Feeling lost

[SailorGirl]

Hello all,

 

I was a member over at YWBB but I haven't posted here as I've been caught in a bit of a whirlwind.  In April, my new guy and I moved to Florida to be on the water.  It was a dream come true, or so I thought.  I got a great job, and settled in quickly.  I found a gorgeous beach house and closed on it July 31--what would have been my 11th anniversary.  From the outside everything looks great, but on the inside it's not.

 

I feel extremely lost and lonely.  I've been unpacking all of my belongings in the new house, and it's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.  I feel like I'm trying to make my old life fit into this new one.

 

I'm having a hard time making friends here.  It's been almost 5 months, and I have made maybe one or two friends.  I'm 34 and childless.  At this age, most people are wrapped up in family life and I'm finding it hard to meet people like me.  New Guy's parents just so happen to live here, and he spends lots of time with them.  They are angry, over-dramatic alcoholics so I rarely visit them.

 

I'm so sad and frustrated.  I have everything I've ever wanted, but something is still missing.  Why can't I be happy?  I'm starting to think that this was all a huge mistake.

 

Has anyone else felt this way when starting over?

[Guaruj]

Hi SailorGirl -

 

Congratulations on finding someone new and starting over. I'm sorry that you're feeling a little confused or even disappointed right now.

 

Are there any clubs or other organizations you can join to make some new friends? That worked me for after I spent most of my 30's being single and lonely. I actually had to try a couple of different clubs before I found something that really worked for me. I made some of the best friend's I've ever had that way.

 

It sounds like you need to make some friends who are primarily your friends instead of your husbands. At some point, maybe the two of you can also socialize with other couples.

 

I hope things get better for you soon.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Mizpah]

Hi SailorGirl,

Big big hugs.  I can relate to much of what you said, though our specifics are different.  I moved hundreds of miles, back to my hometown area from the City, about a year and a half ago.  I moved in with my widower BabyDaddy because I was pregnant.  And it's hard, and it's lonely, even having a kid, so I don't think that's what's making you feel out of place because I do too - it's at least not the only thing.  All of my friends are back in the City.  (Because I have a young kid/baby, I'm very socially isolated, because my life revolves around taking care of her.)  It's so hard to make friends in your 30s.  Everyone's lives are work-oriented and family-oriented and just simply already established.  I honestly think EVERYONE is lonely and craving community, but no one knows how to find it.  Anyway, I've been here for a year and a half, and I'm still homesick and waiting for it to feel normal and like I'm not out of place - don't get me wrong, it's way way way better than it was at the beginning and when I was 5 months in.  Do you have meetup there?  One of my friends goes to meetup groups/activities, and has made lots of friends that way.  But mainly I'm just here to say: I hear you.  Me too!  Too bad we live so far away - we could hang out! 

[Jen]

I hear you too. I only moved across town, but I still feel lost and lonely most days. All my friends live in the computer, I don't socialize in "real life," and my coworkers mostly fill that niche for me-- we work 12-hour shifts, so we actually spend more conscious/awake time with each other than we do with our families. But they're mostly married and have younger kids than mine-- you know, they're "normal." Like I used to be, sigh. : They've been nothing but kind and supportive, but their lives have all gone on, and though mine has as well... not in the same way, you know?

 

I'm babbling; it's late and I'm tired. I don't really have any good ideas for you, but I do understand lonely. I don't make friends easily, I have social anxiety issues, and when I do make an effort to interact with "real" people (not that you're not real, but you get what I mean?), I feel clumsy and stupid.

 

(((((HUGS))))))) It will get better. It has to, right? For all of us? Just hold on...

[SailorGirl]

Thanks everyone for the support and advice.  I went out for some drinks with co-workers Friday night since my New Guy had to work.  I had a good time!!  Maybe it will get better...slowly. 

[Captains wife]

Since my husband died 3 plus years ago, I have felt lonely a lot. We had just moved to a new small town when he died suddenly so I was completely on my own- my family is in Canada, my closest friends are spread out in the U.S. And Europe. My husband and I were such a team in certain ways, including co-parenting. Even as I am dating someone now, I have lonely periods - it's just not the same and the adjustment is hard. I feel like something is missing for me too. i don't think having feelings for someone new replaces the void we feel with our loss. You sound like you have been through a big life change and it is harder to make friends as we are getting older. But it will get easier and your new abode sounds lovely. For me, to get through this I have tried to focus on my life and what makes me and my son happy first so I can try and be happier in a relationship. I ended up joining a few social groups, arranging to go out here and there, I invite new friends over for a glass of wine on my porch, joined the local yacht club and sail with the local ladies, network via this site, try and meet new people who move to town  - it doesn't completely solve the loneliness issue but really helps. It takes work but I'm glad I've put the effort in to build my new friendships.

[Guest TooSoon]

I still get very lonely, in spite of time, a busy schedule, a happy (albeit long distance) relationship and a demanding career.  One of the things that has helped enormously is forcing myself to reach out.  Two families who also have 8 year old girls doggedly stuck by me and took care of us especially in the dark days.  When I didn't hear from them for stretches, I'd just default to, "Oh they're busy doing family stuff."  But once I started reaching out more, it became clear that people's lives are just filled with the mundane and with a certain complacency come the weekend especially.  The widowed brain can work itself into a frenzy of wondering what "everyone else" (ie. the non-widowed) is doing when in reality it seems that often, they're not up to much of anything interesting either. 

 

A beach house sounds lovely.  Wishing you the best.