There seems to have been a shift

[IfIonlycould]

I don't want to jinx the way it is all going, but there does seem to have been a shift in me.  I think I really am finally in BEYOND Active Grieving, yes, after seven years.  I had some pretty chunky emotional breakthroughs this year.

I have been getting back to me again.  I went camping a month ago...ALONE...and had an incredible time...met wonderful people...had a real adventure, the kind you write home about and people say, "no, that's right out of a movie"...my older "toy" vehicle seems to open those doors for me...gets people interested and talking and once again "she" had some minor difficulties that had me looking for help and finding it and launching the adventure.  I was myself again, the me I was before I even met DH, the me he fell for, the me I am most comfortable being...my authentic self. 

So I realized that has been what has been missing on the grief journey, my authentic self, I've had glimpses and touched based with her a few times but always somehow spun back away from her.  Since that trip doors have been opening, I have been running into people from the past that I have wanted back in my life, work is being thrown my way...and I realize it is because I am open to it all again...it has been an incredible shift and quite frankly one I had resigned myself to never happening.  I know this is rambling but I really wanted to share it somewhre IRL folks could never understand.

[Mizpah]

I have been getting back to me again.  I went camping a month ago...ALONE...and had an incredible time...met wonderful people...had a real adventure, the kind you write home about and people say, "no, that's right out of a movie"...

 

I love this!  It's awesome!  And partly I love it because it's just like what happened to me!  I traveled alone, and while I was having my solo adventure, I remembered me, and I came alive again.  One afternoon, I sat at a cafe on the beach (like feet in the sand on the beach) and instead of having lunch, I had champagne and ice cream for lunch, and I smiled, looking crazy, staring at the sea, feeling euphoric.  It's like once you resign yourself, suddenly it happens.  We are lucky, at least in that way.  Congratulations!  No jinxing - it's not a thing.  I'm happy for you.  Sending excited awkward silly high fives. 

[lcoxwell]

So I realized that has been what has been missing on the grief journey, my authentic self, I've had glimpses and touched based with her a few times but always somehow spun back away from her.

 

I read this part of your post and could completely, COMPLETELY relate to this! I have often felt this same way, since even before my Kenneth died. I've missed that part about me, and I am so very glad that I can see my "real" self, once again.

[Mancino]

I don't want to jinx the way it is all going, but there does seem to have been a shift in me.  I think I really am finally in BEYOND Active Grieving, yes, after seven years.  I had some pretty chunky emotional breakthroughs this year.

I have been getting back to me again.  I went camping a month ago...ALONE...and had an incredible time...

Yay!  Good for you, IfIOnlyCould!  I've been wanting to take an extended road trip and have been trying to get the nerve to do it by myself!

 

I, too, feel like I'm finally BAG.  As you know, I am working on downsizing and decluttering in the hopes of moving one of these days.  But I'm finally not getting bogged down by too many memories like I did earlier on.  I'm hitting a little bump in the road as the 6-year sadiversary is this Sunday, but as I remember him, I'm finding it easier to look back on the good times we had during the short time we had together rather than dwelling on losing him.  Of course I'm still sad that he's missed out on so much, but I've come to accept that this is my new life and I'm going to try and make the most out of the years that he was so unfairly cheated out of.

[BrokenHeart2]

Thank you for this post. It helps me to know I'm not crazy for still being so in love with him and that it will take time to "get over it" as so many has tried to tell me to do.