How important is sex??? What matters most in a relationship?

[THATgurl]

I maybe tired from studying for a big exam or I'm more of a prude than I thought I was, but did you say the "three people involved"?

 

I saw it.  And I am guffawing in my diet coke.  I think maybe that was the goal?  Not sure

[THATgurl]

So can I back up the bus a bit and be "that girl"?  I think my grandma would say that the spiritual connection and the commitment spiritually and emotionally greatly outweighs anything else.  I think gamma would possibly wash all of our mouths out with soap.  I am not saying this is a generational thing entirely, as I have friends who are similar in their thoughts.

 

 

I like sex LOL  I need to understand the terms, but "sex" is not the same to me as "spiritual and life partner"

 

 

[Sugarbell]

I changed my mind. I just need a hug.

 

Barney needs a hugs....And Portside is talking about threesomes... this thread is getting interesting! 8)

 

Seriously though...I like hot sex as much as anyone...it's important but certainly that alone wouldn't keep me.

 

When I look back on Ben...and it's been 8 years...the things still in my heart about him aren't at all related to sex (and it was good)...But all the other qualities is what I still hold dear to my soul.

 

 

[THATgurl]

 

 

Barney needs a hugs....And Portside is talking about threesomes... this thread is getting interesting! 8)

 

Seriously though...I like hot sex as much as anyone...

 

*snip*

 

 

I am just snort laughing and probably should crawl back in the hole I crawled out of (and even that sounds dirty lol). 

[Bear Tomás]

Seriously though...I like hot sex as much as anyone...it's important but certainly that alone wouldn't keep me.

 

true

 

What to do with the other 23 hours and 45 mins of the day? 

[THATgurl]

LOL you guys are really making me think.  Sex with him was, well, fantastic.  I pretty much never think of that.  I miss how his neck smelled.  I miss the way his eyes would light up when he saw me in the subway crowd after a days work.  I miss him rubbing my head. I think about those things without effort.

 

Sigh.

[lcoxwell]

I was actually going to respond to this thread, when it was originally posted, but wasn't feeling well, then was too busy to come back to it. I'm glad I came back to it tonight, though. Thanks for the laughs, guys!

 

Now, back to what I was originally going to respond....

 

For me, I cannot personally speak to how important I truly feel that sex is, or even to what matters most in a relationship. This is because I have changed so much over time, and the role that sex, intimacy, values, etc. has played in my relationships has also changed. To me, the importance of sex, shared interests, and everything else that goes into building a relationship depends on who I am in the relationship with.

 

For example, Kenneth and I were pretty much polar opposites. Though we were well-suited for one another in many ways, being with him could be HARD, sometimes. Before he met me, he was the playboy, who had slept with more women than he could easily count, without having to work to think about it. In all honesty, the man knew his way around a woman's body and truly rocked my world. Truthfully, though, his experience intimidated me. Knowing he had been with so many women, many far more experienced or far more attractive than I was, left me with a lack of confidence that took away from the pleasure and intimacy. He was also one who equated sexual intimacy and love, and pretty much felt that a lack of sex on a daily basis meant that there was a lack of love, as well. That, too, took away from the pleasure and intimacy for me, because sex became something that was expected, rather than it being an intimate bonding and freely given expression of all the love I had for him. Quite frankly, I was somewhat relieved, when the illness took away his ability to have sex, because it was then that he learned love was so much more. Our marriage grew and blossomed, and the intimacy was magnified immensely, once sex was taken off the table. Those last years, when we had to rely on other ways to draw closer, were the best years of our marriage.

 

New Guy, on the other hand, is my perfect match in pretty much everything, including sharing my Christian faith and the desire to save sexual intimacy for marriage. If one can judge by the amount of kissing and making out that we do, I strongly suspect that one day, sexual intimacy will take on a whole new level of importance for me. It truly amazes me that New Guy can take my breath away, leave chills running through me, and awaken every nerve ending with just a simple touch or kiss; and I am finding that I have more desire for him than I ever thought I could feel for anyone. I gotta be honest here, sometimes it is all I can do to keep my hands off of him.

 

What I do not know, and cannot wrap my head around, is whether the newly discovered desire for sex with New Guy is due to the fact that he and I share so many other aspects of our relationship in common, and that everything about being with him is just easy; whether it is due to the fact that Kenneth's death taught me how short and precious life is, and that I now appreciate and cherish every single expression of love to the nth degree; or whether it is due to the fact that I miss having my life partner, and that I want to share my whole life and every part of it with someone else. All I do know for certain is that New Guy and I have CHEMISTRY, and there is something about that man that truly does it for me, even without having a sexual relationship, at the moment.

[MrsT85]

Honestly, sex isn't all that important to me - something that caused issues in my marriage to Tim and is now causing similar issues in my relationship with NG.  I'm not sure if it's because of anxiety, depression, stress and exhaustion from work or maybe as a side effect of my Type 1 Diabetes (all of which were present when I was with Tim but have ratcheted up to new levels since losing him) but most of the time my libido is pretty much nonexistent. I was like that all through my 20s, and although I have a slight hope that it might get better now that I'm entering my 30s I'm not really holding my breath.  I'll start to feel like I'm going through withdraw if I don't get snuggled or held every day, but I can go weeks without sex before it starts to bother me.

 

What's most important to me are the other types of physical and emotional intimacy - snuggling, being held and holding him while I sleep, asking him about his day and feeling like he wants to know about mine.  I also really value (and miss) having an incredibly close friendship built upon shared interests and beliefs.  I knew without a doubt that if I was a guy, Tim I would have been best friends because we loved the same music, movies and books, were on the exact same page politically, and had a shared religious outlook (or total lack thereof).  We would talk all the time about how wonderful it was that we knew we'd never get bored of each other.  How we'd never fall into that classic "empty Nester" trap of not knowing what to do with ourselves once the little one we wanted left home.  How we'd always be happy to just have each others company.

 

I think back on our relationship and I don't miss the sex.  I miss cuddling with him as we watched Rachel Maddow each night.  I miss going to concerts and festivals with him every summer and our intense and passionate talks about music.  I miss talking about how incredibly cool it was to see the old clip of Arthur C Clarke and Robert Heinlein watching and commenting on the Apollo 11 moon landing that was played at the very first sci-fi convention we ever went to together. 

 

I would - in a second - give up my life with an able bodied person to have him back as a brain in a jar as long as his wonderful intellect as intact and he was content. 

[Trying]

...

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

I sure hope you young ladies find your sex drive with your chapter 2s. In your 30s you are way to young not to discover your libido.  At 54 yrs old trust me, my DH helped me discover at 32, yup he rocked my world this way too.

[Jess]

I think sex is as important as the two people in the relationship make it. There are great relationships with little sex or no sex and there are great relationships with a lot of sex. I think it becomes more or less important when one or both partners are dissatisfied.

 

For me, yes, honesty, humor, snuggling, good conversation, etc. are important, but sex is a way of physically expressing that connection with the one person that gets to experience that side of me. Plus, it is damn fun! So I think there is no overarching answer. It all depends on the couple.