How's this for a mindf*** - atypical background

[gracelet]

When I say I'm dating someone with an atypical background, that's an understatement.  She revealed to me last night (after about 6 weeks of dating) that she grew up in a cult. Like full on, immersed in a crazy religious world, shut off from society, exploitative brain washing cult.  She escaped six years ago when she was 19.

 

I'm scared.  Does anyone have any experience at all of this vicariously?  She didn't run a mile when I told her about my widowhood so I feel I owe her something too.  But oh my god, how can I be strong enough for her if I can't even be strong enough for myself? She's not to blame for any of this and how sad that her life so far has been dominated by people taking total advantage.

 

Shit.

 

And know what's weird? I sensed this from the beginning.  Spooky intuition.

 

What do I do?  I really like her.

 

PS - I think this takes the biscuit with Tinder finds.

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

Yes, have had an experience with this. Fill u in later.

[Bunny]

My late husband was raised in a cult (very popular in Hollywood, around where he grew up). Was in it from about age 4-14. Hardly ever went to school because he worked for the "church". Never formally educated past the 8th grade- but he was a very curious person and a voracious reader, so spent his life self-educating. He had a very 'colorful' past in addition to this, because of this? Yes, the cult years had an affect on him as an adult, in both good ways and bad. I really wish he'd gone into therapy to address his childhood and relationship with his toxic mother. He had some serious anger/anxiety/depression issues.

 

That being said, I wouldn't let it be a deciding factor in whether you continue seeing her. We all have pasts we don't want to be judged on at face-value, yes? My late husband was also funny, charismatic, brilliant, creative, and much loved in his community. Bonus point: In conversational lulls at dinner parties pulling out that little tidbit of information can really liven things up! (He had no problem discussing the insanity of this cult to the curious, told some crazy stories).

 

Good luck...

[Pammy]

Wow. Ok, well I do not have any direct experience with this, but my current husband's wife claimed she was raised in a cult. I say "claimed" because there is some doubt that it all was reality. Her recollections and experiences were pretty far-fetched and no evidence has ever been produced to support her claims. The things she said, wow. I mean I know that this stuff exists, but.... This cult was to the extreme - things like child abductions, sexual, physical and mental abuse, incest, human and animal sacrifice were all relayed by her to my husband and her many therapists. She also developed alternate personalities in her efforts to deal with what had happened to her. She had something like 30 alternates. It was one of these "alters" Who was very vocal and angry about what had happened to her as a child. It was also this same alter who committed suicide leaving current hubby a widower.

 

On the outside, no one would ever know this shit happened to her (or that she was so mentally ill that she was conjuring it all up) She seemed very normal, or so I am told by many who knew her.

 

If I sound skeptical, I am. Mike (new hubby) is/was too. But it seemed to be real to her so Mike helped her the best he could until she suicided. He had to hide her meds because she had attempted a few times prior to her success. The day it happened this one particular angry alter searched hi and lo all day and finally found the meds. When he came home from work, she had passed from an overdose. A note was left and that is how he knows the alter who suicided.

 

I guess my point in all this is that we are not sure if it was real, but there was obvious real mental issues with her. We are just not sure if the mental issues came prior causing her to conjure up this cult, or if the mental issues were a result of the cult life she described so vividly to Mike and therapists.

 

Just be careful Gracelet. I can't imagine that life in a cult (if it is true) would not leave deep mental scars and the need for therapy would be there.  If she is not in therapy now, she should be. This might help take the load off you a bit.

 

Good luck and you should not be in a relationship because you think you *owe* someone...

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

There are different types of these cults. The person I knew had an issue of being controlled. At first I thought it strange, the talking of God. Well this must have been a strange God, because these people had roots with born agains. Her previous partner was the one who introduced her, had total control. He told her that God talked through him, 7 day a week Bible study nonsense. Basically a Jim jones wannabe. Complete with crazy "rituals". She was basically a pawn in his game of sickness. Called God "papa", like WTF ? And the strangest part is she totally fell for his nonsense. These cults are dangerous, not saying your situation warrants exiting. But I would certainly ask questions and find out details. Could be harmless, but I would want to know the type of cult she is talking about. Just for your own personal sanity.

[RobFTC]

Not quite a cult, maybe, but here's my brush with something like this.  My Mom grew up in a church that was so sure of their own direct lineage to Jesus' original apostles that they had no name for themselves; in fact, a charlatan in Ontario in the 1860s made the whole part up.  Nominally Christian, nobody going to any other kind of church is pure enough, and people who leave are lesser.  My Grandma worried that if she didn't beat her kids to make them pure, she'd go to hell.  I don't think my Mom believed her Mom loved her (but she very much knew her Dad did).

 

My Mom had scars, and I wish she could have talked to counselors to deal with it; that was more true late in her life due to other events.  It turned her into a rabid athiest (quelle surprise!), and forever complicated her relationship will all of her family, who were almost all hard-wired to that faith.  Her self-confidence was always lower than it should have been.  That background did supply some rich humour, whenever we saw some of the idiot televangelists' sillier actions :-)

 

Gracelet, to you I would say - you need to understand how she sees herself in relation to the cult, what connection she has to her family, what she believes now, and what she's done to get where she is now.  You need to know that she is mentally healthy for the most part, and working on what's left, if anything.  Her sexuality could be complicated by it, too (I'm sure that would *never* occur to you LOL!)  If she's come out with a world-view compatible with your own, this could be just a colourful detail from her past and a source of good jokes.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Sugarbell]

No experience....but I would try to find out what kind of cult. Scientology? Amish? Branches of Polygamy? Satanists? Certain Pentecostal religions can even be cult like. Or is she exaggerating for sympathy, attention...playing victim?

 

Everyone's definition of cult is different. And the extremes are different.

 

I wouldn't run by would tread cautious until I found our what

I was dealing with. But I am Middle Aged and grumpy...I don't want to play therapist with my lover.

[twistedmensa]

I have baggage, you have baggage...we all have baggage and the older we get, the more we accumulate. Only you can decide what amount of baggage you are willing/able to deal with.

 

When I was much younger, I belonged to a church that has been accused of being a cult. I don't know if that's true or not, but it has certainly left its imprint upon me. 

 

Tread carefully, but you may find that her experiences are the reason she didn't run away from your own baggage.

[gracelet]

Thank you everyone.

 

I'm almost certain that her own experiences are the reason she didn't run away from mine.  Who would love and appreciate her more than someone who's lost their wife and knows how precious time and love is?!  The only 'love' she's been given was abuse by people she should have been able to trust.

 

We're talking fucked up cult.  No school.  Living in compounds.  Escaping in the middle of the night.  Moving from country to country.  Six siblings. Abuse.  Brainwashing. And she's never watched the Lion King.  She was pawned off as a child model when she was little to make money for the cult.  I've seen the pictures on the magazine covers.  It's absurd.

 

I've verified the back story now.  She's not making this stuff up.  What an amazing woman to be surviving that!  She's been in therapy for a while now and firmly stays away from that life.  Her mother just died, and she doesn't keep in contact with the man who raised her because he's still a cult member.  She recognises her vulnerability though.

 

gah.  never simple

[Helen]

 

A couple of my friends were in cults, one wrote a book about her experiences (called 'The Locust Years'), another is my bestie Ann. Both of them have pretty healthy attitudes towards the whole thing, neither are left with any long lasting damage, except a healthy suspicion of anything that looks at all weird.

 

I am pleased TG#5 is working out so relatively well =)