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MissinGrizz

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  • Date Widowed
    January 18, 2010
  • Cause of death
    snow-related car accident

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  1. While my family wasn’t thrilled, we had a justice of the peace come to our backyard. Our kids were there (all teens)...no one else. It was perfect.
  2. I went into my marriage saying, kids first, always. Two years later, I realized that this doesn't send a good message and alter it as best as I can. We have three teens (me two, him one, all with us full-time). My kids are very active with year-round sports, while his is a homebody, so I do neglect my husband by making getting them to their sporting events a priority. If that's what you mean by come first, then tough. They are kids, and they are only kids for so long. If he wants to be with me, he should come along. He sometimes chooses to, sometimes doesn't. That may sound harsh, but I'm not telling them they can't participate in sports because I need to babysit an adult. Honestly, I felt it to be a bit whiny when he complained about how much time I spent dropping and picking them up at first, especially since I made it clear even when we were dating. Of course, as he grew to love our family, he now encourages their sports, attends, etc., and so it's not a big deal. It was just hard at first. My oldest recently got a car, which has helped a ton. Sometimes he can pick the other up, and I've learned I don't have to go to EVERY game. I also have learned to say no to extra things sometimes. My daughter doesn't need to go to a dance every Friday after track. I let her pick and choose or get someone to drive one week and I do another. One thing I do, however, is make sure my spouse comes first in other ways. First of all, I make sure the kids know that time alone with my spouse as well as blended time is important. Before making any plans besides sports (which I have no control over the schedule), I always check with him first, making sure we have no other plans or desire for plans. We go on at least one date per week, even if it is getting a quick drink between events for an hour alone, and we always text each other, kiss each other goodbye or wake each other up, etc. when we aren't together. Also, we do our best to never take sides against the other with our kids if we can. We both have failed at that here and there, but we know we are wrong when we do and do our best to have solidarity or discuss such things privately. In a few years, it'll be just the two of us. It's important to realize that while we don't want to short-change our kids, we don't want self-entitled kids. We also don't want to be alone when they are gone. There has to be a happy medium. Since I'm the one with the busy kids, I also make up for it in other ways to make my spouse feel appreciated. I think he's the only husband on the block with his own massage table, which I use to help him relax at least once per week, often more. Both of us are sure to get each other small little trinkets (a flower, a treat, nothing commercial) to show our love, and we do so in front of the kids a lot so that they see that nurturing a relationship is important. It's all about balance, I think. Good luck. The first year was hard, but it's been uphill since with just a few slips here and there.
  3. I rarely come here but did for my sixth sadversary....so glad I saw this. Congrats!
  4. You just said he is. 9 year old with ADHD that is more like seven. Could that be part of it? Maybe mom felt he was a bit much to handle? My son and stepson are teens in the same grade, and I made it clear from the beginning that they weren't a package deal. That can lead to resentment between them. Of course, yours are young and this situAtion is a bit odd. I only started the idea that one or two could stay after a larger party after age 12.
  5. It was easier to just do for them after DH died. They had a difficult adjustment when I changed things, and I did that much later than you did, in the pre-teen years (and I'm a teacher and should know better!). My kids are now great, both teens, so don't kick yourself; just move on in the right direction. Kudos for noting it and deciding it should change.
  6. There's no right or wrong. My kids were 8 and 10 and are now just shy of 14 and 16. My younger child, a girl, clings to her fleeting memories and every photo and story she can snatch up in an almost unhealthy manner. My older child, a boy, doesn't like to talk much about his dad at all. He has one picture out, and lately has finally started bringing him up here and there. For the first year or two, all bedtime stories were of either him as a child, me as a child, or a memory including us both or all as a family. The kids got to pick each night. This kept his memory alive. I also made them each a special book, a storybook which includes pictures as well as information/memories that I made using Shutterfly. Now, it's up to them. You have to decide what's right for you and your kids and your emotional health.
  7. How about fulfilling that need by fostering dogs? Our local humane society has kind dog-lovers foster and help train dogs such as dobermans and pittbulls to help them get adopted by families. If you really need a fur baby of your own, I'd highly suggest getting one that won't increase home insurance, chances of someone not wanting to date you due to fear for their kids, chances of people not wanting to help watch the dog, etc. I know that dogs can be wonderful, even those with higher incident rates; however, why make it harder on yourself right now? Or, maybe you could adopt an older dog who only has a couple of years left to live .It's so hard for elderly dogs to find homes. That's a shorter term commitment for you in a much-needed role.
  8. 1. Do not buy coffee outside of the home. That adds up to hundreds. 2. Cut cable and just go to the sites online. For example, ABC has all of its shows a few days after it airs. 3. Ebates.com and other such sites have great discounts and money back opportunities. 4. Do not buy anything you don't have the cash for. 5. Carpool 6. Pack lunches 7. Use a budget app 8. Shop thrift 9. Check out free cycle and free swap sites. You'd be surprised what you can get for free. 10. Every time you have extra money, put it on that home equity line to get it paid off ASAP. Good luck.
  9. I swore I wouldn't remarry until my kids were grown for this reason, although I didn't have to move to a different state. I can't imagine doing that. I did, however, end up agreeing to sell the home they grew up in to start fresh in a new home, so my new husband and his son wouldn't always feel like guests. (I was 4.5 years out when all of this happened). He sold his home too, and we combined. I did state that under no circumstances would I change my kids' school districts, so we bought in our more expensive town. It turned out well, though, as at the time his son went in our district due to his mom's address, and now that she's moved, he'd have had to change schools. All kids keep stability this way. The first year was a hard blend, but we're finally getting there. We made sure all the kids were involved in choices and have their own personal spaces in our new home. Here's my big question: How long had you been reconnected when you married? If you live states apart, are you truly, 100% sure this is best for you and the kids? Moving them seems to be the only option, as he has an ex- that he needs to stay near because of his kids. But, moving yours is going to cause a lot of anger and a difficult blend. You can do it, but you both will need to be strong and loving and attentive to your kids. He'll need to understand if/when you do move that he won't be a priority, they will, as you help them adjust to a new life. I am not a fan of people who say kids need to adjust to us and the hell with it. I am also not a fan of rolling over and dying and showing the kids what we want doesn't matter. Balance is the key. I don't know if I've been any help at all. I do have this to say: my late husband's family moved across the country at the start of his senior year. They left him behind to finish school. He got into lots of trouble during that year. You need to let your son finish his senior year, unless by "next spring" you mean spring of 2017. Kids need at least two years to connect with their peers, so they can truly enjoy graduation. That's my opinion as a high school teacher of 24 years. Best wishes.
  10. Yes. I had very similar dreams when I moved on. First, I had a great dream, more like a visitation, in which DH said, "It's about time" when I started to date (2.5 years out). But, after I got deep into the relationship and got married, I had what you describe. He would come back, and I would pick my new husband, which at first I thought was guilt but then thought maybe it's a good thing, like saying be happy with your chapter two, it's okay. Maybe try to interpret it a different way to let go of the guilt. And, not that there's ever a choice, but I would choose neither, as I could never make that choice. I'd just be alone.
  11. My chapter two was calling us "family" long before I felt that. I was also with DH for over two decades, so it was foreign for a long time. He was a perfect pusher . . . not too much . . . gave me time and space . . . but enough that I didn't run away and hide under a rock. I didn't start seeing him until after two years out, which helped. Still, we've been together just shy of three years, married one, and it only started not to feel "foreign" a few months ago. I'm finally fully there. This feels like my life. I still love and miss my Grizz, but my current life feels like the right fit that I get and feel part of. Give yourself time.
  12. Perhaps explain that there is a section for those in new relationships that is helpful and also that you feel you owe it to newbies to offer occasional advice. If you have an open conversation about it, and he still won't budge, that would bother me much more than his being uncomfortable with it does. That's understandable. While I find myself visiting this site privately, that's my hangup, and my new husband wouldn't mind. In fact, two widow friends I met on YWBB come to our new home and were even at our reception (we got married privately but had a post party a couple of weeks after). Of course it's perfectly natural for the new people in our lives to feel a bit jealous or insecure. It must be hard to be with someone who still loves another. I'm very careful to be sure to not compare and to make clear that there are things that I have enough love for them both, and that one isn't better than the other, just different. If you do that, then there is no reason he should feel you must leave this site. Maybe you can come to a compromise of some sort. I hope it goes well.
  13. Perhaps make her earn electronics ( phone, computer, etc). Keep them until all work is done and if she over sleeps she also loses them . If she says she needs them for school, use is only at kitchen table. She'll hate you, but junior year is an important one.
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