Has anyone helped out another widow(er) first hand?

[HoldingOn]

My husband had been gone less than 2 years plus- when my sister passed last month.

I was just starting to feel better- become who I am going to be without him. Then my sister died suddenly.

Love my BIL with all my heart- and supported him during the funeral and visit him and  text with him often along with other family members.

 

But it's like re-visiting everything all over again. I am glad I can help my BIL- and he has thanked me many times and said I bring him comfort- but it's starting to rip my scabs off- just when they were starting to heal.

I've suggested for him to find a grief group...he's told me...well...right now you are my grief group...so I want to be there..but honestly and I know this is horrible..I just don't want to hear it anymore. I am back to crying on my way to work everyday...I feel like I am taking HUGE steps back- but then again it's nice to talk to someone about some unresolved things and also treat him like I would have wanted to be treated when I was going thru it all.

 

Anyone have to support a loved one like this? I need encouragement, etc...Thanks.......

[Mac]

So sorry about your sister's passing while you were already dealing with the loss of your husband. I have supported relatives who have experienced loss, encouraging them to share with me. Number one = you need to take care of yourself. So do what you can do, but don't feel obligated. Maybe steering your BIL towards one of the online communities can help.

 

I'm in a pretty good place now. It has been over 3 years. Still trying to figure out this "new life." At this point of my "journey" some of the most satisfying times are when I am "paying it forward" spending one-on-one time with those who have experienced recent loss.

 

(((HoldingOn)))

[Gabzmom]

I don't know that I have any words of wisdom.  I participated in a parent group while our children processed their grief in their own groups.  Often I found myself reeling from the stories and grieving with others. 

 

I wish you the best and I am sure your BIL appreciates your support.  Remember to be kind to yourself.  You are still in your own grief journey.  Hugs - I am sorry for your loss.

[sojourner]

I think your feelings make complete sense- it can't help but be triggering for your grief for your DH, and be overwhelming at times even though you want to be supportive of your BIL.

 

I'm at 16 mo's since losing DH to cancer, & my sister was recently diagnosed with a different but generally terminal cancer. It's sent me reeling. I'm here for my sister and BIL, but it's very emotionally challenging even with her still here. I feel so much for them both, but also it's having me reliving walking down that path.

 

My condolances for the loss of your sister, especially so soon after the loss of your DH.

 

Sojourner

[iloveyoualways]

Holding on, sorry to hear about your sister.  It's difficult to experience loss after loss. I belief it slows down the healing process. I have tried to support a widowed father with young children whose spouse died in a simular circumstance to mine. It was so raw and difficult for me. This person was not with my husband that horrible day but he saw him after his death. He also saw his wife after her death. Listening to what he saw intensified my ptsd. The pain that it brought to me was too intense to repeat anytime soon. But maybe seeing me gave him some hope to continue living and being a father to the children that need him. I do not know how to give you advice but wanted to write my story so you could read another person's experience. Do what you need to do for yourself.

[Needytoo]

I am a true believer of support and maybe I am is because the kids and I didn't have it really.  I hate to go down "memory" land but the day my husband passed I had two old work colleagues show up at my door.  I was totally out of it and they helped clean the house for the expectant visitors.  No one else came to the house. Fourteen months later one of those ladies lost her husband in a work related accident.  I have been supporting her and we have become very good friends.  Her best friend disappeared on her as well.  Then six month later my sister in law passed and I gave support to my husband's brother. 

 

Hell yes it opens old wounds but I remember the hatred the horrible hatred that I felt when no one in the world gave a flying poop about the kids and i  and I don't want people to feel that way.  Giving support to a widow/widower isn't easy that is for sure. Guess my advice is to make sure you do stuff just for yourself to keep things balanced. 

[Virgo]

My mom passed 3 months before my husband.  Talking to my dad is difficult no doubt.  Our relationship has definitely changed. What  helps me is having my own support system. It's my way of coping while helping him too.