MissinGrizz

While my family wasn’t thrilled, we had a justice of the peace come to our backyard. Our kids were there (all teens)...no one else. It was perfect.

I went into my marriage saying, kids first, always. Two years later, I realized that this doesn't send a good message and alter it as best as I can. We have three teens (me two, him one, all with us full-time). My kids are very active with year-round sports, while his is a homebody, so I do neglect my husband by making getting them to their sporting events a priority. If that's what you mean by come first, then tough. They are kids, and they are only kids for so long. If he wants to be with me, he should come along. He sometimes chooses to, sometimes doesn't. That may sound harsh, but I'm not telling them they can't participate in sports because I need to babysit an adult. Honestly, I felt it to be a bit whiny when he complained about how much time I spent dropping and picking them up at first, especially since I made it clear even when we were dating. Of course, as he grew to love our family, he now encourages their sports, attends, etc., and so it's not a big deal. It was just hard at first. My oldest recently got a car, which has helped a ton. Sometimes he can pick the other up, and I've learned I don't have to go to EVERY game. I also have learned to say no to extra things sometimes. My daughter doesn't need to go to a dance every Friday after track. I let her pick and choose or get someone to drive one week and I do another. One thing I do, however, is make sure my spouse comes first in other ways. First of all, I make sure the kids know that time alone with my spouse as well as blended time is important. Before making any plans besides sports (which I have no control over the schedule), I always check with him first, making sure we have no other plans or desire for plans. We go on at least one date per week, even if it is getting a quick drink between events for an hour alone, and we always text each other, kiss each other goodbye or wake each other up, etc. when we aren't together. Also, we do our best to never take sides against the other with our kids if we can. We both have failed at that here and there, but we know we are wrong when we do and do our best to have solidarity or discuss such things privately. In a few years, it'll be just the two of us. It's important to realize that while we don't want to short-change our kids, we don't want self-entitled kids. We also don't want to be alone when they are gone. There has to be a happy medium. Since I'm the one with the busy kids, I also make up for it in other ways to make my spouse feel appreciated. I think he's the only husband on the block with his own massage table, which I use to help him relax at least once per week, often more. Both of us are sure to get each other small little trinkets (a flower, a treat, nothing commercial) to show our love, and we do so in front of the kids a lot so that they see that nurturing a relationship is important. It's all about balance, I think. Good luck. The first year was hard, but it's been uphill since with just a few slips here and there.

I rarely come here but did for my sixth sadversary....so glad I saw this. Congrats!

You just said he is. 9 year old with ADHD that is more like seven. Could that be part of it? Maybe mom felt he was a bit much to handle? My son and stepson are teens in the same grade, and I made it clear from the beginning that they weren't a package deal. That can lead to resentment between them. Of course, yours are young and this situAtion is a bit odd. I only started the idea that one or two could stay after a larger party after age 12.

Only you know what's right for you.

It was easier to just do for them after DH died. They had a difficult adjustment when I changed things, and I did that much later than you did, in the pre-teen years (and I'm a teacher and should know better!). My kids are now great, both teens, so don't kick yourself; just move on in the right direction. Kudos for noting it and deciding it should change.

There's no right or wrong. My kids were 8 and 10 and are now just shy of 14 and 16. My younger child, a girl, clings to her fleeting memories and every photo and story she can snatch up in an almost unhealthy manner. My older child, a boy, doesn't like to talk much about his dad at all. He has one picture out, and lately has finally started bringing him up here and there. For the first year or two, all bedtime stories were of either him as a child, me as a child, or a memory including us both or all as a family. The kids got to pick each night. This kept his memory alive. I also made them each a special book, a storybook which includes pictures as well as information/memories that I made using Shutterfly. Now, it's up to them. You have to decide what's right for you and your kids and your emotional health.

How about fulfilling that need by fostering dogs? Our local humane society has kind dog-lovers foster and help train dogs such as dobermans and pittbulls to help them get adopted by families. If you really need a fur baby of your own, I'd highly suggest getting one that won't increase home insurance, chances of someone not wanting to date you due to fear for their kids, chances of people not wanting to help watch the dog, etc. I know that dogs can be wonderful, even those with higher incident rates; however, why make it harder on yourself right now? Or, maybe you could adopt an older dog who only has a couple of years left to live .It's so hard for elderly dogs to find homes. That's a shorter term commitment for you in a much-needed role.

1. Do not buy coffee outside of the home. That adds up to hundreds. 2. Cut cable and just go to the sites online. For example, ABC has all of its shows a few days after it airs. 3. Ebates.com and other such sites have great discounts and money back opportunities. 4. Do not buy anything you don't have the cash for. 5. Carpool 6. Pack lunches 7. Use a budget app 8. Shop thrift 9. Check out free cycle and free swap sites. You'd be surprised what you can get for free. 10. Every time you have extra money, put it on that home equity line to get it paid off ASAP. Good luck.

I swore I wouldn't remarry until my kids were grown for this reason, although I didn't have to move to a different state. I can't imagine doing that. I did, however, end up agreeing to sell the home they grew up in to start fresh in a new home, so my new husband and his son wouldn't always feel like guests. (I was 4.5 years out when all of this happened). He sold his home too, and we combined. I did state that under no circumstances would I change my kids' school districts, so we bought in our more expensive town. It turned out well, though, as at the time his son went in our district due to his mom's address, and now that she's moved, he'd have had to change schools. All kids keep stability this way. The first year was a hard blend, but we're finally getting there. We made sure all the kids were involved in choices and have their own personal spaces in our new home. Here's my big question: How long had you been reconnected when you married? If you live states apart, are you truly, 100% sure this is best for you and the kids? Moving them seems to be the only option, as he has an ex- that he needs to stay near because of his kids. But, moving yours is going to cause a lot of anger and a difficult blend. You can do it, but you both will need to be strong and loving and attentive to your kids. He'll need to understand if/when you do move that he won't be a priority, they will, as you help them adjust to a new life. I am not a fan of people who say kids need to adjust to us and the hell with it. I am also not a fan of rolling over and dying and showing the kids what we want doesn't matter. Balance is the key. I don't know if I've been any help at all. I do have this to say: my late husband's family moved across the country at the start of his senior year. They left him behind to finish school. He got into lots of trouble during that year. You need to let your son finish his senior year, unless by "next spring" you mean spring of 2017. Kids need at least two years to connect with their peers, so they can truly enjoy graduation. That's my opinion as a high school teacher of 24 years. Best wishes.

Yes. I had very similar dreams when I moved on. First, I had a great dream, more like a visitation, in which DH said, "It's about time" when I started to date (2.5 years out). But, after I got deep into the relationship and got married, I had what you describe. He would come back, and I would pick my new husband, which at first I thought was guilt but then thought maybe it's a good thing, like saying be happy with your chapter two, it's okay. Maybe try to interpret it a different way to let go of the guilt. And, not that there's ever a choice, but I would choose neither, as I could never make that choice. I'd just be alone.

Beautiful!

My chapter two was calling us "family" long before I felt that. I was also with DH for over two decades, so it was foreign for a long time. He was a perfect pusher . . . not too much . . . gave me time and space . . . but enough that I didn't run away and hide under a rock. I didn't start seeing him until after two years out, which helped. Still, we've been together just shy of three years, married one, and it only started not to feel "foreign" a few months ago. I'm finally fully there. This feels like my life. I still love and miss my Grizz, but my current life feels like the right fit that I get and feel part of. Give yourself time.

Perhaps explain that there is a section for those in new relationships that is helpful and also that you feel you owe it to newbies to offer occasional advice. If you have an open conversation about it, and he still won't budge, that would bother me much more than his being uncomfortable with it does. That's understandable. While I find myself visiting this site privately, that's my hangup, and my new husband wouldn't mind. In fact, two widow friends I met on YWBB come to our new home and were even at our reception (we got married privately but had a post party a couple of weeks after). Of course it's perfectly natural for the new people in our lives to feel a bit jealous or insecure. It must be hard to be with someone who still loves another. I'm very careful to be sure to not compare and to make clear that there are things that I have enough love for them both, and that one isn't better than the other, just different. If you do that, then there is no reason he should feel you must leave this site. Maybe you can come to a compromise of some sort. I hope it goes well.

Perhaps make her earn electronics ( phone, computer, etc). Keep them until all work is done and if she over sleeps she also loses them . If she says she needs them for school, use is only at kitchen table. She'll hate you, but junior year is an important one.

Journey There are a few. Do not go to Steptalk as they are so negative! Just mommies has an okay one, but I find a lot of examples of awful step moms...selfish. If you just focus on parts you like, it works.

No but my daughter does that to my new husband. I feel it's a girl thing.

Wonderful! Congrats.

We blended three teens last year. At the time yet were 12, 13, and 14. The 12 my daughter and 14 my son. My stepson is in the middle but the same grade as my son; both started two months after blending as freshmen at my school. My stepson's mom is blending on the other end in two weeks, which several months ago changed my stepson from being with us half time to full time, another adjustment. His parents have been divorced over a decade. It just oddly played out this way for the poor chap. We sold both of our homes and purchased a large home with space for all. While I didn't want to upsize in my 40's, it was important to us that the kids had space as well as a feeling of ownership of all, as opposed to us moving onto one another's territory. It was rough going at first, but realize that at this stage we can't expect them to immediately bond. We have almost dally family meals, which helps, and practiced this weekly for six months before blending, each hosting meals for the other. I don't think the kids all love each other, but we are getting there. The regular competition and fighting have subsided, and my husband and I agree to discipline our own kids unless it's something simple like chores. Neither of us expected to financially merge, but we did. It just made sense and we are both very honorable people that are also decently equL financially. I do keep the social security and life insurance money separate, which he prefers anyway. Feel free to pm me if you are blending teens and want to chat.

I agree with going with the person with the slowest timeline. She sounds like a good person, but do you love her deeply enough to marry her and make her your kids' stepmom? Tread slowly and carefully.

I just got back from a 10-day road trip with my kids....five hotels ....NY City....Three different Virginia stops, and Philadelphia. We've done a few road trips. We fill them with a variety of activities that kids have some choice in: historic sites, beach, museums, amusement parks, hokey stops, etc. We love them. My 13-year-old wanted to go cross country. Of corse, we have different experiences with our own family than someone else's, and the size of the vehicle matters. But, as others indicate, my daughter seems to enjoy it more than my son, although he was happy to go, he loves home. All kids are different.

(Long babble, sorry) Today is my first wedding anniversary for my chapter two. A year ago, despite my swearing I'd never remarry and unsure I'd even recouple, we married under a maple tree in our new blended home after both selling the homes we said we never would. It has been an interesting journey, not at all as I'd expected. I still recall the first year, still clinging to my ring and 21-year history with my Grizz, raising our 8 and 10-year-olds alone. Then, year two, I firmly decided that while I was removing the ring, sick of strangers asking where my husband was, and became mother-of-the-year, putting the kids at the forefront of everything: traveling with them, having friends sleep over every weekend, never saying no (even when I should have). In year three, when my now husband first asked me out, I panicked, unready, and ran: six months later when he tried again I conceded, deciding to keep it separate from my "mom" life and just something light and fun for me. Then, year four, realizing we made more sense all together and that life must move forward, and now, 5.5 years past losing what I thought was my forever, building a new forever. I wasn't going to join this board after YWBB ended, but a stumble here and there made me come back. Honestly, I don't feel I have much to offer or gain anymore, and I plan to pull more away. In two days I leave on an adventure with my kids, taking them on a road trip to NY, VA, and PA, one last "just us" adventure before my oldest gets a job and a car and no longer wants to do this. Blending hasn't been as natural as I'd like. I can feel the dynamics are different between me and my kids and DH and his son when we are all together. It's nice to also have some separate time, and as we didn't wed until our kids were teens, I think it's reasonable to expect that while we enjoy family meals each evening and do things together as well (even did Disney all staying in one room -- boy was that silly of us!), there will always be a bit of an "us" versus "them" feeling that leaves me unsettled. Maybe one day that'll go away; it certainly has gotten better and less awkward. Whether you're reading this section because you have indeed recoupled, or you're looking for future hope, I can offer no real advice but to say that no matter what you think or feel your future will be, you're never truly sure. Sometimes, life kicks our asses; other times, it gives us unexpected gifts. Mine happened to knock on my door three years ago to pick up his son from a sleepover.

Best wishes.

I am very open with my teens. I think it lessens anxiety when they know that they can trust me to be forthright with them at all times. Also, having your teens know can also be helpful if something bad happened. If you were brought to the ER, for example, and they were asked if you were on any medicines, they could answer. I know it can be scary for them, but if you word it correctly, they'll likely not only be more understanding, but they'll know they can trust you to tell the truth.

I used a program called Wllmaker by NOLO. It has all you need.