and looking at this as something to aspire to.

I came upon the article at work and had to close my door because I was tearing up. On a lot of fronts it looks like I am "ok", I guess-- I can carry on conversations, lead my team at work to be successful on our big projects, think about the future and even be productive on some really big things (in 6 months got term life insurance, disability income insurance, set up will and trust and associated bank accounts, etc.). But I've been describing my state from almost the first month out as just being a different person... Feels like I had an entire former life that I know like a favorite book or movie, but from a distance. I thought it was the new widow fog but now am more of the opinion that this is just how it will feel. It's a little disconcerting (well, a lot). Glad to know that others liked the article too.

Sharing this powerfully written piece... It resonated with me. "Your grief is your love, turned inside-out. That is why it is so deep. That is why it is so consuming. When your sadness seems bottomless, it is because your love knows no bounds." http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/12/18/5-lies-you-were-told-about-grief/

Not a meal idea so much as a shortcut/healthy carb alternative... But Virgo's chili recipe reminded me. Cut a spaghetti squash in half across the short diameter, scoop out the seeds, and put cut side down in a glass baking dish with about 1/4 inch of water. Microwave for 8 mins, turn around and microwave another 8 mins. Scoop out the "spaghetti" with a fork when cool. Top with chili, spaghetti sauce, pesto, sundried julienned tomatoes in oil (thank you Costco), +/- chicken, sausage, etc. The squash is bland alone when prepared this way but is a great easy base for highly flavored sauces. I make a big squash and then refrigerate the extra for leftovers. Lots of fiber and vitamin A and helps me manage those all to frequent stress induced carb cravings.

Apparently some people are actually turning this into a business already... Check out Thirstie, Drizly, or Saucey. 🍷🍸🍹🍻 You can tell where my mind is at this Fri night. Cheers all!

You have great friends and support and I bet they are appreciative of the packages. Having been in a somewhat similar situation (as a friend to someone untangling from a bad environment), I will also suggest that the biggest thank you that you could give them is 1) the gift of doing what you are doing! And 2) continuing to do whatever you need to heal, and rely on them when needed. True friendships grow stronger with giving. Let them be there for you. And we will be here to cheer you on too!

Oh hugs to you. That must be so difficult. I still have everything in the house and haven't moved it; in-laws have offered to help but I just told them I wasn't ready. i am sorry you are getting this pressure from your friends. Re the books, if you are ok with parting with them, could you trade them in on Amazon or maybe donate to a school or library near you? When I'm ready I think I will donate a lot of clothes to an org that helps people get back on their feet, -and books either to Amazon or a school, depending on content. Sorry this is all coming so close to a difficult time.... Sending big hugs.

Toddler snuggles into your neck and little hands patting your face as they get sleepy. Best blues banisher ever. I am so lucky to have this every day. DD may never fully know how much she helps me.

Love wins! And coincidentally it is Pride weekend in SF. "For all its sham and drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." (Unknown)

Congratulations!!! Both for getting yourself and your son out, AND for refraining from castrating him for laying a hand on your kid. +1 on Kamcho's comment about documenting everything. Consider talking to both J's doctor and your doctor about it so it is in your medical record. Perhaps that can even be used to back up a restraining order? Standing ovation for you.

Apparently Amazon now has same day delivery in some markets... Prime is already a terrible enabler that I use far too much but it helps! if they did wine it would break the internet. Maybe a business idea in the making? My little is in bed too, but I haven't had wine for 2 yrs now b/c of pregnancy and nursing. I could totally go for a nice big zin. Raising a virtual glass to you for getting through every day!

Also: amazing talk at Yale, including how his perspective from the tragedy colors how he works with others. http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/answer-sheet/wp/2015/05/31/vice-president-bidens-very-personal-speech-to-yale-graduates/

Sending so many good thoughts your way. I am in awe of your courage. "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela

So sorry that we are all part of this club, but glad you are here. We are on a similar timeline-- 3 months out-- and everyone on here has been incredibly supportive as I muddle through the new widow fog with a little one (DD is 1). A piece of advice that I've held onto is this: you need to be ok in order for the kids to be ok. I know we are a long way from "ok" but at least that helps the mommy guilt from becoming overwhelming as we try and navigate this crazy alternate reality. I'm also contemplating a move from country to city because it is so hard to be in our house... Plus logistics are so much easier for me (commute in particular). It is tough. At this point I am also a little thankful for the widow fog since it is blunting a lot of the emotions that would probably incapacitate me if I dealt with them head on. Just getting through one more hour and one more day is an accomplishment-- and you are doing it. Sending you and your daughter many hugs and hoping you can find some moments of peace in your day. Feel free to PM any time if you need an ear to listen.

Congratulations to M and you both. What an amazing milestone; I'm sorry you didn't have Jeff there too. Your love for her comes through so clearly in what you've shared with us. Big big hugs...

Sending lots of positive and healing thoughts your way! Hope you get back home soon.

Congratulations! Something that those of us with younger kids can aspire to... Nice job mama.

This article is a few years old but I think it is so simply brilliant. Would love to give a copy of this to some probably well-meaning but clueless individuals. Comfort in, dump out. http://articles.latimes.com/2013/apr/07/opinion/la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407