Is it really worth looking at pictures?

[thejourney]

The past is the past, right?

I was cleaning out some files and found some old pictures. I stopped to look through them.  I am really starting to think it is a bad idea to look at old pictures - its just a downer.  Looking at pics of DW and my son, it just reminds me of what he has lost. I can deal with my own grief, but dealing with his is not easy. I have pretty much ignored the past for 3 years - move forward, don't look back. It is what it is, let's do the best we can.  And that has worked to get us through, but .... am I missing something?  Should I be doing more to help my kids remember Mom? We talk about her sometimes, but they don't really want to reminisce and I am not sure if I should push the point - I figure the likely outcome will be to make them sad and miss their Mom when today they seem to have moved beyond grieving.

[MissinGrizz]

There's no right or wrong. My kids were 8 and 10 and are now just shy of 14 and 16. My younger child, a girl, clings to her fleeting memories and every photo and story she can snatch up in an almost unhealthy manner. My older child, a boy, doesn't like to talk much about his dad at all. He has one picture out, and lately has finally started bringing him up here and there.

 

For the first year or two, all bedtime stories were of either him as a child, me as a child, or a memory including us both or all as a family. The kids got to pick each night. This kept his memory alive. I also made them each a special book, a storybook which includes pictures as well as information/memories that I made using Shutterfly.  Now, it's up to them.

 

You have to decide what's right for you and your kids and your emotional health.

[Justin]

That is a tough one. At 14 months out, my daughter doesn't get pictures out and view them as much as she did in the earlier days. There is one framed picture of DW in her bedroom, one of them together in the living room, and one in my bedroom. I was looking through some digital photos the other night, and felt fine. I awoke in the early morning extremely angry and sad, and had a mini-meltdown.

 

As MissinGrizz wrote, you have to decide what's right for you and your kids. As of late, talking about Mom makes my daughter sad so we don't as often as we used to. She was two weeks shy of 16 when DW died, so her memories are many. Frankly it makes me sad, too.

[Guest TooSoon]

This is interesting as I asked my significant other about something similar just the other day.  We still have pictures up in the house where they've always been; my daughter is 8 and loves showing other people her baby books and telling them stories about her Dad but she has forgotten A LOT.  It really hit me the other day when I realized that when she turns 9 in January she will have known her father either desperately ill or dead for longer than she knew him alive and well. 

 

I had the chance to spend a day with my SO's 17 year old daughter this summer. Her Mom died when she was 8 (my daughter was 6) and I asked her what she remembered.  She told me a story about how she was sent home sick from school and she and her Mom made a cake together.  I'm sure she remembers other things but I was so touched by that - that she remembered an intimate moment, the two of them stealthily making a cake even though she was supposed to be too sick to be in school.  It felt like reassurance that good memories and good stories will stick.

 

It is sad that they will forget things - WE will forget things, too.  I know I already have.  But the pictures help preserve the memories; they can be the anchor for the children to "remember" significant things (when in fact they only "remember" the event or the story through the picture).  In truth, I'm not sure how much I remember from before around age 8. 

 

I'm avoiding work I should be doing so indulge me:  I grew up with a photo album in the family room from my parents' honeymoon in Europe in 1971.  I loved that photo album and still do.  The clothes, the places, the food (proto-hipsters, evidently, my parents took pictures of their food) - I could not get enough of that album and the stories they told me about their travels.  Without doubt, it played an enormous role in the course my life ultimately took.  Photographs  - and more importantly - the narrative woven around them - can be very potent and durable.  In some ways, with little children, we have the chance to narrate our spouses for them through pictures, highlighting those things that are most enduringly beautiful about them.  An art historian by profession, please forgive the tangent.

 

For what it is worth, we just bring up her Dad in casual conversation.  I'll often say, "You know who would have loved this?"  And the answer is always "Daddy."  Or, if I'm buying pretzels, I will say, "Geez, no one loved pretzels like your Dad."  It makes me feel better, at least. 

 

Wishing you and your kids only the best. 

[Sugarbell]

I love pics...We have at least 10 Albums on a shelf in the family room. DH is probably only in about 10 percent of them (and they are in no particular order) It's been 8 years....we talk about him in casual conversation as well...That's it.

 

My daughter has a collage in her room framed with about 12 pics...he is in 2. The boys have none (but that aren't into pics like we are) but did have a huge collage of him from the funeral the first year after he died.

 

My daughter for some bizarre reason wants a small 3x5 wedding photo in a cheesey Crystal frame in my bathroom off my bedroom. lol...it's kinda covered some with plants in the window. Every time I would move it to her room she would move it back. So it's there....NG thinks it's cute...She doesn't remember her Dad at all (really only 1 of 3 kids do and it's vague).. so pictures don't bother me at all...NG lost his Dad when he was 7.. So he gets it too.

[SimiRed]

I am so thankful for all the pictures I have.  My 14 yr old son love's to look at the pictures. It has been six years, he was almost 9 when DH passed. 

 

I agree that we can sometimes grieve the loss through our children's eyes.  I grieve the loss of a Father my son will never truly know, that hurts just as much as the loss of a wonderful husband. 

 

Pictures make my cry, but I am so very thankful that I have as many as I do.  They are special to me and my son.

 

Your kids will remember Mom, trust me.

[klim]

My sons were 15 and 17 when their dad died, they have not seems interested in looking at pictures.

I gave them both a copy of the one I use in my tag line . Although they put it in their rooms to begin with, i don't know that they even have them dispayed any more.

We have fmily pictures down one of the hallways so they do see them.

We talk casually about their dad but the idea of making a special time for conversation or doing something to honour their dad has been vetoed ....not what they want to do. I'm okay with that i like casual.

[Guest Lost35]

We have photos around the house.  For the Kindergarten, "Family Photo" assignment, I made a picture with stick figure bodies and our photos for heads;  P., Myself, our son, the two dogs and the cat. (There is no photo of all of us.)  I made an extra copy and taped it to the fridge.  It carries the title, "H.'s Family".  He never looks at it or comments on it or asks about it.  Last year, I was cleaning the fridge and casually mentioned removing it.  He was very concerned at the idea and was adamant it stayed.  So it did.  I think, for him, the stories and the photos mean a great deal, in the back-ground somewhere in his consciousness...much the same as living parents do for a child. 

 

Do what you feel is best and listen to your children.  They will let you know what they need.

 

-L.

[krisnbb]

My partner,  Greg, was a widower. His daughter, Megan, was 9 when her mom died. Greg died when Megan was 14 and I've raised her as my own.

 

We'd talk about Greg. As time went by, it was good memories we revisited and laughed over. When she was 16 she candidly told me that she was glad we talked about her daddy. She added she and her daddy almost never spoke about her mother and she regretted how much she couldn't remember.  Sharing the good memories helps us both remember how much fun we had with the big guy.

 

Maybe the pictures bring you down, but sharing memories and stories will help your kids.