thejourney Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I am finding sex is a lot more important in a Ch 2 relationship than it was in Ch 1 ... I can come up with all kinds of psychological theories about that but I will hold off for now. But how important is sex for you? What matters looking forward? how would you rank different priorities in a new relationship? what are you looking for in a long term relationship? where does 'friendship; sit? what about support - supporting you in your work? in your hobbies/extracurricular/volunteer? family focus? money? Do they need to have money or income? what about baggage - how much do you weigh negative baggage ? do you want someone with the same interests - easy, right. But what about different interests pushing us outside our comfort zone and helping us to see the broader world. and so on .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 It's important....but not the most important thing to me. It wasn't when I was with DH nor is it now. But I do have an amazing sex life. But if that's all I had...No way. Sometimes I think amazing sex can totally cloud our judgment in other areas. Too many other things are essential (in my opinion) for a relationship to last long term. Looks fade...sex drive can fade. The other qualities hopefully last forever. Also....in the past (not now)....When men (in your case woman) lacked other life qualities I wanted in life--they seemed to pride themselves on being amazing in bed. Not sure if it was to compensate or what?.?....Not saying that's the case here....But Sex is a powerful tool and at times manipulator. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I feel like I'm holding the baggage now. Sex isn't the most important. But it is important. Truthfulness. Thats huge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Sex and intimacy on many levels was missing for the second half of my marriage to DH which is part of why it is so important to me now wig new guy. The emotional intimacy first, we share everything with each other, and not just the flattering things. and I haven't enjoyed kissing so much since I was 15! None of that would be enough if we didn't have shared values and outlooks on life, common interests, if he didn't make me laugh or challange me. But I find every way I express myself to be heightened, I cry harder, I laugh harder, my anger is more heated, and my need to connect physically is more intense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheelerswife Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 My second marriage had incredible intimacy on many levels. Sex was a part of that intimacy, but the emotional intimacy was by far more critical to our well-being, and it connected to our sensuality and sexuality. My second husband and I (we were both widowed) were very different in personality, but complimentary in many ways. We pretty much had it all...a honeymoon that we thought would last throughout the length of our relationship...and it did...all 3 years, 9 months and 23 days...until he died unexpectedly. We both had our own versions of baggage, but we embraced each other, accepted who we were, protected each other from harm and vowed never to intentionally cause hurt. We didn't find this hard to do despite our very different ways of seeing the world. Communication was they key, I think...we sat and talked 2-3 hours every day and never tired of each other. Maureen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairlanegirl Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Sex is not everything but it is important to me. It always was, and my husband and I had a great sex life but in Ch 2 I'm finding I think more about it, want to try different things etc. Part of this is I suppose wanting to make the most of being alive, what Trying said about the need to connect physically being more intense - and part is also just age I guess - middle-aged horniness! I'll be 50 next year and maybe subconsciously I'm thinking 'I want to have as much as I can!' and explore a bit more with the time I have (I don't mean stopping at 50!), albeit with the same person. Shared interests - not so much. Love and caring for each other, emotional intimacy yes. But it is a long time since I was in a relationship where sex was a problem or had to take a back seat, so I can't really say what it would be like to be forced to downgrade it. Have to say Sugarbell I laughed at the idea of someone 'priding themselves on being amazing in bed'. A legend in their own mind! You'd have to be a bit of a plonker, really. A fun one, mind you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Lol....yeah toxic ex prided himself in being an amazing lover...But he was an alcoholic freeloader...near the end I felt like I was with a male prostitute. The other stuff that's needed in a relationship...I think really that's an individual thing. I didn't want someone with lots of emotional baggage-I mean everyone has shit and issues that have happened in their lives...believe me I have plenty...But I had worked thru the raw messy stuff BEFORE entering new relationship....I wanted to be with someone who had done the same (NG told me the first 2 years after his divorce he was a player/asshole glad I didn't know him then) Income is important to me....they don't have to be rich...but self sufficient and don't want to financially take care of another person. Shared interests/values-Important....but I don't care if they are different somewhat and we learn from each other. And positive. I couldn't ever be involved with a negative person in a relationship again. They are energy suckers. But really all these things are individualistic. What one person needs more another doesn't. Doesn't matter as long as the two people in the relationship are on the same page. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mizpah Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 I think it depends on your relationship history and your personality/values. To me, it's very important. I think chemistry and intimacy can create compatibility where there otherwise isn't as much. Just on a biological level, chemically, you produce oxytocin during physical intimacy, just like a mom with her baby. It's the bonding/love hormone. Sex is very powerful. My mom calls it the glue that holds two people together. That being said, it can certainly cloud things, and create attachment where there shouldn't be attachment, based on smarter concerns. Also, sex is fun and feels good, and each of us is as young as we are ever going to be right now, and to have a relationship with an unsatisfying sex life, whether it be quantity or quality, I just feel is a waste of a body, and so much of what we are is physical. Just my two cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 It's important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Sex is very important, but not the be-all/end-all. What I need most is an ability to talk about a wide range of things; good cuddling and other forms of touch; the warmth of friendship and support; and a world view that is compatible with mine. I don't know that I care about income, but attitude towards it should fit mine in the "world view" area above. I expect some shared interests, but it also seems important to have some stuff we each enjoy separately. Character is vastly more important than overlapping interests. We all have baggage; I would prefer a set that fits into most overhead compartments :-) Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Did you mean sex regarding a relationship? Or sex in general ? : / Oh sorry never mind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pammy Posted September 10, 2015 Share Posted September 10, 2015 Your original question, I think if you ask 20 different women - or maybe men for that matter - You are going to get 20 different answers. Plain and simply it depends on the relationship, the history (or lack of), the life stresses at play, and unfortunately, age. Thirty years ago, sex was a substantial part of my life and relationship. 20 years ago, sex played a central part, but not as important as it once was. 10 years ago, it was a part of my relationship. Now? Well now it is of little importance. Having said that, there are things that women go through that lead to this, menopause not being the least of them. Men might go through something similar, I believe the jury is still out on this. Sex has fallen to the low priority list for me. I find at my age now, a true, deep, respectful, communicative, and happy relationship, the companionship that comes with knowing someone so well, and a truly committed relationship are much more important then sex. Sex is just physical after all. You can make it what you want in your mind, but when all is said in done, amazing sex and going at it like rabbits will never hold a relationship together. The love I look for (and have found) transcends the physical. As to the other questions. Wow, I don't know. I just get to know someone for who they are and if it feels there is potential and a connection, the other things just fall into place.... or they don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mawidow Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I did not feel attracted to my beloved DH, but I loved him with all my heart. Widowhood was like Viagra for me - and maybe it's also that time of life: Mother Nature wants me to push out a baby while the window is closing, perhaps? Anyway, my drive has changed. I enjoy it and think about it more than a teenage boy. But only in the context of an emotionally safe and loving relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Sex and passion are very important to me. I could not be with someone long term who did not rock my world. I had that with Laurie and I would want that with a chapter two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imissdow Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 I have a lot of other things that are more important then sex. However I can't see myself in a LTR without it. Character, values, world view are topping the list. Money, well he needs to be able to contribute and live within his means but I could care less if he is well off. I met a guy who I liked we were hitting it off pretty well, we weren't however a couple at this point, until he started questioning where I was shopping. He thought I could save more money elsewhere. My reply to him was as long as I can pay my bills every month why did it matter. I'm not sure if I ever talked to him again after that. Right now I find myself with a guy friend. There is nothing physical, and I mean literally nothing. I don't even get a hug. However we laugh talk and generally really enjoy each others company. He works way to much so I don't get much time with him. At this point that seems to be filling some sort of need for me however I have no expections that it will be what I really want long term. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twistedmensa Posted September 12, 2015 Share Posted September 12, 2015 Values and sense of humor are my two number ones. Sex is important I suppose, but I have denied that aspect of life for so long that it terrifies me to consider it. Should the right man come along and reawaken my now slumbering sex drive, I'm liable to break him in half. Nine years is a long time to go without. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
singinmomo4 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I need my sex drive to go to sleep for a while. I'd really like to just not have it at the moment. That said, sex is important but not the most important. I want someone to build a life with, who I can trust and depend on and who trusts and depends on me. A partner in every sense of the word. My sex life with my husband wasn't always the best, I would have liked more, and I've had amazing sex since being widowed but I need more than that. I want the partnership aspect I had before. I'm just not sure if that's in my future but I can't imagine a relationship without it. Love is so much more than sex, passion. More than anything else, I miss having an amazing life partner and the stability that gives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 He rocked my world, what can I say! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 Sex in an important part of a relationship, but it is just a part. I have a few friends in sexless marriages and they're all unhappy. It's not just the lack of sex, but intimacy too. That's important! (I miss that.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 In my marriage when we weren't intimate the sex waned but when we got the intimacy back ( like all marriages ebb and flow) it was awesome! I miss everything about him and our marriage. Even the hard times becuase that's what brought us together even more. We got through it together. Sex is important but so are so many other aspects of marriage that intertwine living in a marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmg19 Posted September 20, 2015 Share Posted September 20, 2015 Sex is just one of the pieces in a committed relationship. In my marriage it was not the frequency, duration, or sex toys but the intimacy and making love which involved a lot more than a physical romp in the hay. For me sex doesn't lead to happiness in a relationship but trust, honesty, shared values, and love sure can lead to sex and happiness. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bear Tomás Posted September 21, 2015 Share Posted September 21, 2015 I changed my mind. I just need a hug. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
THATgurl Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I spit soda. Nuff said. I think that I JUST DON'T KNOW. When my life was a bit in the dumpster, I made some choices that brought my life deeper into the dumpster. I do not regret that at all, but I would not make the same choices a second time. Sex with him? DANG yeah! That was not a priority then and is not one now. I am kind of an overall giving person (in my odd little way). People who are in my life day to day get this. Moving forward, I want to make sure there is not a drain on any one person. I know that health can change that faster than you can say "What the F..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portside Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 Sex is important but if the three people involved can come to an agreement about where it lay within the overall relationship, all should be well. Mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted September 22, 2015 Share Posted September 22, 2015 I maybe tired from studying for a big exam or I'm more of a prude than I thought I was, but did you say the "three people involved"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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